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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexual harassment uncovered a bigger problem

79 replies

StupidSlimyGit · 15/05/2017 21:31

I had a thread in AIBU about sexual harassment at my work place asking for advice on whether I should take it further and how to do so. The advice I got was amazing and the issue is resolved but, in the investigations it has emerged that my DP has been cheating on me with one of the cleaners where we both work. He has told people we are in an open relationship (we are not and have never discussed one) advised people to send me sexual messages. Original thread is here if anyone wants to read it.

I have a 7 month old baby and I'm still on maternity leave. We have been together for around 4 years. I got with him after I managed to leave a (physically and mentally) abusive relationship. I've got some health issues along with PTSD, anxiety, depression and personality disorder but I've been his carer since we got together because he has some serious MH issues himself.

He doesn't know I know, I'm shaking from head to foot and feel sick, just want to cry. My whole world feels like it has imploded. I can't leave right now, I'm very limited contact with my family who live on the other side of the country and the rest live abroad and don't have many friends because of my MH issues (find it difficult to go out meet people etc). I can't afford my home alone, and he is the only childcare I have for DD because I'm where I am. I cant not go back to work because then i owe them hundreds of pounds in enhanced maternity pay so I'm stuck for at least another 5 months.

Sorry this is rambly i don't really know what I'm asking. Hand holds maybe please?

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 17/05/2017 16:44

Do not engage.
technically he is now your house share.
Down tools you are not his partner/mother/skivvy. Let him clean and cook for himself.
Tell him nowt. Find out from CAB if you are entitled to any benefits as a single parent. Child support from him--keep it official.
Do you have a spare room/share a room with DD??
Lock and keep all your paperwork safe including bankcards. This twat is not your friend.
Do you have any RL support.can you get away for a few days??

You have no need to discuss anything with him now apart from DD.
If he starts any conversations a simple "l know everything" will suffice

NettleTea · 17/05/2017 16:56

In regards not going back to work - speak to ACAS again - you may have a case that everything that has happened, along with your pre-work exsiting MGH issues means that its untenable - all the rumours spread, all the trouble and gossip. It might be worth them writing all the money off, or you could go for something called 'constructive dismissal' (I think thats what it is called) which means that the situiation has been allowed to get so out of hand that you have no way of being able to go back.

BTW Tax credits are your friend if you do work - they will cover a large part of the childcare

NettleTea · 17/05/2017 16:56

and do you get PIP/ESA etc

CrystalMethHog · 17/05/2017 20:26

Sorry I don't have any thing more to had but I'm sorry you're going through this Flowers

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 17/05/2017 22:03

I can share my DDs room and I have a safe box that locks but no, no support in RL. I'm not talking to him about anything other than DDs care, couldn't face it if I wanted to, don't know if I'd scream or cry but I do know from past experience I wont be ablt to stop when I start.

CAB seemed to think that I would only get £2-£3 ph towards childcare, so with the amount I would have to top it up I couldn't afford rent and bills and food ontop.

I am currently on PIP, just been reassessed and won it back at mandatory reconsideration so its stable for the next 2 years.

Thankyou again for the support. DD has been unsettled all day and I spent most of last night awake so I'm going to try to get an early night tonight. At least going to keep an eye on her gives me an excuse.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 17/05/2017 22:11

with PIP will you not get an enhanced tax credit payment? Do you get ESA? have you gone onto the 'entitled to' website to see what you may get rather than rely on CAB? also dont forget to factor in child maintanence
Id certainly speak to ACAS regarding the situation with constructive dismissal, I think you have pretty good grounds

TokenGinger · 17/05/2017 22:51

OP, if you don't return to work you have (I think) five years to pay the mat leave back in instalments. Usually around £15 a week. A friend of mine did this and decided just to make the minimum payment each week for a few years until it was paid.

If you can get him to leave or you go elsewhere, you can apply either for a council house or private rented house (you might need to get your name off the current lease). As you work part time, you'll be entitled to housing benefit, working tax credits, child tax credits and child benefit. In addition, as a part time worker, you can claim childcare support which pays 70% of the costs of childcare whilst you're at work.

Plenty do this alone and survive. Be strong and fuck him off. Prick.

inlectorecumbit · 18/05/2017 19:05

how are you stupid
you are not stupid please change your name

walmo · 18/05/2017 19:08

I'm hoping the OP's name is a reference to her STBX.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 19/05/2017 09:44

Sorry for not replying yesterday I couldn't get mumsnet to work. I've got an appointment with the housing people at my local council next week to see what my options are.
Struggling a lot if I'm honest, can't sleep and have no appetite. Fed up of the whole fucking thing.
inlectorecrumbit I name changed for the thread about the sexual harassment, my name was in reference to the git who started this mess. Thankyou though.

OP posts:
Nowwhatsthis · 19/05/2017 10:44

Oh, what a shit storm. Stay strong and I hope you manage to find new housing, maybe also a new job, and to put all of this behind you. You need to get away from all of these toxic people.

GeekLove · 19/05/2017 10:57

SSG It might not be a bad idea to let HR know that you are in transition with accommodation - you would be better able to keep on working if they are aware and can support you as is appropriate.

