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Original poster

Am I imagining it?

80 replies

amiimaginingit · 20/05/2017 08:31

NC
Hi everyone.
A bit of advice or clarity at my situation would be wonderful if possible?

Bit of background:

Partner of 5 years been going for drives alone since baby was born. I've been watching him because he has left the childcare to me, saying he's too tired to go out with us but then going out when we get home. Also noticed a lot of action on whatsapp but denies talking to anyone, saying he has no one but me. My suspicions drove me to check his old dating profile that he never deleted, he'd updated he has a child but nothing else.

Last night I confronted him about this and he has just completely denied it, saying that someone must have messed about with his account, that he doesn't even know his login, that he can't get on, that I am paranoid and finding issues where there are none. He stated he barely goes out (which is true apart from the drives which might be a couple of hours on a Sat and Sun). He said he wouldn't have had a baby with me, he's happy, he has no reason to look elsewhere.

My question is, am I being paranoid? Why would someone hack into his account and only update that he has a child?! My logic says it's all bull but because I love him and am heartbroken I want to believe it's me that's the "controlling" (cos I ask where he's been for a drive) paranoid, unstable woman?

Any clarity greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
amiimaginingit · 20/05/2017 10:25

He tells me he loves me most days and he is very affectionate. Not so much a few months ago though.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 20/05/2017 10:33

You know he will throw some bullshit at you about him not getting enough attention since baby came along.

You know he is lying.

grungeneverdied · 20/05/2017 10:33

Giving him the benefit of the doubt he may not of realised he was being distant until you mentioned it and is trying to amend it. Saying that the car journeys alone late at night on weekends is very suspicious. I wouldn't accuse and please don't snoop you'll just send yourself insane. I think it's down to you know to resolve the worry in your mind and trust his word. Believe him but stay aware of changes in his behaviour in the future.

Original poster
amiimaginingit · 20/05/2017 10:48

I don't think I can trust someone with an up to date dating profile which is a verified account. He basically "can't" take it down because he says he does not know how to and he does not know his password. I don't believe him.

OP posts:
grungeneverdied · 20/05/2017 10:49

Oh I totally read over that bit without ingesting it. Yeah he's up to something. Sorry but you don't have dating apps to make "friends". Get rid 100%

Original poster
amiimaginingit · 20/05/2017 10:59

Thanks Smile I was doubting myself again for a moment there haha. It's easily done.

OP posts:
grungeneverdied · 20/05/2017 11:15

Yeah I personally wouldn't hang around. Even if he wasn't cheating you're still not happy as he isn't living up to your expectations (normal to have them). Hopefully whatever you decide you come out of it happier!

Huskylover1 · 20/05/2017 12:38

He's lying to you (3 hours driving does not equate to 30 miles)

He's on a dating app.

He's not helping much with the baby.

He's constantly on his phone.

He's spending family money (all that petrol!)

Hmm. I'd be very tempted to set up a fake profile on the dating app, and send him a flirty message. See if he responds.

When he was out "driving" for 3 hours, but he'd only done 30 miles, where was he????? This you will never know, but it would bug me no end.

Original poster
amiimaginingit · 20/05/2017 13:16

Huskylover - thank you, I hadn't even considered it was costing family money for his driving time too!

As much as it seems a good idea to set up a profile he'll be on high alert now.

I spoke to him again this morning saying I didn't believe him (I was going to end it) and he swears he's innocent. It really, really puts me on the back foot. I so want to believe him and so we are still in limbo and I am weakening again.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 20/05/2017 13:22

Do you have access to is phone/e-mails? If not, why not? Next time you go out "forget" to take your phone and ask to borrow his, to make an urgent call. If he hands it over, that's a good sign. If he looks panicked, that will be quite telling.

I think I'd search his car, as well. Remember under the boot cover too, where the spare wheel is. Flowers

Changedname3456 · 20/05/2017 13:41

So (rhetorical question) you know he can hit "forgot password" and get back on these sites to cancel them?!

His excuses are really, really lame. It almost doesn't matter if he's actually cheating or not. He's doing things which he knows are a threat to his relationship with you and won't stop or mitigate them enough to make a difference.

