DH halted IVF and says he no longer loves me

[bird43]

So here's one... I'm desperate for advice...
I'm 43, DH is 37. Been together 14 years. Happy marriage. We have a 3 yo DS conceived through IVF. Always said we'd have 2 kids. We embarked on IVF last year using an egg donor (due to my age). We had 6 viable embryos, but literally a week before the embryo transfer DH announced he didn't love me and didn't want to proceed with the treatment. We froze the embryos. I was shocked and devastated but thought he'd come round in time. This all happened last September. We're 8 months down the line now. He's still living with us, but no longer behaves like a husband. He's a great dad and totally devoted to DS, which is why he's still here. The only reason I'm putting up with his non-husband like behaviour and attitude is because I'm DESPERATE to have another child. I'm 43 and this is definitely my last opportunity to give DS a sibling.
I contacted the fertility clinic yesterday and they confirmed I can go ahead with the embryo transfer but they need DH to sign a paper. I think he might if I really beg him, but I could then end up as a pregnant single mother.
I feel like this is going to have lasting repercussions on the rest of my life if I don't give these embryos the chance of life and I don't want to live my life full of regret. I'd love another baby. Our whole garage is full of all the baby stuff of our son's last 3 years. I've even got all my maternity clothes. I'm so confused and don't know where to go from here. Any advice would be gratefully received.

I find it really strange on these boards that for some things there is an overwhelming surge of support - DH doesn't put the bins out, works full time but leaves his towel lying around, tells me he loves me several times a day but that OP had gone off him. MN rose to say LTB and poor you. But I have also found that if you are desperate to have another baby and your husband isn't, MN come down on HIS side - forget it you stupid woman, be glad for what you have, he's quite right etc.
I understand what the OP is saying. It is cruel, even sadistic. He KNOWS this will hurt like hell. Yes he is entitled to change his mind. I couldn't bear to have him in the house.
I am so sorry for you. I do understand.
You may have to start again with double donors. There are cheaper countries than Spain. Czech republic. North Cyprus. Ukraine.

I don't think it's cruelty or unethical as you put it, he has changed his mind that's all. If a marriage is in difficulty then TTC is madness so he is being very sensible.

It's all about what you want, maybe he has finally realised that and doesn't want to live like that.

If he calls time on the marriage he faces not seeing his child much, that's very likely what's keeping him in this limbo.

He clearly no longer wants to try for DC2, or to be married. If he is still unsure after many months of counselling etc then it seems clear the marriage is over IMO and the best thing would be to separate and try to move on.

But I have also found that if you are desperate to have another baby and your husband isn't, MN come down on HIS side - forget it you stupid woman, be glad for what you have, he's quite right etc.

It's nothing to do with being a " stupid woman" as you put it.
It's to do with the fact that not wanting to engage in parenthood trumps the desire to do so every time.
And on these boards it is must usually the woman wanting another child.

Forcing a woman to become pregnant against her will or being forced to continue an unwanted pregnancy is also horrific.

Why would you want to force parenthood on someone against their wishes?

Well, you could then argue that if a man didn't want a woman to continue the pregnancy, then she should have an abortion.

This is slightly different though, however there are embryos there. It's much more complicated now.

Well, you could then argue that if a man didn't want a woman to continue the pregnancy, then she should have an abortion.

He lost that right when he decided to embark on parenthood.

The OP isn't pregnant. She wants to become pregnant despite him not wanting to embark on parenthood.

Both adults have the right to decide whether to become parents.

It seems pretty clear cut to me.

I would only push for the pregnancy if I had a really strong support network (friends, family)

Different situation to yours, totally, but my DH worked away for months at a time, and we lived abroad, and I remember being pregnant with No. 2 when DS1 got really sick. I was hormonal and panicking and went through my list of 8 local friends, and everyone was out. With trembling fingers I called the last person on my list (a local playgroup mum) and when she answered the phone all I could do was sob. She came straight over, took us to Ae, the toddler was put on a drip (dehydrated) and all was fine in the end.

But I realised I really underestimated how vulnerable I would be on my own with a toddler and pregnant. And DH was only away for a month.

Just saying all this, as I think you need a seriously good support network before you even think of embarking on this.

I second the advice of spending the next 6 months on figuring things out with DH (either work on the relationship or split up), and decide after that.

I think trying to conceive in these circumstances would be madness.

But in any case, if your husband refused to sign the form, you wouldn't be able to try. And I don't think he will sign it, even if you beg him (which I think you shouldn't do).

You have a beautiful child which you very well might not have had. Focus on that.

