'This is what you chose when you chose to be a single mum'

[ShaniaTwang]

Sorry this is a rambling long post but I just can't get this comment out of my head and feel irked and bothered and can't really work out why.

This is what my new partner said when I described the level of difficulty I have with my exh relating to his long non payment to me, non involvement with our dc in terms of going to school events, taking them to the docs ever, taking them to any activities whatsoever.

I was explaining that I can only manage to work part time as I have to look after my preschool dc and be there for my school age dc. As a result I have very little money. Just recently ex has started to vigorously insist on 50 50 shared care, which only involves an extra two nights a month. I think so he does not have to contribute via the csa but in reality only has them over night after they are fed and bathed on nights additional to a Saturday, as well as refusing to take time off during school holidays.

In short, it is a nightmare and I am in the process of seeking legal advice and working out whether I can face court.

My profession is relatively high earning in a contractor role but I don't feel I can cope and actually do my job if I go full time, with all the other responsibilities I have in terms of caring for the dc and meeting their general life needs, sickness, medical apprs (pre school dc has SEN), activities and social lives.

The new chap, who is not that new but I have been wary about going into a huge amount of detail with about this situation said that this was the choice i'd made when I chose to leave, that I was not a SAHM but a single parent, that I was not thinking of my or the dc future, that I was risking my financial stability by not working to my full capacity, and that exh had to step up and actually split the responsibility fairly so I can work more. I know without court this will not happen. The reason I left was because of ea then eventually dv. Exh has been difficult at every single opportunity and we now have a stable contact plan in place, until the most recent threats of non payment and demand to increase time to 50 50, and no dialogue between us. For the last few months he has been paying the csa payments and some extra for pre school child care. This he has said he will stop as well as the csa as he wants the kids 50 50. He is very unstable and goes up and down in mood and I do not think he is realistically able to parent 50 50, that knowing him as I do it is wishful thinking. I know he is loving to the dc or I would fight access, but I feel real 50 50 is beyond him.

In light of all these challenges with their dad, my main priority is my dc and I live an extremely frugal lifestyle now, with no assets or savings from the marriage, due to financial abuse too I'd say but would prefer not to go into detail. Clearly it's a less than ideal set up. The new chap was pretty horrified when I told him, obviously I feel embarrassed about it all as it means I can't afford to go out for dinners etc, I want to pay my way and I don't want a free ride, but stuff like hotels mini breaks and restaurants are currently not possible.

New chap has a very high earning job, pays generous maintenance to ex, pays mortgage and is on great terms with his ex, sees his DC regularly.

I really can't work out what I don't like about his comments as I guess they are true and perhaps I am in denial about how bad things are and what I need to do.

Any thoughts gratefully received.

Just seen your new message and I do feel you as I was you once OP. Sending my best wishes for a good remedy to this situation.

You will be okay OP and your children will appreciate and be proud of you for all of the sacrifices you will make.

Your ex is still clearly trying to control you and is making sure that he pays less whilst making it impossible for you to work more.
This is controlling abusive behaviour.
I'd be more concerned about that than the comments of your new man.
Please go back to court and get this sorted out, otherwise you will be under his control until the kids leave home. It isn't on and a court will see this.

OP with or without a man around you need to be financially independent and facilitate a decent standard of living for your kids.

I guess this is part of it too... what is a decent standard of living... we have camping holidays, they have clean clothes with proper shoes, I have wine occasionally, I buy us occasional treats from eBay, we go to a theme park three times a year... we are well fed from lidl and peaceful.

I have no money for extras like Holiday's abroad, restaurants or new clothes not from eBay, savings or a new car.

I am sad not to own a property but we are relatively stable in it. Uni is 11 years away so feel we have time to save once this hard bit over.

Am I naive?

Do not facilitate your ex's lifestyle by supporting him as a semi-SAHM while you are living cheap as chips.

Yes this is exactly it.

This new man has no business making you feel you have to work more. That's your business. If he wants fancy restaurants and mini breaks and he earns more than you then he can chip in more.

Thanks always it is hard but I feel less alone, thank you.

Yes mermaid. I do think that is the real concern. Not been to court yet, I've been too scared.

Thanks complete. Yes, he could do occasionally, I just don't want to be indebted, or owe him

I would seriously consider ditching the new man. You need someone in your life who is supporting you and recognising how much you already do in raising your kids away from a violent prick. Not someone who's suggesting you work longer hours away from your kids to pay for half his holiday.

There are good men out there and one day he might be one. But you don't have time for a fixer-upper.

I don't think you & the new bloke are suited. You don't obviously match each other's 'wants'. Cut your losses & end it.

When I said I felt less alone, I meant this thread, but I have enjoyed having a relationship that isn't with my ex. It's been nice to see how someone else behaves towards their children and seeing such a difference, as well as the difference in how I have been related to, iyswim, although I do see the indications that we are not suited to more than a relationship that does not lead to greater commitment or sacrifice than the level we are at currently

Re exh, did you go to court initially to agree maintenance?And when you go back to court, will this consider maintenance as well as access? It seems to me that even if your exh gets 50:50 which I can't see that he would if he can't do holidays, is often abroad and doesn't take them until after they've eaten and bathed, he still would need to pay you maintenance as you will find it difficult to get ft employment. Either that or a large amount more in childcare costs.
Re new man, I would suggest that even though he has a good relationship with exw, if he has a financial commitment to her and their dc he may be wary of meshing in any way his finances with somene else.
I'd possibly ignore the single mum comment too, if I thought it was more a case of foot in mouth rather than anything more disrespectful.
But I'd be keeping a watch on him - like you say you are.

