Why do men crawl out of the woodwork years later?

[Chuckle17]

I had a very brief but intense relationship with a much younger man ten years ago. It ended horribly when he dropped me like a stone and then proceeded to blow hot and cold on me for a few months until completely ignoring me.

He popped back up a while later to apologise for his behaviour and that was that.

It's now ten years later, I am married with children and he, as far as I'm aware, is single. He has now messaged me to ask how I am, whether I think about what could have been etc. It's taken me completely by surprise and I'm completely bewildered. I would still love an explanation as to why he behaved the way he did, and whether any of his feelings were genuine. But i know I will never get one. And I certainly would never want to rekindle anything.

But it has got me wondering why men do this? Are they genuinely remorseful and full of regret, or do they really just get their kicks this way?

This is not the first time I've had an ex pop up. Always after a bad breakup, but never after this long.

They are just looking for a shag and hope you might be up for it. Perhaps you will, perhaps you won't, they'll give it a try anyway.

Well that's the thing that has always confused me the most. We have never slept together since the initial "relationship", and he has never attempted to try and get me to meet him.

Tell him to fuck off.

Cough...oh I meant block all means of contact. You don't need his explanations, probably bullshit anyway.

Yes I'm going to have to as he has attempted calling me. I do not want to speak to him and I certainly don't want my DH to see anything on my phone from this guy.

Why do they do it? Just practicality, really.

He's probably contacting all his old girlfriends (and the former girlfriends of the mates in his youth) in the hope that one of them will bite and offer him a shag. That's it. Cheaper and easier than those online dating sites.

I know you want the "I treated you so badly because I was so in love with you" guff but it would be a total lie on his part. He treated you badly because he is not nice.

Use this opportunity to think less of him.

He's dissatisfied with something in his life and hopes a shag with you will help him to forget about it for a few minutes. He is not remorseful or in love, he's just wasting an opportunity for proper introspection and proactivity.

Happened to me a fair bit as well. In my youth, I used to be flattered and think it was because they had finally seen sense. My arrogance. Now I am older and wiser I know it's just because they think they can pick up right where they left off. Their arrogance, coupled with lazy and basic fishing techniques. Ignore.

In a word. Sex

If it was sex I would understand it. But in the past when he has contacted me he has never taken me up on any offers to meet.

He actually did me a lot of emotional harm. I will not be back in touch with him, nor do I want to be. But it has mixed up emotions in me not least shame that I let a man treat me the way he did.

Him showing up ten years later has thrown me. I can't believe someone would be that sadistic?

If not sex then maybe an ego stroke?

Men's egos are bizarre and ridiculous things and some will do anything to get them stroked.

A friend worked with an ex of mine from years ago. It ended very badly with us about 15 years ago. Apparently I'd 'definitely call' if I had his number. He's utterly delusional.

The front of it too.

He decided it acceptable to call you after I presume you not replying to his message?

No regard to the very fact you're more than likely settled down, married, 2.4 kids etc

Cheeky bloody man.

Don't let this tosser throw you off balance. He had his chance and now your relationship is ancient history.

It's great you aren't thinking about even replying to him. But don't even let him have any more headspace either. He seriously isn't worth even that much.

He's likely looking for an ego stroke. In his tiny mind, you've probably been set in aspic over the years. Sounds like he hasn't developed or matured any and likely thinks you are just frozen in time, waiting for his call. He sounds like an arrogant sod. Does he really think you've been letting the grass grow under your feet these last 10 years? Hah!

I've had this a good few times, most recently with a guy who smashed my heart to pieces about 15 years ago. He's currently going through a divorce.

Sometimes it's sex, sometimes an ego stroke, sometimes you're just an easy way out of their current shit.

Fortunately my response is always somewhere between blueurgh type shuddery disgust and fuck you you pathetic arsehole.

Don't give him any air/thought/anything time.

Also suspect he didn't respind to your offers to meet as that's you in the driving seat. On his terms or not at all.

Reply with how relieved you are you dodged the bullet with him! That you have realised you set your standards too low now you have enjoyed a relationship with a more mature partner.

It is astounding that men do this. I have had this from ex's who have gone on to marry (I've asked if their wife might want to know). I have had one ex recontact and admit he was an idiot but he'd hurt me so badly I felt numb to him.
Men are so weird.

I would say ignore, definitely do not engage.

However, if the calling is going to be an issue how about replying by text saying. "Who is this? I'm Dave not Sarah*" and hopefully he'll think you changed numbers and go away.

I think he never wanted to meet me ( all those years ago) because that would mean dealing with real human interaction. He preferred to text and speak on the phone and play at it all, but couldn't deal with real interaction.

In his message he claims to have thought about me a lot over the years and what could have been, and asks if I do too. Truth is I do. But not in the way he means. I had a huge attraction to him physically and we got on well. But he was immature and not going anywhere fast. If we had ended up together I'd not have had the nice life I've had. I gathered he is still living with his parents and doing not much with his life.

Looking for a fuck. That's all. Ignore.

This happened to me a week ago from a boyfriend I had when I was 18. I'm now 43!

He sent me a message through Facebook then responded to something I posted saying "remember your youth"

I ignored both.

Tell him you are happily married to a wonderful man and have beautiful children with him. Tell him you understand why he still has feelings for you but after ten years he really ought to move on with his life.... then block him!

I've had this too. Who knows why. When I was a lot younger and more naive I might have found it flattering, now I just think it's creepy.

Tell him you are now a man. :)

Not all men are looking for fuck. As some men get older they feel remorse about some of there past actions. I sure did. At times you just want to try and right some wrongs to the women you were involved with and treated badly.