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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please.

90 replies

Sphygmomanometer · 18/05/2017 12:24

I think my DP is about to end our relationship Sad

He has messaged saying he'll speak to me later as he is at work just now. So now I'm at home pulling my hair out with worry.

Things have been tough recently but I can't face losing him.

All our friends are mutual so I don't have anyone to sound off to.

OP posts:
SnootBooper · 18/05/2017 20:14

So he's judging you for something you did before you even met him?

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume it wasn't violent assault, rape or murder and that's he's massively over reacting. Also seems like a convenient time to have suddenly remembered you bringing this up - right after he's shared a bed with another women Hmm

Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes OP. Unless you are a axe murderer in which case accept my apologies!

Original poster
Sphygmomanometer · 18/05/2017 20:56

I had an abortion Snoot. Normally I would not entertain anyone who questioned my decision, but there are circumstances surrounding DPs family which make his view a bit easier to understand, even if I disagree.

I explained that my baby would have been born into an abusive, toxic environment and he said that knowing the back story helped it make sense to him. I don't regret what I did and I made sure he knew that he wouldn't make me feel ashamed of my decision but that I was sad that it made him feel differently about me.

I already knew about him sharing a bed before I told him about the abortion so I don't think he brought it up to take the heat off himself. More that he has been feeling low, I've been feeling low and he didn't feel up to having the conversation until today.

I love him so much, I realise all of this makes him look terrible but in general he is a very kind, loving and genuine person. Normally, our relationship is a happy and fun one.

OP posts:
SnootBooper · 18/05/2017 21:27

OP, he has no bloody right to judge you for terminating a pregnancy. No bloody right at all. It's really nothing to do with him and if he chooses to judge you based on this, well, I'd pack his bags for him.

I'm an outsider looking in so I get it's not that simple. But I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you can't forget what he said. You'll always know that he has this ridiculously judgmental streak.

I had a termination when I was 18. Same circumstances as you. I have a deeply religious friend. She personally doesn't believe in abortion. Does she judge me? Maybe, she would never admit it if she did. She is a wonderful friend who doesn't let differences in beliefs come between us. I know if I was in the same position again she would be there in a heartbeat to support me whatever I chose. I wouldn't accept any less from a relationship whether it be romantic or not. I urge you not to put up with it.

pictish · 18/05/2017 21:36

If this is for real then you being a mug. I'm sorry, I know that's rude but he is blindingly dreadful.

pictish · 18/05/2017 22:01

"He has been stewing on it since the weekend and has told me he finds it repulsive and that it has changed how he feels about me."

He is using anything he can think of to lay the blame on you for the breakdown of the relationship so he can go chasing after his 'friend'. I think his tactics are not only nasty but transparent and childish too. He is a spiteful thing.

I can't tell you what to do. You're obviously mad about him so I expect much of what we say will fly over your head. I can only wish you better than this. Good luck. x

nigelsbigface · 18/05/2017 22:07

He's not a nice and lovely person op.He's using something that was probably difficult for you,both at the time and to reveal, as an excuse to end your relationship. Repulsive is the word I would use to describe his behaviour as it goes.
You. Isn't bit see it now, tomorrow or in a month.But one day you will realise that this was the moment when you dodged a bullet.

I hope you are ok as I'm sure you are hurting right now-but honestly that's a pretty disgraceful thing to say to someone you care about wether you want to be in a relationship or not.

CountessYgritte · 18/05/2017 22:32

He thinks you are repulsive? Oh my goodness. He is horrible. He is judgemental and narrow minded. If he really feels this way I think you should end the relationship. Firstly because he is clearly a sanctimonious tosser but mainly because I think he will use this fact to throw at you whenever you argue. He will make you feel ashamed and make you question your beliefs and self worth.

He has no right to judge and be so pompous that he tells you he will try to get over it. I don't give a shit what his family circumstance are, he has no right to treat you like this. He is meant to love you.

