DH halted IVF and says he no longer loves me

[bird43]

So here's one... I'm desperate for advice...
I'm 43, DH is 37. Been together 14 years. Happy marriage. We have a 3 yo DS conceived through IVF. Always said we'd have 2 kids. We embarked on IVF last year using an egg donor (due to my age). We had 6 viable embryos, but literally a week before the embryo transfer DH announced he didn't love me and didn't want to proceed with the treatment. We froze the embryos. I was shocked and devastated but thought he'd come round in time. This all happened last September. We're 8 months down the line now. He's still living with us, but no longer behaves like a husband. He's a great dad and totally devoted to DS, which is why he's still here. The only reason I'm putting up with his non-husband like behaviour and attitude is because I'm DESPERATE to have another child. I'm 43 and this is definitely my last opportunity to give DS a sibling.
I contacted the fertility clinic yesterday and they confirmed I can go ahead with the embryo transfer but they need DH to sign a paper. I think he might if I really beg him, but I could then end up as a pregnant single mother.
I feel like this is going to have lasting repercussions on the rest of my life if I don't give these embryos the chance of life and I don't want to live my life full of regret. I'd love another baby. Our whole garage is full of all the baby stuff of our son's last 3 years. I've even got all my maternity clothes. I'm so confused and don't know where to go from here. Any advice would be gratefully received.

I understand you're going through a terrible time, but can't you just be grateful for the child you already have? Many people don't even get that lucky, and I know several who were never able to have their own child. I fear the child you actually have is going to suffer due to your wanting another baby. Also, don't pressure your husband to have a baby he doesn't want. That's just not right, regardless of the fact that he has hurt you.

I totally get why you would feel resentment.
Your ability to possibly have a second child is completely controlled by your H. Yet your H can quite easily have a chance of a second child with someone else for many years.

I personally would be honest with him and ask him to sign asap.
If he wouldn't I would not be sharing a house would start divorce proceedings and seriously consider going it alone with new doner eggs.
It really depends how much you want a second child but to be honest I would consider the marriage over either way.
Horrible situation for you but inertia is not your friend.

I'm sorry to read this. It can't resolve perfectly no matter what you do.
My first thought is you need to get your non husband to leave. You need to consider whether you can be a single mum. If you really think you can be all to a child, ask him again. He has been cruel to allow things to reach this point.

What is your husband's short and long term plan? Why is he still living there if he broke this news months ago? Do friends and family know you have separated? It seems like an odd set up and I think you need to tackle the relationship issues head on.

I can completely understand how you feel though and I know someone who was in a similar situation and they parted and never used the embryos.

If your marriage is over, what about starting again by yourself using double donors for both egg and sperm?

The issue, as I see it, is not your desire to have another child and the time pressure, but the fact the embryos were created with his sperm. You sound more attached to and invested in the idea of having a child before it is too late than to your H (which I can understand if he has done a 180 and had a personality transplant).

I guess it depends how you would feel if you never had a chance to try for the second child at all. If you can't live with that thought then perhaps you need to view this from the single perspective and not involve him at all if he is no longer interested in being married.

What MaidenMotherCrone said on page 1.

It seems that having another child was your priority way above him and he feels like that, hence not loving you anymore. I can't believe that your worry is another baby when your son will potentially lose all the access he has to his father for shared custody 50/50 in the best case. Ok, couples do go through divorce but it doesn't seem to bother you much as all your grief is about not having another child.

I agree with some pp that your focus here seems to be on the wrong issues. If you were as passionate about saving your marriage as you were about having another child this might be different?

I feel sorry for your son. Who is now going to grown up in a broken home knowing that he wasn't enough for his mother

I'm sorry but this is not the situation to bring a baby into. That would be very selfish of you. Huge stresses such as a new baby would not be fair on your son right now either.

The usual reply on here when a DH says he's stopped loving his wife is that he's met someone else. That could be what's happened here - so he wants to make sure you don't have another child for him to have to support. I think that unless he agrees for the embryos to be used you need to say he needs to move out so you can separate properly as he's got what he wants at the moment while you are left devastated.

What a difficult situation, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm a single mum and have been since my DD was 8 weeks old. Yes it's tiring, but still amazing. I think if I was in your position I'd always have regrets if I didn't go for that second baby.

I think that being a single Mum to 2 dc will be so much harder than to 1 dc. You will be outnumbered all the time and it's so hard to be there for them both individually.

Speaking as mid divorce mum of 2 dc.....

Oh yes, we haven't even began to address the DH's behaviour - I'd lay money on their being an OW or at the least the usual 'family life is soooo restrictive' shit, which OP is putting up with because she doesn't want to rock the IVF applecart. With all the love in the world, it's time for him to shit or get off the pot. He's either your partner, or you split up properly - this hanging around to parent stuff is nonsense.

You are desperate for a baby, but what you end up with is a child. You seem very bound up in having kept the baby clothes and the maternity clothes, but what about when you are an older single mother of two tweens, giving you grief? They grow up. Whose to say that if you have another one (by fair means or foul), that will fulfil the need in you and you won't want another one? And then another?

And your husband might not be keen on paying two childrens' worth of CMS...or more, if you keep on using those embryos.

The thing is that this isn't about him wanting more children, as hard as it is, it's about him not wanting more children with you because he no longer loves you.

