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Original poster

How to tell new guy I have herpes?...

122 replies

LonelyandLost89 · 13/05/2017 11:27

I am 27 soon to be 28 and I was diagnosed with herpes around 4 years ago when I was with my children's father and he was extremely supportive (I don't believe he passed it on to me, but believe the virus could have been in my system for years beforehand). I have an outbreak a couple times a year and I avoid having sex during this time. I split with my children's father about 2 years ago and I have been intimate with guys since but nothing serious.

I have now met this guy who I have been seeing for just over a month and we have decided that we want to be together. We have had unprotected sex quite a few times (we both have high sex drives) and because I had not had an outbreak since last year I 'forgot' that I had the virus until my most recent outbreak which I believe was triggered by the friction during sex. I have not seen him whilst I've had the OB.

I feel so selfish as it didn't cross my mind due to not having outbreaks very often, and having my most recent OB has made me realise that I will have to tell him. I am scared he is going to be so angry and run a mile because we have had unprotected sex. I really don't know how to tell him...any advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:

Expecting2017 · 13/05/2017 19:35

Part time mermaid there are dating apps for people with herpes. There is no need to be alone if you don't want to

Original poster

LonelyandLost89 · 13/05/2017 19:36

user I understand mermaid's frustration because my outbreaks were quite often when I was first diagnosed but have died down quite a bit now. But to state that I do not give a damn was uncalled for imo. If I had episodes every couple months then it would have crossed my mind sooner to tell my oh, but my last episode was over a year ago so it did not cross my mind. Not telling my oh was not done with malicious content and he understands that

OP posts:

ddssdd · 13/05/2017 20:35

All's well that ends well. You did the right thing

FreshColeslaw · 13/05/2017 21:53

He said he understands why I didn't tell him from the very beginning

that you forgot ?

You did get a flaming but I think its because posters didn't believe you "forgot" as it seems so unbelievable. I have read on MN that herpes attacks can be nasty, and with diagnosis, medication and recent attacks, it just seems odd that anyone would suddenly "forget" they had a potentially serious infectious STD. I think most people suspect you preferred to put it out of your mind for other reasons - maybe you just wanted to have sex with him anyway, or you were worried you were going to lose him if you did. Then you felt guilty and decided to tell him. Which is different from "I forgot".

Glad to hear he was so understanding and you sorted it out.

I know Mermaid's story is different but I could understand some of her anger.

StarUtopia · 13/05/2017 21:59

Gosh there is some ignorance on this thread.

Just out of curiousity, when you've met a new guy, has he ever told you before he kisses you that he has herpes (cold sores)? I don't think anyone has ever told me that. Obviously, i wouldn't kiss someone with an obvious sore.

Condoms do not protect against herpes - at all.

It's not a serious STD. It's like chickenpox. It stays in your system for fgs, it's hardly AIDS. Most of you idiots on here may even have the herpes virus in you and have absolutely nooo idea whatsoever as your 'outbreak' may have been so mild as to have gone unnoticed.

OP. If you'd like to PM me for some support, please feel free to do so. Ignore the nasty, uneducated comments. If he's a decent guy, he will understand. You did not have sex with him whilst having an attack. You have done nothing wrong. It's no wonder people feel so isolated with herpes with this level of hysteria and misinformation.

StarUtopia · 13/05/2017 22:02

Mermaid you need to get a grip and see a decent doctor for some advice. Are you seriously putting your life on hold for a common virus? Yep. It's crap when you have an outbreak, but no more crap than having a bad period ime. (after the first few initial outbreaks). I'm 10 years in now and honestly, I do forget I have it (I'm married though so that does make a difference I guess)

Sorry OP just saw your update. Great news. Sounds like a top bloke.

InfiniteSheldon · 13/05/2017 22:14

Pleased to read your update and hopefully this thread will help bust some of the myths

notapizzaeater · 13/05/2017 22:20

He's a keeper :-)

Chloe84 · 13/05/2017 22:26

To be fair OP, one of your first posts did say 'I deserve to be slated'.

You suddenly seem huffy about it.

Glad it's sorted.

WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee · 14/05/2017 00:39

This thread is thought provoking for me:

I had a one off attack of type 1 HSV over 15 yrs ago. It was horrible and very painful but (touch wood) I've never had another attack since. Probably from oral with ex DH although he denied ever having cold sores so it was a bit of a mystery.

It really didn't cross my mind to disclose it to new partners now that I have started dating again post divorce and often I do indeed forget that I had/ have it. Is that so wrong?

I always insist on condoms but I know that doesn't offer perfect protection.
When people say 'get an STD check' I am always puzzled because I was told that herpes can't really be checked for except by taking a swab from a blister during an outbreak. I am sceptical that you can really get a test for every STD going. What about HPV? Is there a test for that?

OffcialMalbecTaster · 14/05/2017 00:50

I admit I've not RTFT but DP had to tell me this news. Honestly, honesty is the best policy. I knew 2 dates in what I was getting myself into but also was I willing to expose myself to the risk because sometimes as far as we know DP is not harbouring the virus and like to enjoy without protection but it's in total full knowledge and even now post engagement purely at my asking/insistence.

user1479302027 · 14/05/2017 07:27

Woke up - I think the calls for std check may be related to unprotected sex, rather than herpes, which the op knows she has.

I also think the op has had a grilling. But I did note the change from contrite to counter-attack after the partner's understanding. Human nature is interesting!

