How to tell new guy I have herpes?...

[LonelyandLost89]

I am 27 soon to be 28 and I was diagnosed with herpes around 4 years ago when I was with my children's father and he was extremely supportive (I don't believe he passed it on to me, but believe the virus could have been in my system for years beforehand). I have an outbreak a couple times a year and I avoid having sex during this time. I split with my children's father about 2 years ago and I have been intimate with guys since but nothing serious.

I have now met this guy who I have been seeing for just over a month and we have decided that we want to be together. We have had unprotected sex quite a few times (we both have high sex drives) and because I had not had an outbreak since last year I 'forgot' that I had the virus until my most recent outbreak which I believe was triggered by the friction during sex. I have not seen him whilst I've had the OB.

I feel so selfish as it didn't cross my mind due to not having outbreaks very often, and having my most recent OB has made me realise that I will have to tell him. I am scared he is going to be so angry and run a mile because we have had unprotected sex. I really don't know how to tell him...any advice would be appreciated x

Thank you for being so supportive. I think I will read and print off as much info as I can and present it to him for when he has any questions.
I didn't realise how difficult it would be telling a new partner as I first found out early on in my relationship with my children's father and we ended up being together for 3 years. And I have not been in a relationship since.
All I can do is be honest and offer to give him some space if he decides that he needs to think about things. I am definitely thinking about what if the shoe was on the other foot as I know I would not be happy hence me preparing for him to walk away.

Lonely - whatever happens, you'll feel better once you've done it. Just focus on that thought!

If he decides to end it, you can figure out your strategy for the future.

Supermagicsmile

Please tell me that is a joke. So lead the man into believing he gave her herpes, he has too contact all sexual partners he has slept with recently and inform them of the imaginary herpes he wouldn't have gave them. That is so wrong!

I can't imagine any other way than, saying you have herpes and you're sorry for not saying sooner.

Badgers you have put it how I was wanting to put it so I applaud you. People really do not know how common it is. And are ignorant to the fact a non active cold sore can give them herpes too or their partner. Op you aren't dirty whatsoever. Just be honest and with all the facts as others have said. I'm sure he will be understanding although hurt that you did keep it from him. I would be honest that yours haven't flared up in years and it did slip your mind and that you'll feel awful. At least you're being honest that way. Good luck x

I'm sorry op but I would dump anyone who had let me have sex with them without telling me they had herpes. It's a pretty big thing it doesn't just go away with a course of antibiotics I wouldn't be able to trust them again for possibly giving me a life long sti. Yes I know it's common but it's up to me to make the decision to sleep with someone if they know they have it not them to possibly infect me.

Few drama llamas on this thread!

OP - it's cold sores. No need to get theatrical - just tell him that you are having a flare up and it's usually only twice a year. Chances are he either gets cold sores himself or knows someone who does. It's overwhelmingly likely that he will have been exposed to the virus at some stage.

I get cold sores on my face and so does DH. I didn't disclose them before we first snogged and neither did he. Neither of us had an active one at the time so there was only a tiny risk. (DH is a doctor and has just laughed his head off at some of the reactions on here - herpes is common as much, as my DM would say!)

And get thee some L-Lysine tablets.

Muck not much!!

Just an update - I told my OH and he was completely unfazed by it! He said he understands why I didn't tell him from the very beginning and he still wants to be with me. He even thinks I'm silly for thinking he wouldn't want to be with me still. I couldn't ask for anything more

It's a huge weight of my shoulders - thank you for those who were supportive

Go and get yourself tested now OP and insist he does the same before you have unprotected sex with him again. You have no idea what he could have passed onto you.

Excellent update Lonely

Lonely, so pleased to hear it. Remember the longer you have it, the more immunity you build up to it. I forget that I have it too, it's been many years since I've had an episode.

Condoms dont protect against the virus. They make it less likely but not fully protect

I am really pleased for you. Thanks for updating.

I hope everyone here realises that unless they're using dental dams when receiving oral, they're putting themselves at risk of contracting herpes.

Really nice update OP. Glad things went well xx

You can still pass it on even when showing no symptoms.

Tell him. NOW

You have been extremely neglectful in not telling him....for Christ' sake,.do NOT have sex again until you've had the convetsation.

Posted before I'd read your reply! Glad he knows. Well done for telling him.

**

As far as he knows, this could be your first outbreak and he gave it to you! wink

What a horrid thing to suggest.

(Sorry about previous post, forgot to paste what I'd copied and reply before hitting 'post'!)

Sorry but how do forget you have herpes? I don't forget that I have it and would never ever sleep with someone without telling them beforehand. Also you can still pass the virus on without having a noticable outbreak and condoms do not protect from it.

My ex didn't tell me he had it and passed it onto me without giving me the option of deciding whether I wanted a life long STI.

I can't believe I stay single because I don't want to infect anyone else or be rejected after telling them I have it and there are people like you just sleeping with people without giving a damn about passing it on.

People saying it isn't a big deal clearly don't have herpes. I have an outbreak every few months and it's not just like having a cold sore on your face! It's painful and uncomfortable and honestly makes me feel like crap mentally.

Glad you told him op and what a fab outcome. Happy for you x

@BoneyBackJefferson gotta love some Stephen Lynch!

Excuse me Mermaid but if I did not give a damn I would have just carried on and not told him. Of course it is easy to forget you have it, especially if you do not have an episode for years or a long period of time. Not mentioning it from the beginning was obviously irresponsible but my OH understands why I didn't.

And had you cared to read my last reply, I have now told my OH and he is fine with it and is being really supportive. No disrespect but if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all.

I'm glad your partner was so understanding op. But I think mermaid has every right to say what she has about potentially passing on herpes, on any forum she chooses, considering her experience!