Wwyd- throwing books at bed time...

[doijusthavetolovewithit]

Best version....I called H a fascist in a discussion about the Manchester bombing i was totally unreasonable and wouldn't listen to him as I disagreed and was offended (I'm a minority he is not). I told him I could have this conversation and left the room. He was so offended that whilst i sdid bed time He threw a cup of water at me and threw every book in the room at me (maybe 100) whilst my children watched and cried.
I am definitely annoying/opinionated but how do I get our family help with anger it feels like it's seeping into all of us. I'm sure you'll tell me I have a responsibility to leave but he's the home maker! I would see the children less.

Reach out to your sister, if my sister was going through a bad time, I would find time for her. She would want to know I am sure.

I didn't tell people much before, just little bits and pieces. The reason I didnt is I didnt want people to think badly of him, like it reflected on me. This is a classic fear response to women who are being intimidated and controlled. But if a friend told me what you told me I wouldn't judge, but be there as support. A lot of the issues I had were passive aggressive and a lot of the time we actually got on and had a laugh. But it was cyclical, he was always a bit moody, but he has an inability to deal with stress and that gets pushed onto me.
You are fully capable of managing alone, just look at what you are doing now.

You are not a bad mother, infact you should be applauded for thinking you should leave, and trust me in the future your kids will thank you for it. Even though my kids heard a lot of him yelling at me and bad behaviour, they still want us to be together. I think most kids do at this age as its all they know. But essentially a happy and free mother who is not being intimidated is much better than one who is.

If your H says you are selfish, so fucking what. He is a selfish prick for exposing the woman he should cherish and his kids to throwing books at you and making you all cry. Its control. I bet he minimises everything too. i bet he tells you you are overreacting, I bet when you try to explain how you feel or any emotions he rams it back down your throat.

Hope you have a quiet weekend. In the final weeks I kept the peace as much as possible while I got myself sorted out. Good luck.

Just for you to have a read, this was me a few months ago.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2826858-Keeping-up-the-pretence

Difficult weekend. I came back late on Friday as I knew H had plans with the children then we all tried to do something. Together Saturday morning it resulted in a horrible argument in front of the children so I asked to have them alone on sat afternoon and Sunday. After calling me every name under the sun In front of the children he relented. He saw it as punsishment. Texted me a lot of abuse - bad mother, appalling personality yada yada. In the end we had a big family trip together on Sunday (w/o H) and despite 3hrs driving and doing everything myself which is rare and I don't have confidence about due to our usual split. We had an awesome time.
I have to work today but that's okay gives him a day with them too....
it feels sad but much calmer for the children. It's very lonely a lot of the time in a marriage like this. Being on eggshells - perhaps for both of us is really exhausting. His moods / drinking patterns can lead to such dreadful abuse and he basically says I push him to the edge. The fighting going on via text today rather than shouting and actually I'm just sending nice ones to be honest. I'm so exhausted by the arguing.
My first steps are to calm down the house as best I can.
As I say though utterly exhausting and lonely but when I put distance between us he retreats to to a very angry and paranoid and resentful position - so not the easiest but calmer
As you can tell I'm very confused by it all and miss his warmth and kindness but the roller coaster is frightening.

I'm working today. But off again on Friday our 10yr wedding anniversary. Guess there won't be much celebration.

'Appalling personality' he really knows how to push me away with abuse. He derided or day out too we were a bit late back 7ish. I wonder why he's even in the relationship sometimes. Darent speak to him in person he's pretty brutal. And if I respond he's in dangerous mind at the moment.

Ramble today have a lot of work to do but feel sad and emotional.

I'm starting to think we might be financially wedded. Maybe if he had finl independence he'd leave. Maybe if I could afford to stop working I'd have already left as I could love after the children.

I suspect that if he weren't in the relationship he'd be faced with the stark choice between destroying himself, or actually sorting himself out

As it is, he's got you as his emotional punchbag. He gets temporary relief from the emotions he can't handle without suppressing with drink, and then there's a lull. The corollary is that after he's argued with you he's gained a bit of ammunition about your behaviour to bolster his false belief than none of it's his fault, and a the added bonus of something to throw at you next time

He's learned that you'll tolerate the bad for the sake of the good

If you feel you walk on eggshells, think how your children feel. Their very physiological responses are becoming moulded by this. They can't make sense of it, or articulate it. They just feel it. I've seen children wh live in these sorts of situations - who react in any number of different ways :constant watchfulness and jumpiness, a dulling of emotion as a defence, or acting out aggressively themselves

Please get help. You can't do this alone. It is exhausting.

Are you sure your brother and sister can't help you?

It must be hard to ask, I know

I always think that 'other people have their own troubles" which is true, but sometimes their troubles are not nearly as poressing, and they get something out of helping. Because it feels big to you, you assume it's too big for them.

pressing

I'm just not sure what to actually ask for? My sister travels a lot and works insane hours - seems a family trait.
My brother lives in a different world is the most laid back person you'll ever meet and needs instruction. I don't need another child. I love him dearly but not sure he'd be any help.