I do also think that someone who has nasty symptoms is going to be more cross than someone for whom it is only a minor condition. I cringe at the "it's nothing for me, so it must be nothing for others" mindset.

SemiNormal · 14/05/2017 08:50

Herpes may be mild in some people but people are right to protect themselves from it, it can lead to complications and even death in babies (although very rarely).

If contracted in the third trimester of pregnancy then it could lead to someone needing a c-section or the baby having neonatal herpes.

I don't care how rare these things are they can happen and they do. Wanting to protect yourself against an STD is nothing to do with stigma, I've sat in SCBU with a woman who nearly lost her baby due to her partner passing on an STD whilst she was pregnant (he was cheating). In her case it was chlamydia - you know that innocent little STD that can be cleared up with antibiotics!

Namechange1117778 · 14/05/2017 08:51

Hi op. I'm glad your partner is ok with it, that must be a huge relief. Please be aware though that it's not as simple as "he has every right to walk away and be mad"
I caught the virus from someone who knew he had it and always chickened out of telling me... until I caught it. He knowingly infected me and there have been court cases, albeit more extreme, where people have been prosecuted for doing similar.

You don't have to be having an outbreak to pass the virus on and condoms do not fully protect against herpes. Hopefully you'll never be in this situation again but please, for the love of god, if you are then don't have sex with someone before they know.
As someone on the other side of this, it really messed me up mentally for a long time. It's incredibly selfish.

SuperRainbows · 14/05/2017 09:36

I am so pleased you told him and he reacted as he did.

This has been one of the worst threads I have read for a long time in terms of nastiness.

The op posted for advice not to be attacked.

Namechange1117778 · 14/05/2017 11:28

The op posted for advice not to be attacked.

Maybe so rainbow but I think people are often too blasé about herpes because it's not life threatening. I was in agony when I first contracted the disease, so much so that I couldn't pee without crying. I felt dirty, depressed and suicidal.
It should not be down to the carrier to decide whether or not they risk another persons health and by being sexually active with someone (even with condoms) that's what you are essentially doing.
I'm glad things worked out for the op, I truly am but that doesn't mean she was ok doing what she did with any of the men she's has been with other the last few years

InfiniteSheldon · 14/05/2017 13:48

my ds is had an ob, her first and only, ten years into a monogamous relation probably because her dh had coldsores the gp told her she prob already had the virus and was just run down and vulnerable. He also said it's believed that 80% of us are carriers. It's not dirty or disgusting any more than mouth cold sores are though it is obvious more painful and this needs repeating over and over again it's NOT dirty or disgusting The OP had a sexual health check in Jan herpes is not even tested for.

heyday · 14/05/2017 14:00

To be honest, if he's been happy to have unprotected sex with you so soon after meeting then there is a very high chance that he may have come into contact with someone who has herpes already. Who know he may HIV for all you know.....
Just tell him in the same way that you told us....just that as you haven't had an outbreak for a while it slipped your mind.
I contracted genetal herpes age 15 even though I didn't even sleep with him. I can honestly say it has made my life extremely difficult. I wish the person I contracted it from had told me beforehand.....I would have run for my life.
My feeling is that he really won't be too bothered.

grannytomine · 14/05/2017 14:27

Everyone is responsible for protecting themselves so did he ask? Given the high number of people who carry the HSV virus either orally or genitally it is sensible to ask. I'd slate you if you lied but it was as much his responsibility as yours.

On a positive note as you have had it years you will be shedding virus much less than someone who has been recently infected. I haven't read the full thread yet but do you know if it is HSV1 or 2?

Elcantador · 14/05/2017 15:26

Genuine question, not being sarcastic:
I have had coldsores on my lips before so it means i have the herpres simplex virus in my system even though i havent had a coldsore since my teenage years.
We all know that the virus can be passed on even if you dont have a visible sore. It can still shed in the skincells. So that means i have the potential to give someone genital herpes if i give them a bj. Am i morally obligated to disclose the fact that i have had a coldsore in the past therefore i have herpes? It never occured to me to do it.
I know that most facial herpes is caused by HSV1 and most genital is HSV2 but nowdays when oral sex is mainsteam we ( all of us who have the virus in our system, over 70% of the adult population) all have the potential to give our partners genital herpes.
Op has had a sore in the genital area caused by the herpes virus and that can be passed on and lead to another person having a genital sore so the consensus on this thread is that she is a mean/irresponsible etc person for not disclosing.
I have had a sore in the facial area also caused by the herpes virus which can also be passed on and lead to someone having a sore in the genital area. How are the two different?

Elcantador · 14/05/2017 15:42

One more thing, not a question but an observation.
I noticed that in the UK people refer to facial herpes as coldsores so i bet a lot of people dont realise that they are caused by the herpes virus, the same virus that causes genital herpes. (Where i come from we dont have a seperate word for coldsores, we just call them herpesz)
And while coldsores are considered just unsighty ... genital herpes , wow, it is like a curse, there are people who feel suicidal when they get diagnosed.A family planning nurse told me that the reason they dont routinely test for it is because there is so much stigma attached to it. People who dont have outbreaks dont need to know as they would feel horrible and like an outcast. And it doesnt have health implications, such as infertililty, like other STDs.

grannytomine · 14/05/2017 17:44

Elcantador, also if you have the blood test it will tell you if you have herpes but it won't tell you where, so if you have never had an outbreak you won't know if it genital, or "coldsores" on the mouth, or a whitlow on your finger. Lots of people don't realise that a sore infection round the nail can be herpes because whitlow is used to describe it instead.

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