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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New boyfriend....hmmmm.....

110 replies

CokeZero · 15/05/2017 11:26

Bear with me, I've never posted here before!
I've come out of a very long term relationship (18 years) and have started seeing somebody new. Very early days - couple months in.

Now. I really like him and he's made it clear he feels the same. We've been pretty much inseparable since getting together and I have met friends and some of his family already!! Just how it's panned out.

I'm never usually paranoid (promise). But there's something just not sitting right and I wanted some opinions .... whether I'm being crazy basically....
the main issue is He is VERY secretive with his phone. Now I'm not sure if it's just because I was used to the complete opposite with my old partner .... but it's the usual case of - always turns on silent when with me, never leaves it in a room if he's not in it, phone screen is never visible if reading messages, god forbid if I was to see the screen whilst he was on it!
I don't even want to, but it's the feeling of being secretive that I hate. He is on social media but I am not so can't have a look on there...

However, everything else is perfect.

I am useless at seeing red flags and listening to my gut as been with one person pretty much my whole life! But obviously this is not something I am prepared to bring up with him as such early days! Blush

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/05/2017 20:16

No one can predict what a virtual stranger will or won't do though.

Have you ever said 'no' to him?

It sounds like he is monopolizing your time, but then turns around and treats you rather rudely to your face with his prioritizing his phone over you. Those two things do not add up. Therefor, yes, red flag.

I described a set of relationship dynamics that may or may not apply to your circumstances, (at this time). But be on the look out-it is way too soon to be "all in" with a new man. The ones on brief knowledge hook ups succeeding long term are just lucky, imho.
If you thought that was your story, Coke, then I doubt you'd have posted here.

How do you think people find themselves in abusive relationships: it doesn't start out that way , that's how.

ICESTAR · 15/05/2017 20:55

I take my phone with me about always even into bathroom but I'm not cheating? My partner can go on my phone whenever. I just like to go on it!

Kittencatkins123 · 15/05/2017 22:24

My phone is password protected. I always have it on me because I'm always on shitting mumsnet But I will have it out on the table so he can see it as nothing to hide. When you say 'god forbid you ever see it' - what do you mean? Does he get defensive about it?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/05/2017 22:54

Phone issue, otherwise perfect.
Then
Good and the bad... That would be back tracking somewhat, Coke.
So what are the bad bits?

LellyMcKelly · 16/05/2017 02:31

Both mine and my DP's phone are password/fingerprint protected. I don't know his, and he doesn't know mine - all that was set up and done before we met. However, we don't have problems leaving them lying around or seeing notifications, and we often show each other articles or pics, and are Facebook, Instagram and Twitter friends. He has no problem letting my son play Pokemon on his phone whenever we are out and about. We have no problem letting each other use the other phone for a call, or a map when the other is driving. If your gut is telling you something then you might want to ask him why he is being so secretive.

PerspicaciaTick · 16/05/2017 03:00

I've been with my DH for 30 years and I don't expect him to start faffing with my phone. Nor do I think I have some sort of right to rifle through his phone.
You've been together a couple of months, right? So leave his phone alone.

Original poster
CokeZero · 16/05/2017 19:23

AndTheBand - yes I have said no to him and he's fine. I think my original post made it seem as if he is always on his phone when he's with me. He's not at all. But on the occasions he does check it or does read/reply to a message the cover is up so the screen can't be seen. Sometimes I feel as if he has to wait til He's not sat next to me to use it which is what bothers me. HmmMaybe I'm just overthinking it and am just used to the opposite of this
He's been honest about his past - he does have some baggage which I won't go into because don't want it to be identifiable but he doesn't speak badly of exes and doesn't try to portray himself as perfect by any means

OP posts:
fedupandnogin · 16/05/2017 19:42

Do you think part of your suspicions might be to do with what he's revealed about his past as well as his current actions?

Original poster
CokeZero · 16/05/2017 19:52

I Don't think so fedupandnogin! There isn't anything related to his past that might make me question if he's a decent guy or not

OP posts:
usernoidea · 16/05/2017 19:56

Why don't you just mention it to him? What are you afraid of by talking to him about this if you're imagination is running wild......? I'm sure there's a simple explanation x

Violetcharlotte · 16/05/2017 20:01

I can't believe anyone wouldn't password protect their phone. If you lose it, and it's unlocked then anyone can access all your stuff!

However taking his phone with he leaves the room and generally being protective over it would make me suspicious.

ImpetuousBride · 16/05/2017 20:16

Password protecting is fine. Phone on silent - fine. Taking phone along - fine, but not every single time you leave a room! All of the above combined with the fact that you never ever see his screen because of how he covers it/positions himself = major red flag IMO.

