Is a very short affair with no consequences possible?

[MelGee]

What would be the consequences of a very brief affair with someone who you had no connection with, no mutual friends and live far away from? Could it be done without consequence or am I living in cloud-cuckoo land?

What if you found out tomorrow night that your husband had sex with someone else tomorrow lunchtime?

How would that make you feel?

Remember forever?!? Seriously it won't be that good! It'll be a major anti-climax excuse the pun! Didn't you have meaningless, fun shagging in your youth? Before you met your DH? You're putting way too much weight on this, it will not be earth shattering, he will not take you to tantric bliss, it will be awkward and quick and hasty, there probably won't even be dinner somewhere lovely - in case you're seen.

If sex with someone was like having cake - your plan would work.
It is much more loaded.

Going ahead would make a liar out of you -this is something you could decide about in advance... but you couldn't undo it.

It would make a fool of your spouse (and of the other spouse in the case)even if -or especially- because they don't know. Yet you love them.

'So am naive to think we can just have a great time, something can remember forever, say our farewells and that's it?'

Not naive exactly. Thing is you don't know how you will feel. When it's over, when he leaves you there and you have to travel home. Possibly upset having realised you mistook your feelings for lust and you're actually in love with him.

What will it be like when you see your husband for the first time afterwards?

You don't talk about yourself very nicely and you sound a little vulnerable.

Do you have children together? How does wanting to lie, decieve, cheat, betray not make you a bad Person? Why cant you just leave your husband & have sex with who you Want? Then he can have sex with someone else too, someone who wants too because you obviously dont. Feel so sorry for your husband!!

There's a great bit in the Tall Guy where someone has cheated and he says, "she meant nothing to me" and his girlfriend says, "while you were with her, I meant nothing to you". Or words to that effect.

That's the problem. You are treating your DH with disdain, callous disregard and like they're stupid. I'm not sure you can waltz merrily back to them once you have treated them like that.

However, if you are thinking about it, you marriage isn't working. So, what can you do about that?

Is it just sex though? For me sex has always been linked to feelings. What would having one off sex with him achieve?

Is there something wrong with your relationship? I think if your relationship is good then look at spicing things up , doing some hobbies together, going away with your husband on a city break etc. That will be much better for you than damaging your relationship by having an affair. If the affair is good, you will be left yearning for something. If it is bad you'll be angry at yourself and feel dirty and a cheat.

OP, I'm pretty sure he's already had those hundred other women you mentioned. If you want to be another cheap notch on his bedpost and someone who doesn't give a shit about their partner, crack on. Pp have asked what you would think if you found out your partner had done this to you...guess you wouldn't be so blase about it then.

They happened to have had sex with someone, because they wanted to and no one would get hurt. You know what, decades have past and they are all in happy marriages still.
Jesus wept, what a selfish bunch of fuckers. And 99% of those marriages are still happy because the partner doesn't know they're married to a cheat.

Address the root cause, which is your relationship & if it's no go, end it & move on.

Yes Dory, those marriages stay together and are happy on the surface because one of the partners doesn't actually know who they are married to.

I would be blissfully happy with my partner until the day I found out that every word he spoke to me over the past however many months/years had been a lie because he had omitted to include that he'd had sex elsewhere. What we have is very special to me and he constantly tells me that he's never felt like this about anyone else. How could he still say those words and mean them if he were a cheat.

Of course if you have the kind of relationship where you don't tell each other how amazing you are and how lucky you feel to have them, if you often point out how attractive other people are and who you'd shag given half a chance, then I guess you'd get away with it because fundamentally you're presenting a version of yourself that is honest.

Your self esteem doesn't sound like it will let you get away with it.
You will feel dirty used and dislike yourself afterwards. Then maybe do it again to feel better about yourself. That's what I think will happen to you.

Why stay in a relationship if you want to cheat? Do the decent thing and end it so you're not hurting your partner. Then you'll be free to sleep with whoever you want.

Nasty and dishonest attitude. You need to break up with your current partner for his sake as living a lie is very damaging. He deserves honesty. Complete lack of self control and integrity.
Why would you ever think this was acceptable?

It's whether you can walk away afterwards.

What if the sex is so great that one of you wants a repeat? Then another go and so on. Soon you're in a full blooded affair, taking more risks and developing more feelings.