Maybe just start with telling someone in real life. That alone can be helpful

It's out of your mouth, out of your head.

You're right on his choices. That has prevented me leaving in the past dark periods. I really need him not to destroy himself he's a very important father.
He was not drinking at my request but has clearly started again light of sat. Which means without a drink he'll be beyond grumpy and with one he'll be dangerous because he's currently like a wounded carnivore.

It's really hard. Today work is lonely a slog and there's no one to talk to or share it with and no grown up who wants to see you. No one to want you home or to care if you've eaten. It's very depressing. Keep hanging on to the children. At least they will hug me when I get home.
Trying to mentally accept this sort of thing to get the strength to get out.

So he isn't safe to be left with the children. Document everything. Organise wrap around child care (au pair? Child minder, friend? Maybe another school mum can do it for a month or so while you get sorted?)
Reorganise your life without him in it. Talk it over with your sister, she may be clear sighted and help you find some solutions. Your brother may be able to step in with after school care, for example, or moral support, hanging out with you when H is being a jerk.

He is abusive. Start from there.

doijust
You are going to leave, I can hear it in your voice.
And your children will thank you and love you and you'll be back to feeling like yourself in a year or too. As pudding said, know this:

1. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done
2. You will change your children's future by doing it, in a very positive way
3. You will get your life back, in a million ways that you don't even know yet.

Good luck - and we'll all be here to hear your progress! xx

doijust: your weekend reminds me of my weekends of old. Its inconsistent and you don't know what you are going to get, good day or bad. You shouldn't have to live in that permanent state of uncertainty. It is not good for your mental health. Like a previous poster said it might actually give him the kick up the arse he needs. He doesn't sound very similar to my ex, not essentially a bad person, and you love him, but this in an unhealthy dynamic for you all.

Teabay is right. I am only 3 months in and already feeling better. Have a real think about practicalities. Keep posting.

Everything's very quiet and calm. He's sent me to Coventry. This is good to some extent no fighting. Basically when I'm there I'm in charge of children when I'm not he is. He is sober too. The flip side is that the house is a tip. Never his forte but since I can't do any more literally in the hours I have he's letting it go. I can only do dishwasher and washing machine so many times and I can't tidy up after him too!
I'm teary finally. He's withdrawn before (by the way he'd say I have too) and I really find that heart breaking. No apology no remorse. There but gone and an underlying deep and sharp resentment. Last time we ended up in couples therapy he was nasty for the first 3 sessions but broke when I started making arrangements to leave. Said he would get help and didn't want to be divorced and that he loved me and it would be okay..... and yet here we are.
In his rage he said our therapist was useless and a waste of time this week. She and what we got from it was something I'd been hanging on to. It wasn't that she was amazing it was that we made progress and our love triumphed. I just don't have anything to hang on to but I very much love my husband and with my working hours and children I'm not really close to anyone else. In some ways I can't be as I hold this secret about us.

It's all very difficult and sad and confused. My poor children

OP - have you considered getting some support from an Al-anon family group? It's very hard taking the first step but such a relief to go somewhere in RL where people truly understand where you are and where you can be totally honest about what's going on. They will not judge at all.

You need him to leave. Organise your hours and childcare. Tell work what the situation is and ask for some flexibility on your working hours, or work from home for a bit. Make your plans. His disfunction and behaviour makes him unfit to be main carer. Gather your evidence.

The therapist is talking shit. For the sake of your kids, leave. This isn't some big fancy love story, this is 2 kids seeing their mother HIT BY BOOKS. That's awful OP.

It will be hard but you'll find peace and calm. The kids will thank you for it.

He wants it on his terms. He doesn't want to earn it. He wants what he wants, no matter how harmful that is to everyone else.

This sounds so exhausting and miserable, OP. Please, even if you can't face anything further yet, start talking to Women's Aid. I honestly think that if you could see your way through the logistics, you'd be out of there (with the dcs) in a shot. Logistics can be sorted, honestly.

I agree with biblomania/*rizlett8

Women's Aid, Al-Anon, Samaritans

Anyone who'll listen and help you get your ducks in a row. Anyone who'll let you get this secret out without your fear of being judged, or of making decisions before you are ready

Talking to someone in RL will make it more real

Holding the secret is the worst, most damaging bit for you and in a way it's exactly what he wants. He doesn't want you to shine a light on your relationship and open it out to the daylight.

Sorry if you've already answered this but have you got anyone who you can talk to in real life who you think would understand? You mustn't feel ashamed - you've done nothing wrong.

I do feel ashamed and I feel like it's my fault that I bring out the worst in him and that if I was an easier person (I'm definitely not easy) they'd be less friction etc. I feel like telling people will make it out of my control and I already feel out of control and if I'm about to change everything in my life I need to work out quite a lot!
I also feel like he's not so dangerous he's going to kill me or anything and I know he objects to being called violent (says I'm more violent than him but he means argumentative I have never lifted a finger and he is twice my size).

If the relationship is toxic then that's me too.