Lifelong friendship issues - I'm a (nice!) weirdo

[StHeathensGrammar]

Not even sure where I'm going with this but need to get it out...
For the past couple of weeks I've been waking everyday having memories of the same incident (was years ago). Involved some people I'd known a year or so and spent quite a lot of time with and thought we were friends. They decided because of my mental health issues they would cut me out, it was very bare-faced and brutal. It's making my heart race just typing this. I won't go into details, but an important point is that on the day I tried to calm my "irrational" thoughts that I was being excluded but it turned out to be true. I was also lied to by closest in the group; I knew it was lies but it was that sort of thing where you can't exactly pin down an obvious lie, but it just doesn't add up, iyswim. This person has (years later) apologised, and admitted the lies, and others from the group have been friendly/pleasant - overall I get the impression I was badly misjudged and they realise that.

This leads to related thing 1. One of the people, who I didn't know so well, used to be a right cow. She seems lovely nowadays, so I'm not having a go at her exactly, but I feel so hurt that she was shown acceptance whilst I was excluded. She used to get horribly drunk and abusive, and act in an inappropriately sexual (forceful!) way to uninterested men. She just sort of got batted away like a fly, and sorted herself out over time. Now I'm all for showing compassion and trying to understand people - great. But it's not universally applied. It's like some people - and I knew a man who was the same as her - get the benefit of the doubt all the time, whilst others (like me) get, if anything, the opposite. I mean, I'd find it much easier to be sympathetic to someone struggling with mental health and seeking support than someone who deals with it by drinking/taking drugs and being horrible to others - but that isn't what I've observed from others. I also feel weird about the fact that she got herself together in a relatively short time frame, whereas I'm still struggling... a bit like "it can't have been that bad for her if she's fine now" type thing. I feel a total bitch for thinking this, btw, and wouldn't say it out loud or act on it. But then I think, perhaps the fact that she was accepted and had good friends is what helped so much? And then it seems even sadder that I don't belong anywhere.

I am a bit "weird" (but in a way it seems many MNers are too!) I've never been one of the popular crowd, as it were, but always found "alternative" type people I get on with (I sound like I'm talking about the school playground; I've no idea how else to phrase it!) Just my interests, priorities, and life outlook I guess - I'd be most at home round a campfire having a good chinwag/pondering than in a club, for example. I'm quite lonely day-today now, and really miss just discussing things with others who share a vaguely similar worldview. I spent a lot of time backpacking in my early 20s (I still avoid shorter holidays in favour of a longer jaunt every few years - kind of making the most of it ready to stop if I get a chance to have children!) and frankly this saved me, making me think about a lot of things and meeting so many others who were like me and thought about the same things... but it also exacerbated another issue, which is feeling out of place and older than my peers back home. Weirdly this has finally stopped and even gone the other way in some cases - I feel ancient inside, in a way, but on the outside they have professional jobs, and/or partners and some have children, whereas I don't so seem young in those areas of life. I'm early 30s now, concerned partner/children will never happen (but not missing a relationship, in itself), and haven't had a job for years due to poor mental health (whilst on the subject, will mention I've never really made friends at work due to aforementioned weirdness).

In terms of mental health, my problems are very much due to experiences, and I've had a hell of a job trying to get help. Have had some private therapy which helped, and working on things, becoming stronger person - used to be ripe for abuse by men. But I'm sure if I'd had supportive friends I could trust things would be so much easier now. I do my thing, try to be happy, do a couple of classes so I see people regularly, but inside I feel crushed at all the rejection I've faced in my life. A lot is partly due to circumstance - I don't live near old school friends as everyone dispersed for uni, I didn't go to uni myself so didn't make friendships there, I have lived in different places in UK but seem to have been out of sync with others - eg. making friends in between travelling, but as I started to settle down a bit they started travelling and often didn't return. So didn't have the deep roots of friendship that hold firm in troubled times - ie. poor mental health. I feel devastated that I've been judged (and my god people make up horrendous rumours - proper chinese whispers stuff!) as not trying to help myself/thick/nasty when I have always had a problem-solving outlook and have gone out of my way to support others where I can. And there's another problem - I'm more happy/confident in myself, take less bullshit kind of thing, but obviosuly this makes me less "nice" and more able to cut out wankers. But if empathetic doormat me wasn't wanted, why would a more assertive version be accepted by others?

Gosh, this is really long. I had other things to mention - mainly (1) old friend (from school) who became more scathing of me over the years and stopped speaking to me when I spoke up for myself, and (2) friend who I could confide in who unfortuantely was male and got a partner who cut out several female friends of his - she has even, it turns out, spread unpleasant rumours about me, which obviously it's much easier for people to go along with she is protected by virtue of her boyfriend being good friends with them... what I find astounding though, is that another woman who was also pushed out was re-accepted and turned against me.

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm missing something and all the pieceing together of everything over the past few years is somehow "wrong" and I'm actually a terrible person.... because if people have a long run of issue with others, it's the person, right?

Oh one more thing to add to the confusion - I recently had cause to meet some of my younger sibling's friends. Sibling lives some way away, but we get on like a house on fire. Although we are quite different on the surface, we share a way of thinking about the world, the way we reason things through or thoughts that occur. Anyway, sibling is massively popular with everyone (toddlers to grannies), and sibling's friends are amazing. Early/mid 20s but really nice, thoughtful mature people - especially noticeable in the men (in comparison to my peers at that age!) Many have been friends since school. Anyway, it's like my sibling lives in a different world! Where our shared worldview/thoughts/morals make perfect sense, but I'm somehow trapped in a parallel universe...

Thoughts welcome, tips, advice, ideas...

I feel really selfish having typed all that out but this is eating me up at the moment and I could really do with an outside perspective, thank you

I think it helps to start practising being your own friend. Being loving and kind to yourself. That unhappy ranting in your head radiates out and people pick it up unconsciously and respond accordingly.

I would recommend you take up a meditation practise. There are free groups (eg linked to Buddhist centres or legitimate, enlightened Gurus). The people linked to them will be committed to living loving lives and more open-minded than most. (Obviously, make sure it's legit - don't go joining any cults or anything!)

Also, NLP can be brilliant at getting to the root of issues like you describe. There's loads of free stuff online which could help you. Maybe check out some Tony Robbins, The Journey, The Speakmans or Abraham Hicks? There are loads out there - just got to find what works for you.

It also helps to find ways to accept where you are. It might help to remember that you don't have access to the whole picture yet. Who knows what good will come from all that you've been through?

For the record, you don't sound at all weird to me. Maybe you see the good in people and need to develop a bit more discernment?? (Just a thought, I don't know.) I've noticed that life tends to keep giving us lessons until we get them though.

Good luck with it all.

Hi StHeathensGrammar

I'm sorry you feel like this, it must be rubbish. I'm sure a lot of people will identify with parts of what you've said, despite not looking like it on the outside!

I've read your inital posts and skim read the rest, so forgive me if I miss/misinterpret anything.

A couple of things stand out to me:

1. You seem to be very self-analytical.

It may just be me, but you sound a little self-involved. I'd imagine this is common in people who've had therapy, as you have to do that, but it strikes me that you seem to hugely over-analyse everything, and maybe, as the Americans say, you need to get out of your head a bit! Also as a side note, people who only talk about their (mental) health problems can be a bit of a bore, so beware of that.

1. Confidence.

You don't sound very confident, although it sounds like you've improved a lot. This is probably why you've been picked on, - you were an easy target because they knew you'd never stick up for yourself or make anything happen. Obviously I'm not saying it's ok, but it might help you understand and let go of the bad stuff that's happened to you friendship-wise.

1. Friends.

You say you've tried but not made any good friends. I think you've just not found your group yet. Can you try different activities that make you meet different people? I think eventually you'll find a nice group. Someone mentioned working in a charity shop, which I thought was an excellent idea, also maybe a scout/guide leader? We tend to be odd anyway so you might fit right in! :)

1. The travel/feeling disconnected thing.

I don't have anything clever/helpful of my own to say, but this rang a bell with me and I wanted to share it - I read it on facebook ages ago. Don't know if it's true but the idea really struck a chord with me.

An old vagabond in his 60s told me about it over a beer in Central America, goes something like this: The more places you see, the more things you see that appeal to you, but no one place has them all. In fact, each place has a smaller and smaller percentage of the things you love, the more things you see. It drives you, even subconsciously, to keep looking, for a place not that’s perfect (we all know there’s no Shangri-La), but just for a place that’s “just right for you.” But the curse is that the odds of finding “just right” get smaller, not larger, the more you experience. So you keep looking even more, but it always gets worse the more you see. This is Part A of the Curse.

Part B is relationships. The more you travel, the more numerous and profoundly varied the relationships you will have. But the more people you meet, the more diffused your time is with any of them. Since all these people can’t travel with you, it becomes more and more difficult to cultivate long term relationships the more you travel. Yet you keep traveling, and keep meeting amazing people, so it feels fulfilling, but eventually, you miss them all, and many have all but forgotten who you are. And then you make up for it by staying put somewhere long enough to develop roots and cultivate stronger relationships, but these people will never know what you know or see what you’ve seen, and you will always feel a tinge of loneliness, and you will want to tell your stories just a little bit more than they will want to hear them. The reason this is part of the Curse is that it gets worse the more you travel, yet travel seems to be a cure for a while.

None of this is to suggest that one should ever reduce travel. It’s just a warning to young Travelers, to expect, as part of the price, a rich life tinged with a bit of sadness and loneliness, and angst that’s like the same nostalgia everyone feels for special parts of their past, except multiplied by a thousand.

Great posts! Is it not encouraging, op, that so many relate to what you're saying you experience? So we are a community!

I meant to post last night re self absorption (the curse of the damaged, we crouch over our wounds): do something for someone else. Sounds so simple but I can literally feel the inward shift when I actively go out of my way to even focus on someone else - it's as if the loud buzz of my anxiety (about myself) clicks off, completely! It's astonishing how it works, like magic.

I'm guessing those who are not damaged (those handful of people lol) can shift between inward and outward focus with ease, or at least naturally. It doesn't come naturally to us, not least bcs the practise of self -absorption is so entrenched it has become a habit. The great thing about habits is they can be broken. Glory be!

Eg we can take any situation and choose to focus on the individuals within it: what is their story? Noone is invulnerable, everyone has heartache, loss, disappointment to varying degrees. I don't mean heavily beaming in on someone else, that could be intrusive, even in thought; but recognising eg someone else's complex dramas and pains - as well as triumphs etc. And not in relation to me! Ie leaving me, my concerns, my hurt, my sense of rejection, my jealousy or inadequacy, out of it.

That's the thin end of the wedge - the thicker end is actually doing something. Yy it sounds cheesy - and obviously one has to be wise and not creepy - but it really does work to break the centrifugal force of self-absorption/obsession (ime). I have been astonished how well it works.

springydaffs
I think that's why I thought the idea of volunteering was such a good idea - doing something for others. Also they're likely to be nice people and perhaps more accepting of odd/quirky people!

Yes it's so true about volunteering. I absolutely love it, I get such a high /contentment /peace from it. And NO it's not bcs I feel holy but that there is an actual exchange on some level somehow - not least the natural cessation of the infernal self obsession that can dog my every waking moment.

OP, posts like this strike a chord with me. I was badly emotionally bullied as a child at school and as a result have found friendships tricky. There are some things I'd like to say from my own experience. Like your OP this is a bit of an essay.

Firstly, there are some things friends can't be expected to handle by themselves. The skewed thoughts and emotions that go with some mental health issues can be too challenging for many people. I think you need to be honest with yourself about what parts of you need therapy, rather than friendship. If you're going out there desperate to find friends, you may end up in a less than healthy rescuer/rescued dynamic, and if you're in a more angry and defensive frame of mind, you may put people off or attract the ones who want to break you down. Friends are, ironically, not the answer to this problem. Working on yourself till you are at peace with how you are is more like it.

I have found that potential friends are like cats: run after them and they will either run away or bite and scratch you (metaphorically speaking) if you force your presence on them, but if you wait and smile and let them approach without getting too full on, you might stand a chance of getting closer. Friendships are very odd beasts. My longest lasting ones have been the least likely pairings and almost always the people I'm a bit about at first; in fact I'm almost starting to think that if I really like someone it's not exactly a good sign. Make of that what you will. The other thing is, the slightly dull, small-talky bread-and-butter type friendships where you don't necessarily burden each other with your deepest feelings can often have the most staying power. I'm seeing this now with my mum and her neighbours.

I know you don't think that ASD is a factor in your case, but perhaps you might reconsider as it presents very differently in women. What jumps out at me in your OP is the sheer length and detail of it, as if you couldn't imagine it making sense without the detail. If this is how you talk, I can understand others not getting you, as this is a marked difference between ASD people and NTs. (I'm like this myself; I have often put others off by being too 'intense' and 'intellectual'). I suspect if you read a few websites and blogs written by HFA people you might recognise some of your own issues. You might even 'find your tribe.'

What does HFA mean?

Great post btw!

