Trying to save my marriage after my husbands affair

[Gizmo78]

It's nearly a year since I found out my husband had been unfaithful and although we are trying to save our marriage some days I just don't know if we are doing the right thing.
We've been together since we were teenagers , and every one says we have the strongest marriage they've ever seen , always been great friends as well as lovers but a year ago he had an affair that had been going on for 10 months. During that time nothing changed in our marriage he still treat me amazing , loved me the same but sneaked off when I was working to see her and lied to me about everything when I questioned him. I just don't feel I really know him ,. I has a breakdown as a result of this during the time I suspected he was having an affair an he convinced me it was all in my head and I must be going through the menapause( I'm not by the way)
I know she was an ego boost for him being nearly 20 years younger but I can't excuse how weak he was to not walk away. He had no intention of leaving me for her she just made him feel good but I'm left in pieces.
Every thing he says I question in my head , I know my marriage will never be the same and I know I will never feel the same about him so is it worth me trying to salvage my marriage.im so confused my marriage has always been the most important thing in my life and now I'm just devastated

He's given you a life sentence. It's so unfair, he did this to you, intentionally, and then he "gets over it" and you are just expected to as well, because it suits him.

He didn't only make one mistake.

He made a mistake every single day for 10 months. Every single time he choose to lie to you to plan with her and be intimate with her he was making additional mistakes. Every single day he didn't put a stop to it and made a decision not to come clean about it he was abusing your trust in him.

He needs to understand that in order to even attempt to repair the damage his repeated behaviour has caused.

That's exactly how I feel that they are both over it but I still suffer every day

That's totally true , he deceived me every day even on holiday he was messaging her every minute

I was in this position, I could not get over the lying and deceit.

It hurt like hell but we split which ultimately was the best thing to do.

I still love him but there is no going back for me, under any circumstances.

I think counselling is absolutely the right thing for you just now, you need to unravel your feelings with someone neutral so you can make your decision with a clear head.

I can feel from your post how hurt and confused you are and it's impossible to figure out what you should do when you're in that much pain. Concentrate on yourself for now, the stronger you are the better chance you have of making the decision that's right for you

I can't excuse how weak he was not to walk away

Be what you wanted him to be, be strong, walk away, you are better than him and you can do it, you are not weak

A 10 month affair with your friend and in your bed is not "one mistake", what a prick

I think you're going to continue to suffer every day that you stay with him. He deliberately deceived you every day for 10 months, would still be doing it if he hadn't got caught. Not because you were making his life miserable in a hellish marriage, but simply because he enjoyed the attention, and could get away with it. Nothing you have said indicates that he is showing real remorse, there's no reason why he wouldn't do it again. And you might not find out next time. If you are in a position to leave, I would. You will continue to be unhappy staying with a lying cheat.

It might be helpful to express it all in more active terms. The words you use to describe what he did ('allow', 'weak' and 'mistake') sound very passive but in fact what he did was pursue a sexual affair with another active person. This is not something that happened to you both like a landslide or earthquake, it was a choice he made every day. I think it will be hard for either of you to find your respective places in this relationship until you both see that. I think just being together is not going to get you very far while you're still so hurt.

May I ask why the counselling fell through? Usually you find some sort of resolution and plan for the future. It may not save your relationship (for me going to Relate helped clarify that I could not stay in my relationship and I decided to end it) but it doesn't usually get worse and worse and just end without some conclusions being reached. Did either of you just decide to stop going? It seems like you're stuck in a very bad place and can't go forward or back.

I've been here. I couldn't get past it either. Almost a year to the day of finding out, I ended the marriage. I couldn't get over what he had done. In that year between finding out and ending it, I felt trapped and thoroughly miserable and then one day I realised I wasnt trapped at all and that life didn't have to be like that and in fact, I was free to end the torture that I was going through, so I did. It's like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I wonder if you are getting to that stage now? PM me if you want to talk

I wonder if it might help if you made the decision to end it, just because it would be you taking charge of the situation and being in control of your own life again.

It might be that one of the very upsetting elements of this is the fact that all this has been inflicted on you, and you've had no say in anything while this selfish pair have done whatever they want.

Individual counselling may help you think this through a bit more.

There are some quite alarming things that jump out at me.

OW wasn't already known to you but he made sure she was. He even introduced her to your family? She tried to become a 'friend'.

They used your bed? What's wrong with her bed? Or an hotel?

He didn't alter towards you? Most cheaters start being vile to their wives in a fucked up attempt at causing a sense of 'blame' to counteract their guilt. He then gaslights you saying you're menopausal.

