Is a very short affair with no consequences possible?

[MelGee]

What would be the consequences of a very brief affair with someone who you had no connection with, no mutual friends and live far away from? Could it be done without consequence or am I living in cloud-cuckoo land?

People (women or men) who use sex to feel less lonely and to fill an internal and emotional void usually do end up feeling MORE sad and lonely when you have meaningless sex.

You aren't talking about loving sex in a relationship which makes people feel safe and loved.

You are talking about animalistic sex that's just about passion. It has no meaning.

OP thinking it will bring anything emotional to her life to make her feel good or less lonely is wrong. It will make her feel like a vessel and more empty and sad and lonely. It will likely make her feel used.

If you are having sex just because you like having a shag, that's totally different and likely you won't feel like shit.

I have done it a few times because I like sex and I like variety. I didn't feel any guilt at all. In fact I would do it again if the opportunity presents itself.

Just don't. Enjoy the flattery and attention. Once you do it you can never undo it. You have no idea whether you will feel guilty or not but you will definitely hit the paranoid phase which is where it all unfolds.

You'll begin to compare you dh to the one night stand. You'll want more. It'll become an addiction then you'll either get foundout, confess or split up. All three actions will cause immense pain and guilt because at some point this will have to end.

It will always be in your head! It's really really not worth a lifetime in your head with potential fall out for at most a few hours.

It will also open the door to further one stands because you can never go back!

I've contemplated it - recently. Slightly different situation to you, as it was a person known to both of us. He really flattered me and, similarly, I am lonely and susceptible. We got to a point where I got drunk and we exchanged some inappropriate texts. Then I woke up to myself. I would say that up to that point I felt like I was in a dream, I was consumed with thoughts of him and lived for the next tiny contact. I really craved the reassurance that I was still attractive and that he was prepared to go out on a limb for me, I saw it as a romantic gesture rather than a sleazy manipulation to get into my knickers.

It was at a point where we were going through a horrendous time in our marriage and I used to lie in bed next to my sleeping DH and silently weep about how unhappy I was.

What stopped me from actually having sex with him was endlessly reading the threads on here where the other person had found out and what it had done to them. I do love my DH and, although he is very difficult to live with at the moment, he is not a bad person and does not deserve to go through that devastation.

We are trying to make our marriage better, and I am (through counselling) trying to work out what brought me to that point.

If it helps to know, the day after the drunken texting, I felt sick to my stomach and so remorseful. I couldn't look my DH in the eye, I felt terrible and massively over compensated as a result. It wasn't worth the cheap thrill I got at the time.

I still worry that what happened will come to light, and it is not a comfortable place to be. The man involved is still a part of our social circle and it's very difficult to cut him out without a good reason for DH. That's my penance though.

I don't think a one night stand is worth it. You're not in love with him and you're not looking to leave. Either the sex will be a disappointment and you'll feel shit that you've betrayed your husband for that, or it will be great and you'll want more.

FWIW I am someone who had lots of one night stands when I was single. Some were amazing, some were damp squibs. The ones that were amazing inevitably left me feeling like there was a connection that I wanted to follow up. Sometimes it carried on, sometimes not. When they weren't interested after a fantastic night, I felt shit. If you add in a load of guilt you'll feel terrible.

I don't think you are a terrible person, and life is not as black and white as a lot of posters make out. But I think, like me, you are carried away with the fantasy at the moment, and when it becomes real it will be a disappointment. He won't live up to your dreams of what it will be like.

I agree with rinky, when you've done it once the temptation to do it again is immense , the high and the feel good factor is addictive and of course the more you do it the more less guilt you feel
Don't kid yourself that it's a one off, whether it's with current guy or someone else, trust me, you'll be very unlikely to be able to stop and not have that feeling in your life again

"Because you become a liar" - oh, right, like no one in this thread has lies or secrets, ever.

I think the point is that It's quite a different scale of lie. It means you begin to lie about something that stands at the very heart of the marriage. And that!s a biggie. Only OP will know what that would mean for her, her notions of integrity; and the ramifications of making her marriage non-exclusive.

It will not be as good as you thought. You will feel disappointed and guilty.

Or

It will be good. You will want to do it again. And again.

Either way there will be consequences.

I agree. An amazing one night stand when you are single is awesome and has endless potential to go somewhere.

An amazing one night stand with someone you can never have has the potential to rip your life to pieces.

If you do it because you want a thrill that can become addictive. The other person also has the power to throw you away afterwards

I've done it in those circumstances. There was no consequences. I think it was mutually beneficial and I'd do it again. I think a discreet affair where there's no possibility of anyone knowing does no harm tbh.

Truth is what other people believe. If everyone in your life thinks you're faithful then you are. If you behave in a manner where people think you're cheating then you are making a public mockery of your marriage and that's far more hurtful to your partner than anything you do where nobody will ever find out.

Is there anything you can do to feel less lonely and more connected to your dh? I realise it's scary to ask someone to become closer to you but if it works, that would avoid a whole load of potential problems.

Or if that's not possible, could you try to build deeper, more meaningful friendships? Some other way to feel a strong connection with people.

It says a lot about your respect for your partner that infidelity isn't the issue but the possibility of blowback on you, is.

Get a fucking hobby and do something about your boredom because once your open to the idea of cheating, it's highly likely that you will go on to cheat, not necessarily with this charmer but with whoever looks at you sideways.

There could be not just emotional consequences but physical ones too. What if the condom splits and you catch an STI? If you want to have sex with other people either leave your DH or tell him first. So he has the opportunity to do the same thing.

My H slept with someone else, because our marriage wasn't going that well and he was flattered and she was younger, plus we were moving away so would neverr be found out etc. etc. it was only meant to be one time, but it went on longer, until I found out about it. It was meant to be an ego boost for him and he had it under control. It has nearly wrecked our lives. We're trying to work through it and get over it, but it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I think rather than asking about consequences you should be asking what is wrong with your marriage you want to totally disrespect your husband to do this. I hate cheating there is no excuse. If you dont want to be part of a relationship and sleep with who you want leave your husband. My dad had an affair just like what your talking about. He got found out by a txt and it hurt our family alot. It was a betrayal of my mum and I will never forgive him for that and it also confussed the hell out of me and my sister about what a good relationship was as we thought my parents were happy so to see what my dad was willing to do for a fling broke down my feelings of being able to trust so easily in my own relationships. The person who he did this with had no mutual contacts and was in a completley different place. He still got found out. At the moment you are thinking of you and only you. Its selfish. How would you feel if your husband slept with someone else (if you say you wouldent care I would doubt you want to be in a relationship at all) unless you have an agreement of open marriage you should not even be considering doing this to someone you are supposed to love.

I'm always recommending this book Mating in Captivity It's so insightful

it might be worth trying an open marriage - ask your partner what he thinks

my dh has been shagging around for years. I finally had enough and confronted him. omg he was amazed I knew! what a dick. as if I couldnt tell, I've been married to him long enough to know when he is dishonest, even though he didnt actually tell me any lies iyswim. it was the dishonesty of shagging around I could tell. I never once found any actual proof, he hid his tracks very very well. I still knew though. I am surprised the number of people who think their spouses never realised. bit naive.

Do your husband a favour and leave him now, it's the kinder thing to do. Even if you don't act on these feelings now, the fact that you've seriously considered it mean that you have very little respect for your husband or your marriage.

Tell us about your marriage. That's the key here. What's going on in your relationship? Or not going on?

The real questions that need to be asked and answered are about your current partner.

Your intense desire for this new person is in part a craving for escape and avoidance.

"Get a fucking hobby and do something about your boredom"

Is this really the Mumsnet solution for everything? XD

The very fact you have started this thread and have not just gone ahead speaks volumes!

I think you should end your marriage. Then when you're single you can have all the flings you want.

Could it be done without consequence or am I living in cloud-cuckoo land?

The answer to this question is yes in theory but in practice it's very unlikely.

If neither you or your affair partner get emotionally involved or feel any guilt AND if neither respective long term partner (wife husband OH) find out, then yes you have yourself a consequence free encounter in practice terms.

Frankly consequence free affairs happens all the time. I see it where I work everywhere. A close colleague/friend of mine had a long running affair (several years) with a MM who presented as perfect family man. His wife never found out and still thinks he is perfect family man. She had quite a lot of emotional upset (she was "in love") but emerged the other side fairly unscathed and is now in a happy relationship.

But the chances of this happening are very low because

• sexual chemistry is a powerful, very powerful, force. If you start an affair you are voluntarily choosing to engage in an emotional battle. The chances are that you will get seriously emotionally involved - and this will lead to consequences.
• Even if undiscovered, it will cause a subtle shift in your primary relationship. You are likely to feel guilt. You are likely to start comparing your partner to your affair partner - and the sex will always be inadequate because you are comparing a clandestine unreal fantasy of occasional hot sex divorced from day to day life with the reality of a more mundane regular sex life with someone you are familiar with. This dissatisfaction will make you irritable, guilty and start projecting fault finding on to your partner. This is not his/her fault and is unfair.
• You can never be sure you will be undiscovered. You can guess you won't be but you really don't know. Surprises come round every corner. Your affair partner's wife may be suspicious and be tracking him/have PI on him/monitoring his emails/checking his phone/following him. Your affair partner may fall in love with you and have his own motivation to tell your partner. A malicious person with an axe to grind may inadvertently happen across you both (going into a hotel room/arriving at your house/his house) and gleefully use that evidence to destroy your marriage. You just never know.

If you want to start an affair, you need to realise that the chances of it being consequence free are remote. If you are set on it and don't care, then if it's an option (assuming you aren't working together and HAVE to see him forever til you leave your job), then set an absolute deadline to end it and stick to it ruthlessly. At the deadline, agree you will both delete all contact info and never contact each other again.

But as others have said, I'd concentrate on thinking about how you would feel if this was your partner in the same position. What would you want him to do? Really?

You will probably feel horrible and guilty and for what?

This is a sad thread. I do not agree with affairs one night stands or not! Also feel sorry for you OP if your self esteem is that low you'll risk your marriage and your DH finding out. One thing that sticks out is that you've not considered his feelings how he will feel. I'm guessing your marriage is in trouble already of your even having to ask the question. Maybe you should be thinking about whether you want to be the reason your marriage ends if you get found out.