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Original poster

Dating for 6 months and it does not feel right. What can I do to make it work?

110 replies

rebsemmie · 24/05/2017 21:50

Hi all, I've been lurking on mumsnet for a while and I finally mustered enough courage to post a new thread about a situation that I would love to get advice on.

I am 22 and graduated last summer, but I haven't managed to start a career in my chosen field yet (I work part time in a shop while I apply to jobs). 6 months ago I met a man through mutual friends and we started chatting. This man is 44 and professionally very successful, so he offered to mentor me to help me land my dream job. We started hanging out together, at first working together on things like my cv and cover letter to apply for jobs, but then things got more personal and we essentially started dating.

Before anyone assumes that he is dating me just for sex, we don't have sex. I am a virgin and I believe in waiting until marriage, we talked about it early on and he was very understanding and respectful. We have an affectionate physical relationship but we never had sex.

Fast forward to now, we have been dating for 6 months but I don't feel like relationship is progressing as I would like. We only meet 2/3 times a month when we usually spend Saturday together doing nice things and then I sleep over at his place (so he is definitely not married!). When we are together he is lovely and very caring and affectionate. However I can't help but feeling that 6 months in things should be different, we should see each other more, be more involved in each other's lives and perhaps talk about the future. Instead I feel like we are still stuck at a very early stage of the relationship IYSWIM. When I try to suggest to meet up more often he says he is very busy with work (which I guess is true, but still..). He did take me out to the pub with some of his colleagues twice, which made me hope that he was starting to get serious about me.

On top of that, I recently saw some weird notifications popping up on his phone. I don't know for sure, but I think he was chatting to a female colleague and the tone of the conversation sounded a bit flirty to me. When I confronted him about the messages he said that he was chatting with a friend from work and that there was nothing to be jealous of. However I looked for the name of the female colleague on social media and I noticed that he follows her on multiple platforms and that he liked and commented a lot of her posts and pics.

I don't know if I am being paranoid, but I feel very insecure about our relationship and I am starting to obsess about him and this colleague. I am convinced they are seeing each other outside of work and having sex, which is the one thing he can't get from me.

I don't know what I should do. I wonder if it makes sense to continue this relationship if it is still so underdeveloped 6 months in. Do you think I should end things with him? Or perhaps I should have an honest conversation with him about where our relationship is heading?

I think I am scared of what he could say. I fell hard for him and I am not ready to lose him so quickly. Please help :(

OP posts:
Mermaidinthesea123 · 25/05/2017 18:34

It isn't working and in 10 years time he will be pipe and slippers man. have fun with someone your own age, this is going nowhere and he is most likely just dating you to pander to his own ego.

Phoebefromfriends · 25/05/2017 18:38

When you say that you are physical do you mean you do everything but sex or is it all off the table? I'm just curious because I wonder whether he thinks with time he can conquer you.

Original poster
rebsemmie · 25/05/2017 18:39

Phoebe we did some foreplays but never full-on sex IYSWIM. He has never tried to force me to go beyond what I am comfortable with.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/05/2017 18:41

He wants something from you. I assume it is your virginity. He pretended to mentor you and has taken advantage of you.

Of course, if there is no sexual contact at all, no touching, no kissing, maybe this "relationship" is all in your mind and he's just a crap mentor who only wanted a friend.

What's his relationship history?

Original poster
rebsemmie · 25/05/2017 18:44

Runrabbit he was married for 6 years in his late 20s/ early 30s, then 3 serious relationships of 3/4/5 years. He wants kids one day but so far he says "it hasn't happened".

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/05/2017 19:07

Did he say why those relationships ended?

Also, what's your definition of no sex? Does that mean you only exclude penis in vagina?

I grew up in a religious environment where some girls who didn't have sex would still be up for a night of blow jobs, cunnilingus and groping of the firm young body while not doing anything that would get them pregnant. Whereas others would wear three layers of underwear at all times and never let a man touch them below the neck. Where do you sit on that spectrum and has he pushed those boundaries during the weekend mentoring sessions?

Original poster
rebsemmie · 25/05/2017 19:13

RunRabbit

He never talked about why those relationships ended, so I don't know.

We do petting/ passionate kissing but usually I keep my underwear on so I am not fully naked. He usually does foreplay to me but I only did it to him once (no blowjob, just hands).

When we sleep together he gets naked but I keep underwear on and we sleep in each other's arms.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/05/2017 19:37

He is getting sex from you.

It seems like you are a friend with benefits.

TatianaLarina · 25/05/2017 19:45

This isn't a relationship.

He's waiting around to see if you'll crack.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/05/2017 20:24

I'd wager he loves the chase and cheated on his exes or got bored and left.

category12 · 25/05/2017 20:41

Foreplay? You mean oral sex, right?

He's just giving you enough relationshippy stuff to keep you hanging on until you crack and fuck him. Then he'll be off like Skippy the kangaroo, very likely. You don't have enough in common for him to want to spend time with you and friends or family, or plan ahead. You are, otoh, a fantastic ego boost.

Phoebefromfriends · 25/05/2017 20:47

Unfortunately I just don't understand why your beliefs think playing with each others genitals is OK but piv isn't, I would find this very confusing and in my mind I would assume it wouldn't be long until you had sex. No wonder he doesn't indulge in these sessions often if you rarely touch him but regularly receive. Please leave him OP with someone young who has the same beliefs, this is not going to work out.

Phoebefromfriends · 25/05/2017 20:49

I meant to write 'please leave him OP and date someone young who has the same beliefs.'

wildflowerfable · 25/05/2017 21:39

After reading your more recent posts where you mentioned you do foreplay, I think he could well be hoping for proper sex soon. I could be wrong, but I have a feeling he could be trying to 'conquer' this young virgin.

Of course you know him better than me or anyone else posting here, but that's certainly the impression I have.

As I mentioned in my first post, Dh and I waited until marriage (nothing more than just kissing), but it's definitely beliefs I think you both need to have for it to work.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/05/2017 22:12

You are an exciting challenge OP.
He is hoping to conquer you.
In a way, it's a dangerous game, indulging in intimate foreplay, it would be so easy .....
It's not the age gap that bothers me, it's the fact that you are both on different pages.

Original poster
rebsemmie · 29/05/2017 21:22

UPDATE

You were all so right Sad

Went to his place today to hang out and I noticed a pair of earrings in the bathroom next to the sink. When I confronted him about them, he initially denied seeing another woman (he said the cleaner forgot them!!) but then he finally admitted seeing someone else.

He said he is very sorry, but he feels we are at different stages in life and that we want different things. He also said he should
not have let our relationship go on for so long after realizing that, but that he could not find the courage to hurt me because I am such a nice person and I deserve to be happy.

He asked me to take with me the clothes I left at his place and to give the keys back to him. It felt like a final decision.

I think it is over for good. I feel terrible. I should have seen this coming. How could I be so stupid?

SadSadSad

OP posts:
Dawnedlightly · 29/05/2017 21:29

Don't beat yourself up, love Sad

Not now, but maybe it's a good time to review your dating expectations. Why do you want to stay a virgin? If it's for religious or cultural reasons, think about fishing in that pond! And tbh, foreplay but no sex, is a bit confusing.

Ellisandra · 29/05/2017 21:37

No, darling you were right.

You were the one who saw all the alarm bells that this wasn't progressing.
You were the one who came here to talk about it because it didn't feel right.
You are the one who didn't swallow his bullshit lie about the ear rings.

Feel sad, feel angry - but don't feel stupid.

Don't dwell on it, it will hurt like hell for a bit but in a few years time it'll be a story you share with your friends in an amused cringe "what was I thinking?!!" way. Chin up!

thestamp · 29/05/2017 21:48

I would have made the same mistake at your age love! You've done fine! Don't beat yourself up.

You've had a big opportunity to learn here. It feels horrible now but in time you'll see how lucky you were that you've had a chance to make a mistake early, before you've wasted years on end.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/05/2017 21:52

There is nothing stupid about you, on the contrary, you are a clued up young woman. You're free now, so leave it there.
I'm pretty sure someone more fitting, will be along very soon.
Don't beat yourself up Lovely.💐

Phoebefromfriends · 29/05/2017 21:57

Please don't feel stupid, you posted here because you knew something wasn't right. I really hope you date lots of people and find someone who can appreciate what a great person you are. Take care of yourself OP, cut all contact and make lots of plans so you aren't sitting at home thinking about it. I'm sorry it ended like this but I'm pleased you posted so it didn't come as a complete shock. All the best OP.

Josuk · 29/05/2017 23:40

You are not stupid, just young and naive.
If staying a virgin is so important to you - you need to realise very clearly - that you can only date men who have the same philosophy/religion.

Sex is a big part of life for most of the adults, and is essential in dating. I doubt any non-religious man would take a risk of marrying someone before having sex with them.
Some would date you, hoping you'll change your mind.
But that will end in heartbreak for you.

Phoebefromfriends · 30/05/2017 07:49

Josuk has some wise words. I wonder how long the relationship would have lasted if there had been no sexual contact. Unfortunately I think he was hoping he'd conquer your virginity, something to bare in mind going forwards. Good luck OP.

NotMyPenguin · 30/05/2017 08:35

I do think you will eventually agree with his assessment that you are at different life stages. If you have a firmly held belief that you want to save sex for marriage, you are probably going to find that you are more compatible with another man of your own age with similar values, and it can be a special first thing for both of you. This kind of relationship would be much more evenly balanced.

On the plus side, although you must be hurting, what you posted and the subsequent events show that your intuition is functioning totally wonderfully and you will be able to trust it more in future!

Original poster
rebsemmie · 30/05/2017 08:43

As PP said, I think he just realized I was not going to give in and sleep with him and he moved onto someone else (who can probably give him what he wants).

I understand what you say about dating other Christians and I agree that is what I should do. I thought this specific person cared about me enough to enjoy and value what we had together even if it did not include sex.

What really hurts though is that instead of being honest with me as soon as he realized the relationship was not going to work, he started seeing (I guess sleeping with..?) someone else which essentially means he cheated on me.

He said he does not think he cheated on me but how on Earth was that not cheating??

OP posts: