DH halted IVF and says he no longer loves me

[bird43]

So here's one... I'm desperate for advice...
I'm 43, DH is 37. Been together 14 years. Happy marriage. We have a 3 yo DS conceived through IVF. Always said we'd have 2 kids. We embarked on IVF last year using an egg donor (due to my age). We had 6 viable embryos, but literally a week before the embryo transfer DH announced he didn't love me and didn't want to proceed with the treatment. We froze the embryos. I was shocked and devastated but thought he'd come round in time. This all happened last September. We're 8 months down the line now. He's still living with us, but no longer behaves like a husband. He's a great dad and totally devoted to DS, which is why he's still here. The only reason I'm putting up with his non-husband like behaviour and attitude is because I'm DESPERATE to have another child. I'm 43 and this is definitely my last opportunity to give DS a sibling.
I contacted the fertility clinic yesterday and they confirmed I can go ahead with the embryo transfer but they need DH to sign a paper. I think he might if I really beg him, but I could then end up as a pregnant single mother.
I feel like this is going to have lasting repercussions on the rest of my life if I don't give these embryos the chance of life and I don't want to live my life full of regret. I'd love another baby. Our whole garage is full of all the baby stuff of our son's last 3 years. I've even got all my maternity clothes. I'm so confused and don't know where to go from here. Any advice would be gratefully received.

I'm so sorry. Your story has parallels with mine, in that we were struggling with secondary infertility and were exploring ivf when xh started behaving oddly and went from very loving to... just not. OW.

I lost my husband - or rather I dispatched my husband - I lost what I saw as my chance to have a bigger family, and I had a 2 year old. It was HARD in the first year, and that was with one child. I am very grateful I didn't have a baby or was pregnant at the time, because it would have been even tougher, and would have taken far longer to get back on my feet.

I'm now 39, dd is 4 and life is sweet just the 2 of us - we are a very close little team and I get a proper break when she is with her father. She is now old enough that we can have wonderful adventures together and we have great friends that we hang out with, she is naughty with and generally have lots of giggles with.

I am still sad that I don't have a sibling for her. I am sad our house can be a bit quiet and empty and tidy (!) but (its a big but) I don't think I could have done the baby thing on my own. And unless a miracle happens I am unlikely to have another baby. I am ok with this and it doesn't dominate my thoughts in the way that I was consumed when ttc and that in itself is a relief.

Having been in a similar situation and with the benefit of hindsight this is what I would do if I were you... carefully place your dream of another baby to one side. Cry, sob, be sad, grieve, do whatever you need. Focus on the people that are in your life and that you love now, not those that might be. Look for other ways to fill the space you have in your heart for another child.

Wishing you all the best xx

I think he is right to say no. You already have a child and a husband but it's not enough and maybe the obsession to have another has simply got too much for him. It's all about you.

Forcing or begging him to sign the paper is an awful thing to do, the child deserves to be wanted by both parents not just one. Plus you'd chase him for child support if he went ahead.

Maybe you need to have an open and honest talk, work on fixing the marriage for the sake of your existing child rather than one not even on the horizon yet.

Isn't it dreadful how men hold the key to our 'happiness'? But it isn't happiness you lack, it is the clearsightedness to recognise your husband doesn't love you any more. This can either make you or break you. Make sure it doesn't break you, for your child's sake.

I can see both sides.

How does he justify still being there when he's told you he doesn't love you? Do you think there is any hope for your marriage?

I say take 6 months - put any thoughts of the baby on hold and explore with your husband what he wants, what you want, how you see your relationship proceeding and the future. If it's really not saveable, then maybe that's the time to think about the baby.

I don't think I personally could have a baby that wasn't really wanted by one of its parents, but I can fully understand why the desire to have a baby might be stronger than that and wouldn't judge anyone either way.

Thanks everyone. Some really helpful and supportive posts here and great advice. I just want to clarify that the reason he is still living with us is because we have been trying to work at the marriage since last August and TBH I have rarely raised the issue of the embryos during that time as I wanted to concentrate on the marriage. I've really tried to not think about it, but it's 8 months now. If treatment had been successful when we were supposed to have done it, I could be giving birth next month.
What I want everyone to appreciate is that HE WANTED THIS AS MUCH AS ME. We have spent thousands of £s on this treatment and didn't get as far as the embryo transfer. Why let it get that far? Absolute mental cruelty. There's also the ethical issue. It's like promising someone the world and then giving them nothing.
I'd also like to add that one of the reasons for having another child was so DS would have a sibling. As I'm an older parent I wanted him to have some family when he gets older. We live in Spain and have no family here. We are literally just us 3. I would love for DS to have a sibling.
I do fully appreciate that success rates with frozen embryos are pretty low, however I'd like to at least know that I tried.

