Dating for 6 months and it does not feel right. What can I do to make it work?

[rebsemmie]

Hi all, I've been lurking on mumsnet for a while and I finally mustered enough courage to post a new thread about a situation that I would love to get advice on.

I am 22 and graduated last summer, but I haven't managed to start a career in my chosen field yet (I work part time in a shop while I apply to jobs). 6 months ago I met a man through mutual friends and we started chatting. This man is 44 and professionally very successful, so he offered to mentor me to help me land my dream job. We started hanging out together, at first working together on things like my cv and cover letter to apply for jobs, but then things got more personal and we essentially started dating.

Before anyone assumes that he is dating me just for sex, we don't have sex. I am a virgin and I believe in waiting until marriage, we talked about it early on and he was very understanding and respectful. We have an affectionate physical relationship but we never had sex.

Fast forward to now, we have been dating for 6 months but I don't feel like relationship is progressing as I would like. We only meet 2/3 times a month when we usually spend Saturday together doing nice things and then I sleep over at his place (so he is definitely not married!). When we are together he is lovely and very caring and affectionate. However I can't help but feeling that 6 months in things should be different, we should see each other more, be more involved in each other's lives and perhaps talk about the future. Instead I feel like we are still stuck at a very early stage of the relationship IYSWIM. When I try to suggest to meet up more often he says he is very busy with work (which I guess is true, but still..). He did take me out to the pub with some of his colleagues twice, which made me hope that he was starting to get serious about me.

On top of that, I recently saw some weird notifications popping up on his phone. I don't know for sure, but I think he was chatting to a female colleague and the tone of the conversation sounded a bit flirty to me. When I confronted him about the messages he said that he was chatting with a friend from work and that there was nothing to be jealous of. However I looked for the name of the female colleague on social media and I noticed that he follows her on multiple platforms and that he liked and commented a lot of her posts and pics.

I don't know if I am being paranoid, but I feel very insecure about our relationship and I am starting to obsess about him and this colleague. I am convinced they are seeing each other outside of work and having sex, which is the one thing he can't get from me.

I don't know what I should do. I wonder if it makes sense to continue this relationship if it is still so underdeveloped 6 months in. Do you think I should end things with him? Or perhaps I should have an honest conversation with him about where our relationship is heading?

I think I am scared of what he could say. I fell hard for him and I am not ready to lose him so quickly. Please help :(

I guess it depends on how he viewed the relationship. It sounds like he thought it was something casual, you something more.

I also think he was right, you're at different life stages and have different values. He's a 44 year old man, and as much as he clearly liked you, he is looking for something different in a relationship.

I think you'd be better off not just with someone closer to your own age, but someone who shared your values. Many relationships don't work out, I would just move on gracefully and accept somethings are not meant to be.

In your definition of your relationship he was cheating but he obviously felt that by not sleeping together you were casually seeing each other. You only saw each other 3x per month, this wasn't a serious relationship for him. Unfortunately he wasn't going to marry you and probably felt he could conquer your virginity.

Sex for the majority of people is a KEY component of a relationship, otherwise you are just friends and that doesn't require the same emotional commitment as a relationship. He definitely should have been honest with you and it's wrong that he didn't break up with you before.

Phoebe but how can you say two people are "just friends" when they cuddle, kiss, sleep together and are generally romantic with each other? Surely I don't do all this stuff with friends!

I can't understand how he clearly never thought that this was a relationship while acting like a boyfriend for the whole time.

(I hope I don't come across as petulant, I guess I am just ranting at this point)

Sorry of I'm missing the point of the thread, but I dont like terminology like 'give him what he wants', as if sex is something that men want and women give/not give to them.

Women have sex with men, (becasue they want to, and enjoy it), not give it to men as some kind of precious gift.

I think he's done the right thing in ending it, rather than continuing to string you along.

OP he was only seeing you 3x per month, in your own words you stated that he didn't talk about the future and he's twice your age. Did you even share the same views about your religion? A few cuddles and nice words don't make up for the fact that he didn't spend time with you. He also did a crap job of mentoring you. You deserve so much more than this. You deserve someone who supports you, not just spends a few days per month with you. Take care OP, it's raw right now but it will get better.

Op it doesn't matter what you think about it being a relationship or not... The fact is, it's highly likely that he didn't see you as his girlfriend.

I'm halfway between your two ages and have had 3 serious partners in my lifetime... And if I wasn't having sex with a man, and seeing him fairly rarely, sorry but he would not be my "boyfriend". That's pretty much par for the course for most people's definition of a relationship.

I know you're hurting. Just remember you can't control what other people think and do. You can only control you. Don't waste time being outraged that he saw things differently to you... He didn't owe you anything. A kiss is not a contract.

Phoebe but how can you say two people are "just friends" when they cuddle, kiss, sleep together and are generally romantic with each other? Surely I don't do all this stuff with friends!

It is absolutely fine for you to define what a constitutes a relationship for you. Two things; 1. Sex or no sex many men try to tell women that their idea of a relationship is wrong, do not allow any man to make you feel bad about your beliefs re relationships, ever.

1. Your beliefs are different to the vast majority of people. That doesn't mean they are wrong (see above) but it does mean that you can't assume someone else is taking the things you list above as seriously as you do.

I can't understand how he clearly never thought that this was a relationship while acting like a boyfriend for the whole time.

I assume he is one of the many people who don't really take a relationship seriously if there isn't any sex. What he has done is lead you on, which is deeply unpleasant when it happens to anyone. He should have been more careful but please, without implying you are to blame, learn from this before you start looking for another relationship.

But he wasn't acting like a BF. You saw each other for a few dates a month. You didnt meet each other's families and friends or go on holiday or make future plans.

It didn't feel right because it WASNT right. You were clearly very emotionally invested. You thought you were showing how much you cared for him by having non PIV sex. For you that was a big deal.

For him it wasn't .

You are coming from very different places in many different ways, which is why so many posters up thread were concerned about you.

You need to listen to the good advice here - find a boy of your own age who shares your beliefs and values. And you need to be much clearer about what kind of relationship you want - in and outside the bedroom.

If you want to have non PIV sex while you are casually dating but not PIV sex until you are Married, you need to discuss this early in the relationship. Because thats quite unusual for committed Christians and for people with no religious beliefs.

I wonder if it would help you to talk to a woman you respect within your faith community ? Who would share your values and support you in working all this out.

Offred

Thank you very much for your kind words (and thank you to all the other posters who left a message).

I know you are right and that this is going to be a valuable lesson for me. Right now I just feel stupid for being so naive and believing that an adult man could like me enough to have a relationship with me even though sex was not included.

I just had a chat with a (smart) friend of mine who thinks that for the first few months he probably hoped I was going to give in and sleep with him. After a while he realized that was not going to happen so he essentially lost interest and looked elsewhere. She thinks he was intrigued by the whole "conquering a virgin" idea. How awful.

I can only say I am so glad I stuck to my guns and did not give in about having sex. I would have regretted it so bitterly now

I wonder if it would help you to talk to a woman you respect within your faith community ? Who would share your values and support you in working all this out.

I think this is very good advice C0RAL. When I started seeing him I had never done and I did not really want to do any kind of sexual contact, but down the line I think I forced myself because I saw it as a kind of a compromise to make him happy. He never forced me, mind you. I put that pressure upon myself, how silly.

Forcing yourself to have sexual contact you don't want is a bit of a red flag I think.

Admits even harder when the power balance in the relationship is so unequal.

Maybe you need to take a break from dating right now and concentrate on your career and having fun with your friends.

I think you've had a lucky escape. Be thankful you never gave in and lost your precious virginity to him.
Please please don't think of yourself as stupid. You are far from it.
Give yourself a bit of time to get over him and then go out and enjoy yourself.

Well done. You knew something was off deep down and you were right. listen to that instinct of yours, it's serving you well!

I always dated men a lot older than myself in my 20s and thought it was fine (and rather grownup and exotic!) at the time. However now I'm older I see it totally differently and to be honest it makes me feel weirded out and a bit disgusted. Looking back I think all my friends and family were a bit !! I know we've all heard of examples where it works out but these really are the exception to the rule.

It might be worth having a think about why being with a man who is so much older seems like a good option for you. Especially one who doesn't share your religious values. I know it may not seem too important right now but if you do have strong religious convictions which you would like to live by then it will make it easier all round in the long run if you look for a man who also share something of the same values. I don't think it's very easy to date past a certain age without sex becoming more and more important and expected (sadly!). I don't know how healthy it is either to equate not having sex with 'but if he really liked me he would understand'.

