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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New boyfriend....hmmmm.....

110 replies

CokeZero · 15/05/2017 11:26

Bear with me, I've never posted here before!
I've come out of a very long term relationship (18 years) and have started seeing somebody new. Very early days - couple months in.

Now. I really like him and he's made it clear he feels the same. We've been pretty much inseparable since getting together and I have met friends and some of his family already!! Just how it's panned out.

I'm never usually paranoid (promise). But there's something just not sitting right and I wanted some opinions .... whether I'm being crazy basically....
the main issue is He is VERY secretive with his phone. Now I'm not sure if it's just because I was used to the complete opposite with my old partner .... but it's the usual case of - always turns on silent when with me, never leaves it in a room if he's not in it, phone screen is never visible if reading messages, god forbid if I was to see the screen whilst he was on it!
I don't even want to, but it's the feeling of being secretive that I hate. He is on social media but I am not so can't have a look on there...

However, everything else is perfect.

I am useless at seeing red flags and listening to my gut as been with one person pretty much my whole life! But obviously this is not something I am prepared to bring up with him as such early days! Blush

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/05/2017 13:08

Coke

Was it only a short period of time between your relationship ending and this one starting?.

Please for your sake enrol on and complete the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

I would think that everything else is "perfect" because he is mirroring you.

You are still very much vulnerable and this man you are now with has taken full advantage of this. His behaviour is full of red flags and you write yourself that you are useless at seeing these. That is my flag regarding you; your boundaries are way too low and full of holes. TBH if this is what it is like now its really not good at all.

Justawaterformeplease · 15/05/2017 13:12

Seadragon, I assumed it was tongue-in-cheek, too!

DarkFloodRises · 15/05/2017 13:14

IMO:
always turns on silent when with me - normal
never leaves it in a room if he's not in it - bit odd
phone screen is never visible if reading messages - not normal

So if you're sitting next to each other on the sofa and he gets a message he literally turns away from you to read it?

GoodDayToYou · 15/05/2017 13:16

I think your focus here should be on how you feel and it sounds like you're uncomfortable. I would listen to that first.

Phone on silent when with you is polite but why's he on it so much when he's with you? That's quite rude. As is not involving you in what he's looking at whilst he's with you. Don't be afraid to ask him what he's looking at.

LizzieMacQueen · 15/05/2017 13:18

Did you met online?

My guess would be that he's not disengaged his dating apps and is worried you'll find out.

robinia · 15/05/2017 13:21

Phone on silent - polite, mine is always on silent
Takes it with him - me too or I forget where I've put it
Won't let you see the screen - I can be secretive too, especially when I'm reading MN sex topics or whatever!
However - did you meet him through online dating? If so, he may have a few contacts that he still chats with while he makes up his mind if you're a keeper, or who he is gently disentangling.

robinia · 15/05/2017 13:21

Snap lizzie!

Original poster
CokeZero · 15/05/2017 13:28

Nope we didn't meet online.....
crikey Attila ! When I say perfect I just mean we get on really well and have a great time and there's nothing else that bothers me.. is that a bad thingConfused
He doesnt use it that much when he's with me - but if he was to get a message whilst sat next to me then I wouldn't be able to see (if I was to try to!)

OP posts:
ImogenTubbs · 15/05/2017 13:49

My phone is usually on silent as I use it as an alarm and then forget to switch the volume back on in the mornings. I also usually take it with me when I leave a room but that's just because I love it and am mildly obsessed. It is also passcode protected. I am not cheating. However if DH's phone had run out of battery and he needed to look something up or wanted to take a picture with it I would have no hesitation in letting him use it and giving him the passcode.

Fluffyyellowone · 15/05/2017 14:28

Me and DH have password protected phones but we leave them lying around and know each others passwords. we wouldn't leave them unlocked as 2 are work phones.

I would ask a friend who is on social media to do some digging, see what you think? How did you meet? if online dating then check if he is still active?

Try sending him a message as a joke when he is next to you? something like "ooh this is funny, I will forward this to you" then lean over, this gives you an opportunity to mention that he is very weird about his phone, maybe in a light hearted way, "are you worried that your internet browsing would show you up as a serial killer" or something?

Re meeting family, did he introduce you as his GF?

2 months isn't a long time, I would be cautious, maybe with draw a bit?

ShatnersWig · 15/05/2017 15:18

My phone is password protected. I delete texts unless there is a need to keep them (reference to a meeting or discussions about, say, birthday presents). If I am with someone, I put my phone on silent because it's polite (I have a function on my phone that means it will still ring if a call comes in from selected very important people even if set to silent). I keep my appointments in my phone calendar as I used to with a diary and I'd not let people go through that so what's the difference?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/05/2017 15:43

When I say perfect I just mean we get on really well and have a great time and there's nothing else that bothers me.. is that a bad thing

The thing is, Coke , what you are seeing/experiencing may not be the "real" him. It is too soon to tell. Inseparable, really good time all the time may be his effort to engulf you and get in your nickers . It is love bombing. Feels really good doesn't it? That is addicting. That gets you hooked into the relationship in such an emotional way that it would be hard for you to walk away. Then , the little niggling things start to pop up. You (not necessarily you, but collective you) make excuses and dismiss them.

