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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dh hates the fact I've been married before

113 replies

Betterloveme · 11/05/2017 07:18

When we first got together we never really spoke about exes or past relationships but I always assumed he knew I'd been married before.
We work at the same place although not in same department and people at work know I've been married before so I wrongly assumed he knew too.

Anyway, cut to 2 years later after he's proposed to me - a few months after when we are talking about our wedding I started to realize he didn't know I'd been married before by something he said. So I casually said 'you do know I've been married before don't you?'
He was so upset, caused a huge argument and him sulking for a day or so.

Anyway I asked him if he wanted to call our wedding off (still in early stages so wouldn't have lost anything) but he said no.

4 years later... he STILL brings it up in every argument!! In my mind it's ridiculous as it was before I met him, it's in my past, my face no ties or contact with ex h had I honestly did think he knew but he says I kept it s secret from him!!

What would you do? Is it me?!

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 11/05/2017 10:35

He is jealous and babyish AND he cheated on you? GET RID.

FinallyHere · 11/05/2017 10:48

Okaaaay, he had an affair and you are getting it in the neck about being divorced.

not sure i understand how you could have done the 'paperwork' part of a wedding, without you having to produce your certificate of previous marriage and divorce. Did he just ignore that? How could he not know? Could he be bluffing, claiming that you didn't officially tell him and that makes you equal in some way, each having done something wrong? But you did before you did get married.

Why am I even speculating, give him the heave ho. But be a tad careful, he might step up his sense of injury when you try to get out. All the very best.

Notmyrealname85 · 11/05/2017 10:51

This seems like a troll post, I can't believe anyone would be in any kind of relationship without mentioning to their OH that they'd been married before

ravenmum · 11/05/2017 10:52

So he lied to you, and now he's saying that you lied (by omission) to him, right? My ex did the same. He compared his lying about his affair with my not explicitly telling him that I suffered from social anxiety. (Which I didn't even have a name for 20+ years earlier when we met.) Apparently those were both examples of us lying to one another.

AhYerWill · 11/05/2017 10:54

So you should put up with him cheating because he refused to discuss your past relationships and then was shocked he found out you were divorced 4 years ago? He's really scraping the barrel to justify his shitty behaviour isn't he?

0dfod · 11/05/2017 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/05/2017 10:58

So he cheated, and now he's trying to use the fact that you were married before as some sort of come-back to your natural anger and pain over his betrayal?

OP. Divorce exists for a good reason. You were right and justified to divorce previously and have nothing to defend. This isn't a relationship to drag out any longer either.

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/05/2017 11:00

My DP doesn't like any talk of ex's. But I've been married before, so it's tough, I talk about things we did and places we went and suchlike - because it's MY past and he doesn't get to dictate what we talk about. Obviously I don't talk about my previous sex life though.

Your DH has clearly been bearing this grudge for a while and now it's just his excuse for having an affair. He'll carry on using it against you, because he can. Turn him loose, OP. I think it's more the fact that he never had a 'proper' relationship before you that's the red flag, to be honest, he now wants to shag about a bit because he feels he's missed out.

Isetan · 11/05/2017 11:10

Hè sounds unpleasent and while you've been busy apologising you've failed to notice that you are married to a child. This is who he is and let's be honest, given he's the 'jealous type', there's a good chance that if he had known from the beginning he still would have used it as a stick to beat you with.

I think you need to tell him to get over it or get out, beating you with this stick is no longer an option.

SaltySeaDog72 · 11/05/2017 11:23

I recommend the best course of action here is a second divorce. Hopefully that'll shut him up. As far as I can see this relationship was never on a mature enough footing for marriage. And now that he has strayed there surely is here to save?

SaltySeaDog72 · 11/05/2017 11:24

nothing here to save

EleanorRigbysNeice · 11/05/2017 11:26

Good grief, have just realised he's strayed. Please OP, dont waste your life/time/love/effort on this man. There is no shame in holding your hand up and saying "this is a huge mistake and I deserve better". Please. Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/05/2017 11:28

we just don't talk about exes

Sorry but that is huge red flag. Exes are part of who we are, and the experiences you shared with them all contribute to the person you are now. I don't mean going on and on about them all the time, but to not talk about them at all, ever, is just plain weird.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/05/2017 11:28

What I would do is dump him.

I can't quite believe it didn't come up either, but it's not about that.

He sounds petty, nasty and horrid. Not sure why you married him when he was like this before the wedding but it can be undone!

If he had such a problem with suspecting you of keeping it from him, he had the choice to dump you. But he didn't, because he doesn't actually think you are dishonest. Rather, he's just delighted that you've provided the perfect excuse for the low-level abuse and nastiness that he clearly thinks is essential for a relationship.

On top of that, he's been unfaithful (I assume). Great. He's an unpleasant dick to you in every way possible, not just the odd one.

You haven't really been married long. Do you want ot lvie the rest of your life like this? It really isn't worth it.

I was about to say, lay down the law - he shits or gets off the pot. He either leaves, or he makes his peace with your previous marriage and shuts up.

But after you say he betrayed you - no. Dump him. This one's a dud!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/05/2017 11:29

Oh God, just read the bit about him having an affair. Do not marry this man.

RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND!

FizzyGreenWater · 11/05/2017 11:30

And no, of course you shouldn't feel bad about being married before - why on earth would you? Utter nonsense.

But as I said, he doesn't think it's awful either, not really. He's just abusive and so this is one of his excuses to abuse. If it weren't the marriage, it would be something else.

Just leave him.

JellyBean31 · 11/05/2017 11:33

I was working in a pub when I met my exH, however he constantly brought up how loose my morals were (cause all barmaids are like that apparently) throughout our marriage.

If he didn't like it, no one forced him down the aisle FFS

Anyway that's only one of the reasons he's an ex! Your DH will never change, he will use this against you and to justify his affair for the rest for your life together. Cut that life together short by separating asap I say.

BTW - I'm back working in a pub now not needing anyone's approval Smile

VimFuego101 · 11/05/2017 11:36

It sounds like if he didn't have this to use as a stick to beat you with, it would be something else. But there would definitely be something.

How do you manage to not mention an ex husband? Surely you talked about holidays, places you lived, things you did, and who you were with at that point?

alonsypot · 11/05/2017 12:18

Well, quite a dripfeed there, which will affect how useful the replies here are.

The two situations are a bit different aren't they? ("Keeps talking about something I lied about by omission" versus "insanely jealous, unpleasant, cheated on me and says I did something just as bad by lying by omission")

Why are you with him? Confused

DestinationSofa · 11/05/2017 12:21

You have to show previous evidence of marriage when registering your intent no ?

Brogadaccio · 11/05/2017 12:39

It does sound like he's trying to pull trouble out of nowhere.

But hang on, he cheated on you two months ago! He is the one you're currently married to, and he cheated on you while married to you and yet he has the dysfunction/balls Confused to harp on about your previous marriage.

I do think it's a lie of omission that it did not come up in a year and a half of dating though. But maybe that was subconscious because you knew he'd react like this!

Sidge · 11/05/2017 12:58

Well the OP has been deliberately vague here as well - she says he betrayed her but hasn't actually clarified that he cheated on her. A betrayal could be something else - not necessarily an affair.

Either way this sounds like a relationship in crisis. There is a clear lack of communication, honesty and openness. Lots of assumptions and supposition.

slinkyma · 11/05/2017 13:04

He doesn't appear to be serious about the relationship, all very childish.

I'm sure you could do better than this.

ExConstance · 11/05/2017 13:11

My DH had a "starter marriage" at 21, 6 years before we met. It lasted 2 years. It is an irrelevance to us and although I knew about the relationship he had been in that ended a little while before he met me I didn't know he had been married before until much later. No house, no children and no contact -what is the relevance of that?

nachogazpacho · 11/05/2017 13:16

Life is too short to spend it with someone who is so jealous you cannot discuss a previous relationship. I would say that is why you never discussed it. You knew deep down he would behave like an arse. And once you'd mentioned it he flew off the handle. I would say he probably already knew if everyone else did.

It's perfect for him to use against you add you can do nothing about it unless you build a time machine. So he can have a go again and again.

When you are in relationship I've learnt that if I wouldn't be unkind in that way then my partner shouldn't be. And I've also learnt not to try and work out why they do it. It is always about them being an anxious person who needs to control others. It is not personal in the way they just want you to do add you're told. He cheated. You should accept it because you were married before. He had a pop at you about whatever you've done he doesn't want you to do, he says you should accept it because you hurt him first by not telling him you were married before. And so on. Ad infinitum. Until you can take no more.

Why bother with that? Just cut to the chase. Say 'as you are unable to get over my previous marriage and we don't have a time machine, let's call it a day '

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