Sexual harassment uncovered a bigger problem

[StupidSlimyGit]

I had a thread in AIBU about sexual harassment at my work place asking for advice on whether I should take it further and how to do so. The advice I got was amazing and the issue is resolved but, in the investigations it has emerged that my DP has been cheating on me with one of the cleaners where we both work. He has told people we are in an open relationship (we are not and have never discussed one) advised people to send me sexual messages. Original thread is here if anyone wants to read it.

I have a 7 month old baby and I'm still on maternity leave. We have been together for around 4 years. I got with him after I managed to leave a (physically and mentally) abusive relationship. I've got some health issues along with PTSD, anxiety, depression and personality disorder but I've been his carer since we got together because he has some serious MH issues himself.

He doesn't know I know, I'm shaking from head to foot and feel sick, just want to cry. My whole world feels like it has imploded. I can't leave right now, I'm very limited contact with my family who live on the other side of the country and the rest live abroad and don't have many friends because of my MH issues (find it difficult to go out meet people etc). I can't afford my home alone, and he is the only childcare I have for DD because I'm where I am. I cant not go back to work because then i owe them hundreds of pounds in enhanced maternity pay so I'm stuck for at least another 5 months.

Sorry this is rambly i don't really know what I'm asking. Hand holds maybe please?

I'm so sorry, OP. I can't believe your own DP is such a slime ball, too. Cheating and lying in plain sight ... and gaslighting you ... and the audacity to dump you over it!

I remember your previous thread. Hold on tight, plan your survival, and remember that this will all eventually end. You will be well rid of him.

In the meantime, I wouldn't let him take your DD anywhere without you tomorrow. Good luck!

Your company should be paying you off not demanding maternity pay. Speak to ACAS and an employment lawyer. The HR and legal department should be shitting themselves and be doing everything to pay you off quietly. That they aren't suggests that you are not applying the right pressure. ACAS are brilliant.

I'll phone ACAS again Tuesday, they weren't overly helpful before but I suppose it's worth a try.
I'm going to leave with DD first thing in the AM before he wakes up, that way I should be long gone and he won't be able to "remind me" he wanted to take her out. If he does by some miracle wake up in time my friend has agreed to phone me and make a fuss about me bringing dd out with us so I have an excuse without confronting him. Till I have somewhere else I can go I really don't want to have that conversation.

He's still claiming they are only friends

... yet she is referring to your child as HER new DD.

Oh yes I second the screenshot and telling him in NO uncertain terms that he is not to return to your home and that the park outing is 100% cancelled.

The nerve of her!

I hope your having a lovely time with your friend.

A lot of us here are thinking about you and sending you strength to get through this awful time.

I'm glad you have some support. Please don't be afraid to reach out (I hate that term but it's not too bad here) you might be surprised about those who will help.

In terms of your ExP and colleagues - it really isn't you, it's them. You are awesome, don't forget about it.

How did this morning go?

Thankyou again everyone, the weather has been glorious and we just had a lovely day mooching round our local parks/down the side of the local river eating fish and chips and icecream
I left the house at 7:45 and he didn't bother texting so I don't know or care frankly whether they still met up, DD was with me which is what mattered to me.
Got home at gone 8:30 and he went to bed when I walked in. Can't say I was disappointed.
I've actually had a really lovely relaxing day and I think the sunshine/good company has really helped me feel brighter. My friend is actually the same age as my mother and has today told me she thinks of me like an adopted DD. I hadn't contacted her because she had so much going on right now I honestly didn't think she would want to/have time to help. Talking through this all with a "proper grown up" (I really don't feel like one sometimes most of the time ) and having her offer to support me whatever choices I make has really helped.

I am not going to allow them to take the life I've built from me.
I'm keeping my job with my head held high. If that makes them uncomfortable then they can fucking move.
I'm staying here in this beautiful place where I feel safe not running off as if I was the one who did something wrong.
I'm going to get through this and I'm going to be stronger for it. maybe if I repeat this often enough it'll sink in?

Marvellous..... YOU are marvellous. Don't ever forget that - even on your darkest day, you're MARVELLOUS.

Really pleased today was a good one.

Clever girl your winning well done you stay strong I'm proud of MN any of you

I'm glad you found comfort and support in your friend. I read your other thread but missed the recent updates. Horrified for you!

You stay strong in the place you are comfortable and confident.

I confronted him about his relationship with her this morning and he has admitted that they are going out together Sunday but nothing before we split up I've not bothered arguing over it. He did try saying he was taking DD with him but I've made it crystal clear that while this is all going on he is taking her out nowhere on his own as I can't trust that she wont be there. She has not yet told her bf that she doesn't want to be with him according to xdp staying out of that one!
Thankyou for the support everyone, it really does help.