Given your posts and how they seem all about your need for a baby, about your life-long regrets if you don't have another baby etc I can see how that level of obsession could kill a marriage tbh.

As for people saying there has to be an OW, that doesn't make sense if the DH is still living in the family home. And why shouldn't someone be allowed to fall out of love with a partner, there are things other than an affair which can cause someone's feelings to change, such as the all consuming need for a baby for instance....

It would be incredibly unfair on everyone concerned if you were to have a baby in these circumstances. And your life will not be over if you don't have another baby. The embrio's might not take as it is so there are no guarantees, but that aside, you do already have one child, a child who will need both of your support through your separation and subsequent divorce.

And I speak as someone who went through years of secondary infertility before my marriage ended and have since watched my eXH have another baby with someone else. It happens, but actually now that I'm years down the line I'm glad I'm only single parent to one rather than two children, and my need for babies has long since passed.

I don't agree that a second child is selfish or unfair. Most couples don't have children for any other reason than they want them regardless of circumstances being better or worse than other couples.
No one can tell the future either.
I don't think he'll agree to it though.

I do think he needs to leave. The sooner you can get used to him not being around the better. Dragging it out is doing no one any favours.

Oh OP All you and DH have focused on is making babies, which is a big Who Knows? for all of us, especially over 40, donor eggs or not. Did you have other goals and shared dreams, besides having kids?

I feel your pain. I do. But you've got to get off the Must Have A Baby bus. It'll drive you mad.

OP your life has changed. Your marriage is over. Both of you have got to face this. You're not facing it. DH has got to go. It's terribly draining having this guy play happy families with your child while you're left there in limbo wondering 'to conceive or not to conceive'. And when he meets someone else? Or you may meet someone else. Here's the deal, only you can decide to move forward with trying for another child and raising two kids alone. That's on you.

But your immediate situation has got to change. It's totally irrational to extend a broken family. You can't get a sirloin steak dinner out of chopped liver.

Of course it's unfair. The only reason why there is even a chance is because there are embrio's. If they were actively ttc when the marriage ended would people say that it was ok for OP to keep sleeping with him until she fell pregnant? Or for him to give her a sperm sample to self-inseminate? Just because this is IVF doesn't change the fact that once the marriage ends so does the ability to have children together.

And what a horrible example to give to the OP's existing DS - that she was so desperate for a child that she continued to have one during the time he was having to get used to his existing family no longer being together.

Added to which, the fact that these are donor eggs may well be a factor for the DH. Using donor eggs might not have been a problem for him now, but it might well be in the future when he is wanting access to a child which is biologically his and not biologically the OP's.

If you and dh are separated and he no longer loves you then you are a single mother, and you would be a pregnant single mother.

To me the biggest issue would be if he gave you permission to have a baby independently using your shared embryos, how are you going to explain to full siblings why one of them has a loving father and a close second parental relationship and the other one doesn't? If he doesn't want the baby and he won't be there through the nights of feeding and waking and shared parenting as he was with ds he wont have the same bond. You can't rely on hope that he might fall in love with the baby and be willing to parent it. He might not. You'd be setting two children up for a whole lot of pain and jealousy, guilt on ds's part, and feelings of rejection for the new child, it would cause issues in their relationship.

I agree, you need to let these embryos go.

I think you need to remove the ivf here for a minute. If you were conceiving naturally would you still want a baby with this man?

It is very sad yes but TBH you can't blame your situation entirely on him. You need IVF to conceive another baby because of the quality of your eggs. Even if you didn't a child wouldn't be guaranteed and it isn't even if you do the IVF. I get that if you tried it might be easier for you to accept though but it isn't the right solution here.

This is at least in part something to do with the unfortunate way your own life has turned out. You need to be able to cop aren't the child you have together and it will be easier if you are (eventually) able to take a bit of a step back and not see this entirely as him taking something away from you. There were no guarantees, like everything in life, it's about trying to find the good in what you have got.

Look for the ow

At the moment your H has his cake and eat it too

Tell him to leave if he believes your marriage is over and make a new life for you and your boy, just you two against the world

You say that having kids is all you've talked about for the last eight years? Maybe he just wants a wife that he can have non breeding conversations with. And fun. The fact that you imagine there's any possibility he would have another child with you when he's stated clearly that he doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to continue the treatment says it all really. You're listening only to yourself, your own wants and your own needs.

You already have one child. Be grateful for that.

As somebody not blessed with any DC you are very very lucky. You cannot possibly ask him to use the embryos, as hard as that is, he's told you how he feels. It's his right to refuse, his absolute right. I'm very sorry for your situation though. Make a life with your child, you are blessed

It is incredibly unfair for you to live in this limbo land.

Hard as this is I think the first thing you need to do is finish what he started.

Ask him to move out and start the ball rolling for a divorce. He can still be the most fantastic dad in the world not in the same house.

He is being a shit no longer H though.

It may be the kick up the arse he needs to re-engage with you but don't hold your breath.

With him gone you can mourn the end of your marriage and start to recover. It will hurt like hell but that is not going to happen with you still living together.

He stopped the IVF and told you he doesn't love you. Why do you think he will say go ahead and use them?

Can you use some more of your eggs and a donor if possible if you really feel you need another child that much? Take him out of the equation.

It does seem quite telling that your primary concern is about your opportunity to have a second child rather than, what do to about your relationship.

Although of course that is just what you have chosen to post about so that could be unfair.