My dh hates the fact I've been married before

[Betterloveme]

When we first got together we never really spoke about exes or past relationships but I always assumed he knew I'd been married before.
We work at the same place although not in same department and people at work know I've been married before so I wrongly assumed he knew too.

Anyway, cut to 2 years later after he's proposed to me - a few months after when we are talking about our wedding I started to realize he didn't know I'd been married before by something he said. So I casually said 'you do know I've been married before don't you?'
He was so upset, caused a huge argument and him sulking for a day or so.

Anyway I asked him if he wanted to call our wedding off (still in early stages so wouldn't have lost anything) but he said no.

4 years later... he STILL brings it up in every argument!! In my mind it's ridiculous as it was before I met him, it's in my past, my face no ties or contact with ex h had I honestly did think he knew but he says I kept it s secret from him!!

What would you do? Is it me?!

Sorry shitty - I think I've confused you with another poster.

What was your wedding like? Were you happy? Was he happy?

I would ask someone on the first date! Also it can be worth checking at registries by the way before seriously dating someone. There is more bigamy nad secret previous marriages out there than people think. Always check and ask and see the documents etc etc particularly if it matters to you.

If someone i was dating just didn't happen to mention they were married before I would regard that as so deceitful I would call off the wedding. Apart from anything else the ex partner might have financial claims. I would want to see a sealed court financial consent order. Did you get one of those ? if not even 20 years later your ex husband can come back and claim assets from you in some cases.

Well this is something else, he actually betrayed me 2 months ago which I'm trying to forgive him for!!
Sorry to throw a spanner in the works :(

To the people saying they can't believe it wasn't discussed before, my DP was married before me - I even knew them as a couple (slightly), his mum still keeps in touch and updates us on her news etc.

We don't talk about it at all though - why would we? It's not that we're avoiding the subject, it's just not relevant to life now. I can easily see how if I'd met him after the divorce had gone through I wouldn't know (actually, his mum would probably have told me rather than him though)

Ah. That makes it clear. He wants an excuse. And no that doesn't excuse his behaviour

Ah, so he's throwing back the one thing that you've done "wrong" as an excuse for what he's done?

As said already, if he felt that you not just directly telling him was a reason to not trust you anymore, he should have got out when he had the chance!

And let me guess, the reason your marriage keeps getting thrown in your face is because of him "betraying" you two months ago?

I am sorry but I think the marriage is flawed. He is betraying you, you were married before. It isn't the fact that you were married before but you weren't close enough to discuss it!!! Really really strange.

If he wanted to marry in a catholic church, for example, he couldn't - I know I would want to marry in church. It would have been a dealbreaker for me. He should have left then. The fact he's stayed and married you though means he should no longer bang on about it!! That's totally unfair on you.

It's incredibly odd that you "assumed" he knew and didn't bother to mention it. He's probably wondering what other skeletons are yet to emerge from your closet.

Agree he wants an excuse.

He doesn't sound like a very nice guy.

Do you have kids?

You can't be someone's past, you can only be their future. And the fact that he betrayed you but beats you with reminders about your past means he's an arsehole, lovey. He's toxic, and never going to change. Do you want this to be your entire life?? Berated and miserable?? Get the hell out of there and don't look back.

He sounds highly posessive and cannot bear the fact that you've done it all before him. Some people want to be "first". He NEVER will be, for you. That's how he feels. However, he could have called things off when he found out, pre-marriage. The fact that he didnt may prove that he loved you so much that he thought he would eventually be able to get his head around it. He CANNOT. So, it's up to you whether you can live like this as I think it's always going to be his default position.

YANBU. He is immature and probably wouldn't share his toys when he was a kid. I've been in a situation like this, it ended badly. The fact that he didn't want to discuss previous relationships is a big red flag...you frankly weren't meant to have had a "love" before HIM. That's how you got to 2 yrs "in" and he was clueless about your past. It's ridiculous.

I dont see how this can work, for either of you.

How did it never come up in conversation? You never spoke of a country you visited with Exh or an activity or talked about planning a wedding.

I am actually gobsmacked you went out for two years and they didn't know you'd been married before?! Unless it was a 48hrs vegas married to a stranger thing a la Britney?

Not wanting to discuss past relationships at all due to jealousy is a red flag IMO. As is berating you for years over something well in the past.

He "betrayed you"? Cheated?

That would put the tin lid on it - LTB.

I do find it odd that you assumed he knew and this needed a proper conversation at the start on both parts.

However, its now a perfect excuse for betrayal? what else? I think the issue he is he betrayed you regardless of what pathetic excuse. let's focus on that OP not the other stuff.....

im still slightly mad that my husband sent his ex a photo of our new baby from the hospital. on the day he was born. he was overly excited and wanted to tell the world. this was 15 years ago!!

dont underestimate the power of hurt.

He may not be handling it very well, but the plain fact is that you did keep it a secret from him. You may not have deliberately concealed the fact, but you failed to make sure he knew important information - not just about your past, but about you as a person. He may well have a constant suspicion about what else you may have 'forgotten' to tell him. We humans don't like lack of knowledge, and we fill the blanks with our doubts and fears. I think perhaps the 2 of you might benefit from couple's counselling to get this issue out into the open and resolved.

Definitely odd all round.
My wife (of 25 years) likes to tell me how much better her previous BF was at sex and communication.

Mysteries, if we humans don't like lack of knowledge, perhaps the OPs husband should not have stopped her every time she tried to talk about the past. Just a thought. That was his decision.

He is being very unreasonable OP.

Sounds like an excuse for cheating (and for everything else) tbh.

He cheated on you and he's giving you shit for being married before you met him? Ltb

Boy bye

Definitely agree with pp who mentioned this is his stick to beat you with. Now, he's using it as an excuse for cheating? He's really getting plenty mileage out of what was basically a misunderstanding of a situation. He had every opportunity to back out before marrying you.

This man is cruel IMO. Whether you want to hang around trying to fix this relationship (which will be hard if he's stonewalling you), I'd cut my losses.

That's what I think, what ever I did - I did it before I ever met him. Besides being married and divorced isn't something I feel I should be ashamed of.
However he's put me through hell the past few weeks abs he's using anything he can to beat me up with.
That's how I feel anyway