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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'This is what you chose when you chose to be a single mum'

81 replies

ShaniaTwang · 26/05/2017 20:26

Sorry this is a rambling long post but I just can't get this comment out of my head and feel irked and bothered and can't really work out why.

This is what my new partner said when I described the level of difficulty I have with my exh relating to his long non payment to me, non involvement with our dc in terms of going to school events, taking them to the docs ever, taking them to any activities whatsoever.

I was explaining that I can only manage to work part time as I have to look after my preschool dc and be there for my school age dc. As a result I have very little money. Just recently ex has started to vigorously insist on 50 50 shared care, which only involves an extra two nights a month. I think so he does not have to contribute via the csa but in reality only has them over night after they are fed and bathed on nights additional to a Saturday, as well as refusing to take time off during school holidays.

In short, it is a nightmare and I am in the process of seeking legal advice and working out whether I can face court.

My profession is relatively high earning in a contractor role but I don't feel I can cope and actually do my job if I go full time, with all the other responsibilities I have in terms of caring for the dc and meeting their general life needs, sickness, medical apprs (pre school dc has SEN), activities and social lives.

The new chap, who is not that new but I have been wary about going into a huge amount of detail with about this situation said that this was the choice i'd made when I chose to leave, that I was not a SAHM but a single parent, that I was not thinking of my or the dc future, that I was risking my financial stability by not working to my full capacity, and that exh had to step up and actually split the responsibility fairly so I can work more. I know without court this will not happen. The reason I left was because of ea then eventually dv. Exh has been difficult at every single opportunity and we now have a stable contact plan in place, until the most recent threats of non payment and demand to increase time to 50 50, and no dialogue between us. For the last few months he has been paying the csa payments and some extra for pre school child care. This he has said he will stop as well as the csa as he wants the kids 50 50. He is very unstable and goes up and down in mood and I do not think he is realistically able to parent 50 50, that knowing him as I do it is wishful thinking. I know he is loving to the dc or I would fight access, but I feel real 50 50 is beyond him.

In light of all these challenges with their dad, my main priority is my dc and I live an extremely frugal lifestyle now, with no assets or savings from the marriage, due to financial abuse too I'd say but would prefer not to go into detail. Clearly it's a less than ideal set up. The new chap was pretty horrified when I told him, obviously I feel embarrassed about it all as it means I can't afford to go out for dinners etc, I want to pay my way and I don't want a free ride, but stuff like hotels mini breaks and restaurants are currently not possible.

New chap has a very high earning job, pays generous maintenance to ex, pays mortgage and is on great terms with his ex, sees his DC regularly.

I really can't work out what I don't like about his comments as I guess they are true and perhaps I am in denial about how bad things are and what I need to do.

Any thoughts gratefully received.Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
ShaniaTwang · 26/05/2017 21:08

BTW I have done the freedom programme ... he seems alright to me, but praps my standards are incredibly low Sad

OP posts:
AstrantiaMallow · 26/05/2017 21:13

when I chose to leave, that I was not a SAHM but a single parent, that I was not thinking of my or the dc future

If he knows you left because of DV and said that, it's unforgivable I think. Totally not on.

I left because of domestic violence and my ex pays nothing toward the kids. I only work part-time, I'm skint because still need to pay solicitors due to ex's behaviour. My (relatively new) bf has never said such things or blamed me for leaving. My ex's behaviour makes him angry because to an extent he's got away with really a lot, but none of that anger is directed towards me or blames me. If he blamed me for it, then I think I wouldn't be able to continue seeing him.

Original poster
ShaniaTwang · 26/05/2017 21:17

I didn't think he was blaming me per se, more pointing out I should be more realistic

OP posts:
angelcakerocks · 26/05/2017 21:27

OP I think your standards are still way too low yes. You're doing a sterling job by yourself, I'd bin this loser and just go it alone for a bit, till you can meet somebody who appreciates you and all you've been through.
You're making excuses/allowances for him and his shitty comments. You deserve better.

AstrantiaMallow · 26/05/2017 21:30

Well, he is telling you you chose to be a single mum. You didn't chose. You were in a situation where there was DV. What else could you do but leave? I think if my bf told me I chose to leave my ex I would be really upset and I don't think I could continue seeing him. The 'choice' was to leave or continue being assaulted.
I don't know, I feel it's an awful thing to say. Does he get funny about the financial imbalance because you can't do the things he wants as they cost too much?

