Why does he do this?

[hadabellyfull]

Does anyone's else's partner do this?

If I don't wake up and hug him (or have sex) or kiss him and I get straight up to do chores like peg out washing, and tidy up, does anyone else's DH stomp around slam around and not speak to you? He threw his laptop into the kitchen table this morning. Slammed the bathroom door and hasn't spoken to me since I got up. My anxiety is beating away in my chest!

Tbf we haven't had sex for a while, but he swore on my sons life last week that he didn't want to be with me anymore cos I had a moan about his moody behaviour, and I can't forgive him for it... it's all a mess but he's really getting me down and I don't think I like him anymore

I did keep the remote and I didn't hand it back. I did watch what I recorded that I wanted to tonight cos I've had enough, and he walked out and said see you later. It just upsets me that it has to be like this cos I wanted to watch something.

It's called gaslighting OP. The abuser turning it all on the victim. The more you say,the more textbook he becomes.

If I go to work and I said that a man laughed at my hair (cos I recently had a toner on it and it went blue) a man called me a smurf.

I told my H and he reacted by saying 'oh he was flirting was he'
I said 'no he was just taking the piss'

If I'm going out with the girls (which I hardly ever do and get severe anxiety about doing because of how he behaves) he never compliments me when Im ready unlike my friends husbands who do my friends... he waits up for me which drives me mad and he says he will wait up, which restricts the time I can come in at... once I came in at 2 and he fell out with me but we all went for a curry after.

I went to Birmingham on a girls night down the strip there and we stayed over and he went off on one cos the area I went to was full of slags apparently...

Bog standard abusive husband.

Oh god...

I hate seeing threads like this, if he is driving you insane you need to leave, it's not good on your mental health.

What Drive Emotional Abuse and How to Recover

Feeling rejected can make people lash out and get grumpy but...

FFS, once a week is not bad for DTD. I would love more than that all the time but I would also love to win the euromillions. Sometimes it's just not possible.

Staying out till 2 am. So what. I stay up and wait for my wife because I want to know she's safe not so she has to be in at a certain time and would row if she was late.

I would be irked if she'd said midnight and rolled in at 2 without a text to let me know she's okay but she gets annoyed when I tell her I'm having a last pint and am just about to leave the ruby club and turn up two hours later (yes, I have been that twat before)

He may well be a good guy in many ways but he is not a good husband ATM and risks being a poor father.

You not being with him may be something that protects his relationship with his son not turn his son against him.

Your DH may be staying only because of your son meaning the worst side, the bullying side of him comes out with you.

It may be that by making it clear the problems are about you and H, not H and son, you get a better break.

Your relationship may be unsalvageable, don't let the father/son relationship suffer the same fate and don't let your son become part of the bullying too.

Your H may need to be separate from you to be a good father. He may need to be with someone else to be a good partner.

You need to be happy and unafraid

Rugby club not ruby club.

Goddamned autocorrect, I am a manly rugby player - okay ex player - not a stereotype 70s comedian or drag act

Thanks for you reply.

You might be right cos sometimes I do feel like we are trying to constantly fit a square peg in a round hole when it comes to us, I don't think it should be this much work after all these years to get on with someone. He might feel like that about me too.

His relationship with his son is being damaged by his unfriendliness and my son feels he is unapproachable. For example, my son attends football three times a week. Most of the time we go together and watch but some of the time my H doesn't get back from work in time (which really can't be helped) but my son will say 'is dad coming?' I say 'no he's not back yet' and my son replied 'yay!' That is not normal, I do pull my son up on it and say 'that's not very nice, and don't say that about your dad' but he just looks at me. My H comes home, my son goes up stairs, my H goes out my son comes down. I've tried to ask why, he just said that I am more fun.

I do feel really upset about it all, I wish it were different but it's not and I can't get through to him to make him see. He has older children and they all call him grumpy too!! It's such a shame.

He does have a really stressful job. And I know it takes its toll on him, but so do I, being self employed I have the worry of finding my own work and that's really hard and stressful but I manage without being horrible to everyone.

Perhaps he would be happier without me too.

my partner said the same about his step dad, from the age of 5 till he was about 15 his step dad was someone to hide from. He's said exactly what you said in your last post - when his step dad when out, he would come down stairs, when he came back he would hide in his room. His step dad never hit him, it was all emotional and mental abuse. My partner is 32 now and just last night told me all he feels is sadness. He has low self esteem in all areas, as a man, a father. Even though he is loved greatly by his children and I. He is deeply troubled by his past and desperately needs counselling to get over it.

*went out not when out..

I work long hours and am self employed so I understand the affect this can have on a relationship dynamic with DC and DP.

I would hate to know my DC would say 'yay' if I wasn't able to go to something or that they were avoiding the area when I am around.

I don't believe anyone is genuinely happy being grumpy all the time and often use it as a defence mechanism.

I can't see that he is happy. No one is happy making others unhappy, it might give him a sense of control because it shows you 'care' about the relationship but the only positive in that is he gets to be with his son, in his house, keeps his earnings or whatever other meaningless crap he is worried about losing.

Knowing how his relationship with his son may be improved/protected could mean he is comfortable with a break up.

He may even start to be more focussed on making his time with his son enjoyable for both knowing his own time is protected

I know MN would refer to this as Disney Dad and how it is a negative in an ex's relationship with DC, but I really think this is better for the DC than Grumpy Dad etc and MN sometimes loses the context that fathers love their kids too and feel the seperatiin deeply.

