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Relationships

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Original poster

I would not have a problem if my partner had an affair

105 replies

lickmylegs · 10/05/2017 18:49

I've read a lot of posts here about affairs. I'm trying to reason with my feelings. If my partner had an affair - it really wouldn't bother me?? But why do I feel this way??

OP posts:

NeverEnoughCushions · 10/05/2017 20:11

Depends whether or not the deceived minds having been deceived.

If someone discovers they've been deceived, it would be reasonable for them to be pissed off. And it would be reasonable for them to remove themselves from the deceiver's sphere.

Your posts read like you wouldn't mind if you found out you'd been repeatedly lied to.

Which is fine if that's how you really feel. But I don't understand why you wouldn't care that someone had treated you badly.

Thinkingofausername1 · 10/05/2017 20:25

I'm half and half. I would be devistated but because of chronic Illness, I feel I can't meet all his needs and wouldn't be surprised if at some point he cheats.

noego · 10/05/2017 20:27

I'm getting a little confused here. Does your partner have free licence to shag anyone? Does he have to report back or not? If you find people sexually attractive is it okay for you to shag them and not report back? A relationship is either open or closed, it cannot be both. Open without lies and deceit is acceptable isn't it?

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/05/2017 20:30

I love lots of people, but not in the same way I love my partner. Because that's a different kind of love, isn't it? You don't love a parent/child/friend/partner in the same way.

There's nothing wrong with finding someone else attractive, it's quite natural I think. Acting on it every time, that is problematic unless you have agreed to have an open relationship.

I think it's bollocks that you can only expect faithfulness if you are married, as implied above. Long term monogamy with just one person for 50 years isn't for everyone and is hard to achieve in our modern world where putting up and shutting up is no longer the norm. But monogamy whilst you are committed to that one person, is I think human nature.

crunched · 10/05/2017 20:33

The last wedding I went to - non-religious- the couple's vows contained the words "be loyal to you always" and "to stay together for life". I don't know if couple's write their own vows in a registry office/licensed venue, I presume they did, these promises were written on the order of service. A humanist service I attended said similar as I recall.
So no, I don't believe you have to be religious to make a lifelong commitment to another person.
But you clearly haven't committed to anything like this, so, as long as you aren't hurting anyone I don't understand why you think you would/should care about you or your partner having sex with anyone else?

WinchestersInATardis · 10/05/2017 20:34

Loves51 it completely depends on what you work out between yourselves. Some people prefer to discuss with partners first to check they're happy, others don't mind who does what when. Everyone has different rules (Or none) depending on what works for them.
Personally I think of it as similar to sharing this kind of thing with your best friend. They'll already know you think Ian from Accounts is hot (to use your example) and that you're hoping to get lucky after the office do, and if you do shag him, you'll then share that information and they'll go 'ooooh' and probably tease you a bit about it.
Openness and honesty is key, if for no reason than to keep safe. I've found that poly people tend to be a lot stricter and open about talking about safe sex before getting down to it than the non-poly folk I've been with.

PookieDo · 10/05/2017 20:40

For me this isn't about a sex act it's about the intimacy. I would be devastated for my DP to kiss someone else the way he kisses me, the way he holds me in his arms and the deep personal things we talk about. And I wouldn't know when that line would be crossed in an open relationship would I? Losing that intimacy to another person would just make us no more than friends? All the things that make us special I think would be lost if it wasn't exclusive. A drunken ONS I could probably forgive or understand but not anything more intense or meaningful

naturalbaby · 10/05/2017 21:08

I had a similar conversation with DH recently. In theory I would only have a problem with the secrecy, time and financial implications.

At the same time we're both very traditional and totally committed to our wedding vows.

Malbec1983 · 10/05/2017 21:30

PookieDo I'm in an open relationship and the way I think about the things you've raised in your post is like this: it's not possible for my partner to kiss someone else how he kisses me, because that kissing is unique to us as a couple. If I'm not there, the kisses are different, because it's not just him kissing me, it's me kissing him too. Us kissing each other is its own special thing.

I don't lose anything by my partner kissing someone else because there isn't a finite number of kisses to spend and then the kisses run out. And the same applies to other forms of intimacy.

Just as I don't feel particularly threatened by close friendships, which take time and energy and emotion, or by work (which often takes far more time, energy and emotion than any relationship), another sexual/romantic relationship isn't detracting from the things that make our relationship unique and special.

Logistics is a whole other issue, but the emotions are often quite manageable!

PookieDo · 10/05/2017 21:41

Whilst I don't believe 'humans mate for life' I also just find open the idea of open relationships quite pointless, for me anyway. But then I haven't found myself in the kind of situation where it's ever been something I feel I would need. I don't think it would work that way for me, sorry. Obviously kissing and intimacy is infinite. I get from my partner a kind of intimacy I don't want to share and I think that's ok for me at least. I would find an open relationship just pointless - sex for me is only enjoyable and special when it is something only we share. I've had ONS and FWB etc and in all honesty none of them ever measure up to the feeling I get with my partner - so I wouldn't see the point. I don't need casual sex encounters to do anything for myself as an individual, even for fun. I have enough fun with him to not desire it elsewhere and if I was in some kind of 'best friends' marriage with no sex then I probably would not stay.

Each to their own though.

Malbec1983 · 10/05/2017 21:54

Each to their own, of course.

I think the main problem with monogamy for me is that I can't understand it either logically or emotionally. I know other people can, but I can't. So I guess I see where the OP is coming from.

Openness and honesty is key, if for no reason than to keep safe. I've found that poly people tend to be a lot stricter and open about talking about safe sex before getting down to it than the non-poly folk I've been with.

This is absolutely my experience too, Winchesters

AnyFucker · 10/05/2017 21:58

Well, it wouldn't be an "affair" if you knew about it

Affairs thrive on secrecy and deceit. Take away that, and for many people the attraction of them disappears

yetmorecrap · 10/05/2017 22:42

IT really depends what you mean by 'partner' if you were married or in a committed monogamous relationship, I think it would, in my experience it's not the sex, it's the lies, the deception, the secrecy and the general mindfuckery it involves

tabbykitt · 10/05/2017 22:48

You can't say until it's happened to you.

tabbykitt · 10/05/2017 22:49

It's not just about the hideous reality of what they've done, it's about the lying.

Love51 · 10/05/2017 22:54

Thank you Winchesters.

OdinsLoveChild · 10/05/2017 23:10

Love51 I cant remember how it really happened.

When we first got together we both said we didn't want a long term full on commitment just a bit of fun but that we both wanted to still see other people.

It stopped for a while when we got married and everyone had expectations that we would both behave. I got really miserable and sat my DH down and said I really missed the fun times I used to have doing whatever I wanted. He said he was relieved because he was feeling the same. We both agreed that we wanted to go out and flirt/have sex/swing without losing each other and we both laid down our ground rules.
No lies, no secrets, no one to come to our home, no repeat sexual partners except for one or two times a year at specific events we attend. No married partners unless its known they swing. Always use protection and remember its fun not serious stuff.

Its been brilliant for us. Its a complete release and it made us closer as a couple.

I am a bit of a hippy too op.

LucyLocketLostIt · 10/05/2017 23:12

It's the lying that's the worst thing.

springydaffs · 11/05/2017 00:23

RELIGIOUS promises. Who believes in all that there days???

Quite a few op. The (vast) majority, I'd say.

SandyY2K · 11/05/2017 00:27

If your happy for him to have an affair, that's good for you. You don't have to fit into social norms and have an issue with it, so I can't see what the purpose of the thread is TBH.

Ilovepeppa · 11/05/2017 09:42

Lickmylegs is taking the piss I think.

Have you read her replies. "What is love" "what is trust"

Basically your DH can fuck who he wants as you just want him to be happy.....seriously!!

noego · 11/05/2017 10:29

Some of us don't live in the matrix. Sexual attraction towards another is natural and if reciprocated should it be supressed? And who says it should be supressed? And should we believe those who say it should be supressed?

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 10:30

I was kind of asking what giving in to it actually benefits to your life? Really? Is it fulfilling?

Malbec1983 · 11/05/2017 11:12

Benefits of having more than one relationship include, for me, having more than one relationship.

PortiaCastis · 11/05/2017 11:14

Depends how many people get hurt

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