It just seems to me like you have gone into a relationship which is almost doomed to fail on a number of levels. Age, religious values and expectations around sex. Sorry if that sounds hardy, however as many people find, sometimes even loving each other deeply isn't enough to overcome these big differences.

I feel stupid for being so naive and believing that an adult man could like me enough to have a relationship with me even though sex was not included.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. NOPE! Believing this would be allowing a much older man who exploited his status in both age and experience to lead you on, to dictate how you feel about yourself.

You are allowed and expected to be naive about relationships, you are young. The correct way to see this IMO is 'what a great person I am for sticking with what I believed, hoping for the best and being open to different people and different perspectives. It didn't work out well, I'll learn from it and grow'.

Don't allow this experience to make you critical of yourself. Things like beliefs may well change as you grow older, and please don't see this as an attempt to patronise you as I am only 10 years older than you, but you definitely need to both believe in and trust in yourself. You have an absolute and fundamental right to expect your own support!

The person who is right for you is going to want you for who you are not for what you do for them.

How you getting on OP?

Hi Phoebe, thank you very much for checking in with me.

I am doing ok, still feeling very sad and thinking about him all the time. I have great friends who are supporting me and making me see how wrong the situation was. I know it is for the best, although I can't see it now IYSWIM.

I am ashamed to admit that I did some online stalking research and my suspicions that he is dating that female colleague seem to be correct. A few days ago she posted a pic taken from his garden, so now I am reasonably sure there is something going on between them. I know I should not care but it hurts like hell.

Judging from her social media profile she is so beautiful and sophisticated and I can't help feeling inferior. I know I should not say this, but I sort of understand why he picked her over me

It isn't that you're not beautiful and sophisticated! Just that they are better suited than you two are.

There will be a lovely man somewhere for you, who shares your beliefs, who won't pressure you, for whom you will be that beautiful and sophisticated person. Honestly.

I think it's great that at 22 you have the knowledge of yourself and beliefs to stick to it and not get swept up in what you think you 'should' do to get a boyfriend etc. If I'd just followed that advice it wouldn't have taken me so long to get with my (lovely) DP and not write him off as 'too nice'.

You did really well to recognise things were off, and to act on them and not just ignore them (you could have given in to sex, you didn't, you could have ignored the earrings and the messages, you didn't). I know it feels shit right now but it will get better and you'll feel thankful you didn't stay with this guy only to have your heart well and truly broken after you'd done things to 'keep' him. x

He didn't pick her over you. You, wisely it turns out, wouldn't have sex with him and she would, that's all it comes down to.

He didn't like or respect her (or you) enough not to keep seeing you.

Given your age and his, he would probably have 'chosen' you if you'd put out - because he sounds like a perv. A two-timing perv.

You dodged a massive bellend bullet.

Tatiana - a perv, really?
OP is hardly underaged. And there was no two-timing, not really.
He may have lead OP on, but really, no adult would consider what they had 'a relationship'.

OP, you say you understand, but I don't think you quite do.
Adult men, who have had sex before - would not seriously date you, and would not marry you without having sex. No matter, how much they like you as a person.
I think you still think/hope that it's not the truth - and only if he actually liked you- it'd have worked.
No. It doesn't work like this.

And, btw, it's not only true for men. Ask women here on MN - how many would date a man w/o having sex, how long would that last, and would they marry a man without having established sexual compatibility.

He didn't chose her over you. You had a 'maybe, potentially' a relationship, that didn't happen. And the colleague and him - they were dating, or at least being FWB.

Know all about 40something men chasing 20something women, been there

OP was dating him, he was fucking another woman, how is that not 2-timing? Highly doubt the OW knew he was seeing someone else.

Hello OP. I read the title and have not read past the line where you said you are 22. I don't need to know anything more than that. It's six months old, it's a foetus of a relationship and it's at a stage where anything with any legs would be feeling good. And you are 22. End the relationship, go to a club, get pissed and enjoy yourself already.

I have slept with 40yo men when i was in my 20s. They didn't chase me, didn't target me.
I liked older men at that time.
They were more confident, and interesting. And knew what they were doing.

OP's definition of dating is different from most of other people.
How many people have YOU personally dated without sleeping with them?