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Original poster

I would not have a problem if my partner had an affair

105 replies

lickmylegs · 10/05/2017 18:49

I've read a lot of posts here about affairs. I'm trying to reason with my feelings. If my partner had an affair - it really wouldn't bother me?? But why do I feel this way??

OP posts:
PookieDo · 11/05/2017 11:16

Is it not a lot of extra hassle. I conclude I am far too lazy to be able to keep this up!

Malbec1983 · 11/05/2017 11:21

Haha! Yes, sometimes it is. But the pros far outweigh the cons for me.

Offred · 11/05/2017 11:35

People are all different.

People should try to be happy.

Any one formula for relationships is not better than another, after all a relationship is based on different people who meet in the middle with compatible needs.

I hate the 'oh aren't we so enlightened rejecting the social conditioning to be monogamous' as much as the prejudice against people in non-monogamous relationships.

It's different strokes for different folks innit? And the only requirement is that you have respect for the other person's boundaries as well as your own...

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 11:37

Yeah it doesn't make a lot of sense to me but i don't believe we are all the same. I'm kind of intrigued by it. I have no problem with people who are open and honest about it maybe baffled by their energy and reason but not in judgement.. more out of curiosity!

Ilovepeppa · 11/05/2017 12:06

I just don't see the point of an "open" relationship.

If you want to fuck around then be single and do it. Cause someone will get hurt eventually.

My DH had a ONS recently. He confessed but I hate him for it and how's it made me feel.

Malbec1983 · 11/05/2017 12:09

Relationships in general, social norm or not, are fascinating to other people. Which is why this board gets so much traffic.

No one's free of being judged, really. You see it in LTB threads where people won't or can't, you see it in the great SAHM/WOHM debates, you see it in parenting choices all the time.

noego · 11/05/2017 12:09

Some of us have recognised that the programming and conditioning of society. I.e. Education, religion, politics, media are not for us and we choose to be liberated from what is termed a normal existence. The 9 -5, the married with 2.2. kids, live in a box, drive a box, comply with social structures and choose to live outside of the box. Relationship anarchy is one of those terms used for open, poly, non monogamous relationships because they are not deemed as "normal"

It is an individual choice and one that is far more natural in my opinion.

Oblomov17 · 11/05/2017 12:12

I agree with Peppa. Op is just taking the piss.
Nothing wrong with an open relationship if that's what floats your boat. If both KNOW that this is what it is.
Not for me, personally. But I don't have a problem with the idea.
But OP: what is trust? what is love?
Come on. Purrlease.

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 12:13

Well I don't believe I choose monogamy because of what society tells me is right, I do it because it is what feels right for me. I don't believe I am living unnaturally either

IrianOfW · 11/05/2017 12:13

Just sex - no problem I guess. Sex and love and time spent etc - would be a problem. IME the one tends to lead to the other. That's the issue for me. I don't mind that much about not being the only woman my H has sex with - I do expect to be the only woman he loves, prioritises and wants to grow old with.

BTW H had an affair - what hurt was that he thought he loved her and he offered her emotional support in a way that he seemed not to be able to do with me.

alonsypot · 11/05/2017 12:19

Of course it's a pisstake. Grin

Noego's replies have been hilarious too, especially for someone who claims to have no ego

Oblomov17 · 11/05/2017 12:21

What drives us(some of us) to only want one person? What makes us say, yes I've had sex with others, but I don't want them anymore. I only want you. And I want you to want me in the same way. Forsake all others.
I don't want anyone else, other than my dh.
Of course other people are attractive. I've got a bit of a 'thang' for Jon Snow(GoT), Uhtred(Last Kingdom), Erik(Last kingdom), but I wouldn't sacrifice what I have and need from dh, the care, the sharing, for that.

I would not have a problem if my partner had an affair
Malbec1983 · 11/05/2017 12:24

Getting into arguments about what is and isn't natural is a dead end that leads nowhere good.

Successful relationships aren't ones that look a certain way. They're ones where everyone involved is happy or content with them.

yetmorecrap · 11/05/2017 12:31

My husband had a "non" affair/crush a long time ago with quite a young woman(20 years younger than him) chose to wrote longing songs and record them in our house about someone else we knew and worked with us. This was combined with a lot of texting. He absolutely is insistent she knew nothing and Ive seen nothing really to indicate she did apart from she gave him a painting she had done and called him"angel" on a couple of textts--she is a bit hippy anyway! I only found this stuff 5 months ago. What it has taught me is that lying/gaslighting/spending time and effort on another woman and continuing commenting on FB (albeit just neutral pleasant comments) I personally find far more devastating mentally to me than if he had a ONS with someone and harder to get over although I feel better than I did . I guess this is a very individual thing, for some women it would be all about the sex, for others its about the emotional/love aspects and for some it would be either. I think it really depends what kind of a relationship you have and how you perceived your partner and what stage of life you are at too.

MovingtoParadise · 11/05/2017 12:42

Yuk. It's nothing like eating or drinking Hmm

Kissing my dh after he's been slurping on a tomato is NOT the same as kissing him after he's been licking another woman's clitoris.

I'm entirely grossed out at the sharing of intimate skin cells - the idea he could be kissing/fucking/sucking another and then transferring strangers cells onto me makes me want to heave.

Malbec1983 · 11/05/2017 12:46

It is, of course, polite to shower and clean your teeth between partners when you're fucking more than one person at a time consecutively. A bit like how you'd shower and clean your teeth on a daily basis anyway, usually.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 11/05/2017 12:50

Op, would it bother you if your DP got someone else pregnant or would you be cool with that too? No contraception is 100% effective unless everyone involved in an open relationship has been sterilised.

MovingtoParadise · 11/05/2017 12:56

Yeah but you watch CSI Malbec Grin That spunk and vaginal fluid gets everywhere.

Oblomov17 · 11/05/2017 13:01

Doesn't the emotional side develop? You shag and shag and then realise that you actually find that person very attractive, as a person. Want to spend more time with them. Want to go out and party,dance, visit Paris, show them off to your friends at a party.

You could do that with 2 people. You MAY become more attracted to one than the other? Why waste your time with the other? You may then want that one person to commit to you. You may not want to share them with anyone else.

Offred · 11/05/2017 13:04

Urgh I can't stand the smuggery of 'well you know we are just free of social norms'...

Yes, there are social norms. Yes, sometimes if a person who doesn't fit with social norms and they try to it will make them unhappy, but that is a looooooong way from actually believing that you and your peers are some kind of superior beings that have found The. Right. Way. To. Be....

Surely what is to be applauded is anyone who has the conviction and strength to find the way that optimises their happiness and the happiness of those around them?

yetmorecrap · 11/05/2017 13:11

Yep, Im a pretty liberal gal-- but those social norms appear to pop up in my mindset when push comes to shove. I would say if you dont mind shagging around, are happy with multi relationships at same time, then fair enough, dont presume however you will always feel that way if you feel deeply enough about someone and have invested time, love and yes hard cash in other relationships. .

Malbec1983 · 11/05/2017 13:18

I know lots of people who are married, with kids, with other long-term (like, five years, ten years long) relationships ongoing. Some people have relationships of three or more people together for decades, with other more short-term relationships as well. The possibilities are literally endless.

If you're not monogamous, your relationships don't tend to follow monogamous patterns. Sometimes they might, but it's not a given.

nachogazpacho · 11/05/2017 13:27

Sex is one thing.

But what if he enjoyed being with another woman more than you? In secret. With got finding out by accident. Then he dithered about whether he wanted to live with you or her. Would that not evoke any negative feelings?

nachogazpacho · 11/05/2017 13:30

Having thought about it,the times I've been cheated on devastated me because my self esteem was rock bottom and if I'd had the esteem I have now I would have been angry but not as devastated.

SecondMrsAshwell · 11/05/2017 13:42

I don't are what he does. So long as he is happy.

Sounds like a fairly dangerous way forward to me.

If he decided that he would be happy, maxing out the cards, taking out debts in your name, selling all off your possessions, including the house, pushing off to Las Vegas and gambling the whole lot away, leaving you with just the clothes you're standing up in, you'd be okay with that as long as he's happy?

But then again, I think you're one of those guys (wiped out the original term) from the porn sites, albeit slightly brighter and more tenacious than the rest. Why? Because you have lit this fire and bogged off. Instead of discussing what you would do, why you think this is the way forward for you, you have said that you're a woman who wouldn't care. I do not for one second get the feeling that you are a woman. Even if you do like PJ Harvey (easily Googled).

Personally speaking, I'm strictly monogamous. Polyamory is not my bag. I have 2 close non-sexual male friends and I find it emotionally exhausting trying to balance them. Can't think how I'd manage if sex were thrown in. That doesn't mean to say that I think monogamy's for everyone. If it's not your thing and everyone's clear about everything and happy with it, take it away.