Can anyone help me to help my sister? domestic/mental abuse

[concernedaboutmysister]

Hi everyone.

I hope you can bear with me whilst I ramble a little here. I need to help my sister.

She has been married for 13years to a bully.
On the day she got married she shook her head at the church door, but our father told her to settle the head & the wedding went ahead.

First of all can I say, our father abused us all. [have posted threads under another name on this subject] This has some baring on the rest of this story which is why I am saying this here.

I text my sister today as I was in the city she lives in, she works nights & I knew she wouls be asleep so I tect her in the PM & said we would call & see her on the way home. I got a text message back saying:

"you know I'd love to see you. Atmosphere in this house isn't good, whats new. I took the car yesterday & got pulled over by the police for speeding, they saw my tears & the scared kids in the back & let me go, I had our bags packed, I went to XX house. X & me not getting on. I need another job & I need to get out of here, I can't live like this any more. Don't say anything I trust you. He punched me on the arms & legs. The boys say. XX told XX mum was sad cos dad punches her"

[obviously all the above was in text speak, but it took up 3 text messages]

I replied saying she needed to get away now, I would help her, I would lend her monsy to get sorted out, I loved her & I was taking charge now, she wasn't to worry anymore.

She replied:

He said I have no self respect, no breeding. I was low & dirty & no-one cares for me. Said I was dirty & not worth anything. When I got to XX house it turned out that her h hits her so she was no good to help me. I thought you would be at XX so I didn't ring you. I don't want mum to find out & worry. I hate telling you this. Thanks for the offer but I have to sort this myself. I have the boys to think of"

I again told her that I would help her, to get the boys from school & I'd meet her, take her to mine, or somewhere where she could get more help. She said it happens a lot but it usually blows over & he says she's making a mountain from a molehill.

Again I replied, "Im coming for you now!" Got a reply "NO! He's here. Leave it I'll get it sorted"

I am really worried about her. She has no self esteem & no confidence. She tried leaving him before & he told her he would take the boys. He comes from a very well to do background, and as I have said above, our childhood was far from normal. He holds this against her. He said he will take her to court & tell the world what our father did [I have no problems with this, I want this to happen but am too big a coward to be the one who pulls the plug ]

He also said as she had depression that no judge in the land will give her the kids.

Can anyone give me some advice? I am the only one who knows what's going on. I will feel awful if he does something to her & I haven't gotten her away from him soon enough

THanks for getting this far.

Oh poor you all

Firstly she is so wrong about depression and custody, they're ahrdly going to give it to a vicious bully are you?

There are a few things I would do at the stage. Firstly, call womans aid and get advice from their helpline. Tell her to keep a diary of inciedents, and photo any marks if she can.

Go to the police, and tell them what is happening. The fact the kidsa re there means that they will ahve to listen. The earlier you involve them, the better thwy will be able to help if you both eed it in the future.

The kids- look if she doesn't go, get them out of there anyway. By not leaving, SS can argue she is abusing them (does she know that?).

I agree with Peachyclair.

I don't have direct experience but feel for you and your sister - it must be terrible. I will try to get a friend to post here who might be able to help BUT two things do come to mind.

• until she's ready to go she won't go - you can't make her do anything, it has to come from her

BUT

• you can help her make a plan so when she is ready to go she can just up and go - put some money in a bank account in her name, or give her a cash card on your account, or go with her/for her to the CAB and find out about housing rights, or take her to a solicitor and find out what would happen in a divorce

I don't normally do this but (((hug))) to you both

She needs to call Womens aid and get some advice. She also needs to leave but they will advise her about stuff like copying documents (bank statements etc) and making sure she takes stuff like passports with her.

It's highly unlikely he'd get custody, really, he's just using that to control her.

Poor woman. Can you put her up if she leaves? Will your dh (if you have one) support you in this and be prepared to help?

Womens aid

If you're the only person she's told you have to help her to get out.

agree with the other posters.

wrt to depression/custody - well he WOULD say that wouldn't he, to carry on scaring her into staying with him . Bearing mind that approx 1 in 4 women have PND, never mind any other mental health problems during their lifetime, depression is far far too common an illness for it to hinder a mother keeping custody.

Thankyou all so much, I'm so glad I can talk here.

A bit of background info:

She has a food problem [she doesn't eat, is a size 6] & she was signed off work until about 4 weeks ago. Even then she took a job working nights so she could be there with the little guys through the day. Even when she was on incapacity benefit, she had to buy the weekly groceries from her incap bens. He paid for the oil heatinf & phone. After 6 months he saw she was calling us all & got the phone disconnected [she told us it was broken] So she doesn't have any money to save IYKWIM. He told her she has to start "earning her keep".

He is such a bastard though. Everyone loves him. He used to be a sales rep & has the gift of the gab. Sweety to everyone he meets. But my mum never warmed to him, guess mums know best at the end of the day.

When she & I had a heart to heart about 6 yrs ago [was the first time I admitted to her that I had been abused too] he accused her of not protecting me [even though I didn't blame her, in no shape or form] He has been throwing it up in her face ever since.

