Can anyone help me to help my sister? domestic/mental abuse

[concernedaboutmysister]

Hi everyone.

I hope you can bear with me whilst I ramble a little here. I need to help my sister.

She has been married for 13years to a bully.
On the day she got married she shook her head at the church door, but our father told her to settle the head & the wedding went ahead.

First of all can I say, our father abused us all. [have posted threads under another name on this subject] This has some baring on the rest of this story which is why I am saying this here.

I text my sister today as I was in the city she lives in, she works nights & I knew she wouls be asleep so I tect her in the PM & said we would call & see her on the way home. I got a text message back saying:

"you know I'd love to see you. Atmosphere in this house isn't good, whats new. I took the car yesterday & got pulled over by the police for speeding, they saw my tears & the scared kids in the back & let me go, I had our bags packed, I went to XX house. X & me not getting on. I need another job & I need to get out of here, I can't live like this any more. Don't say anything I trust you. He punched me on the arms & legs. The boys say. XX told XX mum was sad cos dad punches her"

[obviously all the above was in text speak, but it took up 3 text messages]

I replied saying she needed to get away now, I would help her, I would lend her monsy to get sorted out, I loved her & I was taking charge now, she wasn't to worry anymore.

She replied:

He said I have no self respect, no breeding. I was low & dirty & no-one cares for me. Said I was dirty & not worth anything. When I got to XX house it turned out that her h hits her so she was no good to help me. I thought you would be at XX so I didn't ring you. I don't want mum to find out & worry. I hate telling you this. Thanks for the offer but I have to sort this myself. I have the boys to think of"

I again told her that I would help her, to get the boys from school & I'd meet her, take her to mine, or somewhere where she could get more help. She said it happens a lot but it usually blows over & he says she's making a mountain from a molehill.

Again I replied, "Im coming for you now!" Got a reply "NO! He's here. Leave it I'll get it sorted"

I am really worried about her. She has no self esteem & no confidence. She tried leaving him before & he told her he would take the boys. He comes from a very well to do background, and as I have said above, our childhood was far from normal. He holds this against her. He said he will take her to court & tell the world what our father did [I have no problems with this, I want this to happen but am too big a coward to be the one who pulls the plug ]

He also said as she had depression that no judge in the land will give her the kids.

Can anyone give me some advice? I am the only one who knows what's going on. I will feel awful if he does something to her & I haven't gotten her away from him soon enough

THanks for getting this far.

Hang on, will update in just a few minutes. Have just seen these last messages.

Okay:

I text her earlier asking how she was & got a reply saying he has bought her a new car

And that when she came home from her night shift he had the kids dressed for school "Wasn't that nice of him?" No it fucking well wasn't.
She said she told her best friend in the city she lives in & she brought her some leaflets and offered her support. She said she wishes she hadn't told her now as she will feel sorry for her.

I replied saying he was a bully & the car was blackmail, he was a bully & I don't want her boys growing up think of themselves as crap or worth nothing, the way we were. Nothing was ever good enough. If I got 97 in a test I would have been asked why just 97, when such & such down the road got 98. Seems to me like she has decided to stay.

Her texts:
All is fne. wish had seen mum on sun. XX acting like nothing happened. he had boys dress, isn't that great? I think it's his way of saying sorry. I wnt let him do this again. XXX brought me pages to read. she trying to help but wish I hadnt said nythn, she feel sory for me. Just have to stand up for myself. Thankyou for helping me. Il get all the info from you when I see you next"

So in one way she wants the info which means she may still be thinking of leaving him, but in another text she says he bought her a car.... so what do I do now???? If her friend knows then she may be able to make her see better than me, as their kids are at the same school. I don't even know her friends surname or I would look for her number & call her.

Thankyou for all your concerns. I am bloody lost & useless. Totally stressed, god knows what sis is like

sigh... that happened to a lady i was in the refuge with. her partner lured her back with a new car (and she did go back to him )

all you can do now, sadly, is be there for her. it might be in her interest for you to keep track of things as they happen (texts from her, anything.) so if the time comes when she does leave, there will be some sort of record. or maybe suggest to her to keep a diary (very secured from her partner so he wouldnt find it!) of things that happen, things he says, anything. sigh...

it wont be long til things turn sour again and maybe that will be the time she decides to walk out and leave.

maybe you can phone the woman's aid line and ask them for suggestions on how you can help her now...

i hope she finds it in her to leave....

I have her texts saved on my phone. I'll try & write them out later on just to be sure they will be recorded.

I said for her & the kids to come down tomorrow now that she has a new car & she said she has messages to run in the morning for her neighbour who is elderly.

I suggested Thursday, but she said she is busy that day too.

so now it looks like she wants to avoid me

she may be marked and wants to hide them...hence Dh taking the kids to school.

Get the messages witnessed by somene or save them to the phone memory. just writting them out would not make them admissable in court.

Also i would agree 100% about court and custody. it would be up t HIM to PROVE that she was unfit before he would get custody.
and he really would need significant evedence to prove that.

Does she have internet? could you not ask her to come and view this thread? if its done online he wouldn't be able to trace the info like he would if you emailed it to her.

try and be there for her without making her feel crowded. i know that sounds mad as your only trying to help but she has already said she doesn't want people to feel sorry for her. she sounds like a very string person who probably finds it humiliating to be treated this way...I know because thats exactly how i felt. it was partly why i stayed for so long. it meant not having to admit it was happening.

The postive thing is that she HAS admited it and that shows she is almost ready to leave. once she has enough info and feels confident about what will happen she will take the next step. nothing you can say or do will make that happen any faster im afraid, its a very personal decision.

It may be next week, it may not be for years to come. you just have to wait...ready with open arms to suport her, which i know you will be.

