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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trying to save my marriage after my husbands affair

118 replies

Gizmo78 · 21/05/2017 23:35

It's nearly a year since I found out my husband had been unfaithful and although we are trying to save our marriage some days I just don't know if we are doing the right thing.
We've been together since we were teenagers , and every one says we have the strongest marriage they've ever seen , always been great friends as well as lovers but a year ago he had an affair that had been going on for 10 months. During that time nothing changed in our marriage he still treat me amazing , loved me the same but sneaked off when I was working to see her and lied to me about everything when I questioned him. I just don't feel I really know him ,. I has a breakdown as a result of this during the time I suspected he was having an affair an he convinced me it was all in my head and I must be going through the menapause( I'm not by the way)
I know she was an ego boost for him being nearly 20 years younger but I can't excuse how weak he was to not walk away. He had no intention of leaving me for her she just made him feel good but I'm left in pieces.
Every thing he says I question in my head , I know my marriage will never be the same and I know I will never feel the same about him so is it worth me trying to salvage my marriage.im so confused my marriage has always been the most important thing in my life and now I'm just devastated

OP posts:

MickeyRooney · 22/05/2017 17:57

yep - i'd call it a day and proceed to divorce. i'd never, ever get over this.

AnyFucker · 22/05/2017 18:06

Let me get this right

You chose to take this man back over seeing your children in your own home whenever you like ?

Seriously ?

HopeYourCakeIsShit · 22/05/2017 18:13

The more you write, the worse it gets.
He sat in at the GP lying so you thought you were going mad?
I could never forgive that.

NellieFiveBellies · 22/05/2017 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patchouli666 · 22/05/2017 18:19

You won't be moving forward on your own though. You will have a free and unrestricted relationship with your children. And I don't know if you are a grandparent yet but either now or in the future with your grandchildren too. You are so much more than him. He is one part of your life. You are strong and you can move on from him and blossom

Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/05/2017 18:29

I'm sorry but this man doesn't love or respect you. I know its hard and you are hurt, but really, how can you ever build a life with this man

He has shown you who he is, I would boot his arse right out the door

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/05/2017 18:51

I'm so sorry about what you're going through, Gizmo; you could literally be me, even down to the 30+ years, the timescale of the affair and the nature of the betrayal

I can't improve on the excellent advice you've had, except to mention that even now you certainly won't know the entirety of this; but then I'm sure you know that. I also suspect, since he's so good at keeping up appearances while betraying you, that he may well be doing this still - which will get blamed on you of course, because he'll say he "honestly tried" for a year and he's done enough

From experience I know you're doing exactly the right thing in getting counselling just for yourself, but while getting it please remember one thing above all others ... whatever justification they give and whatever they try to say once found out, decent men do not behave like this

Whatalready · 22/05/2017 19:14

I can't add anything. Just sending you a hug xx

tomatoplantproject · 22/05/2017 19:49

I've just read your thread.

The things which stand out to me are that you let him back in after 3 months because you couldn't trust him when he wasn't at home - was he doing everything in his power to show you that you could trust him, or forcing you to do the pick me dance? The cheating and the distrust were still there and you hadn't had the time and space to do the things you needed to do to heal yourself and make your own decisions because you were still in crisis mode when he wormed his way back in. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well but this alone is a red flag.

He then allowed you to believe that you were going crazy because of the menopause, not that he was making you go mad with his lying and cheating. What kind of person does that?

The barefaced lies, for hours days weeks and months on end. The energy that he put into his sordid affair and hiding it from you. Think what he could have done instead - the work around the house, cooking something nice for you, learning a new skill, you get the picture. Instead he connived, and schemed, and lied time after time.

I'm so sorry but I'm with the others. LTB and create new and happy memories with your children. They sound like they have the measure of your 'D'H.

Mellifera · 22/05/2017 19:54

This wasn't his first affair. The calculated cruel way suggests he's had more before.
OP don't let this man ruin the rest of your life. You will be ok on your own.
He's not got your best interests at heart.

The more you write the more awful he sounds. The scene at the doctors is beyond belief. He's a master gaslighter. What else has he got away with? I wonder why on earth you took him back.
Your children are right, they don't want to spend another minute in his company, why do you?

He will drain you of all energy and leave you with zero self respect. Yes, you love him, but he doesn't love you and you need to be loved or on your own.

Sending lots of strength. Counsellor sounds an excellent idea, find one really fast and get your ducks in a row.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 22/05/2017 20:20

Lord have mercy. This is one of the worst things I've read on mumsnet since joining 7 years ago. Op my husband brought another woman into my home and my bed. Then lied about it. When I found out he was dumped immediately but that was a short marriage. I totally understand why you've struggled through to keep your long marriage together. But this is too much for anyone to bear . And now your children can't come back to their family home. This man is evil. This isn't love. Please start afresh. Get away for the good of your mental health. What would you advise your daughter if this was her op???

SandyY2K · 22/05/2017 21:12

Him gaslighting you, introducing her to you, having her in your bed and her being brought to family events, are more than enough reasons to walk away from this marriage.

Affairs are disrespectful enough, without all the extra crap he put you through.

Him calling it one mistake would send me absolutely crazy. That's what we call minimising.

Can you see him forgiving you, if you did this to him?

I'm all for forgiving, but not when you've been treated quite as badly as this.

Do you want to spend the rest of your days like this?

SandyY2K · 22/05/2017 21:31

As much as your children love you, I suspect they're struggling to understand why you'd stay with him and might even be loosing or have lost respect for you over this.

I doubt they'd come to you with relationship problems, because it doesn't look like your advice would be for them to end it, based on your current actions.

There needs to be a deal breaker in every relationship... What would he have to do for you to call time on the marriage?

Like others, I don't believe that this is his first affair at all. He was so cheap, he couldn't get a hotel, instead of your bed.

I hope you've got a new bed since then.

Sometimes you have to realise when the person you love, doesn't love you back. He cannot love you and see you going through a breakdown and lie to the doctor. That's pure evil.

Start seeing him for what he is. He's not your average cheater by a long shot.

Helly12 · 22/05/2017 21:37

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was in exactly the same situation 6 years ago, he was a brilliant husband until the affair which he deeply regretted. Unfortunately after 18 months I decided I just couldn't live with what he had done and left him. I didn't want to spend every day for the rest of my life feeling the way I did. It was the best thing I did, I had self respect back and could move on. I have met a lovely man since and and very happy. Only you can decide what's right for you, some people do manage to get trust back but not everyone can. Good luck

PollytheDolly · 22/05/2017 21:39

Thank you so much everyone for your advice , I think I need to go and get councilling on my own now and start making plans to move forward on my own .

Good plans OP. All the best to you x

Ship0fFools · 22/05/2017 21:43

This is awful.
I'm so sorry

Tinseleverywhere · 22/05/2017 21:46

The fact that you got back together but the kids still won't see him a year later says a lot.

MrsPeelyWaly · 23/05/2017 02:10

OP, I've been thinking of you and I just want to remind you of this old saying -

A husband can get another wife but a child can never get another mother.

Don't do this to them. Show your husband the door and get all the kids over for a big Sunday dinner.

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