I am going to call her local refuge tomorrow [or maybe Monday as I'm not sure if they shut on a sat, but will try anyway]

I know I am being totally unreasonable..but part of me is getting angry at her for not standing up to him.. I know I shouldn't, but I want to shake her. & if I know my brothers would half kill him if they knew. Part of me wishes I didn't know as now I have to keep it to myself.. I need to help her, but she won't go until she's ready, & what if that's too late?

Of course, me & my dh will support her 100%. As will the rest of our family if they knew.
I begged my dh today to just go to her house & tell her she was coming with us. But he said it's up to her.. we can't force her

do you have a big husband?

take him round and pack her bags.

CAn I suggest- if you have the money (I don't know) by her a pay as you go mobile, and get her to hide it (with some credit obviously). So often these bullies take their wives / aprtners mobile phones and they end up without any way of contacting people

Can't you tell your family? Why should you and she keep this as a secret, none of you have done anything wrong, HE'S the one breaking the LAW and HITTING his WIFE and the mother of his children. Why is he being protected by any of you? You owe him nothing, he's a controlling violent bully who could well kill her and their children. Sorry, but he could and I don't mean to scare you but he sounds so vile and evil that anything's possible by the sound of it.

Your poor sister. I'm sorry about your abuse too but it doesn't mean it's ok for people to abuse you all through your lives.

He's big yes. But very docile. Like a calf

She lives about 80 miles awy which is why it's been easy enough for her to hide it from us all. If she came here the boys would miss their own school etc [which she is worrying about]

Do you all think it would be wrong of me to ask some of my sisters for advice, even after she asked me not to?

She said it blows over & is ok for a while, which to me means it must happen a lot

WWW. I know what you're saying. I had 18months of counselling. I am a ticking time bomb I am ready to explode.

this is her text to me today word for word:

"must b the way I am. feel sorry for people who hurt me. feel sorry for u know who 2. wish I cud hate them both"

She means she feels sorry for my dad... I told her she needed to read a book I have, on psychology.. it's all about women not hating their abusers.

Sod the schools, they all need to stay alive.

Yes, I DO think it's ok to share this with your other sisters, I don't think he should be gettting away with silencing his wife AND you. He's an evil c*t who is HITTING his wife, it's vile and disgusting as well as being against the law. Call women's aid and ask what they advise, they'll talk to you even if you're not the one being hit, I'm sure.

Tell yur sisters, by keeping the secret you become (unintentionally) complicit in the secrecy that underpins domestic violence. If you speak out, you start to break the spell.

Your Dh is right about if she wants to go..... but when there are children witnessing the violence / aware of it the balance changes. Social Services would intervene if they knew. Think about that- how terrible would that be to a Mum who clearly loves her children?

Children settle at new schools very quickly, far better that thean the status quo. Besides, most wife beaters eventually turn on the children too.

Women's aid isn't in my area. Will google for similar.

You both need to do more than read a book imho (I'm saying this in a gentle kind tone of voice btw), you need some proper counselling and the people who have treated you both this way need to take responsibility for their behaviour and the consequences (if you can face it and I appreciate that you may not be able to, which is fair enough)

here

Womens Aid have a national help line you can phone.

Thankyou.

Hi there,

So sorry to hear about your sister, I was the child in the same situation my father was a very violent and abusive man. My mum contacted the womans refuge for advice, we got him out of the house for an hour and in that time shoved everything we could in bin bags and legged it. We drove hundreds of miles away, there was not a place at the refuge that night but we had the opportunity to leave so we did. It was so terrifying, he would make everyone feel sorry for him and think him the victim.

We went to a womans refuge and stayed there until court where my mum was awarded the house (well what was left of it) it actually went to High Court and is a case history. It was a very bad case with alot of detail I won't disclose but my mum is disabled and I had health problems too. Everthing was against us, he gathered so many people to testify against us but the judge saw through him.

What I'm trying to say is, she can get out they will believe her and help her but she needs to make the jump. It is scary but she has to do it. As soon as she's left she will get help & protection all the way & can have an injunction against him (not that they always work but its something) Her health will not affect her case, in fact it could be at her advantage as it shows abuse in some form. Also she will be granted custody of the children. Especially in a case of domestic abuse/violence, its obvious who the gulty party is.

some things you just keep a secret abuse of any form is one of them but you also need to be honest with your sister if you tell any one else - it takes alot to admit to being abused and you sister has taken the hardest step the rest may take a little bit longer but let her know you are there adn don't do anything that will make her feel sorry for her h.

I agree with gothicmama about honesty- yes you need to talk to your sisters, but you do need to tell the abused sister you have done so. You mustn't let her think (because she isn't thinking straight at the moment) that she cannot trust you, or that she is being ganged up on.

Something like 'I really love you and I am worried about your safety and that of your children, so I have talked to X. I really hope you don't mind, but I want to make sure you have all the support you could possibly reqwuire when we get you out of there'

What I'm scared of, is that if I tell someone & she knows, she won't feel able to tell me anything anymore.

I was thinking of calling my SIL who is a nurse & very sensible. But then she might tell my brother & all hell will break loose.

Yes the slightest thing may make her feel she cannot trust you. Sometimes its a case of her having to do it for herself, I'd keep persuading her though until she sees sense.

Does she think he will change?

Does she say 'oh but he loves me'?