Dating for 6 months and it does not feel right. What can I do to make it work?

[rebsemmie]

Hi all, I've been lurking on mumsnet for a while and I finally mustered enough courage to post a new thread about a situation that I would love to get advice on.

I am 22 and graduated last summer, but I haven't managed to start a career in my chosen field yet (I work part time in a shop while I apply to jobs). 6 months ago I met a man through mutual friends and we started chatting. This man is 44 and professionally very successful, so he offered to mentor me to help me land my dream job. We started hanging out together, at first working together on things like my cv and cover letter to apply for jobs, but then things got more personal and we essentially started dating.

Before anyone assumes that he is dating me just for sex, we don't have sex. I am a virgin and I believe in waiting until marriage, we talked about it early on and he was very understanding and respectful. We have an affectionate physical relationship but we never had sex.

Fast forward to now, we have been dating for 6 months but I don't feel like relationship is progressing as I would like. We only meet 2/3 times a month when we usually spend Saturday together doing nice things and then I sleep over at his place (so he is definitely not married!). When we are together he is lovely and very caring and affectionate. However I can't help but feeling that 6 months in things should be different, we should see each other more, be more involved in each other's lives and perhaps talk about the future. Instead I feel like we are still stuck at a very early stage of the relationship IYSWIM. When I try to suggest to meet up more often he says he is very busy with work (which I guess is true, but still..). He did take me out to the pub with some of his colleagues twice, which made me hope that he was starting to get serious about me.

On top of that, I recently saw some weird notifications popping up on his phone. I don't know for sure, but I think he was chatting to a female colleague and the tone of the conversation sounded a bit flirty to me. When I confronted him about the messages he said that he was chatting with a friend from work and that there was nothing to be jealous of. However I looked for the name of the female colleague on social media and I noticed that he follows her on multiple platforms and that he liked and commented a lot of her posts and pics.

I don't know if I am being paranoid, but I feel very insecure about our relationship and I am starting to obsess about him and this colleague. I am convinced they are seeing each other outside of work and having sex, which is the one thing he can't get from me.

I don't know what I should do. I wonder if it makes sense to continue this relationship if it is still so underdeveloped 6 months in. Do you think I should end things with him? Or perhaps I should have an honest conversation with him about where our relationship is heading?

I think I am scared of what he could say. I fell hard for him and I am not ready to lose him so quickly. Please help :(

Also, when it comes to the age gap - sometimes it's an issue, sometimes it doesn't matter.

The fact that he started off as your mentor could be a coincidence, but could be a bit of a red flag and starts off your relationship with an imbalance.

This isn't a relationship. Maybe he just likes having an impressionable young woman look up to him?

You've spent very little time with him to be feeling like you can't live without him. For 27 days out of every 30 days in a month you live without him.

Are you short of close companionship in general? Have you got a best friend you see often? A sister?

I hate to ask this but does he know you think you are dating and are in a relationship? It's just that he sounds more like a sleazy middle-aged friend, i.e. he sees himself as a friend / mentor but oversteps the mark for a grope and some adoring company now and then.

Without meaning to sound patronising, 22 is very young - you've a whole life out there waiting to be lived! This 44 year old chap sounds like a little interlude, but not for keeps. And yes, age gaps in relationships can work but my advice as an old wrinkly would be to get out there and live a little. He doesn't sound as if he is really that interested in you, at his age I am sure he will be playing his violin elsewhere if you get my meaning!

He just likes the thought of you being a virgin and is just biding his time and giving all the sweet talk bollocks on the chance you will fall for it and put out.

If you think he isn't getting his fix elsewhere you must be very naive indeed.

As PP said, how can you not live without him when you only see him 3 days a month?!

Age difference per se is not an issue, in my opinion.
However - he is 44 and not married.
Clearly - commitment is not something that he necessarily wants in his life, or what he is looking for.
Adding to that - marrying someone prior to having sex with them, not knowing whether there is comparability and all that.

And, of course, he has had and continues to have a sex life.
Just not with you.