It is possible you could be transferred to another branch someplace else? If you haven't any support network then you don't have any ties to worry about either.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 19/05/2017 23:07

Little one is finally asleep, she's got a cold and she's really struggling, not sleeping, waking all the time etc.
Can I just be utterly pathetic tonight. He's at work so I'm alone. Can't stop crying. I know I have no support and therefore it seems like no ties but I'm used to this place, I can do my shopping without a support worker with me because I'm used to it, I can open the door to a postman without having a panic attack, I don't want to start again, how dare they take this from me!?! I spent 18 months after my daughter died unable to leave my home, ever, went a week without eating at one point because noone could do my shopping and I couldn't open the door to the delivery guy from supermarket, another six months before I started working, I made that ruddy shithole a safe place, worked and worked till I could walk in there and do my job. I could face the colleagues and customers and even felt like I had made friends and the fucking bastards have taken it. Because of these arseholes I have to move and start again, try to learn somewhere new is safe. Try to learn how to do it all alone for my daughter.
I know I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up but tonight can I just cry. I'm so sick of this

OP posts:
finnmcool · 20/05/2017 00:27

You can do this!
I started a thread and I was told The Most Brilliant Thing!
In my story I didn't get to be the princess, I got to be the hero! I saved someone and that someone was myself!!!
Maybe talk to your GP for support and signposting for support?
You are braver and stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 20/05/2017 09:53

Sorry, I was having a really bad night last night and with little one being so poorly with this damn cold it completely tipped me over the edge. Every time she is ill it just brings everything to the front again and I can't help but be terrified I'm going to lose her. It's just a cold but her sister had"nothing serious" according to the doctors and she's gone.
That ontop of everything with these boys (will not call them men, men don't behave like this) just completely messed with my head.
Thankyou for replying, I appreciate the support Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 20/05/2017 09:55

I'm seeing my MH team every three weeks so I do have as much support from the nhs as I'm going to get. Sorry I forgot to say

OP posts:
QuinoaKeen · 20/05/2017 14:49

You will get through this 💐. You are strong and you and your DD will be better off.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 21/05/2017 17:28

She's just fucking posted on fb and tagged him in it that they are going for coffee tomorrow and she "finally" gets to meet her "new daughter". She has me blocked but someone from work has screen grabbed the post and sent it to me. He told me yesterday evening he was planning on taking DD to the park tomorrow if the weather was good. I'm furious, how dare they. A) not her daughter, not even her step daughter. B) I usually take her out on Mondays with a friend who I see once a week. C) if they are going to try and have a proper relationship surely you don't meet each others kids this early?
Would it be completely unreasonable of me to "forget" his trip to the park and take DD out for the day tomorrow before he gets up so he cannot take her to meet the stupid cow?

OP posts:
Motherdick · 21/05/2017 17:49

No it wouldn't be unreasonable. State under no uncertain terms ow cannot meet your daughter until they are in a proven long lasting relationship or if/when you are happy. She sounds very immature, take your DD out tomorrow as usual. Sending you massive hugs Flowers

MadamePomfrey · 21/05/2017 17:55

I'd go a lot further than that!! I'd text him the screen shot and tell him you hope tha explains why he will find his stuff out on the street! Chain the door and let her deal with the pathetic excuse for a man!! 😡😡 but definitely take your dd out as normal tomorrow you shouldn't miss out on anything for them!

louisejxxx · 21/05/2017 18:03

Is she 16 or something? She sounds completely immature to be posting things like that. Surely she is only saying things like that for an audience, otherwise why say it at all? I'm angry for you op Angry

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 21/05/2017 18:54

She's almost a year younger than me but we are both mid twenties. She has two children of her own so I don't even know why she's grabbing onto my DD. "new daughter" is I think what has got me the most. DD doesn't even call me mommy yet and here's this other woman who's helped tear my life apart who wants my DD to call her mom Angry
I don't really want to start a confrontation with him over it as I think I might well say things I don't mean or completely lose it and I don't want to do that infront of DD even if she's only a few months old.
He never usually takes her out on his own so if I "forget" his plan it wont seem unusual and he knows where me and my friend go on a Monday so if it is because he actually wants to spend time with DD then he can come see her but not with the OW. My friend will 100% support me with this.
He didn't ask me to miss out on our meet up just to let him have dd instead of me taking her with me. We haven't had our weekly meet up for a few months tho and I'm really looking forward to it plus I know she would be disappointed to not see DD.

I think I need to sit down with him, and maybe her Angry and have a long talk about some ground rules because I want to stay calm for DD but I'm really struggling. Swinging between sobbing uncontrollably and wanting to kick someone's teeth in.

OP posts:
louisejxxx · 21/05/2017 18:59

Does he still not even know that you know? He doesn't seem to be doing a lot to hide what's going on now.

Original poster
StupidSlimyGit · 21/05/2017 19:09

He's still claiming they are only friends and my friends at work are making them both miserable by insinuating things. I suspect he knows I know but he is still adamant they are friends only. I haven't spoken more than probably ten works to him since I found out. I know I'm being a wimp but I just can't face the confrontation Blush

OP posts:
mikeyssister · 21/05/2017 19:24

Take your DD with you. He doesn't get to play his games with a baby.