Sounds like he doesn't want you to know when his phone rings - because he wouldn't want to pick it up in your presence and if he doesn't you will probably ask questions. Doesn't want you to even get a glimpse of messages or anything on his screen. Of course you could ask him but he'll probably deny it's done on purpose. Keep being vigilant and don't fall too hard until you feel sure you can trust him.

Original poster
CokeZero · 16/05/2017 21:00

Thank you! That's exactly what I'm doing. The wait and see game ...... trying not to fall in the meantime

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 16/05/2017 23:17
  1. "If his phone is passworded he's cheating, always" What ever monumental fuckery happened in your life to come up with that (not OP) please get counselling. I have a dual sim phone and one is all work related. I am compelled by company policy to have my phone password on. FFS.
  1. DP and I have our phones with us constantly. Its quite ridiculous really but we are perfectly matched in that regard so its all good. DP gets contacts and calls from all around the world (friends and family) and I am a news/information addict. Its not a bad thing.
  1. Privacy a few months in a relationship is to be expected. I am always concerned that the women who demand to know and see everything about their new DPs are setting themselves up for a fall. After all, surely they are giving all their passwords and letting their new partners see their phones all the time (and who wants to do that). If they are not doing that, then they are terrible hypocrites.
anxiousnow · 17/05/2017 00:21

Op does he ever show you anything on his phone, anything a meme or photo or is it as if he would be worried about message might pop up?

Original poster
CokeZero · 17/05/2017 09:55

He has shown me things on it before, a video and a photo but surely a message wouldn't pop up in about 10 seconds! So never thought anything of that

OP posts:
Havalina · 17/05/2017 10:11

I would trust your gut. You just know when somebody is being sketchy with their phone. Mine even gave me the passcode, I didnt look for a long time.....took the highroad.

Would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I had looked sooner/trusted my instincts.

Original poster
CokeZero · 17/05/2017 10:18

Exactly Havalina .... oh dear. I think I know what my gut is telling me.... the fact I even had to go as far as to write a post on here so early on isn't a good sign either!

Back to the dating scene me thinks .....

OP posts:
WaitingYetAgain · 17/05/2017 14:48

I read a thing recently that said: if you find yourself playing detective on a guy when dating then basically it's not right.

In my case, I had to figure out whether I was playing detective because of my baggage/insecurities/habits following an abusive relationship or whether it was truly the guy I was dating's behaviour that was really suspicious/a true red flag. So with a new guy, one time his behaviour triggered a pattern of behaviour in me that was a remnant of being in an abusive dynamic, rather than him doing anything dodgy. I didn't feel the need to play detective again once I realised that. I was so used to being suspicious and being lied to/cheated on, that I automatically assumed the worst and fell back into old habits of spying/checking etc.

I think you should be able to discuss phones casually with him, especially if you feel uncomfortable about it.

During the course of a conversation, my (non-abusive) BF told me that his ex and him had an open phone policy. Neither phone was locked and they would freely use or access each other's, if necessary, to make a quick call or text or whatever. Sadly, she did actually cheat on him and he found out (by seeing a message) when he went to use her phone as his battery had died or whatever.

Whereas, my ex was the pure opposite. He was very cagey with his phone and his emails and some other internet usage. So for example, if he was reading emails, I wasn't allowed to be in a position to look over his shoulder or to the side at them. When I say 'allowed', I mean his body language was such that it was obvious and once or twice when I accidentally may have glanced at them he flew off the handle in a totally disproportionate way and went mad. This was because he was always up to something shady! He was hiding a lot of skeletons, dodgy and deceptive things.

So I certainly would be wary of someone being like that in the future. I don't think it necessarily means the person is doing something bad, as it may just be a habit to be glued to it, but if you asked to use it and he was all cagey or defensive or whatever then I'd take a dim view of it if I were you.

Original poster
CokeZero · 17/05/2017 14:54

Completely agree with your post Waiting. I'm so used to being suspicious and paranoid that I think I do it instinctively anyway even if somebody hasn't given me a real reason to. Hence why I posted here, to see what others thought!

OP posts:
greedygorb · 17/05/2017 15:44

I have a very good friend (guy) who does this. Phone everywhere, always hiding screen etc. Now he's not cheating on me because we're just friends but he is very secretive in general about everything. He compartmentalizes a lot. I wouldn't like to be his gf. He's lovely in other ways but I don't think the secretive thing would ever change.

Ohyesiam · 17/05/2017 15:59

I don't like people trading my messages over my shoulder, but am not a cheat.
Went don't you ask him about it, and if he can't be more relaxed with his phone, then you have your answer.

ScabbyHorse · 17/05/2017 16:47

can you ask him if you can use his phone, say yours has broken or something, and see what his reaction is?

usernoidea · 26/05/2017 17:25

Hope you've managed to have "the chat" op? X

Original poster
CokeZero · 28/05/2017 08:01

I have!
He's been much better recently - he didn't realise he was even doing it apparently. Thank you for your replies x

OP posts:
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