Original poster
ShaniaTwang · 26/05/2017 21:31

Thanks angel, I hear what you are saying. Still not sure what that person would be like towards me. Think I am fairly conditioned by experiences of exh to be pretty people pleasing and frankly scared of displeasing, as don't know where it will go.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShaniaTwang · 26/05/2017 21:36

Astrantia, thanks. That is exactly it, I didn't choose, I chose not to be assaulted. It's just not a choice. Yes I think he does a bit - Ie he'd like to go on an expensive holiday which I couldn't even begin to contemplate, we are supposed to be going away for the weekend soon but I can only afford the cheapest option, or not go. I think although he says he'd prefer to be careful with money and do what I can afford, he'd probably prefer the option was not either he pays for it all, which is not what he is offering and I would not accept, or we can't do it. Ie he'd rather be with someone with some means, which I don't currently have. Which is depressing to me, and I feel low thinking about it.

OP posts:
angelcakerocks · 26/05/2017 21:44

OP sounds like you feel somehow deficient because you're not earning megabucks and yet you've had the strength to get you and your kids away from an abusive man, which takes a lot of energy and mental/emotional resources. You have no support and are trying hard to move yourself on from this horrid relationship. Rather than see that, which would look like the supportiveness you might get from a good friend, or on here even, your new guy has gone 'well you chose to be a single parent'
'Single parent' has a stigma anyway. Plus you didn't chose it really you had no choice. That does not make this new guy the loving caring guy you need.
It can take such a long time to move on from an abusive ex because they make you feel so shit about yourself.
It's not your fault you can't afford the weekend away.
If he doesn't want to be with you then let him go.

TheBakeryQueen · 26/05/2017 21:44

Seriously, you're bloody amazing!
He sounds like a compete dick. Get rid!

Threecherries · 26/05/2017 21:46

I'm a lone parent too, and I would definitely bin someone off for that kind of attitude towards me and my choices.

Current partner wouldn't dream of it, if we can't both afford to do something we don't do it, find a cheaper option or wait until we can. It's one of the things that makes our relationship work.

Come to think of it no-one I've dated since I split with my exH has ever made comments like that.

I think hes a knob you are incompatible.

AstrantiaMallow · 26/05/2017 21:49

You see, my bf shows he recognises I do my best in a shitty situation. Which is pretty much what you're doing too.
I can't afford much, so it's been that either my bf really fancies something expensive then he pays or we do cheap things.
If he's making you feel like you're not running your life well then it's no good really.

Hermonie2016 · 26/05/2017 22:16

You are feeling judged and I suspect you feel a level of disrespect.

This man doesn't value women/mothers.I suspect his real opinions if expressed would be much more shocking.My stbxh was never openly negative about women (much too corporate for that) but he had zero empathy for women or mothers.

Everyone knows women suffer financially as a result of separting with children..he's a moron of he thinks otherwise.

Be with people who bring out the best in you, not stress you.

Starlight2345 · 26/05/2017 22:22

You are doing what is best for your DC.. This man is never going to make you feel good.

What I would draw attention to is this man is making you feel bad for not earning enough why? because of the effect it has on him.. This would concern me.

I couldn't understand your post about 50/50..You do know 50/50 is based on overnight care. I would let him take you to court if he wants to change it. ESp in spite of you think his motive is money.

Lessthanaballpark · 26/05/2017 22:34

He sounds like one of those capitalisty types who see everything as an individual choice with a monetary outcome.

I think that as a dumping present you should buy him "Who Cooked Adam Smith's Dinner?" It's brilliant.

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 26/05/2017 22:42

He's an utter twat. I had similar shit said to me...and guess what? Mr Perfect #2 turned into and abusive bastard as well.

Changedname3456 · 27/05/2017 06:59

Leaving aside the insensitivity of the "chose to be" remark, he's not wrong in saying you are effectively living as a single parent rather than a sahm. If your ex's "help" is just about providing a bed (you've already bathed and fed dc) and he's now trying to angle things to cut down on CMS then you do need to take steps to look after yourself financially.