All this seems pretty nasty, actually. Almost like a big part of the thrill for him was getting one over on you. He was shitting where he eats!!

This was not one mistake and he is not the man you thought he was.

Op, I understand how you feel, unfortunately. So we are not alone. Some days I am really strong, positive and assertive and others an insecure wreck, pinning for what I thought we had. I don't think a year is long at all to get over the emotional trauma of this. You are normal and there is no quick solution, even ending things is terrifying because it's not an option you prepared yourself all these years for.

It wasn't a single occasion (which would be bad enough), it was 300-odd times over the 10 months, that in my opinion is unforgivable, let alone them being in your bed, and her being a 'friend'.
He's only remorseful because you caught him out, it would still be continuing if you hadn't caught the deceitful, cheating liar.
I can't see how you can stay with him, you'll never trust him again because there will always be reminders of their relationship everytime you look at him.
💐

AF is right I think for your our own sanity you need to walk away. I know how hard it is I've been cheated on blissfully unaware and it's earth shattering when it comes to a head and everything comes out. However I'm so glad I'm not in that relationship and so much happier with dh.

Things to remember which I think why your struggling to forgive.

• he welcome her into your group, family occassions and social life. OW pretended to be your friend. He most likely encouraged this.

• the affair was calculated around when you were away in your martial bed for a 10months.

• He didn't choose to stop it, simply got caught. He would have continued the affair had he not been caught.

• He was manipulating gas lighting you.

• It's highly possible he will

go on to have another affair once the dusts settles.

What have got to ask is what do you get from this relationship as it is now? His behaviour over the 10months period isn't that of a loving committed husband..

This is more than he had his head turned and fell "in love"

Sounds to he like we was just greedy. Wanted you for the comfort and security you bring to his life and her for the sex.

I couldn't forgive that. It's calculated and what followed is just horrible. Using your bed and integrating her into your life is just unforgivable.

You need to bring this to an end or you will suffer like this forever

What a liar....manipulative, deceiving piece of shit.

I'd be terrified of attempting to stay with someone who was capable of going to such lengths to deceive me.

what he did was pursue a sexual affair with another active person. This is not something that happened to you both like a landslide or earthquake, it was a choice he made every day

This. I was in a LTR that survived infidelity, but that was a drunken shag. I could forgive ex-DP for that, but I could never have forgiven a sustained deliberate lie. Or using the marital bed. Or trying to gaslight you when you suspected.

Everybody is different. Some people see affairs as almost to be expected, others think that sexting alone is a deal-breaker. But, OP, you don't sound able to move on and as if you are forcing yourself to try to do so. Why? He has betrayed you terribly. If you can't forgive, that is very natural and you shouldn't feel that you have to make yourself

One mistake?

It was a sustained effort to fool/deceive you. Right under your nose, both lying to your face, having sex with her in your marital bed.

He didn't make a mistake. This involved thought, effort and planning. He knew exactly what he was doing throughout. For me this would be unforgiveable.

What is he doing to regain your trust?

He also continued the lying when you started to find out trying to convince you you were menopausal. To be completely honest he sounds like he's treated you like shit. He can't possibly love you? He doesn't deserve you.

I have no advice with regards to how to get over it because for me the sustained lying and betrayal would be insurmountable. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

This man behaved normally towards you during his disgusting affair so how would you ever know if he was unfaithful again?

He is an expert at compartmentalising, he watched you have a breakdown and blamed the menopause. He deliberately humiliated you even though you didn't know it and he didn't have to, but why?

That's not love in any form that I can understand.

I recently started a new exercise class. There was a totally ace woman there who started chatting to me, she was 77 and enjoyed telling me she was easily old enough to be my Mum.

We talked for a while she had been married at 21 and her DH was 80. She also told me he had had an affair when their dc were small. It haunts her to this day.

I actually think the fact that he made out it was all in your head is somehow worse. He gaslighted you and he made you mentally ill. I'm not always a straight LTB after people have been unfaithful but you need to.

He says he's only made 1 mistake in over 30 years

One mistake? He made 11 months of 'mistakes' every day - he deliberately lied to you every day, every hour, for 11 months, then lied and lied again when you found him out.

That's not 'one mistake'. He's minimising.

OP, can you move past this? I couldn't.

An affair is bad, but in your own bed that is even more disrespectful. To flaunt her under your nose whilst he's shagging Harris disgraceful. Also, you only have his word that she was the only one he's been unfaithful with during your marriage. I wouldn't be so sure. Seems quite risky behaviour for an inexperienced cheater.

Harris? 'is'