Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to save my marriage after my husbands affair

118 replies

Gizmo78 · 21/05/2017 23:35

It's nearly a year since I found out my husband had been unfaithful and although we are trying to save our marriage some days I just don't know if we are doing the right thing.
We've been together since we were teenagers , and every one says we have the strongest marriage they've ever seen , always been great friends as well as lovers but a year ago he had an affair that had been going on for 10 months. During that time nothing changed in our marriage he still treat me amazing , loved me the same but sneaked off when I was working to see her and lied to me about everything when I questioned him. I just don't feel I really know him ,. I has a breakdown as a result of this during the time I suspected he was having an affair an he convinced me it was all in my head and I must be going through the menapause( I'm not by the way)
I know she was an ego boost for him being nearly 20 years younger but I can't excuse how weak he was to not walk away. He had no intention of leaving me for her she just made him feel good but I'm left in pieces.
Every thing he says I question in my head , I know my marriage will never be the same and I know I will never feel the same about him so is it worth me trying to salvage my marriage.im so confused my marriage has always been the most important thing in my life and now I'm just devastated

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 22/05/2017 15:06

Come on OP! He allowed or even encouraged you to think you were losing your mind or starting the menopause early! He watched you have a breakdown.

I don't know who you thought you were married to, but this guy is NOT on your side. As others have said, this was not "one mistake," but hundreds of calculated deceptions and lies, designed to humiliate you.
Just what is he doing to try to make amends, and how long before he tells you you need to draw a line under it all and move on? In other words, STFU?

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 15:20

I know you are right but I've spent every day for more than 30 years being so in love with this man it's so hard to walk away

OP, I'm almost 60. I met my husband when I was 18 and married him at 18. We seperated 4 years ago due to his antics but I should have done it a year earlier. There are so many good posts on this thread that I don't need to explain my story to you in order to help you see your reality so I'll just say read the thread over and over again.

Four years on I'm ok. I have a different life to the one I thought I'd have at this age, and to be honest my old life will always be a huge part of me given how long it was my life, but I can honestly say I'm happy.

Have I stopped loving my husband after what he did? No, I haven't and I never will. But it doesn't mean to say I like him or want him back. His love is not a good love, it does me harm. It's not better than nothing. I don't want it or need it.

You deserve better than what you are living even though making a change in your situation will be terrifying.

NellieFiveBellies · 22/05/2017 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 16:51

That's the biggest thing I put this man on a pedestal , everyone looked up to him as the perfect husband and father and he turned into everything he used to say he dispised in other men.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 17:03

Thank you so much for your advice, it hurts me just to think of a life without him but everyone is right he did choose every day of the affair that she was his priority , everyday for 10 months he woke up and decided to carry on deceiving me and he knew full well it would kill me and he still did it. He sat in the doctors with me whilst I cried to the doctor that I thought he was having an affair and he barefaced said to the doctor he thought it was in my head because I was menapausal.

OP posts:
stabbypokey · 22/05/2017 17:03

He sounds pretty sure of himself to take such risks. Seems like this might not be his first 'mistake'.

NellieFiveBellies · 22/05/2017 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 17:06

It does I just feel like I'm dying a bit more each day. I smile and pretend things are normal just to get me through another day

OP posts:
Shayelle · 22/05/2017 17:07

No wise words except you should get this evil bastard - and he is fucking EVIL - out of your life, sending bigs hugs to you and strength and healing, it sounds like hell what youre going through, think you have to be your own best friend and get away from the wanker and start a new life and start to heal. Get your life back... Flowers for you xx

Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 17:08

Years ago I felt uneasy about another woman but he swore he never got involved with her but he has lied to me a million times over this affair that I have no idea now

OP posts:
Adora10 · 22/05/2017 17:08

Bloody awful, the one person who you think has your back colludes to make you think you are having a breakdown or menopausal.

Honestly OP, is he worth the angst. You will never forgive him, not just the affair but how he has subsequently treated you and I don't blame you one bit.

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 17:16

Years ago I felt uneasy about another woman

I suspect your instincts were correct.

Do you have family around you to help you through this?

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 17:21

Do you have family around you to help you through this?

Sorry, posted too soon. I couldnt have managed without my family even though I constantly reminded myself - you are the mother. Anyway, I eventually made my move after my children said to me this is killing us and you now have to decide whether to find a way to live with it, or you have to find a way to get out - and if you want out we are telling you to hold our hand and jump.