High functioning autistic. Probably an out of favour term.

Thanks for all the replies - a lot there that strikes a chord, I really appreciate the thoughtful replies!

Firstly, in relation to self-absorbtion - I used to be a proper "wounded healer" type - going out of my way to help others, but to the point where I gave too much and was taken advantage of, or just gave too much which is great if everyone supports each other but not if you just give and feel you shouldn't have any needs yourself. I am looking at volunteering again, have been studying and struggle with regular times so sort of taking all this stuff one step at a time.

Also - I posted on here for advice specifically about this issue so obviously I'm just talking about me..?! This is me desperately trying to understand where I'm gong wrong on a particular issue, not just rambling on about my mental health for the sake of it!

Gallicos What jumps out at me in your OP is the sheer length and detail of it, as if you couldn't imagine it making sense without the detail.

Thing is, the full story is sooo complicated and involved and full of nuances and implications. It is so frustrating irl because a lot of "standard" advice/solutions don't apply. There's already been some things on this thread that don't apply/are more complicated than that that I haven't bothered clarifying (seek help is one - there is a book in that tbh!), as well as the stuff I have mentioned. Also, with the situations I've mentioned, if I made it vaguer people would read stuff into it according to their own experiences/viewpoint and thus view the situation differently to what actually happened... plus it's MN, worried about dripfeeding etc!

I only used to talk about my mental health with certain people for this reason - miss having people who just "know" me, so I could just say I was feeling a bit rough and they'd understand and we'd just talk about normal things. I try to avoid mentioning it with anyone else, as some people just keep giving advice and you have to nod and smile because they do not know the situation to comment!

Tormentil Another thought-provoking post! Very intriguing about the group social dynamics.

user149 I'm so sorry you had such a shitty time growing up. You sound like you have done really well since then. I know what you mean about trusting others and wondering what they're thinking.

Thus is a bit random, but I wonder what we'd all be like if stranded on a desert island somewhere (Bear Grylls style)?

I can identify with so much of what has been written here and although I was rarely bullied by my peers as a child, I was matter-of-factly bullied and criticised by my folks when growing up, the 'who do you think you are' malarky. They did abuse and scream at each other as much as their children though...

I just wanted to add that I'd actually got to quite an age before realising I had never had a sense of 'entitlement' - in the sense of being allowed to do something without firstly and automatically having to consider those around me. I have realised that the childhood emotional abuse I experienced has corrupted my ability to trust myself. I 'lost' my boundaries between myself and others which made me incredibly sensitive - as it would! It's a form of self defence observing those micro signals. Imagine a fort without walls - the soldiers never get a day off!!

It has also meant I've never been able to commit to a career - I've always wanted to be able to 'make a difference' but I've challenged every option and path I've considered with a voice of doubt - kryptonite to the soul.

A couple of years ago I started being bullied and disrespected at work and was fraught with 'why me?' anxiety. On reflection I realised I was at the end of a dead-in-the-water relationship where I hadn't been cherished, affirmed or even acknowledged really (Ah! Hello childhood!) and it had clearly had a pervasive impact - and yes, my friendships had evaporated after hooking up with exDP

(...and THEN I discovered MN via a comment on Digital Spy about the tv drama Dr Foster, and, oh. my. god. What a revelation!)

So now I'm learning to choose, and this is helping me establish my baileys/walls. I'm learning to say 'no' - to myself as much as others, and I'm starting to look for 'my people' - and a whole bunch of them are on this thread!

Linking some of the stuff that people have said, coupled with my own experience, I wonder if this situation develops from a difficult childhood combined with a predisposition to problem solving , idealism and a drive to be socially proactive

The difficult childhood means that as an adult you are unconsciously motivated by unmet needs, - and being proactive, idealistic and good natured, set about resolving those unmet needs in a socially conscious way. This puts you out of sync with/on a different path from your peers, who, having had an easier childhood, have no need to deal with unmet needs before they can get on with their lives. And neither group can understand or relate to the other.

The crisis comes when it becomes apparent that the constructive and proactive solution finding, into which you have put all your energy, hasn't worked. Probably because it wasn't directed at the real problem. The energy left is limited and you need to use it wisely.

I'm not sure what problem I should be directing energy at?

I knew I had mental health issues caused by my childhood when I was still a child! I sought help after leaving home late teens. I've had a prolem-solving approach to everything, the friendship thing is just one area of life.

