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Keeping up the pretence......

37 replies

pudding21 · 13/01/2017 10:25

I often lurk on Mumsnet and like some of the no nonsense advice that gets dished out. So looking for some wisdom.

Bit of background, I have been in a relationship with my partner (not married, he never wanted to until recently) for 21 years. I was very young (17) when we got together, 2 DS's, nearly 9 and 5. We live overseas (for the last 5 years), I work full time, he is a stay at home dad. This was not the plan but the way things turned out and he has never tried to get a job here (its all just too difficult). He has no drive or ambition and I think he is happy for me to take on the role of breadwinner.

He is a very anxious person, angry, lacks patience and can be incredibly critical. What people see in public is not how he is at home. Some days I literally want to stab him because he goes on and on and on about very simple things. Some of this I understand is his self esteem is low because he isn't working (although for me it doesn't make a difference if he was happy in his role as the stay at home dad). I work full time but still pull my weight at home but he still whinges at me that I don't do enough. For example, if I leave a cup on the side, he complains loudly. He mutters under his breath all the time. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. I still do the food shopping, do my share of cooking, get the kids ready, put them to bed etc. He has a good deal. I appreciate what he does, but he complains about his situation a lot, which makes me think he just isn't happy at all. He has always been a bit like this, but its been exaggerated with him at home all the time. Now, if he wanted to be out all day, meeting friends etc so long as we had food in the house and it was relatively tidy I wouldn't mind. I am quite happy for him to do what he wants. But he has this marytr type attitude and it drives me insane.

The last 18 months have been very difficult as things got much worse, egg shells constantly, him shouting at me and the kids. The lack of patience is awful, the tone in his voice irritates me. We can't leave the house as a family without there being stress (him, no one else). He says things, then forgets what he said, and because I don't like conflict I smooth it over so we can go on our day. I think he emotionally abuses me, passive aggressive etc and probably has done for a long time. Usually he is grumpy the first half of the day, and then as evening approaches and we have had dinner he starts to relax. We can still have a laugh and amazingly still have quite a good sex life. In November I was ready to leave him, but persuaded myself to give it one last chance. I told him deal breakers going forward were rages (he was doing this a lot, swearing and shouting at me in front of the kids, constant comparing and being competitive about who does more etc (this has improved) and paranoia and jealousy (seems better but I don't know if it is lying stagnant).

He knows I was at the end of my tether, and he thinks things have improved. BUT.......I have tried really hard, but I find myself feeling very negatively about him and I get really wound up with his lack of patience and respect for me. I quite often have a heavy heart and think "why did you have to say that?".

For example, last week we all had the dreaded Norovirus. He was violently sick for 24 hours, I sorted everything out with the house, the kids, works, made sure he had everything and took care of him. I wasn't sick but had diarrohea and its lasted a week. This morning he said "I don't think you really had the virus, i think you just said it to get in on the action". So no level of empathy (I felt like shit all week).

Also, his mother was just staying with us for 6 days. They don't get on, and he makes the whole situation very uncomfortable. I quite like his mum, she ican come across as a bit cold hearted and isn't really interested in the kids, but she isn't as bad as he makes out. In my eyes, she is his mum, she brought him up he should have some respect for her. But he can be quite cruel.He treats her with the same distaste as he does me at times. It made me feel really uncomfortable. He also drinks a lot, he was sneaking in alcohol while his mum was here, and then denies it.

So, my question is really, how do people make the move to leave when essentially you still love a person very much, but you feel you would be happier on your own. I could go on all day, there is a lot of history and genuinely I do love him. But I don't want to continue to live like this, and even though I vowed to try, there is a deep nagging in me that knows I don;t want to live like this for the rest of my life.

At Christmas time, my son went into his man cave for something and found a box of Chocolates. I didn't say anything as I assumed they were a suprise for me. Any way on Xmas day I didn't get them so a few days later I asked why and he couldn't explain. I think honestly he ate them.....but I was almost hoping he had given them to a woman, so i could take the moral high ground and have an excuse to leave. Does that sound crazy?

Sorry for the long post, and thanks in advance for any words of wisdom!!

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Tenshidarkangel · 13/01/2017 12:25

For the chocolates, I'd be meh over. I buy chocolates for me all the time. It's not like jewelry or something more suspicious.

You do however sound utterly worn out and miserable. Sometimes the trying comes too late and the damage is done.

Would you consider a trial separation?