Thank you. It helps to hear someone else's experience. X

I would absolutely go for the baby but I am 52 and greatly regret not doing doner egg ivf at your age for a second child.

This is an awful situation to be in, but if you hadn't had frozen embryos you'd be no different to any other woman whose husband had said he wanted to leave and therefore there would be no more children with him.
You simply wouldn't have a choice about it.

It's a bit of a modern ethical and moral dilemma because technically conception has already taken place, which he obviously agreed to, but I feel this should be viewed on a par with a couple TTC where there has been no conception so far. Either is entitled to change their mind about having a child, and for the woman she's entitled to change her mind after conception too. So I think you have to accept that in this circumstance he is entitled to change his mind after conception. Especially given that the sperm is biologically his but the egg is not yours.

I'm not sure why he's even still living there really. You are keeping him around in the hope that he'll have a change of heart about the relationship (he won't) and he is taking advantage of that in order to be there every day and keep some semblance of normality for his son, but it's not sustainable, you must both know that.

It's quite clear to me that you will most certainly end up as a single mum if he agrees to go ahead with this. The question is, whether it's any worse/different being a single mum to two than to one. If your DH would actually quite like another child deep down and you are both happy to progress on the understanding that you co-parent as a divorced couple, taking equal responsibility then fair enough.

But if he has made his mind up that he absolutely does not want another child then I think it's wrong to beg and cajole and guilt trip someone into being a parent to a child they do not want. 'Desperate' or not, sometimes you just have to accept that you can't always get what you want.

Your husband doesn't love you, and doesn't want a second child. You have to listen to him.

Sorry OP, I realise this is a horrible situation for you and your husband has behaved with cruelty. But you can't force someone to have a baby that he doesn't want. I think you have to let those embryos go.

If you've been working at your marriage for the last eight months, how is that going? Are you separated or together? Does he still feel the same as in he doesn't love you. I don't see how much longer you can give it.

I do understand that at your age you need to get on with it so it might be worth one more cards on the table conversation.

it might be worth one more cards on the table conversation. I agree with Heathcliff

Have that conversation. Marriage and babies conversation. If it ends in stalemate then there really is no need to carry on the marriage and go your separate ways. Egg donation is an altruistic and great way to help others conceive. That person did it to help others conceive. I do understand it from your husband's point of view, that sometimes you get caught in the slipstream and let things happen that you would rather not. But at least he stopped it before another pregnancy. I also understand that you think this is a form of cruelty.

You really need to have that frank and open conversation and if neither of you can meet in the middle, then time to go your separate ways and love the child you already have in a co parenting situation.

Best wishes to you.

You need to have the discussion with him about the embryo's.

It sounds as though both of you are putting off having a conversation which will lead to a final decision. If you've been working on the marriage for months and it still feels as though he is only living there for your DS, then in all likelihood your marriage really is over, but neither of you have been willing to truly face that.

He may not want to have this conversation because it will mean changes in the amount of time he spends with his son. You might not want to have the conversation because it might mean saying goodbye to your hopes for a second child with him.

But what you're living right now is a kind of limbo - not fair on you, him or your child together.

It's a horribly sad situation but the only way to start to heal is to have that conversation and both of you lay your cards on the table.

It sounds as though the truth is for whatever reason he no longer wants to be married to you. Even if he did agree to a pregnanacy with the embryo's you have to ask yourself - in addition to concerns about siblings having a very different experience of being parented should he not want to be involved - is it fair on your current three year old to go through both his parents divocring and getting used to spending time differently with his mum and dad AND cope with the massive change of seeing mummy having another baby and gaining a sibling.

A new baby is a challenging time. Pregnancy is challenging. Could you really cope with a divorce, pregnanacy, new baby AND supporting your existing child through the heartache of parents separating at once?

