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Original poster

Why do men crawl out of the woodwork years later?

78 replies

Chuckle17 · 08/05/2017 16:50

I had a very brief but intense relationship with a much younger man ten years ago. It ended horribly when he dropped me like a stone and then proceeded to blow hot and cold on me for a few months until completely ignoring me.

He popped back up a while later to apologise for his behaviour and that was that.

It's now ten years later, I am married with children and he, as far as I'm aware, is single. He has now messaged me to ask how I am, whether I think about what could have been etc. It's taken me completely by surprise and I'm completely bewildered. I would still love an explanation as to why he behaved the way he did, and whether any of his feelings were genuine. But i know I will never get one. And I certainly would never want to rekindle anything.

But it has got me wondering why men do this? Are they genuinely remorseful and full of regret, or do they really just get their kicks this way?

This is not the first time I've had an ex pop up. Always after a bad breakup, but never after this long.

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 08/05/2017 19:25

I gathered he is still living with his parents and doing not much with his life.

Sounds like a catch!

PookieDo · 08/05/2017 19:30

Without being big headed I think this has happened to me with almost all my exes.
Currently one of them still sends me messages that go into my spam folder. I have nothing against him to be honest but I'm just not interested. He was too immature and seems to miss me at 2am on Saturday nights

MrsDilligaf · 08/05/2017 19:34

I had the same thing last week. I had a FB friend request from a poisinous little cretin of an ex.

I replied along the lines of clearly you've sent this by mistake? Buy apparently not...I'm wished well, long overdue an apology etc etc.

You're damn right I am and it'd be nice to see the 6 grand you "borrowed" back in my bank account

I highly suspect that he's had a good dig about my profile and decided against trying it on. We have mutual friends in common and so while he will have seen me comment he wouldn't have gleaned much from my profile. It's tight as tight because of my husbands job.

Questioningeverything · 08/05/2017 19:37

Oh is it the season for it then??
Feel a bit less special now lol

An ex (barely an ex tbf we were young and had a very nice time having lots of sex and not much else) contacts me from time to time. He's tried to add me on Facebook again. Wonder what the deal is now... I've got enough going on to even consider accepting the add. Ignore op, just like I will. They get bored eventually. I hope.

PookieDo · 08/05/2017 19:45

Some men are lazy and can't be bothered to go and find new women so just try it again with the old ones!

RainbowChasing · 08/05/2017 19:47

Yep...experienced this too, and I would say in my instance the guy in question wanted his ego stroked and a cheap thrill. It's a shame because this guy was someone I was very close to years ago and I've always had a soft spot for him because he helped when I was escaping an abusive relationship. However, his recent texts, which started with the whole "do you ever think about what could have been with us if we'd been given the chance" quickly turned into him trying to initiate sex talk. Him and his wife had a toddler and a baby on the way and I suspect he's one of those men who feel neglected when they don't have 100% of their wife's attention so look in other places for their ego to be stroked. I've cut all contact with him now which is sad because we go back 14 years but I can't be friends with someone who behaves like this.

outabout · 08/05/2017 20:00

I find many of these comments rather harsh.
I would have liked to have married a girl from 40 years ago who has a special 'corner'. At that time it would have been mega foolish. I would like to chat and find out what she has been up to in the intervening years. I don't 'expect' anything.

PoorYorick · 08/05/2017 20:04

I would like to chat and find out what she has been up to in the intervening years.

I suggest you don't. You can see how it appears to women, however you might honestly intend it.

You may be an exception, but in my experience it really is usually because the guy's having a hump in his life and wants to use you to get over it...and will sod off once he's finished. I know someone who calls it emotional vampirism.

PookieDo · 08/05/2017 20:14

It just seems lazy to me. It doesn't often seem like genuine and regret and attempt to make amends but a kind of morbid curiosity mixed with laziness to go find a new woman. even more so if it ended very badly and it's just not appropriate to pop up in someone's life years later

Pitbull · 08/05/2017 20:28

Just like many commenters said, I also think it's an ego thing, they are trying to find out whether they still have any kind of effect on you. Crawling out of the woods after 10 years is creepy. He didn't give a shit about you for 10 years but now suddenly he is keen? Wtf? This is mega creepy. If he didn't want you 10 years ago, why would he want you now?

He should respect at least that you are married, and if he is not aware of it then please inform him about this. Being a lousy creep, probably nobody wants anything serious with him, so he is trying his luck with somebody he used to shag and treat like shit. Block him.

merville · 08/05/2017 20:33

I'd speculate he's going through a dry spell (and is also possibly a bit depressed & nostalgic) there's no-one new on the scene, so he's going through exes.

Because he ended it, he'll perpetually think he could still 'have' you if he wanted. A lot of men seem to think that way.

(I take it he'd be unlikely to know you're married etc. too).

Srsly he doesn;t even deserve a reply.

nevernotstruggling · 08/05/2017 20:37

Because they are like boomerangs and come pinging back when they are bored and horny.

Original poster

Chuckle17 · 08/05/2017 22:39

Ha! Amazing how many of us this has happened to.

He does know that I'm married as it's on Facebook that he found me. My profile is locked down but my public pic is me, DH and our kids. So he clearly felt he had enough hold over me to override the actual real life that I've built over the past ten years.

