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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to save my marriage after my husbands affair

118 replies

Gizmo78 · 21/05/2017 23:35

It's nearly a year since I found out my husband had been unfaithful and although we are trying to save our marriage some days I just don't know if we are doing the right thing.
We've been together since we were teenagers , and every one says we have the strongest marriage they've ever seen , always been great friends as well as lovers but a year ago he had an affair that had been going on for 10 months. During that time nothing changed in our marriage he still treat me amazing , loved me the same but sneaked off when I was working to see her and lied to me about everything when I questioned him. I just don't feel I really know him ,. I has a breakdown as a result of this during the time I suspected he was having an affair an he convinced me it was all in my head and I must be going through the menapause( I'm not by the way)
I know she was an ego boost for him being nearly 20 years younger but I can't excuse how weak he was to not walk away. He had no intention of leaving me for her she just made him feel good but I'm left in pieces.
Every thing he says I question in my head , I know my marriage will never be the same and I know I will never feel the same about him so is it worth me trying to salvage my marriage.im so confused my marriage has always been the most important thing in my life and now I'm just devastated

OP posts:
jouu · 21/05/2017 23:38

I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering like this.

How has he been since he was found out? How did you find out?

What did he say once caught?

JK1773 · 21/05/2017 23:40

Oh goodness, bless you. This is a decision only you can make. To get over it he has to be accepting of your insecurity and mistrust completely and not put any time limits on your recovery. You dont say whether he is. But anyway it's been a year and if you don't feel you can get over this (which is completely within your rights) maybe it's time to go your separate ways. Don't forget he caused this and it's not for you to feel any guilt. Sounds to me like you've tried your very best x

user1486956786 · 21/05/2017 23:42

There will be some people who have been through this who will hopefully comment soon.

But in the meantime I'm sorry you went through this. Anyone would have had a breakdown and feel how you are.

Was he and is very remorseful and upset about what he's done?

user1490142285 · 21/05/2017 23:42

Sorry to hear you're struggling. It sounds like your sense of self-worth has suffered. Lying, withdrawing and gaslighting aren't loving behaviour. He entered into this relationship under his own steam. Have you had counselling? Relate are very good.

dingodon · 21/05/2017 23:49

What is he doing to save your marriage? He lied to you after you had suspicions so did he disclose affair or was he forced to? Only you can know whether it's worth saving but he needs to put in the hard work.

He gave himself an ego boost instead of talking to you, what if he needs another ego boost? What steps did you take to show him you are worth more than the absolutely fucking shabby way he has treated you and lied to you? For me this would be a deal breaker.

Start making a life for yourself, look after your own interests.

Original poster
Gizmo78 · 21/05/2017 23:51

Yes we had councilling, it didn't work we just got more resentful in the discussions . He's very remorseful and trying so hard but I hurt so much and I can't seem to get over it . It's on my mind every day in some way . I felt I gave him every thing and it wasn't enough he still was weak and choose her .

OP posts:
Original poster
Gizmo78 · 21/05/2017 23:55

He has said he's going to devote his life to making it right but he did it all under my nose , in my bed and she pretended to be my friend so I would include her in our life and he allowed it, I felt such a fool . She's since moved on and in another relationship but I'm still devastated .

OP posts:
Original poster
Gizmo78 · 21/05/2017 23:58

He lied when I found out about everything until he couldn't lie any more , then he only ever told me the truth when he had no choice so I found the whole story out over a month or so and each new thing I found out hurt me more and more

OP posts:
JK1773 · 21/05/2017 23:58

Maybe you're answering your own question OP. As desperately sad as it is maybe you simply just cannot get over this. That would not be your fault one bit. I don't think I could get over it, although I totally respect those that can work through it. He's done this to you. I hope you're ok x

barrygetamoveonplease · 22/05/2017 00:00

Kick him out. First, get a really good divorce solicitor and get your ducks in a row. You've stuck with it a year, put the next few weeks into sorting things so you can have a comfortable future.

Usually I remind people that all the good times they had with their partners were real and true, it wasn't a lie, they are still valid. But he brought her into your life, she made out to be your friend, he had her in your bed. The insult to you is even greater than the hurt you feel.

He doesn't deserve you. Ensure that when he goes, he takes as little as possible with him.

user1486956786 · 22/05/2017 00:01

Is it possible for you to live apart for a while? Must be so hard dealing with this and your thoughts whilst still being around him every day.

I think space would help you get a clearer head definitely

Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 00:05

I kicked him out for 3 months but then I stressed about what he was doing on his own, I didn't want him with her

OP posts:
dingodon · 22/05/2017 00:05

Gizmo78 I can't tell you what to do in terms of your marriage only you can decide that, I know I personally couldn't continue based on what you have said.

In your op you say your marriage was the most impt thing in your life maybe it's time to prioritise yourself what you need and want. I would recommend getting individual counselling for yourself.

Would he have ever stopped if you had not found out? Using your home, including her in your life that's just so cruel no wonder you can't get past it!

Maybe he needs a fucking shock? Kick him out and tell him to do all the hard work seeing as he is the one who has caused this.

thatdearoctopus · 22/05/2017 00:08

I'm afraid I can't see how you can possibly mend this.

He betrayed you in all the worst ways there are. A drunken one-night stand is hard enough to forgive and forget, but this?

dingodon · 22/05/2017 00:08

I just saw your last post he isn't a prize worth keeping! You can do better maybe it's about time he realised.

You really need to find a life outside this marriage otherwise this will become all consuming.

Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 00:12

No he wouldn't have stopped if I hadn't found out and that hurt more than anything , they was already planning the next weekend to spend in my bed when I was going away . Every week he bought her into my home and even with us to social events with all my family , friends and work colleagues . The problem is he's spent a year trying to put things right and says what more can I do I try every single day . He's totally over her but I'm not

OP posts:
Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 00:14

I know you are right but I've spent every day for more than 30 years being so in love with this man it's so hard to walk away

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 22/05/2017 00:16

The counselling you had was probably too soon, when it was all so new and raw. I wonder whether you shouldn't have some counselling by yourself now to talk through how you are feeling?

dingodon · 22/05/2017 00:17

He can't put a timeframe as to when you will recover from having sex with another woman, having sex in your marital bed, bringing her into your family and friends life and lying to you.

I cannot see how you would recover from this as someone upthread said a one night stand is bad enough but this!

AnyFucker · 22/05/2017 00:18

What is there to save ?

In your shoes I would go my own way and leave him behind. No man is worse this. No man.

AnyFucker · 22/05/2017 00:18

*worth

Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 00:19

Maybe councilling now could help , I'm on anxiety tablets just to get through the day but from the outside you would think I'm a strong person but my confidence is in bits

OP posts:
Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 00:25

He says he's only made 1 mistake in over 30 years before that he was the perfect husband and he was but it was such a massive mistake I can't move past it

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/05/2017 00:29

Mistake ?

What he did was not a mistake.

It was a series of calculated manoevres to shag someone else and deceive you.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 22/05/2017 00:39

I haven't been in your position but I have friends who have. One managed to forgive her husband who had been having an affair with one of their friends for several years. It did take her a long time and I'm not sure she fully trusts him even now.

Other friends have found our about their husbands affairs and been devestated
They have not been able to forgive. And why should they? Their husbands hsve done something unforgivable.

Your husband sounds as though he has behaved appallingly and has been has lighting you, made you query your mental state, abused your trust in him. Having sex in your marital bed? Introducing his OW to friends and family in front of you?

If I were in your shoes I would be querying why I wanted to save a marriage to someone who could treat me like this.