Can anyone help me to help my sister? domestic/mental abuse

[concernedaboutmysister]

Hi everyone.

I hope you can bear with me whilst I ramble a little here. I need to help my sister.

She has been married for 13years to a bully.
On the day she got married she shook her head at the church door, but our father told her to settle the head & the wedding went ahead.

First of all can I say, our father abused us all. [have posted threads under another name on this subject] This has some baring on the rest of this story which is why I am saying this here.

I text my sister today as I was in the city she lives in, she works nights & I knew she wouls be asleep so I tect her in the PM & said we would call & see her on the way home. I got a text message back saying:

"you know I'd love to see you. Atmosphere in this house isn't good, whats new. I took the car yesterday & got pulled over by the police for speeding, they saw my tears & the scared kids in the back & let me go, I had our bags packed, I went to XX house. X & me not getting on. I need another job & I need to get out of here, I can't live like this any more. Don't say anything I trust you. He punched me on the arms & legs. The boys say. XX told XX mum was sad cos dad punches her"

[obviously all the above was in text speak, but it took up 3 text messages]

I replied saying she needed to get away now, I would help her, I would lend her monsy to get sorted out, I loved her & I was taking charge now, she wasn't to worry anymore.

She replied:

He said I have no self respect, no breeding. I was low & dirty & no-one cares for me. Said I was dirty & not worth anything. When I got to XX house it turned out that her h hits her so she was no good to help me. I thought you would be at XX so I didn't ring you. I don't want mum to find out & worry. I hate telling you this. Thanks for the offer but I have to sort this myself. I have the boys to think of"

I again told her that I would help her, to get the boys from school & I'd meet her, take her to mine, or somewhere where she could get more help. She said it happens a lot but it usually blows over & he says she's making a mountain from a molehill.

Again I replied, "Im coming for you now!" Got a reply "NO! He's here. Leave it I'll get it sorted"

I am really worried about her. She has no self esteem & no confidence. She tried leaving him before & he told her he would take the boys. He comes from a very well to do background, and as I have said above, our childhood was far from normal. He holds this against her. He said he will take her to court & tell the world what our father did [I have no problems with this, I want this to happen but am too big a coward to be the one who pulls the plug ]

He also said as she had depression that no judge in the land will give her the kids.

Can anyone give me some advice? I am the only one who knows what's going on. I will feel awful if he does something to her & I haven't gotten her away from him soon enough

THanks for getting this far.

Can I ask, what youn would define as all Hell?

If she would end up out of there with the kids? Or if you're wooried he would completely lose it and harm the perpetrator?

Hell for my sister I mean.

I know for a fact that the one thing holding her back is that her h will take her to court & tell the world what our dad did. [again, I don't care personally] but our mum is still alive & my sis doesn't want her to know, she says the shock will kill her.

I had the opportunity to take him to task after my counselling ended. I asked my sisters if they would stand by me & tell the truth about what happened. 2 wouldn't as their dh's aren't aware. 1 denied anything ever happened & this one said her h wouldn't let her live to see the trial. [at the time I just thought she meant he wouldn't like it]

I am 8 years younger than her & I witnessed most of her abuse & feel guilty for not saying anything at the time it was happening

Oh god I feel sick.. am sobbing so hard. I need to help her. She's at work tonight & is not allowed her mobile at work, so if I text her he will get the msg at home if she hasn't the phone switched off.

Oh god, how awful.

He is a bullying idiot though- bullies don't usually carry through.

I would telephone that support number I gave you, they seem able to handle a variety of things, like WWW said you need help too in this.

Whilst you are working it out though, do put the safety stff in palce- emergency phone / passport with you / police aware of situation. That has to be done.

My friend sounds like your sister- she has severe anorexia and her DH has a passport so he can steal the kids if she runs . he has lots of stuff on her, ffraud that he forced her into . ts a terrible, complicated situation but the one important thing here is that those kids must be safe as they are not old enough to look after themselves.

Perhaps your family has a few things it needs to face up to.

I know

Dh is stood beside me saying "It's other peoples marriages, we shouldn't get involved, what if we do & she decided she doesn't want to leave him incase he starts this shit about your dad"

I dunno.. I have to think of the boys I suppose.

You can't leave the kids there.

That has to be the priority really I think. She is an adult after all. Not one who can be relied upon atm because of what has happened to her, but one nonetheless.

this is American but explains the effects on the kids even if he doesn't hurt them.

Deep down I want to urge you to consider approaching social services or the NSPCC, but I don't think you will do it. Perhaps though the effects on the children is an angle to use with her?

Please speak to one of the helplines. There's nothing they won't have heard before.

Poor you. Listen, you've been bullied elsewhere in your life, we're not about to bully you here, we can only tell you what we would do but it's very easier typed than done, we do know that. I do think you can interfere in other peoples marriages where peoples lives (including those of children) are at stake actually. But I understand if you can't do anything right this moment, we're not saying you HAVE to. Just that it is very serious. You both need to stop thinking about other people's feelings too imvho (your mother/her h/other sisters). Your mother shouldn't do anything other than support you.

Peachy, I really will call the helplines first thing in the morning, I promise you that. And I will come on here & tell you what they say. I promise. I really do want o help. I won't stand back & let her kids suffer. I know what suffering as a child has done to me, really I do.

I think atm my plan of action is to have everything in place. Find out her local refuge, find out about what benefits she would be entitled to etc.. & get her all the practical info.

You also need to tell her that she's not the mad one, he is. The law is on her side, she won't lose her children, she will be protecting them.

For what its worth, I think tyou're amazing and I really wish I had a sister as caring as you are. Your sister is so much luckier than many in your position to have you there.

Do you think I could anonoymously inform ss about noise at their house?? It happened @ 6am & if it were as vicious as it sounds then it's very likely someone could have heard??????

I would do it if I thought they would go & speak to her when he wasn't there & help her..

I think see what womens aid say.

Yes you could.

Another option, something I have done- I called NSPCC to chat hrugh concerns about someone anonymously, they lft me to go away and consider what I felt I needed to do. No names, numbers, anything. Justhonest discussion. Their number is on the internet.

Thankyou. We come from a large family & we've always helped eachother out. But as you are now aware there are a lot of skeletons in the closet. My dh & her dh are the only 2 of the husbands who know about the abuse. Mine is 100% supportive, he has held me many nights when I raged & was sick etc... Her dh gathers it all up to throw at her in a row.

She said he came down & give her cigarettes afterwards, she said this is his "sorry".

Right. First thing in morning, call women's aid/nspcc. Ask for advice. Will text sis is PM & ask if everything going OK. I am going to text her every day.

She can text better than talk as he works from home so hears her phonecalls. Yes, he is a domineering fuckwit. But all the neighbours love him. Think she is a nutter she she hardly talks to anyone, except for an old lady across the street

He means the sorry you know. Sounds bizarre but he does. Doesn't mean for one second he will have any more control next time . People say 'I believed him when he said he was sorry'- well yes, because abusers really believe its a once off / the last time / they will change. They just don't have the capacity, or the know how, or whatever fundamental process is missing in their make up.

talk it through with someone who works in the field, anonymously at first if that will help you. Womans Aid, NSPCC_ either will be fine.

Can I also suggest that you need to be aware of yourself in all this? Care for the carers, and all that? Be aware where you can go id you need to hand this over to someone for your own sake. Perhaps discuss this tomorrow, as well?

Concerned - this is a really difficult situation, I hope things get sorted soon

{{{}}}}} to you and your sister

concerned I have to go now, but to you for tonight, and I will check this thread tomorrow to see how you are doing.

Goodnight.

Thanks YG.

Peachy, I am not concerned about myself, honestly. I am kicking myself that my dh isn't as assertive as I would like him to be re: today, going & making her come with us. Because as far as I am aware, packing her bags yesterday & heading to XX house, was the first positive thing she has ever done. & it was all because X told X that dad punches mum... so I am guessing it will finally be her fear/concern for the boys that moves her.

Goodnight xx And a heartfelt thanks for all your support tonight, it's greatly appreciated xx

Why are you so sure that your mum has no idea that something was seriously wrong with you and your sisters relationship with your father? Especially as you have never had spoken with her about it. My mum has a family history of abuse of the worst kind, I wish everyone knew about it, all this shame and secrets - its just poison, as far as I can see keeping it quiet does more harm than good. My mum and her sisters did keep quiet for the sake of their mum and the concequences were horrendous, so many damaged lives, what is more my mum maintains that she did know all along but like them couldn't bring herself to talk about it. If your sisters husband was to say anything in a bid for custody I think everyone would see him for what he is, using something you know about someone in that way is really scrapping the bottom of the barrel. My xp tried to bring up personal things about me when I left him, everyones reaction was the same... what a sick fuck you are, no wonder she left you! And after he said all that he'd lost his ace card, what could he say then?
Get some advice and get her out of there, she might not go straight away, the thing about leaving a bully is that by the time you really think you should you have already lost the bottle to do it. It's taken me a year to feel anything like the person I used to be, my xp still tries to say things to upset me and therefore gain control of the situation but now I just laugh in his face and say 'bring it on' and he stands there looking like a fool. It's really sad because he never used to be so nasty until drink and bitterness took him over, I actually feel sorry for him.

Actually onelife, I don't care if everyone knows. I want it all to come out. I am fed up living like I am the one in the wrong. He is wrong. And during my counselling I suggested that perhaps my mum did know all along & was too afraid to do anything. Lets face it, she had 9 kids & 3 m/c all in a short while, I think we can safely say she didn't agree to intercourse all times [she more or less says this herself in a round about way] My counsellor suggested that in those days [I am the second youngest and am 30, the oldest is well into his 40's]there was nowhere for mums to go with 9 children, it wasn't the "done thing" then to leave your husbands.

Anyway, I don't want to mix this all up with my sisters situation right now, she is my main concern. First thing in the morning I will call & get her all the help ready that she will need. I swear to god, I will get her out of there, & make sure her boys are safe.

Sending you sympathy. Understand how you might feel that you have to keep things secret for other people's sake, but there often comes a point where the secret is more poisonous if it's not discussed. Your sister does not deserve the treatment she is getting. You did not deserve the abuse perpetrated on you and the abusers do not deserve to be protected. FWIW it may be the case that your sister's abusive partner is not as well-loved as he might tell her he is: because (sadly) domestic abuse is so common, quite a lot of people recognise that a certain type of personality might not be the greatest partner in the world. It's also another control techniqe - "I'm so wonderful, everyone thinks so, if you tell anyone I'm unkind to you they'll just think you're ungrateful and mad" - this is not true outside of crappy films.
Hoping you and your sister get free and get help.

Thankyou madamez.

I'm going to go to bed now & will call in the morning & see what I can sort out for her. Night all & thanks again xx

Well hopefully your sister can throw off some of the fear and free herself for good. Of all her sisters my mum was the one who went the lowest, she was in a terrible state mentally at one stage in her life but in the end she turned out to be the strongest of them all. I am really proud of her. I do hope it all comes right for her, it's a long road to travel.

Good luck concernedaboutmysister, some wise words there.