The bed- sharing is a massive red flag. It is neither normal nor acceptable. He is controlling you and behaving very badly whilst managing to persuade you that you are in the wrong.

You need to get out of this relationship as a matter of urgency. This is not love. Not even close. Then you need to find some help - a therapist or the Freedom Course to enable you to explore why you are attracted to abusive men and learn about healthy relationship boundaries.

I wish you well. Get away from this man. He is a piece of shit.

jouu · 19/05/2017 02:56

OP he's such a knobber. Please bin him off.

It's achingly obvious that he's keen on this girl, and you revealing this part of your past to her is something's he's taking as a golden opportunity smokescreen the fact that he's already checked out of your relationship. Now he can be awful to you, and go crying to her about how awful you are and how noble he is in comparison (and hence start getting closer to her), all with a convenient excuse.

He's daring you to end it so he doesn't have to.

Gross. What an excuse for a man.

Original poster
Sphygmomanometer · 19/05/2017 05:24

I need to be fair here. He has now taken back what he said and apologised (heartfelt) for upsetting me. In my drunken garbling it seems that it sounded like I'd been flippant and just thrown a life away so I could have fun and I just couldn't be arsed having a child. Now he realises why it all happened he has taken it back. A baby in his family died in infancy so I understand why he would struggle with the thought of someone taking such a decision so lightly.

That doesn't solve anything else mind you, and its still going to take some work to get past all this.

What a mess Sad

OP posts:
jouu · 19/05/2017 05:31

It's not meant to be hard work.

It doesn't have to be this hard. You don't need this man. And he has taken you for a fool already, sharing a bed with this other girl and so on.

Please, salvage some dignity and start making quiet plans to move on from this... He's daring you to end it, it's only going to get more humiliating from here...

SnootBooper · 19/05/2017 06:28

OP, I think he's clutching at straws here. You don't need to be fair to him, he's hardly being fair to you is he?

If you feel you want to stay with him then that's your choice but I think that would be a mistake for you.

DownTownAbbey · 19/05/2017 07:47

I think he's had a huge crush on this friend for years but she's been unavailable. In the meantime he got with you. Now she's free he's seeing if she'll have him if he dumps you. In the meantime, whilst he's sharing beds with her and generally making his move, he's finding reasons to make sure it's your fault when he ends your relationship,

I know men and women can be friends. Just not bed sharing when there's a sofa kind of friends. A gentleman would have slept on the floor ffs!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 19/05/2017 07:53

He had no right to express disgust at your decision.

But I fully expect you to be back on here discussing the ow before too long.

And likely the reason he gives will be you pushed him into it!!
Flowers

wiselyvanilla · 19/05/2017 08:10

Where is he from op Smile

Original poster
Sphygmomanometer · 19/05/2017 09:17

Why do you ask Vanilla?

I know what you all mean about the OW. I feel like I'm tiptoeing around that issue now because things got so bad yesterday I don't want to bring it up.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/05/2017 09:49

He's a clever one isn't he........doing what he's doing and yet judging you and giving himself ammunition to justify it if/when he ends it with you. God forbid it should be anything he did, quick, let's blame Sphy so she can kick herself because she thinks it's her fault when actually I'm just an arsehole.

Seriously OP, he sounds awful, really awful and he's leading you a right merry dance.

AnyFucker · 19/05/2017 09:52

You are being played like a fiddle

Sad to see that anyone would tolerate such bullshit for the sake of a relationship

hellsbellsmelons · 19/05/2017 10:03

Well you can't bury your head in the sand!
You will have to bring it up.
He's done this after living together for only 6 months.
This is quite a new relationship and should still be in the honeymoon phase.
But it's not.
He's made it like this.
I would imagine there are other red flags since living with him that you are choosing to bury your head about as well!
Have a look at the Freedom Programme, you can do it on-line.
It might just help you to see other red flags here.
We call all see it.
Why can't you?

