Wwyd- throwing books at bed time...

[doijusthavetolovewithit]

Best version....I called H a fascist in a discussion about the Manchester bombing i was totally unreasonable and wouldn't listen to him as I disagreed and was offended (I'm a minority he is not). I told him I could have this conversation and left the room. He was so offended that whilst i sdid bed time He threw a cup of water at me and threw every book in the room at me (maybe 100) whilst my children watched and cried.
I am definitely annoying/opinionated but how do I get our family help with anger it feels like it's seeping into all of us. I'm sure you'll tell me I have a responsibility to leave but he's the home maker! I would see the children less.

That last oat was all about you,you,you

What about your children? You seem to be forgetting that they come first....

You're strong and independent bla bla, but your children are not

They saw they, they hear what comes out of your mouths

No need for you to accept that you should feel like a victim, but they are.

they saw that

I struggle with my temper and can get pretty nasty I'm ashamed to say. Never ever ever would I throw one book at my DP never mind in front of our DCs.

That is so far from okay. He was drunk ? At children's bedtime? Good lord woman you're not just normalising, you're desperate not to change the status quo. This will be damaging your children don't delude yourself otherwise

Good luck. It's a bad situation and I do feel for you. Big decisions are horrendous.

If your children are school age and they mention this, in all likelihood you will be reported to Social Services.

Sorry I must be misunderstanding something here, you want your husband to go to AA, he's got a horrible temper, assaults you every 3 to 6 months but yet because you make the money and he's at home subjecting the kids to who know's what it's okay????

Surely that's worse, who knows how he's treating the kids or what he says to them.

Do you want your kids to grow up and except living a life like yours because that's what you are showing them is normal.

Report him to the police, take the kids, take a week off work and sort things out. It's not easy, far from it, but better for the kids than being around an abusive person.

You wanted some home truths and I want to say more about that. You are in an enviable position here. You've got the power and the money. Compared to many other women you have it so much easier and yet you are choosing to bring your children up in this situation.

If you think that you can change then why not call the NSPCC and talk to them about support/therapy you could access for the family? But you'd need to be really honest about what your children are seeing and hearing regularly now. See what they say

... I meant so much easier to leave

I just walked into a police station to report him. Tried to take a step but they told me if I did report they would arrest immediately and then my whole life falls apart I lose my job and so my home very quickly. I just wanted to start a record so that when I have gotten myself into a position to take action my life and my children's life doesn't fall apart but they said they would arrest immediately. It's like I said you think it's black and white but I want this to end without making us all victims and dependent it looks very hard to find a way to do that.

Oh God, it must be so hard. But don't you see that the fact they'd arrest shows how grave it is?

So that's one step. Don't stop now . Call Women's Aid. They'll give you the control that you want

OP: I was in a similar situation to you. I am the breadwinner, her was the SAHP (out of choice), we live abroad, two kids similar in age. While he never systematically threw things at me (like loads of books) he was aggressive, verbally and emotionally abusive. Not all the time, because these men are smart. They play with your vulnerabilities.

He is abusing you, maybe not all the time but he is and you both are showing your children what a relationship looks like (this is not a healthy one, but they will learn from it). In most walks of life people would say I am a strong, independent no bullshit kind of gal. But I tolerated him spitting at me, calling me a cunt, daily critisisms about how I function. i lost all my autonomy and didn't feel comfortable in my own home. I realised my thoughts were not my own, because I was always worried about his reaction. I left 3.5 months ago and its been the most difficult period of my life, but I know I made the right decision.

I left our family home and took the kids, he still sees them 2 nights a week and every other weekend. Both kids have commented on how much calmer he is when i am not around. Up until the last week things were still very turbulent (he also likes a drink which was a big factor in his behaviour, not when he was drinking but the next day he was moody and tired and unmotivated).

You have to decide is this what you want for your kids, is this what you want for YOU and the rest of your life. He is treating you with the upmost contempt and resentment.

I think my situation worsened because of the dynamic, he was at home I worked. At a basic level even though he had no desire to change it he felt a lack of self worth being the one at home (although probably like you when I was not in my office I was the main care giver and he took a step back). He got depressed in a way, and everything, all his anger and disappointment got directed at me.

You could see if he will go to therapy, you could give him deal breakers or you could leave. Its not easy, it really isn't. But you are valued, you are important, you are doing a great job and he is bringing that down. I highly recommend you take a look at Lundy bancrofts books "Why does he do that" and "Should I stay or should I go". I only read them after I left to convince myself to stay away and if I had read them a few years ago I would have done something sooner.

Its not so easy to say LTB, you need to do this in your time, but think of the kids, watch their behaviour because they will start to mirror his. And keep your head up and strong.

Arresting is good - it will help you explain in court why your DCs should live with you, not him.

Can you get emergency leave from work to give you time to sort out childcare etc? I get the impression that you work such long hours that you feel completely overwhelmed by the logistics of sorting out childcare.

I had to take a couple of weeks of work when this happened to me. My employer didn't like it, but the sky didn't fall in. They'd have had to cope if I'd been hit by a car, so they coped with this (a bit later on, I ended up moving to a job with nicer employers anyway).

And don't worry too much about looking like victims, having to ask for help etc. I ended up going to a refuge, and it did hurt my pride. Those of us who pride ourselves on being "strong" and "copers" can really struggle with it. But it's not strong and it's not coping to accept abuse because the steps needed to get away from abuse are too difficult to take.

I'm not trying to rush you into anything. If you talk to WA, they will give you time and space to make a decision that you are ready to make.

Pudding I recognise my life in your descriptions. I can't quite believe I am where I am and think of my mother who coped in difficult circumstances (not this type) and think I just have to keep trying to be understanding and muddling along and not retaliating when he seems dangerous etc.

He's very resistant to help. Says he'll stop drinking. Says I'm a bad mother and sarcastically suggests oh your perfect and that I'm short with the children and don't pay them attention. I mean I was reading stories for god sake without telling you alll my life story I can be short like any busy mother but I spend all my free time with my children I don't go out, I don't have hobbies or go to the gym I go home. I get up at the weekends and take them swimming or to activities. I'm knackered obviously who works with two children and isn't.

I also thought it was my fault I'd gotten v down in my job and was exhausted and thought I was always tired and a crap mother/ husband so I got a new one. Upside I can see work is long but I'm not unhappy in it any more. I come home happy. This has jolted because it came from him his stresses not mine.
Also makes it hard to lean on my employer I haven't been there long.

Don't rule out the possibilIty that work will be understanding. You also have employees rights. I think bibliomania is right here. You are overwhelmed with the idea of the logistics and fearing the worst.

Hev you got anyone who can help you in RL?

OP: its exhausting, and its exhausting also to leave. I was in a fog for months. I didn't realise how unhappy I was until I left. i still cry, I still love the bastard. You can leave someone even if you love them. In the end, I think I might just have saved his life in a way by leaving because our relationship was/ is toxic. He has love bombed me, been abusive and back to love bombing again since I left. Only in the last week has there been calm, but I know when i suggest we sell the house it will all turn to shit again.

Write down all the reasons you should leave, and the reasons you shouldn't. I bet the reasons you should far outweigh the reasons you should. You are doing most of this alone anyway, and if he has any decency in him he will still want to saddle some of the child care. It took me 3 years to pluck up the courage to leave, 6 months after he put his hands round my throat in a drunken arguement. The final straw for me was quite minor in comparison. I posted on here a couple of times, got roasted for allowing my kids to witness things, and I still couldn't shake myself into a decision. In the end i realised I would die a slow painful death if I stayed in that relationship.

I have extracted myself slowly and we now are quite civil with each other and he has stopped for now, being abusive. I think finally he realised I don't have to put up with that shit anymore, which goes to show they can change their behaviour if they want.

Does he treat anyone else like you? What is he like with the kids (patience etc). be honest, open up and delve deep into this, you will find your resolve.

It takes the average woman several times to try and leave their relationship, unless you have been involved in someone who messes with your head so much you will never understand. Good luck. keep posting on here.

good post pudding21

Good luck OP. You're in good hands here

Does the mood of the household depend on that of your husband? Do the kids seem to fight and bicker with each other a lot (tension.........my kids used to always argue in the mornings while getting ready for school, they fed off tension, now they are calm in the mornings and much easier to deal with on my own).

Has he got anywhere he could go if you asked him to leave for some space?

Could you manage financially? With childcare?

Start getting your ducks in a row.

Mood thing 100%. Our eldest especially. My son will try distraction until he's scared trying to deflect. It's a mess.
H excuse is that he's not perfect and will say sarcastically of course you could've done so much better etc. He's a minimiser normaliser too.
Housing is the main problem I'm working my ass off so that will be more secure by summer. Then I think I could cope with the rest frugally.

He's got nowhere to go without hurting his pride

Can you not get child care or have any friends or family who can support you so you can leave?

Im sure you can talk with work and something can be done, even if you haven't be there long. It's worth asking isn't it?

Says everything the police will arrest him, you should listen to that!

Right OP, before you can move forward, you need to work on yourself. You need to see that hurting his male pride is not what is important here. Its you and your children.

Do you feel miserable? Are you unhappy? Do you want to show your children that you don't sit back and let yourself treated like shit?

If so, repeat to yourself: I deserve better than this. Look at your face, feel how you feel. Really feel it.

I always put his needs above mine, and in all honesty the kids. Its not a healthy dynamic but its very difficult to change. You need to think about YOU. His behaviour has caused this, not yours. I realised I wasn't the mother, friend, daughter, sister, colleague i could be because he drained all my energy. I did a good job of keeping up appearances but the amount of people who have told me how different I am since I left despite being heartbroken a 21 year relationship ended. I will not tell you it is easy, its not. Its really hard work and at times I have wanted to retreat and undo it all. You need to summon every bit of your inner warrior if its really what you want (which it is else you wouldn't have posted).

This won't change unless you either give him dealbreakers of having therapy and stopping drinking or you leaving. My ex has carried on the same pattern of behaviour since I left, so I know that even me leaving won't change, so going back sure as shit won't either.

Your kids will be ok. My 5 year old has dealt with it brilliantly, DS1 is 9 and has been a bit more of a challenge but we have improved and already strong bond. I feel closer to my kids, I am in total awe of them.

The best thing anyone said to me recently was my mum, she stroked my hair looked me deep in my eyes and said "Its good to have the old pudding back, you've been unhappy for so long".

Thanks pudding. One of the hard things is the lack of support. All my friends these days are through kids school sadly it was always hard to be friends with my friends and their families as a couple.
My mum died 3yrs ago and I know she would make this possible she'd help me but I don't really have another network. My dad not capable my sister has less time than me and my brother is young and single. I'm going to have to get my big girl pants on it's frightening needing/wanting to control the process so it's orderly. I'm going to ask for no drink/help route. Then after this summer if that hasn't worked I should be able to logistically get out.
I've been afraid of saying it's for me my H will just say I'm selfish and a bad mother.

An alcoholic and abuser is not really in a strong position to judge you. So what if he calls you a bad mother? Are you?