Also, suppose his wife finds out and kicks him out. What's to stop him knocking on your door and making life difficult as he can't get you out of his head? Or vice versa?

Sit down, think about your marriage and work out if you can revive it or need to walk away to find the life you want. You only have one. Make the most of it.

Yes op it's possible you'll have a great time and that's it. It's one possibility on the table.

The thing is, it can never be undone, so if anything goes wrong for any reason, there's no going back.
You will be, for always and ever more, a cheat. Even the marriages that survive that, always have the scars. It will damage your relationship, even if he never finds out, because you will know that your marriage is not enough.

easily flattered and a bit lonely

I'm very sorry that you are feeling like this. Could it be that the desire to have a 'fling' has anything to do with those feeling? Imagine how you might feel afterwards, when it is all over? Will you be less lonely for having had what amounts to a one night stand? Might you want to have it again, and again. It will, at some point stop, whatever you mig choose.

Without wanting to pry into your private life, I would encourage you to consider why you are feeling lonely and wanting some meaningless flattery (... just to get you into bed. People are likely to say anything in the circumstance but what does it amount to?). What changes do you need to make to your life, to not feel like that?

I'm not suggesting that it is easy, but it really is pretty simple. Hope it goes well for you.

There will be consequences. Because you become a liar, and have to live with that. Also your marriage is no longer the two of you as a team.

Whether found out or not, the change in you is inescapable.

It is not a change I could live with.

So, you are willing to risk losing your marriage, deeply hurting your OH, hurting your children (if you have them) when their parents marriage breaks up, and for what?
One night of sex?
And I repeat what others have said, these things always come out. The chances of the above being the cost of your fling are reasonably high.
I get you are attracted to this man but it would be a horrendously selfish and damaging thing to do.

If you go through with it your marriage is already over in my opinion. I absolutely believe that if you love and respect your spouse you would never have an affair under any circumstances.

Considering an affair means you need to look at your marriage and sort out your issues. Having an affair means you need to leave.

Chances are it wouldn't end there.
If it's that good and exciting - you will want to repeat it.
Have you met online or do you 'know' him?
There is always a potential for info to come out. You don't know he isn't married. What happens when his wife turns up on your step to tell your husband?

You can never go back. DH is the first relationship I ever had where I didn't cheat (counting drunken club snogs etc) the difference in being able to be with someone and knowing that you've been completely honest in the relationship is immense.

Plus I always have a terrifying thought that I'd someday have to do a lie detector and would fail

Spend all your time and effort on your marriage, if it's still shit. Then leave. You can do what you want then.

Men are fairly good at it!

It is doable if you can separate feelings.

A whole lot of assumption here that no one, ever, can possibly have a brief fling without then self-combusting with guilt and shame, maybe even popping a scarlet letter on your front or being pelted with fruit by a baying crowd. Honestly.

Of course it is quite possible, more than possible and indeed likely, given you've thought about it and seem quite clear what the scenario is, that you could have a single merry evening with no consequences. Neither of you are likely to tell, don't fall for any temptation to start confessing all over the show - no, it won't make you or your partner feel better - and just get on with things.

Not everyone is going to be consumed with shame, 'feel used' or 'dirty' or other quite strange comments about how women are expected to feel after sex. If you think sex is dirty and shameful chances are you're not really up for affairs anyway.

"Because you become a liar" - oh, right, like no one in this thread has lies or secrets, ever.

The LTB crowd will all demand that any marriage, no matter how safe or stable, is worth tossing aside at a moment's notice, or that spouses can all be trained to sit and 'talk' through their feelings. Real life doesn't work that way.

So no, it is not naive or a foregone conclusion you'll feel bad about this. You have your own reasons for wanting it - DH no longer interested in you, maybe a bully, dull, probably doesn't talk to you any more and spends his weekend arranging his spanner collection, yells in your face if you try and talk to him about anything, controls the house and money so you can't leave. Fuck it. He's driven you to this, so what's to lose?

I mean, if none of that really applies and you actually can leave, maybe consider your marriage is pretty dead and it might be time to move on.

You need to turn this around. Rather than thinking about how no-one will know, you need to think about how you will feel if everyone knows - your h, his wife, your kids, friends etc.

That's the principle I live by, only do something if you can stand the full scrutiny of everyone who cares for you.