I would not have a problem if my partner had an affair

[lickmylegs]

I've read a lot of posts here about affairs. I'm trying to reason with my feelings. If my partner had an affair - it really wouldn't bother me?? But why do I feel this way??

oh yes, of course, remember he will start treating you like shit if its an affair. forgot that part!

I thought that about my ex, towards the end. It was a big old red flag I just couldn't see for what it was at the time.

My new partner? I'd be devastated if he cheated.

Oh, and not forgetting listening to your children cry every night because they cannot work out why Daddy would make 5 other people so unhappy just so he could be happy himself. That's the question I find hardest to answer and it breaks my heart every time they ask me it.

There is a huge difference between cheating and simply having sex with someone else.
Affairs and cheating involve lies and deceitfulness by their nature. The hurt from an affair isn't about the sex. It's the deception involved.
I've been in poly relationships and mine have worked well, but only because everyone was honest and respectful of feelings.
If any of my poly partners had gone behind my back and lied about it, I would have considered that cheating and ended the relationship, even though I wouldn't have minded the sex if they'd been open and respectful about it.
Quite happy for a DP to bonk themselves silly but would not stay with a liar.
That said, I do think a lot of folks are naturally monogamous. Each to their own.

My name is PJ Harvey inspired, She is a goddess.

WOuld it bother you if you discovered he'd lied to you about something else huge, like loads of secret debt?

Because while I can totally see what you're saying about wanting him to be happy, etc, I think the most destructive thing about affairs is the lies and the inherent disrespect on which they're predicated.

If my partner ever lied to me about anything, from sex to money to drugs, I would be gutted.

I would still want my partner to be their 'own person' and not controlled by me??

I am not 'in charge' of another person or their feelings? I want them to be their own person.

Do you see the expectation respectful treatment as being 'controlling'?

Is your self esteem very low?

Maybe you are more wired for polygamy or not that specifically but non monogamy. I don't think it's that far fetched, some people must be strongly wired that way.

It's weird isn't it the extent that social conditioning affects us. But I do agree with others that you can definitely feel one way in principle/hypothetically and another way entirely when something happens to you.

But is it?? I don't define my self worth in anyone else's terms. Except my own???

Then make it clear to him he, and you, are free to have sex with whomever you please. Then it's not an affair, it's an open relationship.

His own person who is completely detached from you, lies to you, is emotionally bonded to another woman confides in her, not you...

If a man loves you he won't do that, he doesn't need to be controlled, he'll choose to be honest, respectful and stay emotionally attached to you.

As others have said there's a huge difference between sex, an affair and an open relationship.

You're not in charge of another person's feelings, no. But you must have some idea of where your own bar is set?

Just think that every individual should be free to have their own thoughts and ideas - and not conditioned by others

I don't are what he does. So long as he is happy.

And as other posters have said, affairs are often accompanied by nastiness to the cheated-upon because the cheater needs to justify why it's okay to themselves so they persuade themselves that DH/DW is too busy/dull/fat/whatever and get resentful. That tends to manifest in grumpiness, passive-aggressiveness and put downs to the unsuspecting DH/DW whose self-esteem takes a knock from their loved one's behaviour, even if they don't find out why.
Again, as I said above, open relationships are one thing but affairs are always nasty.

If someone you love and trust, and who purports to love you, lies and deceives you, then I think that is pretty shabby treatment. And it wouldn't be 'controlling' to say so.

Unless you genuinely wouldn't mind being lied to and deceived? In which case, you either have a very low bar of what's acceptable, or you are so emotionally disengaged that you're indifferent.

odin I've heard that before, that in open relationships you tell the other person. I've always had a niggle about the logistics and order of events. I realise it could work differently for different couples / groups, but...
What comes first, the telling or the act?
Do you say ooh, I fancy Ian from accounts, might ask him out.
Or go to a swingers club.
Or shag Ian from accounts then tell your main partner after.
Do you just say 'I shagged Ian' or do you go into details about who did what, put what where, and orgasmed when.

Just wondering how it works in practice!

But what is trust?? I think you can love someone, but deceive them because you don't follow the norm x

l love PJ Harvey x

This is a partner, not a husband, so no promises of being faithful need to have been made.
So if no deception is involved and you are both happy with an open relationship, why do you feel odd not being concerned about partner having sex with another person?
I am not belittling the pain of being cheated on, you just don't operate like most? some of us do.

What's wrong in loving another person??

And what's wrong in finding another person sexually attractive??

RELIGIOUS promises. Who believes in all that there days???