Ok, nobody deserves a controlling partner, and he's entitled to his own life (just as you are), but this isn't that. Updated dating profiles, "sneaky" use of messaging apps, unexplainable drives out. One of these on its own might have a reasonable explanation. Two would be stretching it, but all three? Plus other changes in behaviour?

TempusEedjit · 20/05/2017 13:43

Tell me it wasn't his child's life he swore on? The cheaters always do that (yet the child is always fine, obviously). Funny also how his dating account has got hacked (why? and by whom?) and it just so happens to coincide with increased whatsapp usage that he denies and solo drives he doesn't want you to go on. By the way has he contacted the dating site/changed all his passwords/sorted out online banking/installed security software etc in light of these "hackings"? If not, why not?

Sorry you are going through this.

Mustang27 · 20/05/2017 14:19

He just has to hit the contact us button somewhere on the dating sites main page email them to say he has forgot his password and he wants to close the account. Simple really

HildaOg · 20/05/2017 14:34

Don't believe him as one pp suggests. You're not imagining things. You're seeing things exactly as they are.

No hacker is going to break into his dating profile to accurately update that he now has a child. He lies about being on WhatsApp claiming he has nobody to talk to when you can see him online. He goes off alone on long journeys that don't get him very far mileage wise and times them so you can't join him.

It couldn't be anymore obvious that he is cheating. Don't listen to anymore of his lies. Decide whether you are prepared to stay with someone who won't tell you the truth or whether you aren't. If not, say no more to him, just get everything you need ready in order to leave him.

TooFew · 20/05/2017 14:41

Always trust your instincts on this stuff...it's rarely wrong!

JustMumNowNotMe · 20/05/2017 15:51

Sounds like your instincts are spot on and he's lying and cheating on you Angry

You need to get access to his phone to know for sure. Can you look when he is sleeping?

I've read on here of some partners putting listening devices into cheating partners cars.....

I've been where you are and its soul destroying. I'm so sorry this is happening to you Flowers

Original poster
amiimaginingit · 20/05/2017 15:54

No I don't have access to his phone, never have been able to get near it.

Yeah the excuses do seem lame.

He's not speaking to me at all now. If it was me that had been accused, I'd be doing everything in my power to prove my innocence, he believes he shouldn't have to and that I should believe his word.

OP posts:
JustMumNowNotMe · 20/05/2017 15:56

What sort of password is it, a picture, PIN or fingerprint? The first two you could work out from observing him use it, finger print maybe when he is asleep?

JustMumNowNotMe · 20/05/2017 15:58

My ex did the same, made out I was the unreasonable one and acted like the wounded party. When i got into his phone, I actually vomited, I remember the stomach-dropping devastation like it was yesterday.

Original poster
amiimaginingit · 20/05/2017 17:52

Well he's screamed his innocence in my face. I believe him. He said he is going to leave me anyway for not trusting him.
I am devastated.

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 20/05/2017 18:45

Tell him to fuck off what an actual child. Rather as trying to put your mind at rest he is acting like a twat.

Ok it's fine to be a little annoyed at you. It why can't he see that pissing off for a drive and leaving on your own dealing with the childcare all the time is odd and selfish and you are well within your rights to question him.

I'm sure if you had an active dating profile he'd have something to say.

ZaZathecat · 20/05/2017 19:09

He's making you feel like you caused the break-up like many a cowardly partner does. It's easier for them to put the blame on you instead of saying 'I'm sorry, I don't love you any more.'

Original poster
amiimaginingit · 20/05/2017 19:43

I asked him what he'd do in my position, so he accused me of having someone else and I just thought it was funny as I adore him. I said if I was in his position I would do everything I could to allay any fears. He has just denied it.

I just don't understand how a dating site could get updated with correct info if he didn't do it himself. It's all my fault though for not trusting him. He was acting odd though! I am looking after DC alone. I love him and he says he loves me.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 20/05/2017 20:14

Why do you believe him?

Ellisandra · 20/05/2017 20:15

Because he shouted his lie louder and in your face?

I don't mean that nastily.
Evidence against him: updated dating site.
Evidence for him: he said so.

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