You are amazing Hang on in there x

Well done.

You keep on taking back control and getting your power back.

Fuck any of them (at work or in your personal life) who makes you feel small or deserving of bad treatment.

He has caused this 1000 times over so he must face the consequences and repercussions of treating you so very badly and breaking your trust.

I know it's horrible just now but in a couple of years once you have settled into your new life with your beautiful child and the fuckers are your past instead of your present you will be grateful that your not shackled to the life sucking arse holes you've been stuck with until now.

Do you know what, you are rising to the challenge magnificently! A new, empowered you is being born. Slimy gits of the world can go swivel.

Well done you. It's fantastic that you're finding your inner strength.

It's fantastic that your friend has told you she would pick to be your mum. That says a lot for what a nice person you are.

Thankyou so much everyone for all of your support. I've found a pattern that works for me and DD. We loaded the pram up (DD is my PFB, I took something for every eventuality) and went to a lovely park again today. We've sat under the trees in the shade enjoying the beautiful weather all day. DD has been a very happy settled baby all day, sat on her blanket (in 5* UVA factor 50+ sun cream and a huge floppy hat) playing with her toys and I've got some of my cross stitch done. We had a picnic (and DD has guzzled what feels like 100 bottles) and come home when the sun began to set.
I'm going to start doing things outside with her every day. My MH feels better and she is so much more settled for having been in the sun, I even have a tiny bit of a tan
I'm not going to try and cut short my tenancy here before October, although it might be possible it would be incredibly difficult and I'm sure we can last till then.

ExDP has demanded to know where we were all day and I've told him. Nothing to hide! But otherwise I've kept contact to very simple replies to direct questions and stayed quiet otherwise, I think he's given up trying to wind me up now as he's sulking silently. Not letting him provoke me!

Thankyou so so so much for your kind words, support and advice, I can't believe how much better I feel now than I did when this all kicked off. You have all contributed to helping me more than you know

What a lovely way to spend a day! Long may the weather continue for you.

You could say he's being generous in letting you outsource your sulking - oh wait is that a tiny violin?

Glad to see the sunnier weather has led to a sunnier mood. Here's hoping that when you get back to work you can do so with your head held high.
I hope that the changes that will happen over the next few months seem a bit less daunting.

Great. It's wonderful that you're getting out into the fresh air and the exercise will do wonders for your MH too.

OP I read your first thread but missed the second and am sorry you are still in an awful situation. Just wanted to tell you how great a mum you are, continuing to patiently care for your DD and showing her how much you enjoy her company. Simple pleasures are often the best and it's good to be able to appreciate unhurried time together before you need to return to work.
FWIW as a retired professional in a relevant field, I think it's entirely inappropriate for your DD to be introduced to a random GF of your exP.
No Family Court would support your exP in this.
Good luck.

Just sneaking back in here because I'm really struggling tonight. My MH feels a lot worse this last few days and seeing my psychiatrist today has made it worse. I explained everything that's happened to him and completely broke down, spent most of my appointment sobbing. He just said I've been so strong for so long I shouldn't let him break me like this. But that's the point isn't it. I have to be strong and keep going but I'm sick of being the strong one who does everything. I'm sick of everyone thinking I'm coping fine when inside everything hurts, physically and emotionally. Just feel utterly rubbish.

He wants me to take part in a local freedom project, he's given me the number to call to join, but I don't know if I can face it. Does anyone know if you are allowed to take kids with you to these? I can't go if not, it would only start a massive row and I can't face the arguments.

Why can't I just get a happy family for once? Feels like there's something wrong with me, everyone cheats or leaves or makes me run. Just so fed up tonight, can't cope at all.

You have been so strong and dealt with the situation with class. I know, from experience, that although talking about things can be cathartic sometimes by saying the words out loud you can realise how fucked up things are and, for a temporary time, can make you feel worse. Things will get better. Did you manage to speak to your landlord about taking your name off the tenancy?

Some people are just selfish bastards and think they can get away with crap. Let him crack on he may soon realise that she's not all that and when you move out and she's not bothered anymore how much of a fuckwit he is.

I'm sorry, I'mnog sure if you can take children, hopefully, someone with more knowledge will be able to tell you. Alternatively, ring the number your psychiatrist gave you? If the answer is no they might be able to suggest something? Obviously, this is just an assumption but you probably will be able to considering the nature of the Freedom Project

He wants me to take part in a local freedom project, he's given me the number to call to join, but I don't know if I can face it.

This is the most important thing you can you for you and your dc's future health op - please do everything you can to go - it may completely change your life.

Make the phone call, OP. Ask.

You'll be ok, you'll get through this.