Disney dad can be about making the best of what time you have with dc not consciously undermining the ex.

I think your DS will be better off with Mr Grumpy's version of Disney Dad.

FWIW, the grumpiest man I know is happiest on his own with occasional relationships. It allows him to get what he wants without being grumpy with others and he admits it. He is however a great father and really supportive of his ex - financially, emotionally etc. I don't think it is a side him of them would have see had they stayed together

The problem I have is when I approach us splitting up he then starts telling me how he has nothing to live for and he can't cope and he can't lose me... then I feel guilty.

If he would just leave and we take it from there it may work cos is living with him that sends me loopy and maybe if he didn't live here he would make more effort to enjoy the time we get instead of taking it for granted and pissing us off.

I am such a happy go lucky person, I love socialising and I also love time with my son and him when he's happy. I just want to enjoy life and enjoy his company!

I agree that he would he a better part time dad cos my son would prob gain some quality fun time with him. I feel like my husband doesn't give him much attention cos he wants to give it to me all the time, he seems to crave attention from me all the time too, it's unhealthy

So you want your H to agree to you splitting up ? Or leave first. Because you don't want to be the one who ends it. Is that right ?

The problem I have is when I approach us splitting up he then starts telling me how he has nothing to live for and he can't cope and he can't lose me... then I feel guilty. That is another tactic used by abusers, op.

Your son has made up his own mind, he is unhappy around his father. That's not fair on a kid to live in that environment.

OP: my ex used to do this. He used to test my feelings for him to see if I would initiate sex. I used to, we used to have sex 3-4 times a week. But sometimes I needed to get up, wasn't in the mood etc and he would "punish" me for it by being moody. That and a lot of other control tactics. Nothing was right, nothing ever good enough. I ended up kind of making myself make a move on him and it took all naturalness out of our relationship. he was insecure and paranoid a lot of the time. I had almost permanent anxiety the last three years of our relationship as I never knew what mood he would be in in the morning. Its a passion killer.

I left him 3 months ago. I am a big believer now that although you have to work at a relationship (we were together 21 years) it shouldn't be a constant struggle, and it certainly shouldn't mean you walk on egg shells all the time.

The biggest thing for me since I left is guilt, that I have hurt him, despite the fact he has hurt me almost daily in the last 3 years. You will know what you need to do when the time is right, start working through all your doubts. If you want to try, give it 100%, if you can't or don't then start putting things in place and think about leaving.

A great book to read is by Lundy Bancroft "should I stay or should I go". i imagine a lot will resonate with you. Good luck.

Why on earth would he leave you?

Who else would out up with his shit? He has it made. He'll never leave you. He'd be mad to. He'd have to start training someone else to be obedient to him. Fuck that.

No, you have to be the one to end it. He has zero motivation to.

Call Women's Aid and see what what the practicalities are.

And start thinking ONLY of your son. Your only duty is to him and his comfort in his own home. Right now he avoids his Dad as much as possible which means he has to alter his comfort in his own home. If it was just the two of you your son would be able to sit wherever he wanted, without tension .

Coral yeah maybe I am a bit scared of being the one who instigates splitting up.

Pudding: wow the situation is almost identical. I suppose I'm just scared of being alone, stupid reason isn't it. Scared of change... even tho I know the change would probably be for the better.

I really do need to have a word with myself and I intend to put a plan together in order to leave.

I need to put my son first I know I do. It's still scary though. I will contact women's aid as even though you all tell me I'm in an abusive relationship I still have doubts!! Why? I don't know!!!! My dad was also a grump and his dad and my ex was before my H. Maybe it's me? I just don't know x

There's a book for you OP, that's almost that title of your thread:

Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft

'Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'.

DP used to be a bit like this, would be a bit grumpy if I don't cuddle up to him in the morning, but it's because I get straight up with the baby and I am not a morning person at all and after a disturbed nights sleep with him snoring away oblivious I don't feel like cuddling like I did when it was just us. If he stropped like your DP it wouldn't be ok, being disappointed is one thing, being an abusive dick who makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells over a minor annoyance is another. If he wants intimacy then he needs to make your life easier so you actually feel like having a cuddle or more, making you feel like shit is just going to make you withdraw more. Talk to him about how it is making you feel and explain, but I have a feeling that his behaviour is less about the cuddling and more about the fact he is an abuser.

There are plenty of people who can be a grump without being controlling or bullying towards their partner.

One being happy go lucky and the other being more rigid can work, but not if one fears upsetting the other.

I worry about upsetting DW because I want to make her happy, not because I worry about how she will make me feel shit.

We do upset each other but I would hate to think she was afraid of me or could not speak her mind.

I'd like to think that given the knowledge about what something I do does to her, I woukd try to address it - even when it is a small issue to me. If I don't know I can't change it but I would like to think she feels able to tell me.

He may be a good person really but if he is not willing to change or work on things to make you happy - or happier - I am not sure what else you can do.

and to be clear, I do think MN can be quick to call ea, gas lighting etc.

I do read threads where I wonder whether the man knows how their DP feels and should be given a chance to address it.

I do think MN is quick to dismiss a man's need for affection and that does include sex but I am not talking just about sex.

But ...

Not a lot I have read in your posts tells me he is unaware and just one of those who needs to be given a chance to work on things.

Maybe you should check your privilege, Zerofeedback.

Gladly. Which part of it?