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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New boyfriend....hmmmm.....

110 replies

CokeZero · 15/05/2017 11:26

Bear with me, I've never posted here before!
I've come out of a very long term relationship (18 years) and have started seeing somebody new. Very early days - couple months in.

Now. I really like him and he's made it clear he feels the same. We've been pretty much inseparable since getting together and I have met friends and some of his family already!! Just how it's panned out.

I'm never usually paranoid (promise). But there's something just not sitting right and I wanted some opinions .... whether I'm being crazy basically....
the main issue is He is VERY secretive with his phone. Now I'm not sure if it's just because I was used to the complete opposite with my old partner .... but it's the usual case of - always turns on silent when with me, never leaves it in a room if he's not in it, phone screen is never visible if reading messages, god forbid if I was to see the screen whilst he was on it!
I don't even want to, but it's the feeling of being secretive that I hate. He is on social media but I am not so can't have a look on there...

However, everything else is perfect.

I am useless at seeing red flags and listening to my gut as been with one person pretty much my whole life! But obviously this is not something I am prepared to bring up with him as such early days!

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2017 12:24

No super red flag here yet but I'd absolutely definitely check him out on social media - be daft not to really. Others can advise on how best to do that!

And I'd watch the phone thing. It's early days but just keep an eye on it - password is normal, super paranoia is not - if it doesn't lessen as you get more comfy with one another, I'd be suspicious.

How are other behaviours, do you know his friends, is he sharing his life in a non-paranoid way in other respects?

QuietNameChange · 15/05/2017 12:24

If his phone is passworded he's cheating, always.

My phone is passworded. I've never cheated...

chickpeaburger · 15/05/2017 12:26

I thought all phones were passworded incase they got lost

Goldfishjane · 15/05/2017 12:29

my phone is passworded

and someone giving you the password is no use because if they're cheating they'll blithely tell you it and then change it

or they have a separate phone anyway.

Kokusai · 15/05/2017 12:29

If his phone is passworded he's cheating, always.

That is just complete bollcks.

Everyone should password their phone.

Many people use their work phone and there is a requirement for it to have a password and that it isn't to be used by anyone else.

OnionKnight · 15/05/2017 12:31

Me and my wife both have passwords on our phones, are we both cheating?

TheNaze73 · 15/05/2017 12:32

If his phone is passworded he's cheating, always

Utter bollocks

nauticant · 15/05/2017 12:36

If his phone is passworded he's cheating, always.

I think it's ridiculous taking your phone whilst leaving the room!

Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 15/05/2017 12:38

Always trust your gut. If you're already having doubts, nip it in the bud.

yetmorecrap · 15/05/2017 12:41

My H is like this but I do know his password, he also has always been a big 'deleter ' however following a check after something not nice I can see that he deletes everything and it's mother, even mine , some people just have habits that way , turn face down, delete, cart it everywhere, my son is same

Gooseygoosey12345 · 15/05/2017 12:43

Quite honestly you've described me in your OP and I'm not cheating on anyone. I have nothing to hide, in fact my OH would probably think I was really boring if he looked at my phone (he knows my password and I know his but never felt the need to look). I wouldn't put too much on that if he's trustworthy normally

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/05/2017 12:46

I read this and thought, OP trust your gut.

However. It's early days. Maybe he still feels the need for a layer of personal privacy? Whereas a long time DP might say there's nothing he wouldn't want to share with you.

If otoh your boyfriend starts behaving sketchily eg being uncontactable all of a sudden or acting distant or cancels dates at short notice then that would definitely spell something is wrong.

PeachyPip · 15/05/2017 12:46

I can't think of anyone I know who doesn't have a password protected phone except for my Mum who is 85. 😂

I'm quite secretive (private?) about my phone - I wouldn't want people reading my crappy posts on MN.

Judydreamsofhorses · 15/05/2017 12:47

My partner and I both have password protected phones - I honestly don't know anyone who doesn't. I agree with others saying to trust your gut, but I wholly disagree that someone who has a passcode or their phone on silent is automatically cheating. (Mine is always on silent, because I'm a teacher and generally forget to switch the ringer on/off so it's just easier.)