Then he sees what else you will put up with: boundary testing.
This is where your self respect and self esteem comes into play.
It does take courage to call someone out on these
seemingly petty things, so just do it in a matter of fact, just checking sort of way. A sincere guy will check his behavior and accommodate your boundaries out of respect for you. A player (abuser, user) will row and try to shame you into submission. But when you don't back down, he will be off like a shot to target someone else in 5 minutes. Don't be sad if the bloke dumps you- that is a moment of truth about the real him and you should feel relief at dodging a bullet (and much easier when it is his idea to jog on).

Please read the sticky at the top of this board, Right, Listen Up as a refresher course on relationships. I also recommend keeping a journal of these times you feel an emotional stab from his behavior. As subtle as they can be in the moment, they may add up. Please do not ignore them...those are pings against your mental health, self esteem, and self respect.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/05/2017 15:47

Well, we would hope abuser/user would be off like a shot. Sometimes, they like the challenge and stay and manipulate for sport. Guard your heart, time will tell.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/05/2017 18:07

Cheers Medea that's what I meant thank you. If his phone is password protected and he won't tell you the code then he's cheating

Thephoneywar · 15/05/2017 18:24

I keep my phone with me, take it with me when I leave the room and my dh doesn't know the code. At least I think he doesn't. Honestly I don't trust him not to snoop.

If your partner left his phone in the room would you snoop?

unapaloma · 15/05/2017 18:33

It is love bombing. Feels really good doesn't it? That is addicting. That gets you hooked into the relationship in such an emotional way that it would be hard for you to walk away. Then , the little niggling things start to pop up.
Or...he might just be a nice bloke who likes the OP. Its not really fair to state that any man who has a password is cheating, and any man who seems nice is conditioning the woman ready for a life of abuse.

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 15/05/2017 18:39

The posters who have said to be weary about this guy and love bombing are the ones you should listen to. Yes there are genuine nice caring guys out there, there are also a lot of manipulative users aswell, keeping a diary is a brilliant idea x

Frustrationstations · 15/05/2017 18:39

My phone is password protected and I don't seem to have any choice in the matter. iPhone. I had a choice of password or fingerprint, there's no other way to set it up.
If you feel uneasy just ask him. Easier said than done I know, but don't let it fester, anxiety can become all encompassing if you don't confront it. If oh can't bear to ask him then just get rid, life is too short for panic! X

QueenMortificado · 15/05/2017 18:43

Genuine question:

We often have threads on here about how quickly people have met their partners and how the "just knew" he was the one, right away. They got engaged / married / moved in together within weeks / months / a year and was all hunky dory.

What's the difference between someone who feels like that and "love bombing". How can you tell the difference between someone genuinely feeling the connection immediately and someone winding you up?

Frustrationstations · 15/05/2017 18:44

Ps I take my phone everywhere even to the bog. I just love reading (& being nosy) I have it in the kitchen to listen to the archers ❤️

Original poster
CokeZero · 15/05/2017 18:54

I'm a little shocked about the love bombing posts ! Maybe I'm just naive ....
I don't get a bad feeling in that way, surely it's ok to really like someone and let them know it?!
I feel a bit silly now!
Anyway.. I will be a bit wary and see what happens in the meantime.
In answer to others questions - yes he's introduced me as a new girlfriend and yes he involves me in other aspects of his life - he's told me the good and bad! I don't think he's trying to make himself out to be perfect to then turn into a monster and abuse me!!Shock

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 15/05/2017 18:55

Having a password on a phone means nothing.

But managing to never let your partner see their phone screen...come on. That must take some awareness and effort to consciously move the screen. I see flashes of my partners screen and he, mine because we go to 0 effort to hide them.
Seems strange to me!

fedupandnogin · 15/05/2017 19:11

What do you know about his previous relationship history?

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 15/05/2017 19:21

@Queen something will feel 'off'/ too good to be true.
@coke dont feel silly, and no one is saying he is 100% gonna abuse you, what we're saying is (those of us who HAVE been abused and missed/ignored red flags in the beginning) just be cautious, and listen to your gut x

CheersMedea · 15/05/2017 19:22

My phone is password protected and I don't seem to have any choice in the matter. iPhone. I had a choice of password or fingerprint, there's no other way to set it up.

You will always have to enter a password if you turn it off and then turn it on.

But you can disable the Lock function (ie. where a screen appears that requires a fingerprint or a password after the phone has not been used) under Settings -> General -> Auto-Lock. The shortest period before it locks is 30 seconds and the longest is 5 minutes.

This is a bad idea because if your phone is stolen or whipped out of your hand by a bicycling thief you want it to lock asap. So most security conscious types have it set at 30 seconds.

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