If your ex isn't able to parent properly on a 50:50 basis - and btw, 50:50 isn't necessarily going to mean he pays nothing on maintenance, although it would reduce - then you have to turn it down.

What would you do if ex's current "care" was out of the picture? Work FT and use childcare or would you try and make do on your current PT? Does it make financial sense to go FT?

In terms of not mingling his finances with you, I think he's being sensible. I'd think it was equally sensible if it was the other way round. You wouldn't advise one of your friends to effectively support a new partner, particularly one you haven't known that long, I assume?

MoominFlaps · 27/05/2017 07:02

He's showing you red flags. Don't second guess yourself. Walk away now.

barrygetamoveonplease · 27/05/2017 07:09

He's a cunt. Ditch him.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 27/05/2017 07:09

I think if you were to end things now you would have had a lucky escape he sounds horrible , if hes happy to say things like this at a time when its all new and hes trying to impress just think of the crap he will spout a few years down the line if you have a row

sleepingdragons · 27/05/2017 07:19

His attitude to money stinks. If I was dating someone who had less money than me - especially if it was because they'd escaped abuse and had caring responsibilities - if I was really into them I'd want to treat them - not tell them to work more. Wouldn't you?

Bananamanfan · 27/05/2017 07:26

That is the worst type of victim blaming. Get rid of the idiot, op.Flowers

Bananamanfan · 27/05/2017 07:27

If your ex wants 50/50; is he providing/arranging/financing 50% of the work time childcare?

Original poster
ShaniaTwang · 27/05/2017 07:29

Leaving aside the insensitivity of the "chose to be" remark, he's not wrong in saying you are effectively living as a single parent rather than a sahm. If your ex's "help" is just about providing a bed (you've already bathed and fed dc) and he's now trying to angle things to cut down on CMS then you do need to take steps to look after yourself financially.

I think this has been an area of confusion in my own head which I think he was referring to directly - I feel in some ways that exh should support the children being with their mum instead of childcare. And that is a crucial difference I guess - the family unit has finished and I am now a lone parent without that fall back, iyswim, of being a sahm with a wohm father to my children. I am a totally separate unit, I guess. And yes, ex is adamant he should not pay me a penny. He feels that anything they need he can pay for during his time with them, if he had more of it. Which is ridiculous as it means he will not pay for school activities etc and the csa payments mean I just pay for it all without asking him and having a needless row.

If your ex isn't able to parent properly on a 50:50 basis - and btw, 50:50 isn't necessarily going to mean he pays nothing on maintenance, although it would reduce - then you have to turn it down.
I am turning it down. I do not think he can cope.

What would you do if ex's current "care" was out of the picture? Work FT and use childcare or would you try and make do on your current PT? Does it make financial sense to go FT?

I would increase my hours. Part of the reason I have not wanted to do so is that my preschool DC would not see me properly for days because of exh over nights during the week. In fact, exhs care of the kids is highly inconvenient for me, really.

In terms of not mingling his finances with you, I think he's being sensible. I'd think it was equally sensible if it was the other way round. You wouldn't advise one of your friends to effectively support a new partner, particularly one you haven't known that long, I assume?
No, of course not. And yes it is sensible. I'm not asking him to support me I guess. But I suppose that is the inevitable thing if we were to cohabit etc. I suppose I feel ashamed of my financial position. But, bearing in mind the dc ages, I feel that me being there during this time is more important than being away from them to make money.

Thank you all for helpful posts Flowers

OP posts:
alwayslearning789 · 27/05/2017 07:29

I agree with Changed

OP with or without a man around you need to be financially independent and facilitate a decent standard of living for your kids.

Do not facilitate your ex's lifestyle by supporting him as a semi-SAHM while you are living cheap as chips.

You might not like the 'term' but you are Single Parent now and do not be ashamed - you are a Superwoman doing it on your own.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and raise your self esteem.

You mentioned you have a high earning profession and established work situation and that is half the battle - a lot of women have to start from scratch with nothing.

This new guy has highlighted something you do need to think about with or without him around.

Wishing you all the best in your decisions OP.

Original poster
ShaniaTwang · 27/05/2017 07:32

If your ex wants 50/50; is he providing/arranging/financing 50% of the work time childcare?
No. He is frequently abroad on his days and has suggested paying me a child minder fee for the school holidays

OP posts: