Am I imagining it?

[amiimaginingit]

NC
Hi everyone.
A bit of advice or clarity at my situation would be wonderful if possible?

Bit of background:

Partner of 5 years been going for drives alone since baby was born. I've been watching him because he has left the childcare to me, saying he's too tired to go out with us but then going out when we get home. Also noticed a lot of action on whatsapp but denies talking to anyone, saying he has no one but me. My suspicions drove me to check his old dating profile that he never deleted, he'd updated he has a child but nothing else.

Last night I confronted him about this and he has just completely denied it, saying that someone must have messed about with his account, that he doesn't even know his login, that he can't get on, that I am paranoid and finding issues where there are none. He stated he barely goes out (which is true apart from the drives which might be a couple of hours on a Sat and Sun). He said he wouldn't have had a baby with me, he's happy, he has no reason to look elsewhere.

My question is, am I being paranoid? Why would someone hack into his account and only update that he has a child?! My logic says it's all bull but because I love him and am heartbroken I want to believe it's me that's the "controlling" (cos I ask where he's been for a drive) paranoid, unstable woman?

Any clarity greatly appreciated.

I had a faithless husband who 'went for drives' at weekends.

If you really want to find out where he has been you can always check his frequent locations on his iPhone (if he has one)

That will tell you where he goes on a regular basis.

Of course he has been cheating. In your shoes I would look on the dating site for him or even send him a message pretending to be someone else! Very drastic but since you are desperate for proof

Do not feel too bad - he is in the wrong, not you!

Hes guilty as fuck, clearly cheating on you left right and centre. Tell him to do one. Poor you

Yeah pretty much the shouting. He was blue with shouting and he seemed to get his point across. I know you're right. Is there any chance the website was wrong or am I just really gullible and desperate?

Thanks everyone your words are comforting.

He cheating and lying to you. Its the usual script from this sort of man
He yelling at you to shut you up. He saying to you all these things to shut you up so you will stop talking about it all.
He wont leave they say it but they ever do.
Where is he going to go?
He has got no friends has he.
Where has he got money to set up a new home.

It seems he has only got you but you are stronger then you think so don't go down the road of thinking he telling the truth op..

You know the website wasn't wrong. He updated it.

HE UPDATED THE WEBSITE. HE CAN VERY EASILY RESET HIS PASSWORD. WHY AREN'T YOU TAKING THAT IN??
I think he knows/senses your 'weakness' in terms of having enough faith/confidence in yourself. So he shouts in your face to really get his point across and make you doubt yourself. And it works.

You're being gullible and desperate - in the nicest way possible. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I spent years with a compulsive liar who made me out to be neurotic and crazy... It's what manipulating bastards do.

Check his car Sat Nav for recent destinations.

Think about it logically OP. What honestly are the chances of a) your DP not being able to send a reset password/delete profile request to the website in 5 years; b) some random hacker accessing his dating profile - surely if there were problems with security on that website it would make the headlines like the Ashley Madison thing or the Mumsnet hacking a year or two ago; c) why would a hacker (or a mate playing a prank) update it with only one piece of true information?

If any of his story were true he would be looking for answers himself, not shouting at you until he's blue in the face. This is without all the solo drives and denial of whattsapp usage. And he dares to accuse you of cheating? Classic projection/cheaters script I'm afraid.

You're all right, I can see the logic and he's not given me any reasonable explanations for anything either. He is just so bloody convincing saying how innocent and alone he is, how he works hard for us, that I am insecure, he says he loves me most days etc. I just end up feeling confused. I have hard evidence but then question if that's wrong! That not one but two sites, whatsapp and the dating one could be wrong because he says so. Now I just feel stuck in a quagmire of lies and I don't know which way is up.

He seemed to turn the power balance around because he could see I was broken and undecided, he knows how much I love him I imagine, so he used that to his advantage. He threatened that he would never see us again, he'd send money but that would be all. Mentioned a few times about ending it all either. He says he has deleted his profile now, saying he struggled with doing it.

Morning OP, sorry you're going through this.
He's projecting, trying to make it your fault.
If he genuinely was not cheating and loved you he would not behave that way. He would be devastated and remorseful. Instead he's making threats and manipulating you!
You know he's cheated, the question now is do you want to stay with him?

Would you not rather have someone who helps you put DC to bed, read them a wee story and tuck them in and come down and spend the evening together. Instead he takes himself off and lies to you about it. You don't have to live like that. Let him leave and find someone who wants to be with you.

Deny, deny, deflect, emotional blackmail. All common tactics. You know he's lying to you and treating you like an idiot. You're believing him because you're afraid of losing him - but why do you want to stay with someone who is treating you this way? He won't admit it op, just tell him very calmly to leave

Why isn't he being a good father to your baby? And giving you a break? Going off on drives and leaving you to it yet again, that's not fair and if my DH had left me literally holding the baby that often I would have gone mental. Where's your time off? Can't he see how weird and unreasonable his behaviour is? It's not normal to behaviour. Most (decent) men don't do it. This is a tangent to the bigger issues but I hope it helps you see the wood from the trees. It doesn't sound like you'd be much worse off without him so now the trust is gone, leave.

He's not going to leave you. What he's doing are textbook manipulation tactics! when someone is in the wrong (like he is) they will often try to reverse the roles in an argument and turn themselves into the poor victim. He's trying to make you look like the bad one! And his threats to end things with you are to gain control as he wants you to apologise and never question his motives again (and also beg for him to not leave you).
He's a twat!

Oh I'm sure he's deleted it now you've called him on it.
So you can't insist on seeing it - and the messages

You're not gullible and desperate. You're in a really shitty position and posters who have been there will get this. You know he's lying, but not having the actual truth is paralysing when you're talking about splitting up, when you have a child. You shouldn't need the truth (and you won't get it) because the lies are obvious. But you feel like you need it - the proper details. It took me a long time to realise the detail didn't matter - and I was strong, intelligent, emotionally and financially independent.

Until you have been faced with DENY DENY DENY you don't know how powerful that kind of stonewalling is. It sounds ridiculous, but when some lying shit is shouting their innoncence (in my case, whining it) you do think 'what if?'.

And I don't think that's from desperation actually. I think it's because you are judging him by your standards - because you wouldn't lie so vehemently, it's hard to get your head round the fact that someone else can.

But - they can, and he is.

Let him go.
Were you feeling its silly to dump someone over WhatsApp calls and a dating site profile?
How much more silly for him to dump you over it.

Look, it matters not what other people think. But what he has done - update a dating site profile and disappears off for hours using WhatsApp? People will mostly think "yep, he's a liar".

Great post by Ellisandra

OP one thing we always see a lot on threads such as yours is "he says...he says...he says..." It is very easy to get suckered into what someone says (or shouts) so that you forget to look at what he actually does. His actions (whatsapp, active and updated dating profile, dodgy drives out, not supporting you with your baby, complete lack of reassurance, accusations that YOU are cheating without any evidence put forward whatsoever...I could go on) tell you all you need to know.

He is a lying cheating scum bag!

I'm not telling you to ltb but by god he has done a right number on you.

This is doomed. Your trust has been compromised, he has treat you like a fool and you are acting desperate. Your anger will come but clearly not today, maybe in a few months when you are seething with resentment over the way he treat you and played you like a fiddle.

Thank you everyone, I'm sat here in tears knowing you're right and I appreciate all of your advice and understanding.

When I look back over the advice, not one person has said his behaviour is acceptable and that I am not imagining it. I guess to some degree it becomes the norm so you don't trust your own judgement.

Ellisandra - that is exactly where I am at, I feel paralysed, I doubt myself.
I think it's enough to dump someone over the whatsapp and dating thing but he denies it so vehemently and protests his innocent that I genuinely start to wonder if I am wrong, if I imagined it. I am struggling to differentiate my bottom from my elbow at the moment.
His reasons to end it with me is because I've accused him of cheating a couple of times now (I asked who he was talking to on whatsapp the other week). He says no trust, no relationship. I agree BUT he is making out that I have no reason not to trust, that he is devoted. That he goes to work for us, we are all he has, why would he jeopardise losing us. I think you are also right that I am judging him from my own standards. I feel like you're opening my eyes and it helps so much to have someone who can relate and know how it feels. Thank you!

Thank you.

Tempus - absolutely, all I have is "he says" and not looking at the actions clearly.

Quite - yes an absolute number!

Also yes, I would love to have someone take part in the parenting, a bedtime story, bath, feeding, walk, anything would be much appreciated but I can count on one hand the
amount of times that has happened.

Everyone has been spot on!

If he was fully innocent and you've accused him of whatsapp convos etc he would be showing you his phone not screaming in your face. He's trying every dirty tactic he can to have his cake and eat it. Get rid. I know it's awful and I know you must be really upset and heartbroken but this guy is a douche. No help with the DC, has an UP TO DATE dating profile, goes for "long drives" on his own (which is just annoying even if he wasn't cheating as it's just more responsibility and less of a break for you!) is on his whatsapp all the time and THEN tries to act like you're paranoid and weird and making it up. Screams in your face, threatens to lull himself. What an absolute PRICK. You need to really be strong and resolute on this one don't let him bully you in to submission. He just wants to get back to what he's been up to with the comfort of you at home doing everything for his DC. Disgusting. Drop the rot. Big love to you xx

*kill not lull. This guy is a bully.

You can turn this around just as he has. HE is not behaving well as a parent and isn't pulling his weight. All the going out for drives is him slacking off on parenting, even if he wasn't up to anything else (and like all the other posters, I don't believe that for a second). Tell him he can stop making threats and shouting because HE has let you and your DC down here, not the other way around, and he needs to shape up or you will be ending the relationship.