I actually think the OH should have more say in the fate of these embyos- after all they are genetically 50% his.
The OP has no genetic investment in these embryos.

You have a point there Westray.

That's why I suggested she use donor sperm and donor egg if her desire is solely to have a second child and it is not linked to a desire to get back with her OH etc.

Personally, I don't see the difference if you are already using a donor egg, other than the child not having the same DNA as OP's first child. The appeal of this option probably depends on how much of this situation is genuinely driven by a desire to have a child before it is too late or not.

OP won't be able to use the embryos without her soon to be ex H's consent, which I doubt he would give (why would he?).

My marriage ended while I was pregnant with #2 and #1 was just a year old. I briefly considered abortion bit didn't. Now at 10 and 11 they're thriving.

There's no right or wrong way in this very unfortunate situation. OP you know yourself and hopefully you've carefully considered the price to pay for either option.

Also consider that you could end up very happy with only one child despite that not being your plan. Good luck.

I think go ahead with the transfer if you are prepared to raise the baby alone. If he agrees, then what is the ethical issue? Better him than an anonymous donor.

They embryos have already been conceived, now they just need to be given the chance to grow. No different to a couple who have intercourse then break up or go their separate ways.

A FET may not be successful, but this at least rolls the dice and gives the OP a final chance at having another child.

He's highly unlikely to agree to that.

No different to a couple who have intercourse then break up or go their separate ways.

It is different.

Because there is no pregnancy. Because the embryo is not biologically the OPs, but it is her OHs.
He should have more say in what happens to these embryos.

Separate properly then decide if you still want the second baby.

The OP says

"I'm 43 and this is definitely my last opportunity to give DS a sibling".

That is not a good enough reason. Your child will be totally loved anyway I am sure, as it is.

I just wonder at the desperation here. But I know I will be roared at.

The marriage is not working, you have a child. Bringing another in to that mix will break you IMO.

Anyway I doubt husband will give consent.

Time to go maybe and enjoy your life. Don't mean to sound cruel but there is no biological part of you in the embryos is there? It might not be that simple I know that, but that's the reality sadly.

It does all sound very desperate.

And there are two sides to every story.

I suffered from secondary infertility in my 40s, and it came as quite a shock to see how it was starting to dominate things, my life, my happiness, my relationship with my OH, our family life with our son.
Luckily I realised before any damage was done, but it made me take stock and re- evaluate what was actually important - my family, our son, my relationship with my OH, my own state of mind.
We abandoned plans for a second child to concentrate on steering ourselves into calmer waters.
As it happens just months after dropping the quest for a second I became pregnant anyway and went on to have a daughter.

Obsessing about the "could be" is removing yourself from valuing what you actually have.

Nice post Westray.

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to post and offer advice. It's been so helpful and reassuring.
Me and DH had a good chat last night. He's said that he'll sign the necessary paperwork to thaw the embryos. We've also agreed that he'll move out of our family home on Monday to give us both some space. Today he has been prescribed Prozac as he thinks he's depressed and this could be part of the reason that he's lost interest in everything.
I am erring on the side of going through with the embryo transfer. I feel like I'll never regret having a child, but I might regret NOT having one. I'm also aware that the treatment might not be successful (odds are about 50%), so I'm going to let fate take a hand now.
Thanks so much for all of the support and advice. X

Is this a good time for your OH to be embarking on another child?

"It's like he has been brainwashed"

"All we have talked about in the last 8 years is having kids"

The two could well be connected.

Sounds like he has fallen out of love due to this. There is more to a relationship than kids.

OP do you really want to have your OHs child under these circumstances?
He is depressed, you are splitting up and he is moving out?
In his state he is signing over these embryos to you.
Don't you feel that is taking advantage of him while he is vulnerable?
What do you mean let "fate" take its course- no you are about to embark on procedure to manipulate "fate" in your direction.

You know what OP, I feel very sorry for your OH.

You are being cruel and callous- so single minded and selfish in this quest that you won't let anything get in your way.

Good luck in your voyage, because ultimately it's going to be lonely.

Yes, if you believe in fate, letting it take it's course would mean you never had any embryos to implant in the first place because the donor eggs and IVF interfered with the natural course of things.

I don't believe in fate, I believe in decisions and responsibility, and I think you need to see this as a decision that you will need to see this in those terms.

I too think having him sign the paperwork could be exploitative and he may well deeply regret it. Of course you know him and the reverse could be true, if it is depression and he gets better he may end up being very grateful - but it is a massive risk and it is his life you would be making decisions about as well as yours and the child(ren).