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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional abuse still love partner but feel worthless

116 replies

confused84 · 07/05/2017 14:43

I have to be quick as have a small window alone.
My partner abuses me I don't think he knows he's doing it but yesterday he tried to smash my phone up but it was a half hearted attempt as it did not break it was just a threat. He grabbed the quilt off me and was throwing cushions and pillows and punching the bed while I was lying in it. It's the furthest he's gone I've been with him nearly four years now.
I was scared I thought he was going to hit me and just stopped himself short of hitting me.
He was telling me he can get better then me and I'm useless I started crying and he was telling me to shut up because I'm a baby and the tears don't work anymore if I cry he always says this which makes me feel pathetic.
When he's being nice it's ok it's good but yesterday was scary I sat in my room all day and never came out then he started messaging me telling me how I had ruined his wkend and was I happy with myself etc
It all started because I went on FB when I was walking to the shop and he saw me on it.
I had this most of the day the verbal abuse and I had no where to go then he got me some dinner last night so I came down in the end and he tried to act normal.
I feel like what he says is true I am worthless and he can get better then me .
I went shopping this morning I wanted to cry I the supermarket I felt like I had been beaten up but no wounds were visible to see.
I felt like telling a stranger or anyone what was happening to me. It's not a one off it's happened before but yday he was leaning over me and screaming in my face and punching the bed right by my head I was scared he's a big bloke.
He's acting normal today he hasn't said sorry he used to say sorry those days are gone . I want to get out but I feel so trapped all my fight has gone and I still love him and everyone else thinks he is amazing

OP posts:
isitjustme2017 · 07/05/2017 14:53

Please get out of this relationship ASAP. Do you have any family you can confide in and escape to? He has beaten your self esteem down to nothing which is why you are still with him.
If you have no-one to turn to, please at least call Women's Aid. They will help you and give you advice on what to do.
Do it now before he actually does hit you, and he will.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 07/05/2017 14:56

He isn't amazing AT ALL. .
Leave while you still have some self respect and the mental strength. . .
Pack a bag TODAY.

grounddown · 07/05/2017 14:58

Yes please get out. My exp was EA and I left him, your P is way worse than he was - you DO NOT have to put up with that, regardless of how normal he acts afterwards.

Have you told anyone in RL? Do you have anywhere you can go?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 07/05/2017 15:06

You poor thing. Flowers
He has worn you down so much and eroded your self esteem as a way of control, so that you don't leave. Your relationship is not normal in anyway. Of course you feel beaten up, he is seriously abusing you.
I think your perspective has become skewed. This is not love and he is not showing you respect.

If you think it will be difficult to split up with him or you're afraid of his reaction, then call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 (open 24 hrs). They will advise you on how to leave and give you brilliant support.

You need to get out of this relationship.

Original poster
confused84 · 07/05/2017 15:47

I have told people in the past but not all of it just bits I tell my one close friend sometimes but that's it . I feel like I can't tell anyone I wanted to walk out of here yesterday and kill myself it's how I felt. I've got children they wasn't here they were at their dads.
I lost my job a few months ago to be honest I've not really been able to hold down a job for the last few years I'm not mentally up to it and I always either don't go into work or I get sacked because I can't keep up at work because my concentration is shot half the time.
I've been doing the school run and coming back and going to sleep all day sometimes I don't see anyone or talk to anyone anymore.
I used to a fun person always laughing the things he loved about me he hates and made me change. He accuses me of flirting with anyone I speak to aswell.
I've got family I went to see my younger brother on Friday I wanted to tell him but I felt embarrassed and never said anything in the end.
He withholds affection and love aswell and I'm a loving person so I find that hard. I've left him in the past and he's begged me crying he will change but it never lasts and if anything the way he treats me has got worse.
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
MusicIsMedicine · 07/05/2017 15:49

You need to leave right now.

SandyY2K · 07/05/2017 15:59

Tell your brother. Send your brother the link to this thread and tell him this is you and what you're going through.

How is he with your children?

You need to leave him for good.

YNK · 07/05/2017 16:08

OP you don't love him, you have Stockholm Syndrome.
Please get out - your abuse is escalating.

Redhead17 · 07/05/2017 16:13

leave he is a turd

You deserve better, and let me tell you, they never ever change. They say that because they are loosing control.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about tell someone in RL

You can do this, you've found the strength already to tell us now a little more and you'll be free

It is hard but it will get better

ENFJ · 07/05/2017 16:13

It's not love confused84, it's like stockholm syndrome. I was in an abusive relationship a decade ago. It's so hard to leave. There is a difference between an attachment where your own sense of worth is all tied up in his approval which I bet he gives sporadically and I bet you have to work hard for it. That is not love.

Were you raised as a people pleaser? always looking for other people's approval?

If you only have a few minutes here I would ask you to do one thing and google The Problem With Being too Nice.

Ring women's Aid for help. Even if you can't find the words, or even if you feel (erroneously) that your call is dramatic and unnecessary, it's NOT. It's so hard to believe when you're in the middle of the picture, but WA exists to help people like YOU and you are not taking up valuable telephone time that could be better spent on somebody else. YOU ARE THE PERSON the service exists for. So if you get another moment, do ring them Flowers

Redhead17 · 07/05/2017 16:14

Also domestic violence helpline (think it's women's aid) are amazing! Even when you can't speak for tears and are whimpering on the phone finding the courage to speak they wait for you, they honestly are so so lovely

Original poster
confused84 · 07/05/2017 16:24

I just feel like because he's not hitting me it's not abuse which I know is ridiculous but I know other women go through worse than this so I feel bad complaining.
Also he's so good at turning it onto me I blame myself he even said I use mind games and I don't even know what he's talking about.
Like there are weeks sometimes and he's ok and nothing happens. But then he will call me and ask where I am and what I'm doing and it sounds to quiet etc like says silly things and I'm justifying myself. He doesn't do that all the time maybe twice a week but then weeks go by where he won't do it.
He says I make him miserable etc he said this yestaerday and I said if that is the case why are you here.
I blame myself I even find myself saying sorry so he will be nice again.
Sometimes it is so subtle but like I said everyone thinks he is great like a few wks back he was being really horrible to me in a pub and then his friend came over and he just changed and was like meet blah blah and was so nice and then his friend was like isn't he a decent bloke you have picked a good one there when a few moments before he refused to talk to me while we were eating so we ate in silence for half hour over soemthing I did I can't even remember what it was now

OP posts:
Original poster
confused84 · 07/05/2017 16:25

I must have something wrong with me to even stay with him I feel like he's to good for me

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2017 16:27

You know what to do OP. How can we help you feel strong enough to tell someone and go?

Original poster
confused84 · 07/05/2017 16:27

I grew up in a house where my dad was the boss what he said goes and my mom did whatever he wanted he run her ragged we were all
Scared of him

OP posts:
Redhead17 · 07/05/2017 16:36

It is abuse, just because people can't see it doesn't mean it's not happening

This is typical behaviour of a controlling abusive person, causing confusion and making you feel like it's you.

He is making you feel that way, there is nothing wrong with you it's him

picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2017 16:49

It's ok to be scared, he's scary. You need to get safe though, you shouldn't have to live like this.

Your father trained you to think this is all you can expect. He is wrong. Life can be better. Go for it.

Original poster
confused84 · 07/05/2017 16:53

I just think he's nice to everyone else like if his sister cries he cares or his mom when I do it he's vile to me so I try really hard not to cry now

OP posts:
Original poster
confused84 · 07/05/2017 16:53

Thankyou everyone

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 07/05/2017 16:57

He's a disgusting abusive thug. Leave as soon as you can. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, or how lovely he is to others - you know the truth.

Get as far away from him as you can - now.

Original poster
confused84 · 07/05/2017 17:08

Like even If im unwell I'm not allowed to be ill or complain he doesn't like it and he won't help if I'm ill and in bed the other night he was like can you not breath on me because I had a cold and he was like your breathing on me it's horrible.
Can't explain it I feel like I'm nothing not a person like I'm useless. He's out at the moment he's gone to see his sister so I've got a break for a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
confused84 · 07/05/2017 17:09

Like he isn't that way everyday sometimes he's normal and pleasant and we have a laugh and stuff but I'm always waiting for the show to drop. Obvs if he was like yday everyday I would just walk out but he seems to build up to it explode and then calm down for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
confused84 · 07/05/2017 17:11

Yesterday he said I'm 80% sure I want to leave and find better then you and I'm 20% sure I wanna stay with you. I know I need to do soemthing it's finding the strength as I have zero right now

OP posts:
glassspider · 07/05/2017 17:14

Whilst he's out, are you able to escape and get somewhere safe? Even if you use this time to call Womens Aid, that would help xxx

glassspider · 07/05/2017 17:14

It isn't you, it is him xxx

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