Dating for 6 months and it does not feel right. What can I do to make it work?

[rebsemmie]

Hi all, I've been lurking on mumsnet for a while and I finally mustered enough courage to post a new thread about a situation that I would love to get advice on.

I am 22 and graduated last summer, but I haven't managed to start a career in my chosen field yet (I work part time in a shop while I apply to jobs). 6 months ago I met a man through mutual friends and we started chatting. This man is 44 and professionally very successful, so he offered to mentor me to help me land my dream job. We started hanging out together, at first working together on things like my cv and cover letter to apply for jobs, but then things got more personal and we essentially started dating.

Before anyone assumes that he is dating me just for sex, we don't have sex. I am a virgin and I believe in waiting until marriage, we talked about it early on and he was very understanding and respectful. We have an affectionate physical relationship but we never had sex.

Fast forward to now, we have been dating for 6 months but I don't feel like relationship is progressing as I would like. We only meet 2/3 times a month when we usually spend Saturday together doing nice things and then I sleep over at his place (so he is definitely not married!). When we are together he is lovely and very caring and affectionate. However I can't help but feeling that 6 months in things should be different, we should see each other more, be more involved in each other's lives and perhaps talk about the future. Instead I feel like we are still stuck at a very early stage of the relationship IYSWIM. When I try to suggest to meet up more often he says he is very busy with work (which I guess is true, but still..). He did take me out to the pub with some of his colleagues twice, which made me hope that he was starting to get serious about me.

On top of that, I recently saw some weird notifications popping up on his phone. I don't know for sure, but I think he was chatting to a female colleague and the tone of the conversation sounded a bit flirty to me. When I confronted him about the messages he said that he was chatting with a friend from work and that there was nothing to be jealous of. However I looked for the name of the female colleague on social media and I noticed that he follows her on multiple platforms and that he liked and commented a lot of her posts and pics.

I don't know if I am being paranoid, but I feel very insecure about our relationship and I am starting to obsess about him and this colleague. I am convinced they are seeing each other outside of work and having sex, which is the one thing he can't get from me.

I don't know what I should do. I wonder if it makes sense to continue this relationship if it is still so underdeveloped 6 months in. Do you think I should end things with him? Or perhaps I should have an honest conversation with him about where our relationship is heading?

I think I am scared of what he could say. I fell hard for him and I am not ready to lose him so quickly. Please help :(

Not sure why your only interpretation of 'perv' is related to age. He was dating two women at once, sniffing around a virgin for kicks. How many of your 40something men were fucking someone else on the side? Is that how you define 'knew what they were doing'. Yep he sure did.

I dated my husband for 6 months before sleeping with him, so there's your example.

Tatiana - you and your future husband were dating - i presume it involved going out and meeting friends, etc. And that was happening more than 2-3/months.
And all - with a mutual understanding that you are getting comfortable with each other before you moved to the next stage.
And yet - the next stage for you was sex, not quite marriage.

Most people on this thread reflected on him being older than the OP. So - I was referring to that.
And even if he was actually dating two women - it still doesn't make h a perv. Not an upstanding citizen, but still not a deviant.
And, in this situation - we don't know what his arrangement with the other woman was. What she knew or didn't.
The fact that the OP created a fairytale in her head - it's not really on him.

And as to me back in my 20s - i don't know who else these older men slept with.
I wasn't dating him - was to busy studying, working, moving countries to study more.
So, we were friends, or colleagues. And we slept together sometimes, not dated.

MN often portrays life as b/w.
It is not.
Many arrangements are possible and are OK.

Perv is a very loose term, used colloquially. If I say I 'perved over' pics of I dunno Scott Eastwood (I did) it someone doesn't imply deviancy.

It's not on him? OP created a fairy tale because he omitted to admit that he was fucking someone else and to admit that no sex was a dealbreaker. I don't believe for a minute the OW knew about OP.

MN is not a single entity. My experience of it is that many women have low expectations of men.

If people want unconventional relationships that's absolutely fine, but they must be honest so that everyone knows where they stand. Otherwise they're just a cheat.

OP I'm so glad to hear that you have a good support network. Keep up your social life and be kind to yourself. You will meet someone worthy. In a way I'm glad that you have seen more proof of the 'relationship' between this guy and his colleague because it will help you to close the door on that relationship. It felt like you might rekindle after the break up post, hoping that he would change or at least you might always have a question mark over whether it could have worked. Focus on you and your career for now. All the best OP.

OP, he might have wanted you to find the earrings and for this to end. Most men I know who have a partner/wife etc if even women friends stay over or come over and leave earrings when their partner isn't there, they ensure earrings etc aren't left there.

This woman maybe is doing this leaving jewellery there to "stake her claim" on him.

And yes he's 44 and knows exactly what he's doing and you're half his age and should stick to your principles! Wait to meet someone who deserves you.

I think you're coping very well, and you did everything right.

You don't yet have that cynicism born of experience to help steer you by seeing the likely signs and being able to judge against the different types of attitude and relationship types you've seen and experienced. You might never get that experience if you settle down with someone young. And that's ok. Don't feel bad because you haven't lived more than your years or experience! But as another poster wrote, in spite of going through this for the first time, you did realise something wasn't right. So your instincts are all pointing you the right way, even if your heart is feeling pretty bruised by it all right now.

I agree he didn't behave very well towards you. He knew you, and knew you wouldn't be able to read his behaviour as accurately (as cynically!) as another person, and he too advantage of that gap between your reality and his. With such an age and power imbalance, it was on him to male it clear, and he didn't. Because he was both a coward and selfish person - it was much nicer for him to carry on with you whilst kindling new relationships. He should have been a proper grown up and had that conversation with you as soon as he'd decided he wasn't in a relationship with you anymore. Giving you keys and such like is giving strong messages that it is serious by the way. Don't doubt yourself for being confused. He made it confusing.

I did give up my beliefs in order to get men to go out with me. I wish I hadn't. And I'm glad you have stopped going in that direction. Have sex for you, not for anyone else.

Now I'm a mum and would love to be with someone, but just the idea of having to go through all the dating angst and dance of sex again makes me sigh! Perhaps it's a sign I'm not ready.

But you go lick your wounds and feel better, then when you're ready take everything you've learnt and use it to find someone who is at the same moment in life, and above all, adores you as much as you adore them.

Well I agree with you that he did not behave well towards me. I may have been naive but he let me think we were in relationship and never clarified that he had a different point of view. He let me leave quite a lot of clothes at his and I had the key to his place so I could walk his dog when he was away for work. To me these were signs that we were serious about each other.

I now realize I should have asked him directly where we stood instead of guessing.

Superflyhigh I actually thought he left the earrings on purpose too. When I confronted him he essentially admitted he had been wanting to talk to me for a while but he said the idea of hurting me killed him so he could
not find the courage. Leaving those earrings was a convenient way for him to make me raise the topic.

I wonder how long he had been seeing/ dating this colleague while still dating me

Thank you everyone who has been posting on this thread. The support I am getting from Mumsnet is invaluable and it is helping me enormously get through this shitty time.

Thank you all