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 08/05/2017 22:49

Probably his life is going through a bit of a rough patch and he has his rose tinted/beer glasses on, and he's nostalgic for a time when life was simpler and he had a gorgeous woman who loved him. Don't reply, just block.

PoorYorick · 08/05/2017 23:16

So he clearly felt he had enough hold over me to override the actual real life that I've built over the past ten years.

Despite living in his parents' basement. What a nob.

WannaBe · 08/05/2017 23:27

I think that sometimes it genuinely is curiosity rather than actual nostalgia or wanting sex, but some just don't know where to stop.

I have almost all my ex's on FB, they were all ex's from school and it was 25 years ago.

However, I encountered one of these ex's on a chat group of people I went to school with, and about two days later I had a message from him which went something like this:

Him: "hi, I've been thinking about you a lot over the weekend and wondered if you were ok?" Me: "oh yeah of course." Him: "are you sure? It's just I get the feeling that you might need someone right now." Me "no, when my marriage broke down I went through a rough patch but now that I'm with DP I am happy. You know that thought when you meet someone and know how it is, I'm sure you feel that way about your wife as well?" Him: "oh yes, I'm happy. But I have changed my life around in the past year, and when someone enters my thoughts I know that it's god wanting me to be with them." I left it at that. . I know it wasn't sex because we A, never slept together when we were together, and B, he lives 6000 miles away. But he did split from his (third) wife six months later. And since then has declared that he's met "the love of his life." Twice. Then last year he posted one of those "only my true friends will copy and paste this over emotive bollocks status" messages, and because I didn't copy it he unfriended me. .

SiouxieQ · 08/05/2017 23:40

I was strung along and used by an older man when I was about 19, he was mid 30's.
I was very naive and he took full advantage of me when he realised how smitten I was to have an older attractive man interested in me.
He brushed me off when he was done with me (found his next victim) and I was utterly gutted.
He popped up now and then when he wanted something (sex, a place to stay) and I gave in once or twice thinking it might make him like me (oh how I want to slap my younger self!) anyway it fizzled out completely eventually, bar the odd Facebook message until about 6 years ago when he stopped messaging me and I'd all but forgotten about him.
About a month a go he sent me an fb message out of the blue saying "nice pics" just two words no "hello or "how are you", I know what he was doing, trying to pique my interest by faking interest in my life, I blocked him straight away, the thought of him makes me want to vomit, can't imagine now what I ever saw in him and how I was so blind to his manipulative behaviour.
Good bloody riddance!

annandale · 08/05/2017 23:48

I dumped a man quite painfully at 21, he was 24 or thereabouts. Aged 41, he reappeared on my doorstep having tracked me down via 'a mate in the army'. I gave him a cup of tea, having swept ds's toys off the sofa and texted dh to let him know.

I have absolutely no idea what was going through his head but I know it was all about his life and not about mine.

AlphabetSoup3 · 09/05/2017 00:15

A man told me once that once they had slept with someone, they kind of always think that possibility is there. And it's easier than finding someone new.

josuk · 09/05/2017 00:29

Well.
Sometimes - and maybe - rarely -
it can be not a bad thing.
My Ex popped back into my life almost 15years after I left him.
We loved each other but were young and stupid and hurt each other a lot. I had to get away from that.
It took me years to get over him, or, at least forget. Sort of.

So - when he reappeared - we talked a lot about the past and how we were back then. And it was both painful, and i was full of regrets, but eventually it helped me grieve and heal.
And, actualy get over the whole thing. Not just hide it all away.

I don't know why he did it when he did. He never gave me an answer beyond saying - it was time to stop hiding.

In some ways - i think he thinks we have some sort of karmic connection.
I don't really care. I am just happy that i stoped blaming myself for leaving. And stoped wondering big my life with him would have made me happier.
(it would bot have)

josuk · 09/05/2017 00:31

...wondering IF my life with him....

Sample1936 · 09/05/2017 00:33

it's not a man thing it's just what you do when you're lonely and desperate for a quick shag. I'd just ignore him.

WesternMeadowlark · 09/05/2017 01:27

I don't mind if it's a case of genuinely having unfinished business that they want to sort out, but that's pretty rare ime.

Usually it's an ego boost they're after, even if it's dressed up as "let's catch up". And it's often pretty obvious, as well, from how respectful and considerate they aren't.

Even if they think you're single and want to ask you out again, if they're genuine they'll just do that then take "no" for an answer, if "no" is the answer, instead of acting like they're the prize.

Same goes for some old friends too, now I think of it, regardless of gender. I've had women do the "Remember how wonderful I am? Don't you want someone as fabulous as me back in your life? Tell me how much you miss us being friends" thing (subtext, not a direct quote...) and had to tell them where to go.

Snailfoot · 09/05/2017 01:59

I think also you can never underestimate people's ability to misremember situations - it could be that in the intervening years these people forget the hurt they caused

MrsFloppy · 09/05/2017 02:39

I don't think it is always sex.

I've had 4 exes contact me in the last few years after I'd moved countries, married and had a ds. I think they just like to flirt and have an ago stroke (not that any of them got that) or maybe absolve themselves of some guilt.

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