Am I imagining it?

[amiimaginingit]

NC
Hi everyone.
A bit of advice or clarity at my situation would be wonderful if possible?

Bit of background:

Partner of 5 years been going for drives alone since baby was born. I've been watching him because he has left the childcare to me, saying he's too tired to go out with us but then going out when we get home. Also noticed a lot of action on whatsapp but denies talking to anyone, saying he has no one but me. My suspicions drove me to check his old dating profile that he never deleted, he'd updated he has a child but nothing else.

Last night I confronted him about this and he has just completely denied it, saying that someone must have messed about with his account, that he doesn't even know his login, that he can't get on, that I am paranoid and finding issues where there are none. He stated he barely goes out (which is true apart from the drives which might be a couple of hours on a Sat and Sun). He said he wouldn't have had a baby with me, he's happy, he has no reason to look elsewhere.

My question is, am I being paranoid? Why would someone hack into his account and only update that he has a child?! My logic says it's all bull but because I love him and am heartbroken I want to believe it's me that's the "controlling" (cos I ask where he's been for a drive) paranoid, unstable woman?

Any clarity greatly appreciated.

He is likely meeting or has met someone else. Cherchez la femme.

Where does he go on the weekends?.

No-one has messed with his account and he does know his login. You've noticed more activity on WhatsApp. Calling you paranoid as well is another red flag. He is really not the man you thought he was, not your fault.

Poor you. It doesn't look good.

Thank you Atilla. I suspected as much but when he turned all the blame on me it threw me. I don't know why but I thought with the dating profile evidence he would admit it; silly me.

Since the talk last night we have left our relationship status in limbo because I didn't know what to do after the things he said. Somehow I feel paranoid and guilty for wanting to split the family up as he is pleading innocence. He is currently trying to be really nice and loving towards me.

Why would someone hack into his account and only update that he has a child?!

Nobody would, which you of course know.

I am sorry this is happening especially as you have a new baby.

Yes he is lying about being hacked etc.

Yes your instincts are likely to be correct - I am sorry.

Can you focus on planning your own life because he is not going to suddenly confess that he is cheating on you - they never do.

Even if he isn't off chasing an OW (and there's certainly evidence that points to it, don't be told you're imagining it!) why is he too tired to do stuff with you then perks up when you return and buggers off out!? That's insulting.

Xpost

They always deny lovey. Mine still denies it despite several reliable witnesses

I don't know where he goes, he says he just drives wherever the mood takes him. Sometimes he will give me a detailed journey but mainly quite vague.

Yeah I am now trying to plan what to do next. It just hurts because not only am I being betrayed and lied to, I am having to end a relationship I didn't want to end and made to feel I'm the one causing it!

I feel concerned about him too though as he said in the past if we split he'd kill himself and he has no friends (supposedly) anymore.

Thank you everybody for your feedback. It's a great comfort to know I'm not bonkers and the signs I see are suspicious and dodgy!

I think the hacking excuse sounds like bullshit too. I've had this same excuse when I found numerous dating site emails.. a hacker must have created the 5 different accurately filled in profiles on 5 different dating/shag sites

Does he still use the email address associated with the dating account? If so do you have access to it?

Yeah, except the friend he's fucking behind your back.
Someone hacked his dating profile?
There's just no logic to that.

It's soul destroying to play detective, so I'm hesitant to suggest this. But I would pop outside on a weekend morning (put the bins out or something) and take a note of the vehicle mileage. If he's gone for 2 hours and covers 120 miles - yeah, he's driving around.
If he's covered 10 miles he's seeing someone local. (although he'd lie and say when he said driving around, he meant "parked up thinking")

Might be worth checking his sat nav. I did that with my XH and googled a recent postcode for a town he hasn't reason to go to - it brought up several businesses including a massage parlour.

TBH - and I know most on here would be horrified and this and say "if the trust is gone..." etc I would put a tracking device in his car.

Threatening to kill themselves is a really really common threat for control - loads of people on here have been on the receiving end of it.

It seems awful to feel you need to check up on people, but he's clearly stringing you a line. You need proof to confront him if he's going to turn it back on you and call you paranoid.

My suggestion would be to check the mileage on his car before he goes out on his solo trips and then again when he gets back. (Take a photo on your phone.) Then ask him where he's been. If he says 'I just drove around randomly for a couple of hours' or 'I went to X' and the mileage says he's only done 10 miles or tells a different story, you'll know he's lying. Maybe do this a couple of times and see if the mileage is roughly the same each time on his so called random drives. If so, he could be going to the same place each time.

Unfortunately, you know he's lying about someone hacking into his account and updating the fact that he has a child because that is clearly bullshit. Sorry OP but it doesn't look good.

