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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH halted IVF and says he no longer loves me

121 replies

bird43 · 09/05/2017 11:39

So here's one... I'm desperate for advice...
I'm 43, DH is 37. Been together 14 years. Happy marriage. We have a 3 yo DS conceived through IVF. Always said we'd have 2 kids. We embarked on IVF last year using an egg donor (due to my age). We had 6 viable embryos, but literally a week before the embryo transfer DH announced he didn't love me and didn't want to proceed with the treatment. We froze the embryos. I was shocked and devastated but thought he'd come round in time. This all happened last September. We're 8 months down the line now. He's still living with us, but no longer behaves like a husband. He's a great dad and totally devoted to DS, which is why he's still here. The only reason I'm putting up with his non-husband like behaviour and attitude is because I'm DESPERATE to have another child. I'm 43 and this is definitely my last opportunity to give DS a sibling.
I contacted the fertility clinic yesterday and they confirmed I can go ahead with the embryo transfer but they need DH to sign a paper. I think he might if I really beg him, but I could then end up as a pregnant single mother.
I feel like this is going to have lasting repercussions on the rest of my life if I don't give these embryos the chance of life and I don't want to live my life full of regret. I'd love another baby. Our whole garage is full of all the baby stuff of our son's last 3 years. I've even got all my maternity clothes. I'm so confused and don't know where to go from here. Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:

HildaOg · 12/05/2017 09:48

He'll regret signing them over to you but you don't care about that or him or your son or any future babies, it's all about you and your wants. You're taking advantage of him while he's emotionally weak and under doctor care for mental health problems. If the sexes were reversed we'd be screaming abuse.

I wish he had a friend who could encourage him to get the hell away from you and give you nothing. He will hate you when he comes out of his depression and sees clearly.

Westray · 12/05/2017 09:55

There's also the ethical issue

OP I would say you are the one who needs to examine your ethical stance- not your OH.

deckoff · 12/05/2017 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 12/05/2017 10:01

He could change his mind about the embryos at any time. Why on earth would he want you to try have his DC when you're separating? What would be the care and financial arrangements?

Not good plan IMO.

Mulberry72 · 12/05/2017 10:04

I agree with everything Westray says above.

Your DH is depressed and vulnerable and you're blatantly taking advantage of him.

Good luck OP, you're definitely going to need it.

Westray · 12/05/2017 10:10

deckoff- not harsh at all.

This guy is being treated for depression, in a fragile and possible confused state of mind, and the OP takes advantage of this by having him sign over the rights to his future children.

Disgusting.

deckoff · 12/05/2017 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Westray · 12/05/2017 10:42

No one assumes that this guy has no agency- maybe he is just worn down by this pressure to procreate that his wife has put him under for so many years- and continues to do despite him wanting to leave the relationship and suffering depression.
No one is suggesting he is not capable of making his own decision, but he is certainly doing so under unfair pressure at a time when he is vulnerable, possibly just to get her off his back.

Because by the sounds of it the OP isn't going to give up the onslaught to get her claws into his genetic material.
Maybe giving in right now seems the easier option.

In any case what the OP is attempting to do is not the action of a good or decent person.

HildaOg · 12/05/2017 10:49

It's not projection deckoff, you're the one projecting. She's taking advantage of a very vulnerable man and if we're to treat men and women equally we have to hold them to the same standard. One partner who takes advantage of another when they are mentally weak and under psychological medical care to force their agenda is an abuser whether they are a man or a woman.

Recognising that and pointing it out is not bitterness or projection, it is disgust and frankly anger that someone be so selfish and morally bankrupt to do that.

Argue the point and stop trying to denigrate individual posters who don't agree with your viewpoint on the entitlement of abusers to manipulate the mentally ill for their own personal gain.

deckoff · 12/05/2017 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Westray · 12/05/2017 11:20

ignores that he wanted the children too

No it doesn't ignore that.

It makes the point that he no longer wants any more children- he has changed his mind- absolutely his right to do.

deckoff · 12/05/2017 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Westray · 12/05/2017 11:26

Sure - but then he can change his mind back again, can't he?

No idea what point you are trying to make.

NotYoda · 12/05/2017 11:27

People do not get prescribed Prozac because they think they are depressed. Something is not right here

Dozer · 12/05/2017 12:40

The potential DCs' interests also need to be considered. It would be in their interest to have a relationship with their biological father, through shared care or regular contact, and for him to pay maintenance.

I doubt OP's H will want that.

MaybeDoctor · 12/05/2017 12:56

From the OP's post above it is clear that he has agreed. The OP describes it as 'a good chat', not a blazing row.

Good luck OP - I hope the transfer is successful.

For anyone desperately worried about his rights in all this , he would still have a window in which to withdraw as the OP will need to begin a cycle with the clinic and they would not transfer without his written consent being in place. During that time the pills will kick in and hopefully he will be feeling clearer about the situation.

MaybeDoctor · 12/05/2017 12:58

You can also get counselling through your clinic OP, if that might help.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/05/2017 13:48

You'll never be able to get your head straight whilst he's living there. Ask him to leave. He can be a great father and not live there.

Right now he has the best of both worlds. Make him choose.

diddl · 12/05/2017 20:01

So for 8months he has been against this, now suddenly he is signing them over & moving out?

How does that even make sense?

Oh, & he's being treated for depression.

Original poster

bird43 · 12/05/2017 20:55

Thanks Deckoff for your defence against the usual keyboard warriors. I deeply appreciate your understanding and support.
Also thanks to all the other lovely ladies who've offered constructive, kind and helpful advice. I am extremely grateful.
I should have had blood tests at the fertility clinic today, however I didn't attend as I'm still deliberating everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

bird43 · 12/05/2017 21:00

Thanks Maybedoctor too. You're great! Think I'm going to wait a little longer
before doing anything. Watch this space! Xxx

OP posts:

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