'This is what you chose when you chose to be a single mum'

[ShaniaTwang]

Sorry this is a rambling long post but I just can't get this comment out of my head and feel irked and bothered and can't really work out why.

This is what my new partner said when I described the level of difficulty I have with my exh relating to his long non payment to me, non involvement with our dc in terms of going to school events, taking them to the docs ever, taking them to any activities whatsoever.

I was explaining that I can only manage to work part time as I have to look after my preschool dc and be there for my school age dc. As a result I have very little money. Just recently ex has started to vigorously insist on 50 50 shared care, which only involves an extra two nights a month. I think so he does not have to contribute via the csa but in reality only has them over night after they are fed and bathed on nights additional to a Saturday, as well as refusing to take time off during school holidays.

In short, it is a nightmare and I am in the process of seeking legal advice and working out whether I can face court.

My profession is relatively high earning in a contractor role but I don't feel I can cope and actually do my job if I go full time, with all the other responsibilities I have in terms of caring for the dc and meeting their general life needs, sickness, medical apprs (pre school dc has SEN), activities and social lives.

The new chap, who is not that new but I have been wary about going into a huge amount of detail with about this situation said that this was the choice i'd made when I chose to leave, that I was not a SAHM but a single parent, that I was not thinking of my or the dc future, that I was risking my financial stability by not working to my full capacity, and that exh had to step up and actually split the responsibility fairly so I can work more. I know without court this will not happen. The reason I left was because of ea then eventually dv. Exh has been difficult at every single opportunity and we now have a stable contact plan in place, until the most recent threats of non payment and demand to increase time to 50 50, and no dialogue between us. For the last few months he has been paying the csa payments and some extra for pre school child care. This he has said he will stop as well as the csa as he wants the kids 50 50. He is very unstable and goes up and down in mood and I do not think he is realistically able to parent 50 50, that knowing him as I do it is wishful thinking. I know he is loving to the dc or I would fight access, but I feel real 50 50 is beyond him.

In light of all these challenges with their dad, my main priority is my dc and I live an extremely frugal lifestyle now, with no assets or savings from the marriage, due to financial abuse too I'd say but would prefer not to go into detail. Clearly it's a less than ideal set up. The new chap was pretty horrified when I told him, obviously I feel embarrassed about it all as it means I can't afford to go out for dinners etc, I want to pay my way and I don't want a free ride, but stuff like hotels mini breaks and restaurants are currently not possible.

New chap has a very high earning job, pays generous maintenance to ex, pays mortgage and is on great terms with his ex, sees his DC regularly.

I really can't work out what I don't like about his comments as I guess they are true and perhaps I am in denial about how bad things are and what I need to do.

Any thoughts gratefully received.

I'm sorry your new dp isn't supportive. He doesn't sound like a good choice long term. He simply does not understand you or your circumstances. If he doesn't know you, believe you, understand you, I think it's doomed.

I think its hard when your kids are young. I have gradually increased my hours as the kids have gotten older. Its been better for me. A lot of women do put their careers on hold a bit while their kids are young. Its perfectly normal to do so. Try and get access and maiantenance sorted with Ex. Dont waste your money on weekends away with your partner. Youre doing great. Dont doubt yourself.

I think you would be better off without your new chap too.
He has appealing views about single mothers a d quite frankly needs to grow up.
Not everyone has a decent ex as you clearly don't.
The fact is your current bf is a bit better than your ex, therefore you a felt this to be fine on a subconscious level when in fact you are not suited to each other and there will always be a huge imbalance within this relationship.
As to the situation with your ex, good legal advice is the way.
Don't be afraid of going to court, the court is your friend.
Make sure you go about it in a factual, practical manner.
For example establish that you ,would be happy with 50/50 contact however your exworks away so what does he Intend to do with the dcs when he isn't there?
Establish that you need to be 100% sure that if you take on extra hours, your ex can 100% be available for the children on those specific days, which of course he can't.
He is talking bollocks of course and the judge will see through this. Make sure you tell the court tbattneex wants to reduce CSA payments but 50/50 must mean he has the DC's for 3/4 full day and nights a week otherwise it is unworkable financially for you.

Lastly, take timeout to research about relationships. Lots of us make the mistake of not really understanding what it is which will make us genuinely happy . We assume a great deal and overlook Dec flags far too easily.
My advice is to write down your boundaries and stick to it! Do not make any allowances!
The comment your bf made is a red flag, he is the!ling you one of his fundamental beliefs.

You don't owe anyone anything, if they don't meet your baseline then get rid and move on.

Btw you made the correct decision to leave you're ex and you are doing great a fantastic job.

Ditch this bloke.

Whilst what new chap is saying is technically correct, emotionally it's horribly, unfairly loaded. It makes you sound like someone who deliberately conceived children without intending to have a co-parent and then got a nasty shock when it wasn't as easy as the manual implied. And yet if you challenged him on it, he could claim that wasn't what he meant, that he was only being helpful etc . He is no doubt projecting somewhat on the basis of his own situation, which is unlikely to be much like yours.

The "not thinking of the DCs' future" remark was crass if nothing worse. Future planning is good, but you have to deal with their needs in the present. Right now they need more of your time. By working part-time you're keeping options open. As the DC grow they'll hopefully absorb less time and energy so you'll be in a position to extend your hours. Children inevitably grow up but they don't do it overnight. New chap is the one who is not thinking forward!

And yes, get some decent legal advice and try to nail ex to a proper contact schedule. He's still financially abusing you, albeit indirectly.

If he doesn't know you, believe you, understand you, I think it's doomed

^ this x 100