Sorry, cross post with Elissandra. I started my post about the same time then got a phone call and came back to post 20 mins later! Great minds.. or rather suspicious minds!

I'm not sure if he still uses the same email but I don't know his password so couldn't look anyway.

If he is on a dating site he would receive regular emails wouldn't he? He could maybe log in that way? Another thought is he's on Badoo, which is now asking for people to verify their accounts as of 2016. I'm not sure if old members are automatically verified but his account has the blue tick and says he verified (sorry for overuse of that word).

Yeah I've been noting the mileage for a while but it's not consistent. Some of the trips seem dodgy like 30 miles in 3 hours but others are quite plausible. Perhaps some are genuine to throw me off the scent.

Ellisandra - the threatening to kill himself to gain control is definitely working.

I also don't want to end something if I am wrong but the dating site is in black and white. I don't know how he can turn it back on me!

Thanks again for all the input. It's helping and I can't help but think he has done a right number on me as I constantly want to believe him and not myself!

Oh love, checking the mileage means you're already living the shit life that I was. It's no fun, is it? Searching for evidence.

Let's be clear - he will deny anything you find, either plausibly or outlandishly. There is no point in searching for evidence to make him admit anything. Only to convince yourself.

One day, you may realise that you don't even need evidence. That it's not OK for him to lie to you - and that's enough. Dumping someone doesn't require cast iron evidence for the The Court of Dumping.

He is opting out of family life and out of supporting you with his 3 hours drives whilst you're with a young baby. Even if he is just driving and not whatsapping anyone, that's not OK!

The variable miles is easily explained... if he's on dating sites it could be low miles when he is meeting someone or parked up sending messages trying to line something up. And just driving when he doesn't have a live fish

I'd start by saying "no, you don't get to fuck off when you should be looking after your child"

Men disgust me sometimes. Not all men of course. But more and more , more and more men disgust me. I'll stop there.

Thank you Ellisandra the Court of Dumping really made me smile

Yeah it's no fun. Maybe that's why I did question some truth in me being paranoid because I have become a little that way from my constant surveillance! Haha.

Yeah the mileage would make sense if he's doing that. Especially as one time he went for a drive, 5 mins after he left he was on whatsapp for 15 full minutes so I guess he was ringing someone? Why leave the house to ring someone??

Oh I forgot to mention in our discussion last night he said he would stop going for a drive. He'll just stop at home with me. Made me out to be his jailer in a way.

Why indeed?

I really feel for you.

In my (now over!) marriage the convo might go like this:

• you weren't driving, you were on WhatsApp
• no I wasn't
• here is a photo and a call log
• I was phoning Jim
• Jim died 2 years ago
• no he didn't*
• here are his ashes and a photo of you as pall bearer
• I didn't make a call, I think WhatsApp hacked my account
• but you just said you phoned Jim
• yes, because this is my strategy if I keep lying in the face of obvious exposure, it is so unbelievable that you must think it is true, but at the very least if I keep lying I haven't admitted anything

*these were my favourite lies - when he would argue even though he was just, black and white, wrong

This is why I say don't count on evidence to get a confession. Use evidence to make your own decision.

Ellisandra they are so unbelievable! I can't believe the things they say to squirm out of it.
Thank you

I think it's also quite unbelievable that I wouldn't think someone cheating on me would lie!

Tell him when he goes for a drive "oh, dd would love that, and I can have a lie down while you take her" :)

Even if he isn't cheating he's still behaving in a way that is shady enough to suggest that he is. But instead of reassuring you and stepping up to actually parent his child, he's blaming you and accusing you of being controlling.

These are not the actions of a kind considerate partner. I'll bet the mr niceguy behaviour only lasts as long as it takes for you to agree to stay together and then he'll check out again and start heading off on his mysterious drives once more.

I'm a male and I wouldn't believe it personally. Is he more distant, less loving? Tbf the first signs are the little ones. If he suddenly stops telling you he loves you and doesn't generally hug or kiss you then that's the big sign. Take a step back and look at the big picture. Hopefully for your sake it's not anything bad

Haha, yeah I've suggested we go for a drive together but now he generally waits until I've just put the baby down for a nap or bedtime routine.

Yeah he's being REALLY nice at the moment, much more attentive than normal.

A few months ago he was definitely really distant, much less loving, picking fights with me and criticising everything I did or said but then as the weeks passed he became nicer, especially after I asked him why he didn't want to spend time with me and our DC but he still didn't fully commit to spending more time with us. It seemed more as "I'll do this with you first and then I'll go for my drive." Placating me I guess. I think he was seeing someone around Easter time but I can't prove it, it's just from his behaviour.