Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is a very short affair with no consequences possible?

127 replies

MelGee · 07/05/2017 22:57

What would be the consequences of a very brief affair with someone who you had no connection with, no mutual friends and live far away from? Could it be done without consequence or am I living in cloud-cuckoo land?

OP posts:
Springcherryblossom · 08/05/2017 00:18

Dingdong hope I never go out with you! What an asshole!

Madmotherintheattic · 08/05/2017 00:21

Some people would say it's an itch, scratch it, you only live once and if you're quite sure you wouldn't get caught, or worse, get emotionally involved such that you want to do it again and then again, and then where are you? I also think you might be fooling yourself about "just sex" because you are actually (or were) wondering and planning it - that's different from spur of the moment thing. Finally, I've always thought that if you are seriously (as in pre-planned) contemplating sex or an affair with someone else, you need to look at your relationship first. Most of us would probably say we've had a few fnaar, fnaar moments at some hunky bloke that mean nothing other than we're human, but you also need to ask yourself what you're missing...? Having said all that, I am not judgy, life is short and if you really believe no-one would get hurt and you wouldn't get involved, well then.

Springcherryblossom · 08/05/2017 00:21

I'll tell you what MelGee - send me your OH and we'll have a fling / one night/ whatever.

I'm much more attractive than you. And you won't know so it can't hurt you.

I'm bored and could do with a bit of spice!

Rockingaround · 08/05/2017 00:23

Just playing out what might happen ... It wouldn't live up to the expectation OP, the fantasy is always better than the reality. You'd be left feeling ashamed and as this guy doesn't sound like a nice person; after the deed (in the holiday inn or similarly cheap impersonal place) you'd just feel like shit because you'd realise he's a tit and he obviously won't respect you in those circumstances anyway, then you'd realise how lovely your DH is as he loves, cares and respects you (hopefully) and you'll cry because you won't believe how stupid you've been and you'll beg the question of how you could do such a thing, then you'll over-compensate with your DH because you'll feel constantly guilty, and eventually you'll wear yourself out ... the grass won't be greener OP, sorry to be crude but it'll be just a shag, and you might not even .... but he will because he's a bloke, his poor wife, he's done this before hasn't he, he sounds the type. Be happy OP - but don't make yourself cheap for anyone.

DoryDingDong · 08/05/2017 00:25

I'm not saying I've ever done anything like this before, but I do know a fair few people who have and they remain fairly normal, you know, the same as before. They done grow horns or wonder round whistfully dreaming of this love affair ffs. They happened to have had sex with someone, because they wanted to and no one would get hurt. You know what, decades have past and they are all in happy marriages still.
Perhaps it's what's stopped them from having full on affairs, I don't know.

DoryDingDong · 08/05/2017 00:27

Springcherryblossom
Why on earth would there ever be a chance of you going out with me GrinConfused
Erm, no thanks!

Original poster
MelGee · 08/05/2017 00:34

Pretty sure he has done this sort of thing before.

I am stupid and middle aged and flattered by a good looking, charismatic man who probably could have a hundred other women.

OP posts:
VelvetSparkles · 08/05/2017 00:34

OP How do you know he hasn't told someone?

Original poster
MelGee · 08/05/2017 00:35

Who would he tell? And why would he do that?

OP posts:
morningconstitutional2017 · 08/05/2017 00:35

There are always consequences, even if it's only a guilty conscience - could you live with that?

VelvetSparkles · 08/05/2017 00:39

So you're both in a relationship/married? It was the probably could have a hundred other women comment that confused me...

If he is - what if HE gets an attack of guilt and spills to his partner? She gets mad and tells your DH

Original poster
MelGee · 08/05/2017 00:41

He's married, so am I. No desire to change that from either of us.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 08/05/2017 00:41

I'm sure everyone who has an affair is sure they won't get caught. Very often they do. You can't be sure you won't get caught. You can get caught out so many simple ways you only need to read threads on here to see that

horseyperson · 08/05/2017 00:42

you wouldn t know till you tried.
I suspect you dont love your partner to evan think of it.
In my case i think the thought of hurting my husband in that way would make me despise myself.

Beeziekn33ze · 08/05/2017 00:42

Afterwards? I think you'll feel unsatisfied, emotionally empty, and guilty, if it's nothing special.
On the other hand, if it's good you'll want a repeat, as Sandy said in an earlier post. I don't think it's worth it unless you are ready to end your relationship anyway.

SashaFiercesMum · 08/05/2017 00:43

There are always consequences. Even if your OH never found out - could you live with the guilt of it all and take it to the grave?

UnconventionalWarfare · 08/05/2017 00:43

Yeah they are all charismatic when they think they can get their dick wet, blokes a cunt. Forget about him and deal with your issues.

BeeThirtythree · 08/05/2017 00:44

Finish your main before eyeing up dessert! Just like dessert...a little bit of flattery is enough, taking things too far and overindulgence is never good!

DoryDingDong · 08/05/2017 00:46

OP, where I have seen this happen without disaster in the past, both parties have to be very clear about their intentions and what each has to lose if it gets out.

If it's just sex then married people tend to avoid doing it with an un married person as they don't have anything to lose by blabbing or falling for you and turning up on your bloody doorstep!
Sex does not lead to love
This kind of thing is looked on more like just something very physical that you don't get at home.
Sorry if anyone finds this offensive.
Just facts here not judging etc

sadsquid · 08/05/2017 00:51

Honestly, I understand the temptation. I do think that afterwards you'd have the horrible realisation that you couldn't undo it and you'd have that secret knowledge in your head for the rest of your marriage. And I think it would lead to you putting up psychological barriers between you and your husband. It wouldn't ultimately be good for you.

Keep it as a fantasy. Get a bloody good vibrator. Hang onto that intoxicating feeling of being wanted, skip the probably disappointing shag, and hold your head high.

PushingThru · 08/05/2017 00:54

Deceiving somebody else and breaking your promises is wrong. That's an objective fact.

Original poster
MelGee · 08/05/2017 00:55

So am naive to think we can just have a great time, something can remember forever, say our farewells and that's it?

OP posts:
PushingThru · 08/05/2017 00:57

You're not really interested in the ethics angle, are you?

ilovegin112 · 08/05/2017 00:58

I dare say om would probably tell his mates , yes I agree its obviously not the first time he's done it

sadsquid · 08/05/2017 01:04

So am naive to think we can just have a great time, something can remember forever, say our farewells and that's it?

Probably a bit naive, yeah. Because you're all swept up in the excitement and tingliness and wanting to do it, and you're not picturing the comedown once it's happened.

How would you feel if you discovered your spouse had done the same?