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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please.

90 replies

Sphygmomanometer · 18/05/2017 12:24

I think my DP is about to end our relationship Sad

He has messaged saying he'll speak to me later as he is at work just now. So now I'm at home pulling my hair out with worry.

Things have been tough recently but I can't face losing him.

All our friends are mutual so I don't have anyone to sound off to.

OP posts:
DanielCraigsUnderpants · 18/05/2017 12:47

Here to hold your hand. Did you message him first or did he contact you to tell you he wanted to talk?

BookWhore · 18/05/2017 12:54

Can you tell us a bit more so we can help you? Obviously only tell as much as you feel comfortable with, but perhaps you could say why you think leaving you is an option he is likely to take? Flowers for you

Original poster
Sphygmomanometer · 18/05/2017 13:07

Thanks for replying. We've had a tough couple of weeks culminating in a very emotional weekend.

He had a female friend coming to stay with us, I'm not generally a jealous person but I have low self esteem and he had made some very inappropriate jokes about how attractive she is. They had to stay elsewhere on her first night here and ended up sharing a bed. I trust him that nothing happened but his comments beforehand had upset me and made me feel inadequate.

In the end I really warmed to her and we all ended up having a nice time and he apologised for being inappropriate and reassured me he meant nothing by it and hadn't meant to hurt me. He has form for being insensitive but is generally a very kind and loving partner.

She left a couple of days ago, he said he thought we were stronger now because talking had brought up alot of feelings that we managed to work through and he even mentioned us having children together.

Yesterday he was fine, I went to the shop and when i came back he had totally changed. Wouldn't speak at all, not even to my DS. He lay in bed and ignored me until he fell asleep.

Ive been having a rough time at work and have had to take a few days off to sort through things and seek some support, we were messaging about that and he was saying he felt low as well, avoided explaining why and when I asked him directly if there was a problem with me/ us and if he'd had enough, he said "I'll speak you you later".

He's messaging briefly about his day but skims past if i try to mention it. I'm trying not to push it and respect that he doesnt want to bring it up.over text when hes working but obviously im just sat at home awaiting the worst.

Sorry if thats all a bit garbled, feeling very mixed up just now.

OP posts:
DanielCraigsUnderpants · 18/05/2017 13:16

I dont want to make you feel more anxious, so if you're not comfortable answering then fine. But why did they have to stay somewhere else and in the same bed? How long have you been together

Original poster
Sphygmomanometer · 18/05/2017 13:29

We have quite a small flat and she was sleeping in DS' room while he stayed at my parents for the weekend. He had to be at home for tge first night of her visit so they stayed at his parents' house instead because they have two spare rooms- so it saved anyone having to doss on the couch at ours. They didn't have to share a bed though, they just did.

We've been together roughly a year and a half and lived together for 6 months. Things moved pretty fast but we'd known each other a long time before getting together and our circumstances (work etc) meant that when he moved to a new place it made sense for me to go to, it was his suggestion so not like I've pushed him into anything.

OP posts:
isitjustme2017 · 18/05/2017 13:32

I'm sorry you're going through this OP but, the sharing a bed things is not right at all. I mean, how old are they????

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 18/05/2017 13:36

I would be very unhappy about them sharing a bed. And if I were in your position, and I appreciate I am not, I would be the one finishing with him.

Are you sure, in your heart that you really want to be with this man? His behaviour at the weekend would have hurt anyone, even someone with rock solid self esteem. My advice, is I'll hold your hand as you tell him you can do better than this, and that you dont want to be with him anymore.

Original poster
Sphygmomanometer · 18/05/2017 14:02

He is 30, she's early 20s. I know it looks bad but I trust him that nothing happened- that doesn't change the fact I was home alone hurting and he was enjoying himself which I found horrible. Even if they hadn't shared a bed.

I really can't imagine calling it a day, It'll break my heart to lose him and I really thought with all the talking we'd done that we'd move on and be ok.

OP posts:
Delphi2022 · 18/05/2017 14:21

Hi Op,

I am afraid I agree with everyone else. Have you actually met his parents? I cannot find any reason for him and this 'friend' to share a bed! I would find it to be disrespectful - how would he feel if you did that.

I would also ask if you had a daughter, would you want her partner to be like your DP?

DaddyfingerAnnihilation · 18/05/2017 14:22

There was 2 spare rooms so there was absolutely zero reason for them to share a bed!
It's crossing the line and blurring the boundaries regardless of whether anything happened or not.
It would be completely different if there really was nowhere else they could sleep, but there was another bed! They actively chose to share. Your kidding yourself if you don't think there's more to this.
Maybe they didn't have sex but clearly their feelings are more than just friendship. If it was a super close male friend of his do you think they still would have chosen to sleep in the same bed when there's another spare?

KinkyAfro · 18/05/2017 14:31

Ditch him first, if he had any respect for you he wouldn't be sharing beds with other women...friends or not

Original poster
Sphygmomanometer · 18/05/2017 15:07

Yes Delphi I actually have a really good relationship with his parents.

I was told that he fell asleep on the couch, she went up to bed (confirmed by photos on snapchat story). He then went upstairs a few hours later.

It has just dawned on me that this means he chose to go into whatever spare room she was in and climb into bed with her, or she waited on him going up and followed him to the other room and he allowed it to happen.

