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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hand hold please.

90 replies

Sphygmomanometer · 18/05/2017 12:24

I think my DP is about to end our relationship

He has messaged saying he'll speak to me later as he is at work just now. So now I'm at home pulling my hair out with worry.

Things have been tough recently but I can't face losing him.

All our friends are mutual so I don't have anyone to sound off to.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 19/05/2017 12:54

Why did he tell you they shared a bed?

wiselyvanilla · 19/05/2017 13:09

No,l don't want you to say where you are. Just wondering where your partner is from...

wiselyvanilla · 19/05/2017 13:12

Anyway, l say this with kindness.
You need to ask why you are tripping over yourself to defend his behaviour.
He is making you second guess yourself- even now he has a massive hold over you.
Please try to find it within to put a stop to all this. In years to come you're going to be glad you did.
Good luck.

Original poster

Sphygmomanometer · 19/05/2017 13:33

I don't know, Stoic. If he hadn't mentioned it I might never have known. By the time I found out she was already staying with us and I was really getting along with her. The three of us were having a fantastic time, no tension etc.

DP and i had walked to the shop and I think I was explaining why I felt so put out by her at first and he had said "you have nothing to worry about, its you i want, we might have slept in the same bed but nothinf happened" or something to that effect.

Vanilla we are both British, definitely not anything cultural as far as I'm aware

OP posts:

SparklingRaspberry · 19/05/2017 13:41

You're being very naive about him sharing a bed with her OP!

Of course they may not have done anything.

But considering there was a sofa downstairs and other spare rooms, why else would he go into the room she was in and get into the same bed? It wasn't to read bed time stories put it that way!

Oh and how clever of him bringing this up about the abortion! It's done exactly what he wanted - it's directed the attention from him and her to something else.

Sorry OP, but I think you're being a mug. Even if they didn't have sex they at least hugged and cuddled! Why else would he share a bed with her?! He had other rooms he could've slept in. He chose to get in her bed, he chose to ignore your feelings to climb into bed with another woman.

I don't know how you can be okay with.

Bob19701 · 19/05/2017 13:45

I really don't think the OP is listening to any of the advice that is being given ...

Bananamanfan · 19/05/2017 14:00

I agree, op. He is looking for a way to be free while his 'friend' is on the scene & lays the blame on you in the process. It's shitty behaviour he is using your vulnerabilitiies against you. So easy to take to moral high ground on abortion when you've never bern faced with that decision.

Original poster

Sphygmomanometer · 19/05/2017 15:04

Bob, I am listening and trying to take it all in, believe me, but its not easy to just accept that this person that I've known for years, fallen for and built a life with has suddenly turned into a dishonest manipulator.

I know everyone says this but he really has never been a liar, not about anything, ever, to anyone. His family are all very upfront people and he is the same. Im not saying people cant change but its difficult to just accept that hes had some sort of personality transplant in the past week.

I doubt very much he is intending on pursuing her either, she lives in another country.

OP posts:

jouu · 19/05/2017 15:27

It's not about him being a liar. I doubt he's doing any of this consciously.

He just needs you to shut up and continue being who you were in his life, despite him wanting to pursue this girl. So he'll say whatever he needs to to get that to happen.

mylaststraw · 19/05/2017 15:51

You say he's not a liar and he/his family are very upfront ppl, but.....he said before he went that he wouldn't do something like that, yet he did. And instead of telling you when he got back, it kind of slipped out in conversation. So, lying by omission, when he knew you wouldn't be happy because he had expressly said he wouldn't do it. But he did. Deliberately.
You're best out of this, he doesn't sound devoted to you and your relationship in the slightest. He's basically testing the waters with this 'friend' now she's single.

Teatowelfairy · 19/05/2017 15:52

If the bed sharing was innocent which yes is possible but seems vv unlikely in these circumstances and if it's a perfectly normal and acceptable thing to do, then why hide it from his parents with the sneaking around?

SparklingRaspberry · 19/05/2017 17:18

He is a liar OP. He told you he wouldn't share a bed with her but what happened? He went and shared a bed with her despite the fact there were 2 spare ones. That makes him a liar.

He probably isn't pursuing her. That would be too much hard work for him because she's in another country/lives far away.
But he probably had a quick shag or fumble around in the bed he shared with her after telling you he wouldn't.
Even if they didn't do anything sexual he still chose to ignore your feelings, to ignore the fact he knew it'd upset you all so he could climb into bed with somebody else.

Come on OP, two spare beds and a sofa yet he still willingly chose to climb into bed with her and you don't think anything happened??

loveyoutothemoon · 19/05/2017 17:54

Everything SparklingRaspberry said, especially the last bit.

Gothbaby · 19/05/2017 20:10

Sorry to hear you are going through a crappy time. Had a little read through the thread and there are a number of thoughts i have to add:

there was no reason why they had to share a bed. You've asked him, he could be honest or be lying. What is stopping you from just asking his friend straight up "-- told me... about you sleeping together the other night" A friend of mine used that phrasing in the sammmme situation and the girl confessed all! Not sure how she'd take it but surly its worth asking if theres doubt??

If he is being honest then just let him know why the whole situation has upset you "if you do something i expressed negative feelings tonight , then why go and do it??"

If something happened and theres doubt/risk of being found out, im sorry to say but i sounds like he WILL use the abortion thing as a reason to leave... making you the 'bad guy' when he has absolutely no right to judge you on the past

nigelsbigface · 19/05/2017 20:23

Op-you can never say never about anyone. My best friend in the world was having an affair with my husband for a year and a half.i would not have believed It of her if I hadn't seen the physical evidence of it.and even then it took me 24 hours to be believe my own eyes.She was in my mind the last person that would do this. And yet she did.

I don't want to be horrible at all-but when someone tells you who they are you should listen and all that...

professorvape · 20/05/2017 00:18

I vote 'hiding in plain sight'. Cheating fuck. Cut him loose.

SandyY2K · 20/05/2017 01:30

I would think very carefully before having a child (or another child) with this man. You mentioned a DS and I got the impression, he's not the father. Apologies, if I've got that wrong.

You really need a stable relationship before bringing a new life into the world..... and yours is a bit rocky at the moment.

I wonder.... Would he be okay with you sharing a bed with a male friend of yours?

anon1987 · 20/05/2017 02:05

I'm sorry but it all sounds rather confused and very childish to me.
A 30 year old man staying at his mummy and daddy's with some female friend and then sharing a bed (option not to) with her whilst his girlfriend is at home?.
Then he tries to deflect the issue you have with him, on to you by acting hurt and disgusted that you had a termination?..then takes it all back once he knows he's got you wrapped round his little finger again.

Sorry op but move on. He sounds way to complicated and you have a child to consider. Do you really want to waste your time on someone who've only been with 18 months who's that complicated and causes you stress??

Bloomed · 20/05/2017 02:18

I wouldn't get too distracted about the bedsharing friend. He just doesn't sound like a good person to have in your life.

Original poster

Sphygmomanometer · 20/05/2017 06:37

My DS is from a previous relationship.

I don't want any more children, ever and as far as I knew he didn't either. We've never discussed it before but when he brought it up I thought it was lovely that he was considering our future together and what that might hold.

I don't know wtf is going through his head. Why would he do all this instead of just chucking me?

He's been messaging a girl from a dating website, told her she's beautiful and is now friends with her on facebook. I guess this is it for us.

OP posts:

nigelsbigface · 20/05/2017 07:05

Messaging a girl from a dating website?
How did you find out?
Really sorry op.Hooe you are ok

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 20/05/2017 07:05

He sounds like a complete twat.
Honest.....lovely.....to the point of blunt? Not lovely. Red flag.

Tells you he won't sleep in same bed as female friend....?? Why did he even need to say this? Then did it anyway when plenty of other options were available. Red flag.

Brings up something from your past which he has no right to judge you on, and judges you but then forgives you. Red flag.

Run and run fast.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 20/05/2017 07:06

Oh, and then messages some one on a dating site as well?

Pull up your big girl pants and recognise your worth and dump him pronto. He can sleep in one of the spare beds at his parents house!!

GreenRut · 20/05/2017 07:15

Op don't conflate his 'upfront' nature with him being an honest person. That's bullshit. He sounds scarily like my long term ex. It won't end well and I think you have a duty to your dc to get yourself out of this relationship. He's a total dick. And as for why wouldn't he just chuck you if he carrying on with someone? They love the clandestine nature of the whole thing / not half so much fun when it's an actual relationship with the other person having expectations of you, is it?

I would wipe that smirk off his face and tell him point blank he's not good enough for me, goodbye. And then put one foot in front of the other and don't look back. Within about 6 months you'll be so happy you did that.

GeekyWombat · 20/05/2017 07:19

He's been messaging a girl from a dating website, told her she's beautiful and is now friends with her on facebook. I guess this is it for us.

You guess? It should be the end because you are making it the end. He is clearly a disrespectful arse looking for opportunities elsewhere.

You can do better than this OP. This man doesn't deserve either your love or your loyalty.

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