Regardless of whether you stay with your new guy or not, I think you'd be wise to concentrate on getting your child care arrangements worked out in a way that is workable long term and what is best for the children and workable for you in terms of being able to work part time or more than that. I think many choose the othery other weekend and one overnight in the week as it tends to be the most workable option.
Fight for the CSA payments! Bringing up children is expensive- it sounds as though he only wants the kids 50 :50 to avoid payment. It also sounds likely that he'll take you to court anyway if he doesn't get the 50:50 he deems fit. Definitely stop facilitating the 'only after they're bathed and fed' overnight visits.
Make a realistic plan for yourself where you want to be workwise in two years and five years. It'll change a lot when both dc are at school,
and find yourself good quality reliable childcare too.
I think the grinding poverty of being a single parent is probably the hardest thing about being a single parent in the long term, and if you have the potential to earn well, then I'd say go for it! If you work more than 16 hours a week tax credits kick in too, (depending how much you're earning). Working will help you feel independent, and gets you back in the real world too, and meeting/socialising with a broader crowd.
Talk to the new guy about his comments, and gauge whether they really were as judgemental as they appear. If they were, then move on...

Your lifestyle sounds frugal but a lot better than some, even if they're earning more on paper (that's not criticism, nor anything more than a straight comment). The kids will remember having fun with you and won't much care whether that was in a tent or in an overpriced hotel at Disneyland.

Court is a bit crap in lots of ways. I (a father) don't have a lot of good things to say about it due to my personal experience. If my case is typical, and others have echoed it since, then they don't put any effort into actually digging into the truth of anything. IMO, they're not actually very interested in what is best for the kids, outside a very one-sided, sexist and old fashioned concept of what that means, despite that being what solicitors and magistrates themselves bleat at every opportunity. It's been a few years now and I still find the injustice difficult to let go (you can tell, right?!)

Rant aside, you're not in a bad position. If he's travelling a lot anyway then they're going to ask him how he intends to "do" the 50:50 care he wants. A set pattern of contact in a CAO will mean you have (more than currently at least) certainty over what days and hours the girls will be with him. You're the Mum, so that will help you a lot, and you're already the primary caregiver and have a pattern/history of that to show the court.

IMO (and I am no lawyer) it's very unlikely he'd come away with 50:50.

You have so much to gain by going to court, so don't be scared of it! As changedname3456 says above, it's all in your favour. It will give you a firm contact arrangement that will stop your ex from trying to manipulate you and it for his own reasons, and you need have no more discussions about what he thinks is 'fair'. You'll know where you are, and be able to plan accordingly, and get on with your life with your kids.
You don't say whether you rented or owned a house with your ex? Surely you would be entitled to make a claim on any equity there may be?

Hi OP, I hope the advice above re. arranging things better with your ex is helpful.

Posters calling your new beau a C* is unnecessary and OTT in my opinion. I understand where they are coming from in some way, but I just hate the over use of this word on MN, its vile.

However I did want to add a couple of things.

You did mention your ex was abusive. I think its easy for the "next" relationship to be similar or disappointing for several reasons. I believe this can happen because of a need to prove to yourself that (a) there are some good men out there and (b) you can have a decent relationship. So though you may be more attuned to some red flags you may miss others - unsuitable and misogynist men come in all shapes and sizes. Because your new beau has been a good and decent dad was probably a sign in your mind that he is a good and decent person for you (because of your experience with your ex IYSWIM).

Anyway, if he's being funny about money there's not a big future it seems? As a poor single parent myself I know most well-off men can be very funny about this aspect - they may worry about being saddled with financial commitments they don't want. Its annoying and superficial of them I think, but this is how I think a lot of men think - especially successful ones. Attractive, eligible women are ten a penny for them, so why bother with a poor single parent. This has been my experience anyway .

Definitely this ^^
And who needs a man anyway? I've chosen to stay 'single'. I don't need the added drama in my life.

Honestly, Draughty, I'm inclined to agree. A part of me felt finally relieved and happy at my decision,

His mask slipped for a second imho. You can do better op.

so you swapped one abuser for another? Even if you did take your ex to court you cannot force him legally to step up and spend time with his own kids.

sorry that sounded a bit blunt. You deserve way better than this specimen of a man btw. So glad you got away from the ex.

Get rid. Being a single mother wasnt a bloody choice you made for fun when the alternative was staying with an abuser ffs. Reminds me of a comment my ex said to me when my newborn baby had been crying all day and 4 year old running me ragged and I said I hadn't had a cuppa all day "well what did u expect was gonna happen". My response was well if you hadn't been such a prick when we were together I wouldn't be in this situation and besides it's a damn site better than being with you! These men with their sexist victim blaming attitudes make me sick. He should be on your side. Sorry it's easy to trivialise comments like this bit to me it's an indication of what's to come.

Red flag!

If your current man knows your predicament then yes he can 'suggest' but in a more caring way than he clearly is or he can step up and help you out by paying for mini breaks, holidays, meals out etc if that's what he wants, if he wasn't prepared to be that man, why continue a relationship with a single working mum coping I think pretty ok with reduced circumstances , it's not as if you hid your situation. Certainly don't put up with the 'you need to be doing this that and the other so you can help pay for the lifestyle I want' kind of shit

Well this thread is timely after the dating one i was posting on recently? (im not single but i was posting my opinion on it.)

Tuppence is correct. Well off men can be very funny about this kind of aspect.
If i was single i certainly couldnt "afford" these men and actually i wouldnt want to.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2933566-What-are-your-boundaries-red-lines-for-dating

While you're u didn't choose to be a single mum, you are choosing to be with this guy.

Make good choices, OP.