Its looking worse the more I think about it now Sad

OP posts:
oleoleoleole · 18/05/2017 15:12

You are being played for a fool. As soon as he comes home ask him for his phone and read his messages, texts, call log etc. If he won't allow it there's your answer. If he does and there's nothing ask him why he thinks it's ok for him to share a bed with her.

Goingtobeawesome · 18/05/2017 15:12

Don't let him make a mug of you. I suggest you ask for a trial separation and when you realise you'd be better off without him you'll just not ask him back..

dailydance · 18/05/2017 15:16

He is making a mug out of you I think. Mood swinging like this is not a good sign either... I expect he's feeling guilty and resenting you for 1. Being so nice & reasonable therefore he can't justify to himself for "sharing" a bed with her and 2. Preventing him from from sleeping with whomever he wants to

DaddyfingerAnnihilation · 18/05/2017 15:18

Exactly Sphyg. He's using you're insecurities against you to make you doubt what is clearly in front of you. I can guarantee he'll say you're insecure and are being unreasonably jealous because he's friends with a woman. But he's full of shit.
Just to reiterate, would he purposely chose to sleep in bed with a male friend when there are 2 beds available?

Delphi2022 · 18/05/2017 15:24

I'm sorry OP,

I would not blame yourself. We have all been here - you trusted him and he exploited that! But, it does not look good.

I would not want this for myself or my daughter. You deserve better than this. The reason I asked whether you had met his parents was, I am shocked that they would allow this to happen! They are not fools and even if he did fall asleep on the sofa, you are a couple with a child. If you were all staying with them or just the woman only, then that would make sense.

Keep up!

Let him talk and just listen as he may well trip himself up.

isitjustme2017 · 18/05/2017 15:27

I agree with everyone else. Sharing a bed with another woman (unless its his mother or sister) is not acceptable and to then deflect your dislike of this on your own insecurities is just awful.
If you shared a bed with another man would he like it? I think not. Do NOT let him fob you off with "you don't trust me/you're jealous" etc etc but I don't know any woman who would not feel like this.
Stand up for yourself, you deserve respect.

Original poster
Sphygmomanometer · 18/05/2017 15:31

Probably not in those circumstances Daddy. I know he's shared beds with male friends before, to save money booking rooms for festivals and everyone just crashed in whatever bed they fell in. But not at home when there are spare beds available and he had already slept off the drink on the couch.

I'm guessing his parents were downstairs by the time he woke up and moved to bed (9.30am) so maybe werent aware of where they ended up sleeping.

I'm now thinking he might feel guilty if there's more to it than he initially let on and now wants to come clean- hence wanting to talk to me. I know how generally honest he is and if he's lied about any of this for whatever reason, he wouldnt be able to keep it up.

OP posts:
Want2beme · 18/05/2017 15:34

Sounds very unusual to sleep with a friend, if there's no shortage of space. Who told you that they slept in the same bed? Sorry if I missed the answer to that in PP.

nigelsbigface · 18/05/2017 17:31

Hope you are ok op.
It Certainly doesn't seem right from what you've described

Paperdoll16 · 18/05/2017 18:31

Were they friends before the two of you met? It all sounds all very inappropriate! Hmm

Original poster
Sphygmomanometer · 18/05/2017 19:45

They were friends for around 5 years before we met during which time she was in a long term relationship with someone in her home country. This is the first time they've seen each other since it ended.

DP told me in conversation that they had shared a bed after assuring me beforehand that it wouldn't happen. He was trying to reassure me that I didn't need to worry and said something like, "ok we might have slept in the same bed but nothing happened, we didn't even hug".

We've had a talk now and it turns out what he was hinting at had nothing to do with her. I had drunkenly revealed something from my past that many people have strong views about. He has been stewing on it since the weekend and has told me he finds it repulsive and that it has changed how he feels about me. It made him reconsider whether he wanted to be with me at all.

I explained the situation to him and he understands a little better why I acted the way I did at the time, but I don't know how we can get past this. I can't just forget what he said and I can't change what I did in the past. How can he love someone who did something that behaved in a way he thinks is fundamentally wrong?

We've hugged and cried and I'm still upset. He's not a cold person, he is very measured and very understanding he isn't trying to hurt me, he's just being honest.

I'd rather he'd bloody cheated on me Sad

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 18/05/2017 19:51

He's thirty now, she's early twenties... they knew each other five years before you met and you've been together a year and a half...just doing some relationship maths...he's known her since she was fifteen?!? Or not much older...

I think he likes her a lot. Why otherwise would they stay friends for so long. And I'm not sure I'd like any man I was seeing to be 'sharing a bed' with anyone, let alone a woman he's been 'friendly' with for so long. Have they always just been 'friends' or has there been more?

Original poster
Sphygmomanometer · 18/05/2017 19:56

They have always just been friends- they met at an annual event, it might be four years ago not five actually. Usually they only see each other once a year at the event, nothing has ever happened between them as she has always been at said event with her boyfriend.

Her visit to us was the first time theyve seen each other outwith the event and also the first time she has met him when shes not been in a relationship.

Its a bit irrelevant now anyway, we have a much bigger problem to deal with.

OP posts: