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Original poster

How to tell new guy I have herpes?...

122 replies

LonelyandLost89 · 13/05/2017 11:27

I am 27 soon to be 28 and I was diagnosed with herpes around 4 years ago when I was with my children's father and he was extremely supportive (I don't believe he passed it on to me, but believe the virus could have been in my system for years beforehand). I have an outbreak a couple times a year and I avoid having sex during this time. I split with my children's father about 2 years ago and I have been intimate with guys since but nothing serious.

I have now met this guy who I have been seeing for just over a month and we have decided that we want to be together. We have had unprotected sex quite a few times (we both have high sex drives) and because I had not had an outbreak since last year I 'forgot' that I had the virus until my most recent outbreak which I believe was triggered by the friction during sex. I have not seen him whilst I've had the OB.

I feel so selfish as it didn't cross my mind due to not having outbreaks very often, and having my most recent OB has made me realise that I will have to tell him. I am scared he is going to be so angry and run a mile because we have had unprotected sex. I really don't know how to tell him...any advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:

InfiniteSheldon · 13/05/2017 12:04

randomuntrainedcuntowner I took too long to post and your version is much shorter

StatelessPrincess · 13/05/2017 12:05

Condoms don't necessarily prevent herpes, they don't cover enough skin. However, you should have told him before you ever slept together. I would dump you if I was him, you have behaved completely recklessly.

SuperBeagle · 13/05/2017 12:06

Infinite, you might consider it "ignorant", but it's a criminal offence to knowingly spread a sexually transmitted disease to another person with their knowledge and if the OP carries on like this, she's digging herself a hole

SuperBeagle · 13/05/2017 12:06

Without*

Roundandroundwegoagain · 13/05/2017 12:06

Random

I beg to differ, she could have potentially infected another person with and STI by not disclosing the fact thus removing any choice he has over whether he'd have put himself at risk or not.

I'd be horrified if I was put in his position and as other posters have said I would get rid.

Roundandroundwegoagain · 13/05/2017 12:08

Infinite

Ignorant or not I would not have sex with someone who could potentially infect me with an STI and thats my rightful choice.

Having and STI? Not having and STI? I'd much rather go for the latter. Sorry if that offends some.

Expecting2017 · 13/05/2017 12:10

Half of you have probably come into contact with someone with herpes. Even with a condom in you can catch it. Do you know how actually common it is?

SuperBeagle · 13/05/2017 12:12

Well if it's common that makes it alright to sexually assault someone then

SemiNormal · 13/05/2017 12:14

I'd hit the roof if I found out someone had an STD that they knew about and didn't inform me before intercourse took place - with OR without a condom.

That said I wouldn't have unprotected intercourse with anyone unless I knew they'd been tested fairly recently.

You know you need to tell him. Do it face to face rather than on the phone or via text message but I would do it in a public place in case he gets angry about it. Not in an enclosed public space like a restaurant or pub though, more like a quite spot in a park where there are other people around but not close enough to hear your conversation.

Roundandroundwegoagain · 13/05/2017 12:14

Yes and half of us probably haven't. Knowingly exposing someone to an STI, there is no excuse for it.

Expecting2017 · 13/05/2017 12:14

Beagle you're in lala land. I've told her she should tell him. But it's not like chlamydia etc is shit I am saying. You can literally get it if your partner goes down on you with a cold sore. Did you know that?

PurpleTraitor · 13/05/2017 12:15

It doesn't matter how common it is. It doesn't matter how you prevent it, or how often is is transmitted, or any of that, in this instance.

OP knew that they had a disease that could spread to the other person. OP withheld the information.

Giving someone an STI unknowingly is one thing. Choosing sexual contact with someone who may pass on an STI, knowing what that entails, is another thing. Having sex with someone without telling them is inexcusable. I do sympathise with how difficult that conversation is, but you don't get to choose for the other person. You can't!!

Expecting2017 · 13/05/2017 12:16

Seminormal I don't think anyone is saying she's in the right for not telling him but you can get herpes without a condom FYI. it only reduces the chance by a mere 30%

SemiNormal · 13/05/2017 12:17

Half of you have probably come into contact with someone with herpes. Even with a condom in you can catch it. Do you know how actually common it is? - I have no problem coming into contact with people who have an STD but if they are aware of it then they should let people know BEFORE they sleep with them, condom or not. I don't actually give a fuck how common it is, I don't want it, if it was something I 'accidently' contracted through no one elses fault (ie they didn't know and I didn't use protection or check that they'd been tested recently) then I'd suck it up but I would be decent enough to inform any potential future sexual partners.

SemiNormal · 13/05/2017 12:18

Seminormal I don't think anyone is saying she's in the right for not telling him but you can get herpes without a condom FYI. it only reduces the chance by a mere 30% - Yes and he may well not want to take that risk, therefore he should be told. I don't see what using condoms has to do with it really. She has an STD, she didn't tell him yet proceeded to have intercourse with him. Whether they used a condom or not she still should have told him.

Expecting2017 · 13/05/2017 12:19

Thanks semi. That's all I wanted!

SuperBeagle · 13/05/2017 12:19

So because condoms only reduce the risk by 30%, that makes it ok to not use one at all and not tell the other person? Far fucking out

What you don't seem to be grasping is that if the OP transmits this disease to the guy, she has legally sexually assaulted him.

kara1987 · 13/05/2017 12:19

Seriously Expecting, what is so difficult to understand.

It does not matter how many people have it. It does not matter how easy it is to pass on. It is about having enough respect for another person to tell them before you engage in anything, so that person can make an informed decision on whether they want to continue.

I'd even have enough respect to tell someone I had a cold before kissing them, because it ultimately affects another person's health and it's their decision how they want to go forward. Why is that so difficult to see?

ZilphasHatpin · 13/05/2017 12:19

What a fucking pair of idiots! Who thehell has unprotected sex without a full sexual health test??

Idiots.

Anyway, you just tell him Op, and you prepare yourself to hear that he has chlamydia, HIV, AIDS. You're not the only one who can keep secrets.

Again, idiot!

And get yourself fucking tested!

Expecting2017 · 13/05/2017 12:19

I have said she should have and should tell him. People are saying Omg I'd never had sex without condoms because of STI s so I was pointing out you can still catch herpes with a. Condom.

Expecting2017 · 13/05/2017 12:21

Kara it isn't difficult to see. Hence why is aid she should have and should tell him. You couldn't see my point I was just giving statistics

Original poster

LonelyandLost89 · 13/05/2017 12:21

Thank you for all your comments, especially the supportive ones - it is very much appreciated.
I am seeing him tonight so I plan on telling him then but I am preparing for the worst.
My last STI screening was in January or February and I had a negative result for everything I was tested for.
I am really not a bad or selfish person it was genuinely just a case of it not crossing my mind due to not being affected by an OB for so long and not very often.

OP posts:

GirlOverboard · 13/05/2017 12:21

You have not done anything wrong op. Condoms don't protect against herpes anyway

Oh that's OK then. You don't think he should have had the choice whether or not to have sex with a woman infected with herpes? He might well have chosen to walk away, which would have been his right.

Roundandroundwegoagain · 13/05/2017 12:22

You can't get herpes if you decide not to have sex with someone with it. Likewise sexual activity with someone who has cold sores, hence why I don't and exactly why screening beforehand is the only way I will be allowing unprotected sex. Most people (I know) have regular check up and certainly don't like about this sort of thing.

This approach has actually worked fairly well for me Expecting.

OP you need to call this guy and meet him without delay to tell him he may have contracted something from you and you may not like the outcome.

Expecting2017 · 13/05/2017 12:23

I would explain all that to him op and state the statistics also so he knows the facts and just say you know you've really messed up and will accept whatever decision he makes. Good luck!

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