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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dh hates the fact I've been married before

113 replies

Betterloveme · 11/05/2017 07:18

When we first got together we never really spoke about exes or past relationships but I always assumed he knew I'd been married before.
We work at the same place although not in same department and people at work know I've been married before so I wrongly assumed he knew too.

Anyway, cut to 2 years later after he's proposed to me - a few months after when we are talking about our wedding I started to realize he didn't know I'd been married before by something he said. So I casually said 'you do know I've been married before don't you?'
He was so upset, caused a huge argument and him sulking for a day or so.

Anyway I asked him if he wanted to call our wedding off (still in early stages so wouldn't have lost anything) but he said no.

4 years later... he STILL brings it up in every argument!! In my mind it's ridiculous as it was before I met him, it's in my past, my face no ties or contact with ex h had I honestly did think he knew but he says I kept it s secret from him!!

What would you do? Is it me?!

OP posts:
flippinada · 11/05/2017 07:41

If... if he genuinely didn't know then I can understand why he would be initially shocked, although does not in any way excuse or explain his subsequent behaviour.

Although given that you met at work, and you're former marriage was common knowledge to the point where it was a topic of conversation, I'd wondering if he really didn't know about this..

Naicehamshop · 11/05/2017 07:42

Don't forget the fact that he refused to talk about exes when they first got together "because he gets jealous".

I wonder if he did know, if you say it was widely talked about at work, and for some weird reason he just likes to have something he can verbally beat you up about whenever he wants his own way.

Is he controlling in other ways?

Naicehamshop · 11/05/2017 07:43

Cross posted with ada!

CassandraAusten · 11/05/2017 07:43

You need to draw a line under this. He needs to stop mentioning it in arguments. This has been going on for FOUR YEARS ffs!!

Apologise one last time for not mentioning it beforehand. Then say that he must stop talking about it. If he can't do that for you, maybe seek counselling to discuss the matter further.

WomblingThree · 11/05/2017 07:45

I can understand him being pissed off that you didn't tell him, but if he was so upset why the hell did he then proceed to marry you?

By marrying you, he tacitly accepted it, so he's got no grounds to still be whining about it surely?

WannaBe · 11/05/2017 07:47

TBH I would have ended the relationship at the time. Not telling someone about a previous marriage and an ex husband is fundamental stuff.

It sounds though as if he thought he could get past it though and has failed to be able to do so. I don't think he's wrong, sometimes we go into situations thinking we can accept them as they are and as time goes on we realise that actually we can't.

If someone posted here that their fiancé had only revealed two years into the relationship that they had previously been married, that they had tried to get past it but couldn't people would be telling them to end the relationship and that they weren't wrong to do so as this is a massive omission and what else was their partner hiding....

FWIW I knew someone years ago who found out on her wedding day (different country with different rules etc) that her h had not only previously been married but that he also had a child. Shock She married him anyway but it was always a huge thing in their relationship, and certainly affected the way her family felt about him. They didn't stay married.....

KirstyJC · 11/05/2017 07:47

'He gets jealous'...that is worrying. And he was the one who didn't want to talk about exs and you both agreed not to? Well, then given your marriage was common knowledge in his group of colleagues and he refused to discuss the past then frankly I don't see why he has the right to be upset. If you tell someone not to talk about something then you can't blame them if they don't!

Agree it sounds like a stick to beat you with.....especially if he gets jealous.

I would tell him once and for all that you are not ashamed of your past and he needs to either accept it and move on, or you will. And mean it.

annandale · 11/05/2017 07:47

It is hard to understand, speaking as someone who told my now dh about my xh on the second date. However, like others I am interested that he shut down discussion of the past so definitely early on.

Tbh your arguments should be about this. Is he so angry because he is genuinely hiding something, or ashamed of something? You had a marriage that went wrong, nothing to be ashamed of.

I agree with therapy but he needs to learn to really listen. Also I hope you won't assume anything any more.

FinallyHere · 11/05/2017 07:49

*Sounds like he's found his stick to beat you with.

This. Exactly this.*

^ 'fraid so.

He didn't want to talk about ex's but is now sulking because you didn't mention that you were married to your ex? Were you actually / technically still married when you got together, so that you 'never mentioned' when your divorce came through? Or was it all over before you got together with him?

This sounds more like 'can't win' , than a genuine concern to me.

Whathaveilost · 11/05/2017 07:49

He is a knob.
He had a chance to walk away at the engagement stage before you got married.
He tells you how you should feel! He thinks you should feel shame.
He brings a previous relationship up in arguments.
Your DH sounds more hassle than he is worth.

JigglyTuff · 11/05/2017 07:53

Oh no, you don't get to have it both ways. Either you go for full disclosure about past relationships or you decide (weirdly IMO but each to their own) to pretend that the past is another life and you don't discuss it.

What he's doing is what my gran would call a bugger's muddle between the two.

I think you need serious conversation about this - he really needs to let it go or I don't see how you have a future together. I'm serious - this sort of thing can have a horrible effect on a LTR

mathanxiety · 11/05/2017 07:54

Tell him to get over it or pack his traps and leave.

YY to 'you can't win this'. This is not you. It's his stick to beat you with. He is abusing you.

Damia · 11/05/2017 07:54

Sorry but I do think from his point of view it must have come as a big surprise and as though you keep secrets and I wouldn't be surprised if he wonders to this day what else you are keeping back

mathanxiety · 11/05/2017 07:57

It would have come as a big surprise no matter when she told him.

KungFuEric · 11/05/2017 07:59

I think a lot of people can struggle with the thought of marrying someone who's done it before, stood infront of their families and friends and made lifelong vows of commitment to another human. It changes who you are as a person to have done that, to know that for whatever reason that person will have said all of those words to someone else before, and for whatever reason didn't mean them.

It's a big deal.

slinkyma · 11/05/2017 08:00

Either 1) he is using this misunderstanding to cause friction and put you permanently on the back foot.

  1. he is genuinely still hurt that he didn't know. Understandable.

Considering he is the jealous type then I'd say 1) was more likely.

Unless he is superb husband in every other aspect & you are genuinely happy with the way he talks to you then ...

If have to consider leaving the marriage. Who needs grief like this when you could have a loving relationship or marriage with someone else.

Finally, this shows how not discussing things in a relationship can bite anyone in the ass!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 11/05/2017 08:04

So, he would constantly steer conversations away from past relationsips yet was upset that you didn't tell him you were married?! OK, I can see that it would've come as a shock to him initially but he was then given the option of ending the engagement but he said no. He then went ahead and got married but it still harping on about it 4 years later! It wasn't a deliberate omission due to it being common knowledge in the place you both work.

I wonder if he's jealous that you have more experience of relationships than him, and that's why he can't let it go, rather than still being annoyed you didn't tell him. Did he expect you to be a virgin too?!

Eolian · 11/05/2017 08:06

You have to make it clear. "I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I genuinely thought you knew. However, you had the chance to break off the engagement and you didn't. I will not tolerate you using this as a stick to beat me with every time we have an argument. Get over it or we're done."

diddl · 11/05/2017 08:06

"speaking as someone who told my now dh about my xh on the second date."

Second??

I told mine on the firstGrin

I do think that it seems odd to have not just told him, even if he didn't want to talk about past relationships.

However, the fact that he still brings it up reflects really badly on him.

MissShittyBennet · 11/05/2017 08:08

I wouldn't have been very impressed to have got two years in before finding out you'd been married before. But if he felt strongly about either the previous marriage or the failure to mention it, that was his cue not to marry you at the time.

Original poster
Betterloveme · 11/05/2017 08:09

For the record and quite ironically, with other partners and even on dates I've always mentioned my previous marriage right at the beginning. I really did think he knew.

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 11/05/2017 08:09

^Oh no, you don't get to have it both ways. Either you go for full disclosure about past relationships or you decide (weirdly IMO but each to their own) to pretend that the past is another life and you don't discuss it.

What he's doing is what my gran would call a bugger's muddle between the two.

I think you need serious conversation about this - he really needs to let it go or I don't see how you have a future together. I'm serious - this sort of thing can have a horrible effect on a LTR^
This, completely.
If he was too jealous to discuss relationships when you attempted to, he doesn't get to be so upset he's still bleating on 4 years later. Especially when he had an out at the time.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 11/05/2017 08:13

Yup as someone else said he's found his metaphorical stick to beat you with and sounds like he likes the power of using it. Why does he keep bringing it up. Past is past and you've been married 4 years. Does he never make any mistakes?

Naicehamshop · 11/05/2017 08:14

Ffs MissShittyBennet and others. She told him before they got married and asked him if he wanted to call it off - he said no. I understand it may have been harder to deal with than he thought, but he can't keep attacking her over it.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 11/05/2017 08:15

He can't have it both ways. He can't refuse to talk about your relationship history then get pissed off when you tell him later than he thought was appropriate. You didn't deliberately keep it from him FFS.
OP, what does he say when he has a go at you about this? I'm curious to know how it can keep being brought up all this time later.

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