Argh, this is why my OP was so long! There is so much that people dont understand unless I explain it! I feel so horribly alone, no-one else seems to have such complicated problems and have been rejected at every turn (including by the shrinks).

I feel like I'm not worth anything myself so shouldn't need any support, and am useless for not being able to help others because I struggle so much with the basics. It's actually quite upsetting being suggested I should help others and stop being "self-absorbed" when I have always considered others and gone out of my way to help, much more than the people round me! But I am always considered to fall short from every angle, and don't cope with things so I HAVE to fix me, without support. Whatever I do is wrong, someone always criticises and tells me to do something else. I can't cope, I am so worthless

i started to think it was ok to be kind to myself but this has reminded me im only worth something if I help others. I dont deserve the love i am expected to give.

I fel sick. Just by existing I am doing something wrong. Because if I exist without helping others, im selfish. The rules are different for me, im judged by different standards. I have to be perfect and slefless then may be good enough. Others can be selfish but still loved. it hurts so mucn

oh dear I feel very bad. Im so scared. I cant get anything right

i started to think it was ok to be kind to myself but this has reminded me im only worth something if I help others. I dont deserve the love i am expected to give.
^^ I recognise this OP. And it stemmed (in my case) from being trained at a very early age to suppress needs and wants, to be endlessly available to my parents. I learned to be a mind reader and to anticipate their moods and needs before they did. "love" was conditional upon me fulfilling that role to their invisible rules.
I have moments when I feel simultaneously very young and very old. Life experiences have come close to crushing me completely.
I think what I'm trying to say is, when we have received so little in our formative years but expected to don the mantle of maturity, our world view can become distorted. We can become very sensitised to stuff just not being fair. Because our world view is skewed to start with, the obvious place to have a downer, is on ourselves. We give ourselves a hard time, because that is what our bodies and minds recognise and are familiar with.
You really, really are a worthwhile person. Being a wounded healer can mean that the trials and hurts that you have experienced do indeed help you to be so aware of others' pain. It also means that you have an opportunity to love yourself, as never before, in all those stages of your life so far, in a way that you didn't/don't receive: As a baby, as a child, as a friend.
For me that was key. Recognising which pain belonged in which stage and loving the little/younger me in the way that I should have been.
This is not selfish. It's giving you what so many others around have had from birth. For them, receiving validation and acknowledgement is no big deal, it's what they've always had. For you, perhaps, and many of us who didn't get this, it's about recognising the pain, the unfairness, the invisibility and loving ourselves as much as we can. Being gentle on ourselves when we hurt, rather than carrying on our parents' (in my case) work.

FWIW you don't strike me as AS (not diagnosing).

I don't think anyone is suggesting you're selfish or a bad person, rather that you seem to be tormented by your own thoughts and need to get away from them a little.

Great post tormentil.

Hi again. It's horrible when your thoughts pursue you. This , of itself, wears anybody down.
It's pointless me saying "don't feel this way" because you just do.
Other people can be such bullshitters about how on top of things and how in control they are. Like their lives are a permanent sunny smiley photo on Facebook. But it is bullshit.
You're not comfortable being a bullshitter. Feels like you are not being you.
I wonder if you fancy giving it a try. A day of bullshitting your way through stuff. Or even an hour.
A bit lame, I know. Wish I could be more helpful.

Perhaps you need a really good person-centred therapist who will give you space to feel, express and grieve. Because it's not all about fixing yourself and putting yourself together and covering yourself in sticking plasters, but about emotionally growing through the distress and pain. I think sometimes you need to accept how you feel, not treat it as something to get rid of or explain away or make sense of. Do you have any creative hobbies, like writing or music or art or craft? Because they can be enormously helpful as an outlet.

Don't start beating yourself up for being selfish. You might need some more medical support as it sounds like your demons are closing in and you may not be in great shape to handle random (if well-meant) internet advice.

It sounds like you have intrusive thoughts.

Honestly if you are at home alone all day, you need to get out of the house even to volunteer. Human contact. It's not about being nicer, it's about putting other input into your mind. If the only stimulus is your own thoughts, they just get smaller and smaller. Doing more things with people keeps your world big. Volunteer.

Oh dear. That seems to be a very strong response to my suggestion that you think of someone else.

Fwiw I went to CODA for a couple of years - to address a very similar pattern you describe: of being (too) kind and giving to others. All good - CODA that is - except it kind of taught me to not give = baby /bathwater. One extreme to the other!