CheersMedea · 15/05/2017 12:51

If his phone is passworded he's cheating, always.

Presumably this poster really means, if you married/de facto married and your partner won't give you his password, he is cheating?

As people have said, most phones are passworded for security.

The real question is whether someone is open or closed with their phone with you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2017 12:53

Dh protects both his phones (work/personal) with passwords. I can well imagine he doesn't want you seeing everything about his life just yet. The relationship is new. Or perhaps he has an ex, family member etc, who sends him crazy messages. Perhaps you could tell him how you feel and reassure him you will respect his privacy.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/05/2017 12:54

Go back to what Brie and Gerbil said.
Being inseparable and "perfect together" so early in may indicate he is mirroring you to make himself agreeable to you. He may not be 100% sincere. That perfectness would be a bit of a red flag to me, although I do admit to being a cynical one.

And do trust your gut. If he is secret with his phone in front of you, repeatedly...well, that's be just rude to make you invisible in person while prioritizing someone who isn't there over you. Red flag, no doubt there.

The password thing is a red herring.

GabsAlot · 15/05/2017 12:56

the taking it every room is a bit ott but leeaving it on silent isnt my dh always has it on mute which drives me mad if im out and ring him

he says coz he does it in work then forgts fair enough

u can still look on social media even if u dont join in if u get my drift

Hissy · 15/05/2017 12:58

good grief, some over reaction here..

HOWEVER... instinct is instinct - listen to it.

this is what stood out to me:

the main issue is He is VERY secretive with his phone.
always turns on silent when with me that's potentially a sign of respect somehow as nobody wants to hear loads of notifications...

never leaves it in a room if he's not in it - hmm... there's the flag that's a little reddish..

phone screen is never visible if reading messages, god forbid if I was to see the screen whilst he was on it! -- and here now comes the marching band with loads of red flags unfurling.

Describe the 'god forbid' moment... he is getting messages/notifications and actively replying/interacting but reacts badly if you happen to see the screen?

I think at the first stage it's important for you to understand why he is so nervous about you seeing the messages or what he's doing?

I do have a password, as does my boyf, and my son etc etc. I do have people text me, and depending on who they are, i do reply and interact, and boyf knows. There is nothing I'm doing that needs hiding. I leave my phone downstairs at night when I'm asleep, ditto the iPad.

What is disturbing is the attitude this guy is displaying.

seadragonusgiganticusmaximus · 15/05/2017 13:01

@ about three-quarters of the posters on the thread

Do you think it is possible that ThisIsStarting's comment If his phone is passworded he's cheating, always might have been tongue in cheek?

No?

Must just be me then

usernoidea · 15/05/2017 13:01

Why don't you just have a chat to him about it? If he's a keeper he won't mind x good luck.

Original poster

CokeZero · 15/05/2017 13:02

Thanks ladies - wasn't expecting so many replies!
Hmmmmm.... think it may be a case of wait and see for now. Can completely appreciate him wanting privacy and am hoping it may just be that. But if not then looks like I may be single again soon!

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 15/05/2017 13:04

Presumably this poster really means, if you married/de facto married and your partner won't give you his password, he is cheating?

I do wonder about this, I mean I would give my passcode to my wife if she insisted but aren't we all entitled to a bit of privacy? I don't know her passcode.

PuertoVallarta · 15/05/2017 13:04

I am not cheating but I would be loathe to let a guy I'm dating for two months look at my phone. NOBODY needs to read my google searches or my private conversations with my friends. There is NO reason for another adult to look at my phone.

That doesn't mean your guy isn't dodgy. He may well be. It's a risk we take every time we get involved. All I'm saying is, I'm 100% not into other guys and I still keep my phone hidden and attached to me.

PeachyPip · 15/05/2017 13:08

We've been pretty much inseparable since getting together

Whatever you do I always think it's a good idea to take things slowly. Surely there is no need to rush things. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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