Maybe it sounds a bit blant, sorry.
But the reality is - unless you find another young person who is waiting till marriage - it won't be easy for you to date regular men.
Sex is important for most people, great sex with a partner you choose to spend a long, long time with - also very important.

3 days a month and you've been together 6 months

C'mon youarent in life with him, you are in love with the IDEA of him

You haven't a scooby who the actual real person is.

And the few bits you've seen don't look to be at all compatible with your values. Every day you are with him is a day you aren't with the right person for you.

You have only actually spent 2 and a half weeks with him!!

If he can get sex, he's having it. What you have is a flirtation, it's an ego boost for him and he's happy to be flattered... But it's not a relationship. You're 22, at 44 he's old enough to be your dad, he's a bit of a creep.

44 is way too old for you I think / fine to want to wait until marriage but with someone of similar values

A man his age without the same beliefs wouldn't abstain. He's had lots of sex already.

This isn't a relationship to him, nor would would it be to me if we didn't have a sexual connection. He's stringing you along in hopes of having sex with a virgin, not long term. You won't get what your looking for so I'd cut ties and find someone you have more in common with.

*you're.

Please listen to those wise posters above you are just dating and not in am actual relationship as you hardly spend any time together. It doesn't sound like he makes you his priority. I just can't see this working out. I suspect he has a girlfriend or family somewhere else and fits you in when they aren't around. Unfortunately you can't make this relationship work. Don't waste anymore time on this guy, I would cut your losses and focus on getting a job. Try dating other young people and I'm sure you will meet someone who makes you a top priority not just an optional extra. Wishing you the best OP, you are young and have so much to look forward to don't waste it on this guy.

So it is unanimous I guess

I thought that dating for 6 months meant that something important was developing between us, but I was clearly wrong.

I know I am young and that there are many good men out there, but right now he is the only one I care about..

You see him twice a bloody month ffs.
Do you honestly believe he's alone the rest of that time??

This guy has most likely spent your whole lifetime shagging away.
What do you actually want from him? Marriage? Kids? That ain't gonna happen. Go find someone who shares your values.

If you sleep with him he'd dump you pretty quickly after that.

Learn to listen to your inner voice. Maybe he isn't having sex with this woman, but I think he's making his intentions clear. If he had half a chance, he'd be in there.
I imagine being a 44 year old man, used to a regular sex life, it will be increasingly difficult for him to remain celebate.
Go out and enjoy yourself, mix with like minded young people, have fun.
Be someone's No1 Rebsemmie, you're worth it ! 😄

"Do you honestly believe he's alone the rest of that time??"

Honestly until now yes I did not think he saw others. He seems so content and affectionate when we are together. This thread is making me see how terribly naive of me that was..

Even his mentoring ain't that great, is it? Not if you're still working in a shop since you met him.

I'm sorry, another one who thinks he's in it for the ego stroking.

Not having sex - fine.
Only seeing each other occasionally - that's not a relationship at all.

He is a predator. You are being groomed. Quite successfully.

What kind of relationship role models do you have? You sound a bit like the child of an alcoholic or some other kind of selfish person.

"He is a predator. You are being groomed. Quite successfully"

Why do you think so RunRabbit? It is not like I am an under-age girl, I am technically an adult (although young!). As I previously stated sex is off the cards so I don't understand why you would think he is a predator.

Remember that you probably seem very young to him. I expect he enjoys the ego boost of your adoration but has no interest in a serious relationship. That's no reflection on you at all, you're just at very different stages of life.

I think that what rabbit means is what has already been said about the age difference plus the boundary blurring of being your mentor plus the high likelihood that actually at some point he is going to try pressuring for sex (or worse) because the reasons he is in this relationship are ego stroking and sex with a virgin.

*with the obvious caveat that these are why people would worry for you in these circs and that we don't actually know him - you do.

I'd say he may just not be investing because no sex and either knows it and will start pressuring then leave or doesn't really know it and when realises it will leave.

Either way, do you really think someone whose total contribution to 6 months of dating is about 12 dates? Does that sound like someone you want to be with? Does it sound like someone who wants the same things from life as you?