I really feel for you, but I think it's time to have a tough conversation and face up to the likelihood that the best thing for all concerned is to divorce and work on building a great co-parenting relationship for your son, rather than adding additional stress to his life via adjusting to a sibling at a time when he will be the most vulnerable he has ever been and life is already very different.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP, but your posts strongly sound as if you're clutching at straws. He may have wanted this as much as you, but he's changed his mind. He now doesn't want another baby and he doesn't love you any more. You're so determined to try and conceive another DC that you're not accepting that the circumstances have completely changed. Please, as PPs have said, go and speak to a counsellor about this. You can't turn the clock back and have what you want and you need to face that, because at the moment you're clinging to an illusion.

I am in a similar situation. DH doesn't want me to go back for my last frozen embryo. Our marriage is ok but I do resent him for it. This needn't be the end of your IVF journey. If you do separate and your husband refuses consent, you can pursue double donor IVF and have full control over when etc. You can take time to see how you cope with one LO first. At 43 you have plenty of time. 50 is the cut off for most clinic's. I grew up with just one parent and it was a perfect childhood - less organised etc but I never felt that I needed more than one good parent and he was the best ever.
I advise you to do one thing at once and not feel rushed.

I second those who suggested using a different sperm donor.

I would also advise you against you having a second child when it is pretty clear you will be a single mother, but you must know for yourself whether you think having a second child is worth it all.

Do you think you could cope looking after a newborn & a 4 year old? How would you be for living arrangements, finances, support network etc? If you think you could manage it personally I would try & persuade your husband to let them try. It seems to me your marriage is over baby or no baby- do you think it would have a chance if you don't have a baby?

FWIW I think siblings are great. It's far less intense as they have each other to play as well as you & you've got a potential big enough age gap for your older child to be at school.

I do seem to be saying the opposite to most other posters tho...

I meant - could you come by yourself without your husband?

OP you could adopt as a single parent, iif your marriage does break down. I know then the child would not have a bio link with your ds, but that would be the only difference.

OP I'm sorry but in your focus of trying to have kids you have lost sight of life.

And I even feel sorry for your OH.

If you do go ahead and have a second child this will be your project.
Your OH doesn't seem to want another child, your DS won't care. So it's your call.

I think you should put aside the child issue for a few months and invest in some couple's counselling.

If the relationship is truly dead could you look at having IVF using donated embryos or arranging donor egg and sperm?That way you would have another child without the link to your ex.

Two issues here
Your marriage. Your H doesn't really seem to want to save this marriage. It looks like he spoke about his difficulties too late to be able to save it :(
Please don't try to make it work at all cost just to be able to have a baby. It's not going to work (add a baby in the mix and I suspect he will walk out completely). I also suspect that you might well end up living for a years in a relationship that isn't a marriage anymore, just in case. It's not a way to live TBH. Not for you, not for him (but he canalso chose to leave too) and not for your ds.

A baby. There is another discussion to have there. One on whether you would be happy to have that child alone. And two if your H would be happy for you to go ahead with the transfer. I have no idea what would happen legally, as in would he still be considered the father but I'm pretty sure he can say NO to the transfer.

I'm with baffy, I have one child through ivf and am desperate for a second. I would go through treatment without a second thought if he would allow it. Your situation sounds awful but if your dh is already thinking of leaving you will be a single mum anyway which will be hard if there's 1 or 2 children involved. Families are born into all sorts of situations now with the help of ivf, I see this the same as just an embryo donation to a stranger... with him acting as the sperm donor if that really is all the input he wants to have in the child's life.

If you feel you can offer both children a happy and healthy life with or without your DHs involvement then go for it. Good luck, I really hope he signs if that is what you decide to do.

Why would you want to force parenthood on someone against their wishes?

What I want everyone to appreciate is that HE WANTED THIS AS MUCH AS ME. We have spent thousands of £s on this treatment and didn't get as far as the embryo transfer. Why let it get that far? Absolute mental cruelty. There's also the ethical issue. It's like promising someone the world and then giving them nothing.

"Wanted" being the important word- he has changed his mind.
We are all allowed to do that. It's nothing to do with ethics.

People get married and promise to stay with each other forever- and then they don't. Things happen, people change, you can't force someone to stay in a marriage because they promised to do so, and you can't hold someone to parenthood because that's what they once wanted.
I am sorry if that sucks for you, but life is like that sometimes.

If you do consider going ahead with transfer without your OH in your life, you may want to consider having embryos that are not related to him.