I have very clearly stated I struggle with very similar difficulties to yours. Probably bcs we had similar formative experiences. I don't beat myself up about being self-absorbed bcs it is a symptom of trauma - I would dearly love to not have it ; it's like a programme constantly running in the background that drains my battery and I can't close it down. I certainly wouldn't be beating you up for the same - how could I!

Ime - same club as you, remember - thinking of others, even for a moment stepping into their shoes, turns off my hideous internal monologue. It's a tool not a moral judgement. I've discovered it works for me, I was passing it on.

I've been at this lark - recovering from hideous damage - for a loong time, as have others on your thread. We're passing on tips. My latest 'wheeze' is 12-step: awesome. I recommend anyone search for an addiction in order to get into this community (). Perhaps it was there I first discovered my gargantuan self-absorption (no judgement) and it's been an enormous and liberating eye-opener to recognise I am a fully signed up member of the throng of the self-absorbed; therefore no sting. There are too many of us. I'd say most. Please accept my genuine apologies for assuming you would be similarly liberated by this great revelation! No side, no sting, no judgement, no club to beat you with - honest.

Btw I'm not entirely comfortable with the assumption that those of us in this community are weird. We may not (be able to) conform to the general zeitgeist but weird we're not. Just my pennyworth

I hope you are ok, you sound so down.

I don't know if this will help you but a lot of people actually don't have large groups of friends. You notice the ones who do more than you would notice the person who has 2 friends. We are sold the 'Friends' and Coupling scenario aren't we? But once you leave school, large groups of friends don't work all that well for ALL the reasons you state it hasn't worked for you. You aren't alone there are many of you, and me. I know this doesn't exactly help you - but you aren't that weird. Promise.

I was a peripheral edge girl at school and none of them bother with me now either. They have their shiny little clique but I know it's not as good and solid as they like to portray it is.

Some of the closest friends I have are actually ones I met online, on like minded forums and we share a lot in common. I can text or post whenever I need support and can give it back too. Your community may be a virtual one - and please please don't look at that suggestion as inferior to having a large group of mean shallow women to go to Starbucks with. Don't rule it out. Online friendships can be real and deep (I've known mine over a decade!), you need to put into any friendship what you get out but you have it to give - maybe you have searched in the wrong places?

I wonder if it would help to say something from 'the other side' so to speak. I have friends, I have a very full and engaged life and I don't consider that I have a problem with any of the things that you have written about (other things, sure, you bet, but not those things.).

However I read your posts with great interest because I do know a few people whom I tend not to engage with. They are not bad people, not unkind, not uncaring... But nevertheless I don't feel comfortable around them. I will be friendly if they are in a group I am with, but I wouldn't actually ask them to an event or seek out their company. I hope it is clear that these are not people whom I would avoid because I find them actively unpleasant.

So, what are the things that make me not comfortable?

The first is people trying too hard. To me, it feels false. I am not interested in what someone is trying to project, I am interested in what they are. Being too nice, too interested, too sympathetic, too involved in my stuff. I don't want someone who is constantly trying to be a nice person or worse, wants to help me. All of that squicks me out a bit.

The second is a deep self-involvement. Too much self-consciousness. I was like that as a teenager - we all were, most like - and it just makes me feel uncomfortable. It also feels false to me - I know that the person cannot help it, and is probably having a really raw and awful time, but with all that inward looking, careful self-assessment and self-judgement going on there is no place for a real connection with them. I can only 'help' that person feel better by acting a role that engages their self absorption. Platitudes, really. Platitudes have their uses for sure, but It isn't a real friendship and I don't have the 'I want to help everyone' need for engaging in that. Neediness is not any basis for a friendship. It isn't the same as helping someone when things are tough or bad or dark. Does that make sense?

So what do I look for in a friend? Just that they are what they are. You write that you don't consider yourself self-absorbed, but your posts come across as totally self absorbed. You know, someone very wise once told me that you cannot and should not, try to help others until you can help yourself, until you can love yourself a little. I understand you when you say you can't do that without a friend or at least some normal human interaction.

Is it at all possible for you to get a cat, or a small dog, or a budgie or something? Something to love? - I am not being insulting, please understand, it is just that it would be a way to practice real love on something that can play no games, that is just itself. Then you can move up to really having some love and compassion for yourself as you are, not as you wish you were.

Okay there are many things that stand out in your post for me. Many things that I also used to do. Feel free to private message me on here if you wish? Might help to share my experience with you and see if it helps?