OK ladies now all remember if your DH/DP is a evil, bullying piece of shit that controls and bully,s and hits you who takes away your self worth and treats you like dirt, its ok....you can get a new car out of it!

Hi, 3 years ago, I finally plucked up the courage to leave my abusive ex husband. For 6 years I stayed with him as he threatened me with the exactly the same thing. He often told me that the court would take my children away from me as I was an unfit mother as I had had puerpal psychosis after the birth of my second child. I was so terrified of him and put up with his violence and mental abuse as I really was convinced that he was right. Then, one day I read an article in a magazine about mental abuse and there was a number for Woman's Aid so I rang them and poured my heart out to this lovely woman, the following day I got my children up and took them to school as normal and never returned to his house. I ended up moving away from the area that I am from and 3 years on am with a fantastic partner who has supported me and the kids through all the hell my ex has tried to put us through. I am almost at the end of a court battle for the kids and all he has managed to get from it is supervised contact in a contact centre once every 2 months for 3 hours. In my experience, my ex husband has thrown everything at the court from the abuse that I suffered as a child to more present stuff and yet my four children still sit in my front room watching bedtime tv. From what I have seen and heard from my solicitor this is the normal kind of threat these men use against women. If you can get her away from him tell her that she does need to prepare herself for everything to be thrown at her in court, but we only got to court last January and in that time my confidence has grown and from the first time I had to face him in court I have grown stronger. She will need lots of love and support through this but she will get there.

concerned. I could be you, writing the same about my sister as she has been going thru exactly the same, only until now she has never admitted it was going on. She is going to court tomorrow to get an injunction against him. I'm terrified for her safety. Our brother has offered to go and kick her dh out of the house, but its something she has to do herself otherwise she will only give in and take him back.

Her husbands sounds very similar to your sister hubbie. There has always been something about him that i dont like, and yet people outside the family say "but he's lovely". Yeah he's so lovely that he threw a tin of paint at my sister when she was pregnant, so lovely that 3 weeks ago he broke her nose while she was holding their 8 months old baby. Both her older ds's have behavioural problems towards their mother because of the way they have seen her treated.

Hope your sister finds the strength that she needs to get help.

Wurly i have replied to yoru post about court so i hope you are able to get some help tomorrow. im assuming you don't have a solicitor sorted? You should try and get hold of at least CAB as if he chooses to appeal then it may get drawn into a lot of paperwork and she needs how violant he is to be stressed clearly in court.

Confused. I am certain that as soon as your sister is able to speak to someone form REFUGE or Womens aid she will realise just how bad things are and that she does have options. she will then build the confidence to leave.

you just need to get her to phone and speak to someone.

0808 2000 247

She has said she will come down & see me an afternoon next week. I said Monday would be great.. & when I show her the papers I will show her this thread... as she has no internet. Although he has for work purposes, she is not interested.

She has now said she has the car on a 6 month trial so I dunno what that's all about.

I am tired tonight. I think I will change back to my normal posting name & spout some inane drivel.

Thanks for all your support girls, it means the world to me.

I can wholeheartedly agree with all you have said.

its not that easy to say if you haven't been in that situation and of course things are a lot deeper than a few messages on here and none of us know what happens behind her closed doors.

BUT that doesn't stop you feeling the way you do and i fully understand why you would.

She is not thinking straight...from an outsiders POV.

Whilst in this relationship she will just not see things as being ""that bad" she doesn't realise the harm she is doing to her children as she probably believes that she is such a terrible mum she would damaghe them by taking away thier dad.

The very nature of the relationship...the demoralising, the beating the constant demolition of any self esteem...it all makes leaving so incredibly hard.

She has taken the first step by telling someone. it is only a small thing to you and your family but trust me...to her it was HUGE.

My advice would be to try and get to speak to her privatly and explain how angry you are, explain that you feel she is putting her children at risk not only of their father but of being placed in care! explain that whilst you feel so much anger that you still love her deeply and you will support her in any decision she makes.

the one thing you dont want to do is make her feel she cannot tell you about whats happening anymore. but don't feel you need to play along either, if she mentions the fact that he has done something again tell her that only she has the power to make it stop, ask her if the kids saw and what doesn she think they thought seeing their mother being beaten on the floor? you need to get her to see it through her childrens eyes.

the best thing you can do is text back and say I love you and will support you no matter what,but i think your wrong to stay.

i hope you dn't need to hear of any more incidents.

Woohoo new car and new beds.......
I fancy a nice new lap top myself, think i will ask DP to smack me about a bit tonight then bribe me with a new lap top to stay with him.

i'm so sorry, concerned it will get bad again and i hope next time, she will summon up the strength to leave. just be there for her, even if you are mad at her for staying. she will need you to be there.
most abusers bribe their victims into staying, its a pathetic, controlling way to keep them. just keep in touch with us here..and remember, the D.V. hotlines can give you a sympathic ear too...

Oh no - only just got back to this

You need to meet her in person and try again - it is a lot easier to ignore what someone is telling you by text (eg her ignirig the sense you are making)

If she is having difficulty finding somewhere to go to, then she needs to try a refuge (contact Refuge or Womens Aid).

She needs to be logging the abuse (photographing bruises etc) and trying to get witnesses wherever possible.

Very very unlikely that her husband will get custody. Depression is very commonplace nowadays and any Judge will know this and recognise that he could be using this as a tactic. Plus, he will need to get some kind of evidence that she suffers from depression if he is going to try and convince the court of anything (i.e. that she may or may not have depression as do millions of other people in this country!).

Similarly, problems within families are very commonplace nowadays (your dad etc), so his threat to "tell all' to the court will probably be met with disinterest by the Judge (who rarely reads the Affidavits in full!).

If you would like me to email you or your sister about this in more detail, I would be more than happy to do so.