Its been a really long hard road with many a twist and turn but me and my children have gotten there in the end.

Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 17:24

Yes I have an amazing family and lots of lovely friends who are the reason I'm still here, our children still won't talk to him over his treatment of me so he destroyed our tight family unit as well which cuts me up , they won't come home to visit me anymore because of him I have to go to meet them elsewhere .
I know everyone is right and staying in my marriage isn't good for my mental health when I'm slowly dying each day

OP posts:
IrianOfW · 22/05/2017 17:26

Get some individual counselling to help you find a way forward. I did this, months before we both went to MC, and it brought clarity and strength. You will be in a better place to make the right decisions.

cestlavielife · 22/05/2017 17:30

Please see a counsellor or therapist for yourself.
See if there is a divorced and separated specialist group near you.

Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 17:31

We also run a business from home and he took her on as a client and she came to my house every single week for her appointment whilst I was out working and they had sex in my home each time.i found out later they colluded and pretended she was a client so he could have an excuse to bring her into my home each week .

OP posts:
MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 17:34

Gizmo, calling a day on things wont make it better overnight, it wont even make it better sooner rather than later. It will take time but every day you can get through will be one day closer to a life where you will be happy.

You must still be quite young and part of my reason for separating was the fact I wanted time to be able to make new memories. I didnt want to get to 70 and be sitting and only thinking about what had gone on. I wanted to be able to think about other things and to have a happy old age with lots of lovely things to look back on. I was never going to get that in my marriage so i went out and got it for myself. Am I interested in a new relationship? No, not at all. I have absolutely no interest in sharing my life with anyone. Im very happy sharing it with me.

Adora10 · 22/05/2017 17:36

Dear God Gizmo I wish you the strength to leave this waste of space, he does not love you, I am sorry, find someone who can love you just as much as you can love them, it's not him anymore.

I'd also urge you to go get individual counselling to help you make that break.

Original poster
Gizmo78 · 22/05/2017 17:39

Thank you so much everyone for your advice , I think I need to go and get councilling on my own now and start making plans to move forward on my own .

OP posts:
magoria · 22/05/2017 17:45

The only mistake he made was getting caught.

Everything else was a deliberate act of deceit to get what he wanted.

As you say yourself, if he hadn't got found out it would still be going on.

He didn't care in the slightest about you. He lied and lied and lied to you. Even when he could see what it was doing to you he continued to lie and say you were imagining it.

The only person he is sorry for is himself.

MartinaMartini · 22/05/2017 17:50

So sorry for what he's put you through. What a calculated lying bastard. I agree with others above.... It's okay for you to put your hands up and say it's too much too get over and walk away. Maybe counselling for you will help rebuild your self worth. No one should be expected to "get over" all that shit....fucking her in your bed and not to mention the lies and gaslighting. He tried to convince you you were losing the plot!!

Don't forget that you're the prize - not him! Rescue yourself and don't let him be your happy ever after. He had his chance.

DarthMaiden · 22/05/2017 17:54

Wow - that's a hell of a lot to be asked to forgive.

I'm not surprised you are struggling.

From what you've written I suspect, despite kicking him out for 3 months, that you allowed him back too soon.

Perhaps with more distance and time you may have come to a different decision.

Couples can survive infidelity, but the red flags here for me is the level of deception to keep her in your social orbit. Hiding in plain sight. Sleeping in your home. The ruthless nature of the way the affair was conducted, would be harder for me to bear than the infidelity iyswim.

He says he'll spend his life making it up to you. Well as a start, if I were you I'd tell him to leave again. You need some space and distance.

Get some counselling and allow yourself unfettered access to your children by virtue of him not being there. See how you feel now without him. You may very well find the pain of realising the relationship is over is far less than that you are experiencing now.Flowers

Dozer · 22/05/2017 17:54

As a couple of PPs suggest, I'd bet money that he cheated before.

Even he hadn't, what he did would be unforgiveable for many.

LTB.

MrsPeelyWaly · 22/05/2017 17:56

You may very well find the pain of realising the relationship is over is far less than that you are experiencing now.flowers

I agree. I also think its possible the OP may find she's been ready for this for a long time but just didnt realise it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread