I literally have zero friends

[loveinasuitcase]

I know this type of thread has probably came up loads, but I actually have zero friends. Like as in of any kind. No share a coffee type friends, no go to the pub or a movie types of friends. No one I could call if I was in trouble. No one to go on girls night with. No one to have any type of relationship at all.
I am married, but anyone who talks to me only knows me through my DH and even then no one would ever dream of asking me to join them.
I thought yesterday that if I died, precisely no one would be at my funeral for me. They would only be there to support DH. I am a nice person and I think I am quite attractive ( not a brag, people often tell DH he is punching well above his weight with me etc) so I genuinely don't understand why I don't have a friend.
I didn't have any friends in high school either but I've not been bullied or anything and people would talk to me but would never call me or anything.
I am nearing 40 and I have never been to the pictures with a couple of girlfriends or been out to the pub with friends.
I've never been in anyone's wedding. I didn't even have bridesmaids in mine because I literally didn't have anyone to ask.
I've never had a girls holiday or weekend away.
I really don't understand it at all and I feel really cheated out of the whole part of a woman's life.
It's bothering me lately as DH and I have fell out this week and I have no one to talk to about anything.

I think the fact that you have never had friends means you have problems with social cues and communicating in the right way in order to turn acquaintances into different types of friendships (casual/party/someone you would call at 4am etc....). So if you put yourself in situations now to meet new people you must freeze up, I know I would.

What does your husband say in terms of how you come across or communicate or other people? His friend's wives?

Once you know how you come across; aloof/shy/too talkative/too intense or whatever it is, then you know what you are dealing with and can work on improving your communication skills.

As they say, madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. So, treat it like a job, find out what it is that is stopping you from making friends, and look to make small changes.

It will be tough, none of us is perfect, I know some of my personality traits aren't everyone's cup of tea, but I'm sure you find your tribe.

I totally get that I need to make effort on my part, but the thing is, no one ever asks me to join them. . . Like how to make that jump? Do I just ask to come? It seems rather desperate on my behalf and I think they would be weirded out if I did this.

No you don't ASK to join them. What you do is YOU ASK someone you like to do something with YOU. Organise something yourself.

So as others have said, invite a mum who walks your way to stop for a coffee on the way after dropping kids off. Invite someone for a quick drink.

The other thing is I would focus on what you feel passionate about. Is there anything you love? Doesn't matter what - but something that you get excited about - art house films, poker, chess, Coronation Street, drawing, darts, knitting, historic buildings, cooking.

Think of something like this and then look for a regular activity to do that is related - a course or a club or volunteering as a guide at the local historic building. If you do this, you will meet people you have something in common with AND get to know them through the repeat activity. it's then easier to transition into the "fancy coming for a drink/going to visit another historic building/go to this talk on knitting with me" - because you know what you have in common.

OP, im the same. I literally have 2 friends.

I don't work and not from this area and unfortunately the people from the town I live in are very strange...they only mix with locals!!

There are a couple of mums that I chat to and one I have breakfast with occasionally but I would love a night out with a friend.

I have just joined my local meet up group (meetup.com) and going to my first event on Friday evening. The members might not be my kind of people but I can only try.

I need more friends, so If anyone lives in Warwickshire area send me a message.

For me its more of a recent thing, since I had DC tbh. It can be v isolating. I chat loads to other mums, have arranged playdates, and its all fine polite small talk but it never progresses to friendships despite my best attempts to suggest a drink or coffee without the DCs or something with the kids but that lasts longer than an hour of chat about the weather, school etc. So its not always to do with not making an effort or being able to read social cues. Ive pondered the whys a lot and I think because I dress a bit differently there is an assumption that I wont have much in common with the other mums. I was admitted to hospital recently and other mums helped out with school runs. 5 mins of polite chat at the doorstep even then. Despite my best "would you like to come in for a cuppa, Im going a bit stir crazy and would love a catch up". It does start to really get to you after a while.

I'm South Lanarkshire OP, are you this end of Glasgow ish?

I agree, that it isn't always to do with social cues. People's lives change, move towns etc. But the OP says she has never had a friend which means it is something more than a change of location or just bad luck.

I was interested to read that a PP said she made friends at her yoga/fitness class. I'm in London (but not from London) and if I tried to speak to folks in my yoga class they'd think I was either crazy or trying to get money out of them.

dazed, I know what you mean, it's not quite like that where I am, but when I am at a yoga class, I wan't to do yoga. When I have run into other participants from the class, they have been friendly and chatty, depending on the context.

I don't think a yoga or other class is a great place to meet people. Volunteering might be. Or Meetup or other interest groups. I'm Danish, so I am a member of a local Scandinavian club and a Danish club. I haven't made any friends there, but it's early days, and it's very nice to meet up with like minded people.

I think also partly the internet is to blame! MN and FB are my social "outlets" most days. I imagine many people get their social fix via Instagram and other social websites. It's not the same though, there is not much effort required, and it takes away time from real life.

Another one feeling lonely here! I moved up to area in now in when I was starting mat leave in 2013. Fast forward to now and I haven't really made any friends outside of salon I work in. I did recently get myself a road bike and I go out with the beginner cycle groups on a Thurs and sun.
Other than that I do feel really lonely at times. Feel like I never see any one other than his family.

I sympathise, OP. When a friendship is good and healthy, it's a wonderful thing. But having said that, these days with our busy lives and social media in between, good friendships are hard to find. Don't be deceived by the FB photos, the girls' nights out etc. There's a lot more going on behind the scenes that you don't know. We live in a very image orientated times, and we don't know what is really going on with those people.

Over the years, I've had many friends, probably too many, to be honest. And I lost touch, for various reasons, with lots of them too. Looking back, my 30's were the most stressful times because of that. It left me quite depressed and anxious as well.

Friendships are good, but they can drain you too if you don't manage them. I find it very hard to have groups of friends, and by far, prefer closer one to one relationships, as there's a lot gossiping and backstabbing in groups.

Lately, I only have about 4 good friends on top of my list. People who I feel really comfortable with and trust to a great extent. and then people who are friends but I don't expect a lot from. So if they decide to go and live abroad and I don't hear from them in ages, I'm sort of prepared not to be too hurt about it.

Lately, I realise the days I enjoy the most are the people free days. Going for coffee on my own and reading the newspaper is bliss to me. Maybe because I'm in my 40's now, I really enjoy my own company and a drama free life. So my advice, OP, would be to open up to people a bit more and make more of an effort to initiate contact, but in the meantime enjoy your life as it is too and count your blessings that nobody is talking about you and your family behind your back.

I don't make friends easily which surprises some people because I am really outgoing, appear confident, I'm friendly and have a good sense of humour. I just struggle with moving from acquaintances to close friendships. Most people seem to see me as someone who is nice to talk to, fun to be around but not worthy of a close friendship.

Last year I met my friend and she has been a complete blessing. She is the first real close friend ive made in bloody years and years. We just clicked and she is so forward that there was never any doubt she wanted to be my friend. I fear rejection, I find it scary as fuck asking anyone for a coffee. As soon as she asked me once I was fine about asking her to do something with me another time.

I am 35 and it took bloody years to find her. I think it gets harder the older we get. I would love to meet more friends but it has taken me this long to get a really lovely one. Although I have always had people to socialise with, mostly family and my mum's friends (:blush)

I am sorry you are feeling lonely. You have had some good ideas here. I hope like me things turn around and you meet someone who you just click with.

Margo, I also enjoy my own company very much, I love the silence when my DH is away (we both work from home).

U2, how lovely to hear that you have found a really good friend, I am truly happy for you, and I hope I will also find a friend one day.

I do think that family life as it is these days can be hindering friendships. I certainly have no urge to go out in the evening, I just want to read my book and go to bed early ;) The weekends are often busy with family outings or DIY etc.

I had tons of friends at uni, but I lived in a shared house, and we had at least 4 big house parties every year. I still consider some of these people my friends, but I have moved so much that I don't see them very often.

I think people are tribal! I have had every type of event in this house I can think of and invited loads of people down the years but I feel rejected and rarely get invited back from the vast majority. I have joined in with keep fit, done the school
PTA, been on the committee for the village hall, organised events, been a school governor and my DH has numerous business contacts but I do not fit in anywhere. Nothing has produced friends, just acquaintances. We do have friends from before children but they have all moved away except one couple. They are now thinking of going as retirement is on the horizon so that will be total isolation. DH doesn't seem to care and comes from a family with no friendships either. I am not looking forward to my future. I cannot imagine my funeral would be well attended and DH probably wouldn't contact anyone to say I wasn't around anymore!

OP I too am in the Glasgow (ish) area and I struggle with friendships. I sometimes feel that I have no friends at all, apart from DH, although I do have people I catch up with for coffee from time to time. I don't get invited to things very often - not because people don't like me (I hope), they just don't think to invite me.

I'm working really hard to make friends right now and would love to meet you for coffee, if you'd like to.

I'm rubbish on mumsnet and don't know how to send personal messages on the app. If you fancy a coffee date, pm me!

I have a brilliant OH and she and I do lots together, however, its always us and her friends etc. I have no close friends of my own (they were all phased out by an abusive ex)
This thread has inspired me to make an effort so i have emailed 5 people from my facebook list with 'Hi, how are you? Do you fancy meeting up for a natter, coffee, tea sometime?'

i have had 2 people say they want to meet for coffee, one has set a date for next week!

(one has blocked me! oops!!)

these are people i used to work with and didnt socialise with but know they are nice people, one is someone i have met through my OH (but not her friend), no idea what we will talk about!!!

if it goes well I will email another 5 next week, a couple of my facebook friends have mutual friends....maybe this could start something!

You did mention that you were on the PTA. Problem is, some of the other mums might think that you are going to 'rope them in', if you get too friendly.
I fell for it when DD1 first went to pre-school. A mum there was all friendly and nice, but she only wanted me to join the committee, then she scarpered! Left me holding the whole pre-school's future in my hands. So after that, I made sure to NEVER be friends with PTA parents, however nice they were.
Sorry!

I'm an hour from Glasgow! About same from Ayrshire too. Maybe the three of us could meet up for girly chat, coffee, meet up! PM me if interested! X

I'm bloody brilliant at making friends - shit at keeping them though because I'm mental (certified lol) and can't keep up the momentum of keeping in touch, I tend to fall off the radar quite a bit when my MH is bad. So only the hardy / understanding / busy themselves ones stick around. But making friends can be straightforward -

1. Play dates. Gets you on people's radar, invite parent in for coffee at start / end of play date, or ask if they'd like to stay.

1. Join classes. It can feel awkward at first but keep going, every single week, just keep at it. Once your face is familiar, the path for friendship opens up. Once you're having regular conversations / exchanges with people, suggest grabbing a coffee before or after.

1. Look online for meet up type groups. This could be great actually. People there will be in a similar position for whatever reason.

You're not the only one OP.

I think as you get older and have children etc, it gets harder to make friends.
I had my first child at 18 and stopped having friends after that. I didn't have time I was ebf and a very devoted mother, determined to put 100% into raising my dd.

Im nearly 30 and have recently started trying to make friends in the playground.
I try and drum up a conversation or laugh with them (pathetic I know) but just anything to make myself look sociable.
I just struggle with conversation unless they're family. My dp is also very sociable and has never had an enemy im or an awkward silence in his life.

I think the only way round this is to put yourself out there. Be honest and tell people you're looking for friendship.
Don't be ashamed, concentrating on family and life etc, is bound to take up most of your time.
I know this is a long shot, but Iv watched a lot of women talk about their late diagnosis of Aspergers, and nearly all of them struggle with making friends throughout their life. Is this something you've ever thought about op?
Sometimes it's better to accept the way you are, then feel like you're a shit person, because you are not a shit person!! A shit person, mugs old ladies, beats his wife or murders children. You've done nothing wrong! Xx

Great work ACurlyWurly

i feel the same. I'm in my 50s and my children are older so don't meet anyone in the dreaded playground or do playdates. Most of my friends are married so do stuff as couples and I feel a bit excluded.

I have one friend I've known for nearly 30 years. But no one else.

The friends I've had in the past always just seemed to use me in some way.

Isn't it interesting how experiences of making and having friends differs. I have a few friends although my two best friends who I was joined at the hip to died within 18 months of each other. I'm 55 so not sure if I will ever get a precious relationship like that again.

But once my first best friend died, I joined Meet Up.com and from all the groups on offer chose one for women only, over 50s. This helped me to see what I wanted from friendships, how I was in a group etc., lots of hugely different personalities and we all sorted ourselves into groups within the group. I have left my group now, I couldn't keep up with the social life, but I did make one very good friend there and we meet regularly - she's now the one I moan to about everything ( and she returns the favour of course!) - have a google and see what there is in your area.

BTW my DD is only 16 but she is not outgoing and has only ever had a handful of friends most of whom have been pretty shit friends TBH; she's been like this since she was a toddler so I think there is an element of some people just not having "it" when it comes to making friends - negative transference maybe? I'm hoping that when she goes to college she can start again and meet a wider range of people.

Op, I've moved countries a couple of times and in doing so you lose friends and need to make new ones.

The way I approached was dinner parties. I invited people round for dinner, couples we came into contact with, and in each country it's led to solid friendship circles and a social life, inc girls holidays. So a couple you and your husband know, about the same age range, ask two couples over, supply plenty of booze. Then they will invite.you back. Then ask the women if they want to meet for a coffee or a drink at rhe pub after you've had a couple of meals.

I see plenty of comments from you about how no one ever invites you, but at no stage did uou ever say you had actually extended an invite and invited someone yourself. So start there. Invite people over and have a small dinner party. Six people is about right inc uou and your husband. Make it as fun as possible, not formal, not sober, not where you portion the food and make it miserly, put on some good music, and take it from there.