Foxysoxy01 · 19/05/2017 10:18

Aww pet he is being very manipulative!

Why don't you write down everything he does that upsets you or makes you question yourself and read it back like a friend was asking your advice?

It sounds to me like he is trying to play you and mess with your head to control you and the relationship.

You do see that him sleeping in a bed with another woman is completely unacceptable! and God knows where the other woman's self respect went especially as she was meeting you for a weekend visit the next day!

I would think he has definitely had sex with the 'friend' and was lining you up to know your place in the relationship so he can mess around behind your back and the on, off, does he still love me, will he be able to cope with my past is a power trip to keep you hanging on for any scraps he may feel like throwing you.

You are worth more than he can ever give you!

Delphi2022 · 19/05/2017 10:35

I am sorry Sphy, but I am agreement with other pp.

My heart sank when i read some of your responses and realised that you had taken on his counter issue and are seeming to ignore this red flag!

Like I said earlier, you deserve better than this and Hells and Foxy have given some really good advice. Write it down and look at it and ask yourself if you were talking to a close relative who is now in spirit for their advice, would they be happy for you in this relationship?

Please really look at this - as Hells has mentioned you have only been together a short time. This shocks me as I would expect these behaviours years down the line. Things do not look good at all and I would not want my precious daughter to be with a man like this!

Bob19701 · 19/05/2017 10:48

Agree with the previous posts and read them carefully this man is playing with your mind , he makes a big drama out of something in your past that is nothing to do with him and forgives you for it ?
I have a nephew who was still born but I would never judge anyone for making the decision to terminate a pregnancy that is there decision to make .

The issue here is the 'sleeping' with a single female friend when he could have quite easily slept in another bed or even the sofa.
If you had spent the day saying how gorgeous your single male friend was and then shared a bed with him what would your dp say to that would it be fine ?

I am a man and know guys who play games like this and brag about it to friends and colleagues about how great they are keeping women on a string it's disgusting and controlling behaviour.

Don't sell yourself short for this man end it for you and find someone else who will love and respect you both.

MartinaMartini · 19/05/2017 11:04

He's certainly well rehearsed in the art of distraction! Don't lose focus on the issue here....he shared a bed with another woman!

HundredMilesAnHour · 19/05/2017 11:20

The sharing a bed is very dodgy and definitely a massive red flag.

I've shared beds with quite a few male friends, especially when we were younger and had less money/fewer options/late night drinking was involved. But, never if they're in a relationship as even though our bed sharing is innocent, I wouldn't want their partner to be in the position you're in now. I have one very close friend (whose bed I always shared when I stayed with him - we've always lived in different cities/countries) and we're still good friends now 25 years after meeting. But now he's married, I would never dream of sharing his bed! And I'm sure he wouldn't dream of it either. We're used to seeing each other in various states of undress but no more. We both cover up. It's just respectful to his wife and their relationship.

I really do think you need a serious conversation with him about this. He's distracted you well but you need to get an explanation from him. Or are you worried that there's no acceptable explanation (must admit that I can't think of one) and this could be a death knoll for your relationship?

wiselyvanilla · 19/05/2017 11:42

I asked where he was from as your story sounds very similar to a friend's experience.
She has dated a couple of men, that would think nothing of trartong her the same way. It was also totally acceptable in their culture unfortunately. Smile

Original poster
Sphygmomanometer · 19/05/2017 12:53

We're in England but I'd rather not be more specific than that as some of this could be quite outing!

I still trust him that nothing more happened that them sharing a bed. He is honest often to the point of being blunt and doesn't keep things from me generally even if he knows I wont like what I'm hearing. If something more had happened he would have come clean.

It doesn't take away from the fact that he knew I was uncomfortable to begin with and still allowed that to happen- and for no good reason. He may not have cheated but a line was crossed regardless. If he'd told me they were sitting in the room and both fell asleep I could grasp that better than him following her up to bed, sober, and sleeping beside her.

OP posts: